i think its time for an ultimatum

[strugglinginCA]

I am really struggling with what to do. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost two years. Things were great between us up until he moved in with me three months ago. I have been convinced for the longest time that he was my soul mate and I would spend the rest of my life with him. My heart is breaking now and I feel like I have no choice but to give him an ultimatum.

 

When he first moved into my apartment I was really happy to finally have him with me all the time, so I was no longer wondering what he was doing when we weren’t together. It was frustrating sometimes because he wouldn’t always answer his phone when called and I would get upset and assume the worst. It was a relief to finally feel like a solid couple without any of those lingering fears.

 

I helped him unpack most of his stuff accept for a few boxes that he said were just keepsakes and could just be put in storage. Eventually curiosity got the better of me and I decided to see what was inside of them. I couldn’t believe what I found. One whole box was filled with letters, pictures and gifts from his high school girlfriend. There was even a scrap book that she had made for him with pictures of the two of them that made me sick. I was furious he would bring this little shrine to his ex-girlfriend into my house. I deserve more respect than that.

 

I confronted him about it immediately and he had the nerve to get mad at me for going through his stuff !! ???? He was only mad because he got caught. He told me that he had fond memories of his time back in high school and with her and he didn’t think he should have to get rid of what he called “tangible memories.” He told me that their relationship ended when they both went to different colleges and drifted apart and that he had nothing but good memories of their relationship. How am I suppose to react to that? He basically told me that they would still be together if they hadn’t gone off to college, right?

 

Here I have been playing the fool and believing I was his soul mate, only to find out he still is holding onto memories of an ex-girlfriend he hasn’t even seen in 11 years. How am I suppose to compete with that? I can’t believe he thinks I should be OK with this.

 

He keeps telling me I am overreacting and says that I am a jealous person and I need to get over it. Why? If I am going to spend my life with this man he has to earn my trust. Why should I have to blindly follow him? He’s making a fool out of me and I think its time I took a stand.

 

I want to tell him that he needs to get rid of the box and earn my trust again. He has hurt and betrayed me by bringing this into MY home. He had no right to do so. I think I am owed an apology and a great deal more.

[norajane]

You are overreacting, and it's not just YOUR home since he is living there.

 

It is HIS home, too, and became his home when he moved in...he doesn't have another home. So he has a right to keep his memories and to bring his stuff into your home, including a box of memories from someone he knew 11 years ago and never talks to or sees anymore. She was a girl from high school and many people remember their first loves with fondness.

 

Many people keep letters and pictures and other things from previous relationships - it's a part of their past, their LIFE. It doesn't mean they wish they could be with that person, nor is it a betrayal that he has to make up to you. You can't wipe out a person's past, and if you insist on being jealous about it, then you really can't date ANYONE unless they NEVER had any relationships in the past.

[strugglinginCA]

How can anyone say that it is OK from him to carry around a shrine to his exgf? It shows me that he hasn't really moved on. What if she suddenly shows up back in his life? Am I suppose to be OK with that too? Why should I have to be alright with him bringing ghosts of his former relationships into our life together?

 

When I fell in love with him I left all my past relationships behind. I threw away all pictures and rememberences becasue I didn't need them anymore. He shouldn't need them either. I am only expecting him to do the same for me as I have done for him.

 

And it is MY home. I've lived there for 4 years and he's only been here for 3 months. he moved in with me, I didn't move in with him. I have the right to expect a certain amount of respect in this situation.

[norajane]

It may have been your home prior, but when he moved in, it became HIS home, too. Unless you are a landlord and he is paying you rent and you don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship?

 

This woman is NOT in his life, and hasn't been for 11 years. IF she came back into his life and he started being interested in her again, THEN you have something to be jealous of and to worry about.

 

It is not a shrine - it is a box of old stuff that he has kept from his past. Just because you throw everything away doesn't mean other people do.

[strugglinginCA]

Is there anyone here that is actually grounded in reality that would like to share their opinion?

[curiousnycgirl]

Hate to tell you this, but I agree with Norajane. You are not in a relationship with a boy who lived in a bubble until meeting you. He has a history and has the right to keep mementos.

[corazoncito]

Sorry, but I'm going to second what Nora said. I don't think you need to worry about mementos of a high school girlfriend 11 years in the past.

 

I also don't think it's disrespectful to you. He didn't lie about the boxes. He said they were keepsakes and that they could just be put into storage. He's not sneaking out there and mooning over them for hours on end is he? Does he look at them ever? Sometimes people keep momentos of exes, not because they never got over them, but because they carry pleasant memories of the past. Both my BF and I do and we live together. We each had a life before we knew each other and that life made us the person the other fell in love with. Although we are in a committed, monogamous relationship that doesn't mean we stop being individuals. What helps is to have trust and good communication, so any little nagging worries and jealousies are nipped in the bud.

