i think its time for an ultimatum

[birdie]

we can probably debate this until the cows come home and never agree. I still think that asking another person to chuck stuff out is about seeking re-assurance that they are taking the relationship seriously, therefore it's about the person who is asking and not about the person who is being asked.

 

dunno. agree to disagree I think

[strugglinginCA]

I feel stuck right now. Out talk the other night didn’t go as I expected. He showed up right after he got off work like he said he would. I had planned out what I was going to say and decided I would talk first. I told him that I was disappointed with how he behaved and felt I deserved more respect than he was giving. I told him that if he wasn’t willing to do what I asked, than I knew his heart was not in the relationship and that he should move out.

 

He responded by saying that he agreed that he should probably move out. He told me that he thought moving in together would help me deal with my insecurities but he thought it was only making it worse. He told me that he loved me but that he didn’t think our relationship was in a healthy place right now and we should take a break. I couldn’t believe the line of bs he was feeding me. He acted like I was the one at fault and he was doing me a favor by moving out. How can us taking a huge step back like that be good for our relationship. How can he just throw our years together away like they meant nothing?

 

He told me he was going to stay at his mother’s house for a little while before deciding if he should get his own place again. He said he would leave the option for us to live together again if we could fix the problems we are having. I don’t understand why he can’t just do what I have asked? Its not a big deal. Why would he hurt me like this if he loves me? I don’t know what to think right now. I was so upset I didn’t go to work yesterday. I just want everything to be good between us again.

[tanbark813]

He told me that he thought moving in together would help me deal with my insecurities but he thought it was only making it worse. He told me that he loved me but that he didn’t think our relationship was in a healthy place right now and we should take a break. I couldn’t believe the line of bs he was feeding me.

 

It's not bs. He doesn't like how he's being treated. You may not want to agree with people who are telling you you're being controlling but look at what it's doing to your relationship. He's coming to the realization of what life would be like living with you and it has changed his desire to do so.

 

You can keep your head buried in the sand of your self-righteousness and remain unwilling to look at how you might be contributing to this break, or you can ease up a bit on the guy and realize his opinions are just as valid as yours and try to fix your relationship. It's your choice.

[melodymatters]

. I don’t understand why he can’t just do what I have asked? Its not a big deal. .

 

Well If it's not a big deal why are you making it one ? This is no longer about "the box' now it's about how he feels in what is now"his home too"

 

He obviously feels that you are controlling and insecure, and not to be mean, that IS how you come across.

 

You basically have 2 choices, work on your issues so that you and this particular guy can have a chance. Or move on and find somebody who is willing to cater to your insecure and jealous feelings.

 

I used to be really jealous and put a lot of strain on my relationships in my 20's. Now at 40, I could care less ( unless the pics were on the wall, or he calls his ex more than a couple times a year, that kind of thing )

 

Don't ruin a good relationship over silly issues, learn to let go of jealousy and concentrate on what you and he have in the here and now

[strugglinginCA]

I don't even care about the stupid box anymore. He hasn't even bothered to take it with him yet. Its still sitting in my hall closet. He's lucky I haven't burnt the damn thing. Its not even about the box anymore.

 

What happens if I back down now? Won't I just be giving him permission to walk all over me? I don't want to be his doormat. Why would anyone want to be in a relationship where they feel like they have no control?

 

I wish none of this had ever happened. I told him that but he said that it would probably be good if we took a little break and then tried to work things out. I'm so sad. I don't even want to go home tonight.

[melodymatters]

Admitting you were wrong, and apologising is not "backing down, or "letting somone walk all over you". It's being a mature HUMAN adult, who realizes they made a mistake and is willing to try and fix things.

 

Don't beg or plead, but if you want him to stay, I would very calmly admit that you made a mountain out of a molehill and perhaps offer to get some individual counseling to work on your jealousy/insecurity issues. Say that things are still new and your'e adjusting, and if in a month from now he still feels this way, then take a break.

[tanbark813]

Why would anyone want to be in a relationship where they feel like they have no control?

 

Exactly. That's why he's moving out.

[norajane]

I don’t understand why he can’t just do what I have asked?

 

Because it's not the only thing you have asked for that seems controlling to him; it's just the last straw.

 

He's looking at your relationship as a whole, not just this incident. That's why he specifically indicated that the insecurities you have that drive you to need to know his whereabouts and why he's not answering his phone when it rings, etc., are making him feel like he wouldn't be able to live with you under your terms. You're having a hard time taking his perspective into consideration, and that does not make him feel positive about your future together.

[Ruby]

Your problem is that you expect it all your way!

 

Are you used to getting your own way? Did your mum always give you and your sister your own way or did you watch your mum sulk and get her own way with your dad? It seems to be learned behaviour and this behaviour will be the downfall of every relationship you have (unless you meet a complete doormat)

 

I salute your boyfriend for standing up to you and I hope that you realise and put this right!

 

And dont ask your sister for advice! she seems as bad as you!

[DOA]

Hrm...tricky...OP does sound a bit insecure and a tad controlling...

 

At the same time, I agree that bf should not be keeping old momentos of his past gf in a box in the house he just moved in with his current gf. That was sneaky of the bf to not tell her what was in the box and be up front about it straight away...there should be NO secrets in a committed relationship, otherwise it's just going to forge a barrier between the two people involved.