 

A bit off topic, but if you treat your boyfriend like a tenant in his own home (because that's what your place became as soon as you jointly decided to live together), your relationship will fail. Living together does not make you suddenly one shared personality nor do you have the right now to own or control him.

[tanbark813]

I agree with NJ as well. I have a box in my closet that has some stuff from exes. I moved recently and came across it while packing up my stuff. I almost forgot it was there. It's nice to look at things like that every so often. I'm sure your bf doesn't go through the letters and such often, especially if he's putting it in storage.

 

It's also pretty messed up that you consider your place solely your home and not a home shared by both of you.

[Cobra_X30]

Is there anyone here that is actually grounded in reality that would like to share their opinion?

 

Are you trying to say that you have no baggage?

 

A picture is just a picture... a letter, a letter. He cant cheat on you with a letter... so what you are really worried about is his heart and his memories.

 

You have to sit and think about what you are truely upset over. It sounds like you had some issues with him before he moved in. What caused those issues? Why do you feel like you cant trust him? Has he cheated on you in the past? Has anyone else?

[Capricorn]

Well when it's over it's over. I think he needs to move on with his life and let go of the past. I never keep things from Exs. Why would you need them, I can totally see why she is upset by this.

[strugglinginCA]

Are you trying to say that you have no baggage?

 

A picture is just a picture... a letter, a letter. He cant cheat on you with a letter... so what you are really worried about is his heart and his memories.

 

You have to sit and think about what you are truely upset over. It sounds like you had some issues with him before he moved in. What caused those issues? Why do you feel like you cant trust him? Has he cheated on you in the past? Has anyone else?

 

Of course there are other things that have bothered me about him in the past. As I said in the beginning he always takes offense and gets short with me if I ask him why he didn’t answer his phone when I called. I’m sorry but if your bf or gf doesn’t answer their phone when you call, I think an explanation is in order. If he doesn’t want to give me an answer it just means he has something to hide. Other times he has gone out with his friends when I have asked him not to. Most of his friends are single and know exactly what they are up to when they hang out. I’ve told him I don’t approve of his spending time with them and he just accuses me of being controlling. That’s his answer to every problem. He always tells me I’m be overly jealous or controlling. I don’t understand why he thinks its wrong for me to have some sort of say so in what he does. I am his girlfriend, aren’t I?

 

It really doesn’t matter how many people here tell me I am wrong, because in the end this is just how I feel. If he loves me he should do what I ask him to. If he doesn’t I know that he’s just like every other disrespectful jerk out there.

[strugglinginCA]

Well when it's over it's over. I think he needs to move on with his life and let go of the past. I never keep things from Exs. Why would you need them, I can totally see why she is upset by this.

 

THANK YOU !!! Some one finally understands what it means to be in a real loving trusting relationship.

 

Perhaps if the rest of you learned what a real relationships was you wouldn't be here writting about your failed relationships.

[tanbark813]

He always tells me I’m be overly jealous or controlling.

 

You do sound like you're very controlling. You sound more like his mom than his gf.

[tanbark813]

Perhaps if the rest of you learned what a real relationships was you wouldn't be here writting about your failed relationships.

 

Oh, the beautiful irony...

[Pyro]

I am really struggling with what to do. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost two years. Things were great between us up until he moved in with me three months ago. I have been convinced for the longest time that he was my soul mate and I would spend the rest of my life with him. My heart is breaking now and I feel like I have no choice but to give him an ultimatum.

 

When he first moved into my apartment I was really happy to finally have him with me all the time, so I was no longer wondering what he was doing when we weren’t together. It was frustrating sometimes because he wouldn’t always answer his phone when called and I would get upset and assume the worst. It was a relief to finally feel like a solid couple without any of those lingering fears.

 

I helped him unpack most of his stuff accept for a few boxes that he said were just keepsakes and could just be put in storage. Eventually curiosity got the better of me and I decided to see what was inside of them. I couldn’t believe what I found. One whole box was filled with letters, pictures and gifts from his high school girlfriend. There was even a scrap book that she had made for him with pictures of the two of them that made me sick. I was furious he would bring this little shrine to his ex-girlfriend into my house. I deserve more respect than that.

 

I confronted him about it immediately and he had the nerve to get mad at me for going through his stuff !! ???? He was only mad because he got caught. He told me that he had fond memories of his time back in high school and with her and he didn’t think he should have to get rid of what he called “tangible memories.” He told me that their relationship ended when they both went to different colleges and drifted apart and that he had nothing but good memories of their relationship. How am I suppose to react to that? He basically told me that they would still be together if they hadn’t gone off to college, right?

 

Here I have been playing the fool and believing I was his soul mate, only to find out he still is holding onto memories of an ex-girlfriend he hasn’t even seen in 11 years. How am I suppose to compete with that? I can’t believe he thinks I should be OK with this.

 

He keeps telling me I am overreacting and says that I am a jealous person and I need to get over it. Why? If I am going to spend my life with this man he has to earn my trust. Why should I have to blindly follow him? He’s making a fool out of me and I think its time I took a stand.

 

I want to tell him that he needs to get rid of the box and earn my trust again. He has hurt and betrayed me by bringing this into MY home. He had no right to do so. I think I am owed an apology and a great deal more.

 

I agree with you that it's not right for a SO to hold on to stuff like that from past relationships, but giving him an ultimatum is only going to cause him to resent you because you have pushed him into a corner. Instead of an ultimatum, communicate with him and tell him calmly that you feel disrespected. If you mean something to him then he shouldn't have a problem getting rid of the stuff.

[Cobra_X30]

Of course there are other things that have bothered me about him in the past. As I said in the beginning he always takes offense and gets short with me if I ask him why he didn’t answer his phone when I called. I’m sorry but if your bf or gf doesn’t answer their phone when you call, I think an explanation is in order. If he doesn’t want to give me an answer it just means he has something to hide. Other times he has gone out with his friends when I have asked him not to. Most of his friends are single and know exactly what they are up to when they hang out. I’ve told him I don’t approve of his spending time with them and he just accuses me of being controlling. That’s his answer to every problem. He always tells me I’m be overly jealous or controlling. I don’t understand why he thinks its wrong for me to have some sort of say so in what he does. I am his girlfriend, aren’t I?

 

It really doesn’t matter how many people here tell me I am wrong, because in the end this is just how I feel. If he loves me he should do what I ask him to. If he doesn’t I know that he’s just like every other disrespectful jerk out there.

 

Well, Im not going to tell you that your wrong. My, point tho is that you can't force him to do what you want without causing resentment and anger. Perhaps it would be better to find a guy that shared your views on this.

 

You seem to have some strong insecurities. Your BF should be sensetive to that! Has anyone ever cheated on you before???

[strugglinginCA]

Well, Im not going to tell you that your wrong. My, point tho is that you can't force him to do what you want without causing resentment and anger. Perhaps it would be better to find a guy that shared your views on this.

 

You seem to have some strong insecurities. Your BF should be sensetive to that! Has anyone ever cheated on you before???

 

Nope. Never. And I plan to keep it that way. Perhaps if people weren't so afraid to set higher boundaries of respectful behavior and inlvolve themselves more in the regular day to day activities of their partners, there wouldn't be some many people here complaining about being cheated on.

If you let your bf/gf run a round a make a fool out of you you have no one to blame but yourself. That's not being controling. Its demanding respect.

[corazoncito]

You're right that your feeling are your feelings. You're also right that you have the right to respect in a relationship. Clearly you feel his actions are disrespectful. So you'd be better off finding someone who shares your views on trust and respect. This guy isn't it.

[LucreziaBorgia]

He keeps telling me I am overreacting and says that I am a jealous person and I need to get over it. Why?

 

Honestly, you are. If it were just this one thing then I might not think so, but you obsessed over where he was when he wasn't with you while assuming the worst and demand answers as to why he didn't answer his phone. You only felt secure when you knew his whereabouts 24/7. You forbid him to go out with his friends. You give him a hard time about a girl who is ELEVEN YEARS in his past. You give him a hard time about being allowed to have memories of a time WHICH YOU WERE NO PART OF. You demand he do as he be told.

 

Seriously, you don't have to worry about an ultimatum. Unless he is a complete masochist, he is probably already considering an exit strategy and will be breaking things off within the year. I can't imagine why anyone would stay with someone who was so insecure, controlling, jealous and demanding.

[annabelle75]

Nope. Never. And I plan to keep it that way. Perhaps if people weren't so afraid to set higher boundaries of respectful behavior and inlvolve themselves more in the regular day to day activities of their partners, there wouldn't be some many people here complaining about being cheated on.

 

If you let your bf/gf run a round a make a fool out of you you have no one to blame but yourself. That's not being controling. Its demanding respect.

 

But do you really think that "demanding respect" means you keeping your SO on a leash?

 

Would you really want to be with some one if the only reason they haven't cheated on you is that you won't let them? How will you ever know if you can really trust them if you don't give them freedom to make their own choices?

 

And...just as you seem to think he should respect your feelings and get rid of the box because you don't want him to have it, shouldn't you respect his feelings of not wanting to get rid of it because its a part of his past? Why do you get to dictate the boundaries of the relationship? It doesn't sound as if he gets much of a say-so in anything.

 

If he really means that much to you, you may want to lighten your grip on him a bit and let him prove to you in his own way that he can be trusted.

[Silence]

Of course there are other things that have bothered me about him in the past. As I said in the beginning he always takes offense and gets short with me if I ask him why he didn’t answer his phone when I called. I’m sorry but if your bf or gf doesn’t answer their phone when you call, I think an explanation is in order. If he doesn’t want to give me an answer it just means he has something to hide. Other times he has gone out with his friends when I have asked him not to. Most of his friends are single and know exactly what they are up to when they hang out. I’ve told him I don’t approve of his spending time with them and he just accuses me of being controlling. That’s his answer to every problem. He always tells me I’m be overly jealous or controlling. I don’t understand why he thinks its wrong for me to have some sort of say so in what he does. I am his girlfriend, aren’t I?

 

It really doesn’t matter how many people here tell me I am wrong, because in the end this is just how I feel. If he loves me he should do what I ask him to. If he doesn’t I know that he’s just like every other disrespectful jerk out there.

 

 

Explanation is in order? Wow, I'm sorry but that is extremely sad. It's people like you that make me such a private person. It's their life not yours. If he doesn't answer the phone you shouldn't be demanding to know why he didn't answer. Him keeping old photos/letters from ELEVEN YEARS AGO,(I really wish I could stress just how long a time that is) is perfectly fine. Just because you're too insecure to deal with it doesn't mean he's showing you disrespect by it.

 

I like how you talk about disrespect when you're the one looking through his stuff without asking him to begin with. While you may be together, that doesn't give you free reign on everything his. Personally if I was him I would have left you already.

 

You don't approve of him spending time with his friends? Why not pray tell?

 

Also giving an answer doesn't mean he has something to hide, it just means he doesn't want to tell you. If you weren't so paranoid maybe you'd be able to think about this clearly.

[Star Gazer]

THANK YOU !!! Some one finally understands what it means to be in a real loving trusting relationship.

It doesn't seem to me that YOU know what it means...

 

Perhaps if the rest of you learned what a real relationships was you wouldn't be here writting about your failed relationships.

 

Isn't that what you're doing?? Writing here about what's ABOUT to be a failed relationship as a result of your overreacting and controlling behavior?

 

Oh, the beautiful irony...

 

[norajane]

He always tells me I’m be overly jealous or controlling. I don’t understand why he thinks its wrong for me to have some sort of say so in what he does. I am his girlfriend, aren’t I?

 

It really doesn’t matter how many people here tell me I am wrong, because in the end this is just how I feel. If he loves me he should do what I ask him to. If he doesn’t I know that he’s just like every other disrespectful jerk out there.

I may not be 'grounded in reality' ( ), but I know you need to pick your battles and not try to control everything about what he does and thinks. No one will want a lifetime of "if you love me, you would do x".

 

He could say the exact same thing to you, by the way: If you love him, you will respect his privacy and not snoop through his sealed boxes in storage. If you love him, you will respect his need to have friends and go out with them sometimes. If you love him, you will understand that he is not at your beck and call, and if he can't answer the phone when he is busy, he will call you later.

 

Oh, but you don't think it should work that way, huh? You think he should do what you want him to do, but you won't consider his perspective.

[Capricorn]

When my fiance and I started dating his house was literally a mess! Clothes,garbage,mail and junk all over. He had gone away for a week and I told him I was gonna clean his house for him. I have my own cleaning business so I wanted to make his house look nice! Anyway in the mess pictures were all over, his family pictures and a bunch of pictures of his ex. I did not throw them out but when he went through the pictures himself, he threw out the pictures of his ex without me having to ask. That showed he was over her and ready to move on and build a relationship with me!

[FrequentFlyer]

I think you sound a bit controlling, but that's not why you posted, is it?

 

It's good that you're coming to grips with this now, and not after the honeymoon. This may or may not be the guy for you. I don''t know this guy (or you), but you may have learned more about him, and your relationship with him by having him move in with you.

 

Not to hijack your thread, but many of my friends have expressed reluctance about moving in with girlfriends, because once that happens, you two are "always there" always together. There's usually little space, and you two become inseparable. Some guys (and perhaps some women) don't like that.

 

This has been my experience (and the experience of some of my friends too). So please understand that this is my point of reference/point of view. For this guy to agree to move in with you means you are the "ESO" extremely significant other in his life.

 

If that's true, so what about a box of stuff?