 

I think if he's so intent on keeping the momentos, it's more likely he's still thinking "what if". Like he said, it's a "tangible" object...if it's the memories that really count and stay with u forever, then u don't need those "tangible" objects to keep those memories. Just get rid of the crap and keep the happy memories stored away in your mind. That way gf will never have to see the physical evidence of past couplings and she won't catch bf looking over old photos of ex-gf with that nostalgic dreamy look in his eye.

 

But just a note to OP...like I said, tangible things are destroyable, but not memories. Just because your bf destroys these things doesn't mean the memories are going to be burnt out forever. Can you deal with that?

[DOA]

Sorry, just caught up with all the posts...sorry to hear OP, but I honestly think that it's the best for the two of you.

 

The differences between you were magnified 10 fold within a few days or weeks of you living together. The fact that he moved out as quickly as he moved in says a LOT.

 

Take time apart. You guys seriously need it.

[fetish]

 

I wish none of this had ever happened. I told him that but he said that it would probably be good if we took a little break and then tried to work things out. I'm so sad. I don't even want to go home tonight.

 

You're an insecure control freak! Point blank, face it! My gf was acting like that with me the first couple of years in to our relationship. Everytime i don't answer my cell phone it makes her furious. But she doesn't always answer her phone when i call. I'll be thinking, Who does this little tramp think she is? She's entitled to miss a call if she's busy or not at the phone but i can't have those same rights?

 

A little advice, and i don't mean this as an attack on you. Grow up! Take this little break he's offering as a time to grow past your insecurities. More important, learn to be by yourself for a while. I'm sure it may hurt after a 2 year relationship but you can't control anyone but yourself. If you don't deal with your issues now, you're going to have a hard time in all your relationships in life whether if you're with this man or not.

[justfine]

I, too, think it's the best that your boyfriend moved out. More than likely, your BF realizes that he can't live with you and you're probably not worth the trouble.

 

Seriously, you really are controlling and self-rightous. You should learn to relax and not make a big deal out of nothing.

 

I had an X like you and she made my life miserable. At the time, I lived in an apartment and she had the key. While I was at work, she would sometimes wait for me there. She went around my apartment looking in drawers and checking everything out. She came across my box full of letters and pictures of ex-Gfs and she threw it away.

 

This particular GF went through my phone bills, hit the redial button on my phone to see who I spoke to last, spied on me, etc. You sound alot like her. All my friends encouraged me to break up with her and I tried many times. She would break down and and cry and refuse to let me go. She finally left on her own after she found a new BF to torture. Talk about a stalker.

 

Really, you need to step back and reconsider your position. Believe when I say, nobody wants a girl-friend who is insecure, controlling, and demanding. It's very stressful to be with someone like that.

[annieo]

I am as jealous as the next girl, but you need to get a little perspective. My husband and I have had some issues with exes, specifically his ex gf getting in touch with him about 2 minutes after we moved in together, and then him e-mailing her without my knowledge (until I kind of "firmly" asked to see his e-mails). It wasn't easy to take, but it wasn't full on cheating and I know that I'm not perfect, either.

I have my own box (it's a small suitcase, actually) of mementos. Not just containing stuff related to my first long-term boyfriend, but other things related to my life in those 7 years that he and I were together. My husband knows about it, and I hardly ever look at that stuff these days (it's been well over a year). But I am glad it's there, and it's nice to walk down memory lane sometimes. Does this mean I want to BE with my ex? No; I am extremely happy (most days! lol) with my husband, and I've changed, I'm sure my ex bf has changed, time marches on. But I do like to think about who I was at that time, remember him, remember who I used to be. Fortunately for me (or perhaps because my husband hasn't exactly been a saint, so what's he going to say?) my h isn't overly threatened by this.

Relationships are not easy, they are about learning, about yourself, the other person, about what the boundaries/needs/issues are. There has to be some give and take, and some room for understanding and often, forgiveness. Not only for you to forgive him for what you obviously think is a major transgression, but for him to try to understand what your perspective is. If neither of you is willing to do this (and it's ain't easy sometimes!) then move on.

But if you think there is some "perfect" guy out there, with no history and no faults, you are destined to be disappointed.And you aren't perfect, either (none of us is). Remember that.

[Flyin in Clouds]

...

I helped him unpack most of his stuff accept for a few boxes that he said were just keepsakes and could just be put in storage. Eventually curiosity got the better of me and I decided to see what was inside of them. I couldn’t believe what I found. One whole box was filled with letters, pictures and gifts from his high school girlfriend....I was furious he would bring this little shrine to his ex-girlfriend into my house. I deserve more respect than that.

I still have letters and pictures and lock of hair from my h.s. gf. She was my first love and I will never forget her. I've been married for 33 years. I love my wife, but that doesn't mean I can forget the first love of my life. Women make indelible impressions on men. What about respect for him? What about your caring about his feelings? Or is life all about you and what you need and want?

 

My recommendation - let him go. You aren't right for him. He needs a different, less selfish, more caring woman.

 

I confronted him about it immediately and he had the nerve to get mad at me for going through his stuff !! ???? He was only mad because he got caught. He told me that he had fond memories of his time back in high school and with her and he didn’t think he should have to get rid of what he called “tangible memories.”

You have absolutely zero understand of this man... and I doubt any man. So give it up. Get thee to a nunnery.

 

He told me that their relationship ended when they both went to different colleges and drifted apart and that he had nothing but good memories of their relationship. How am I suppose to react to that?

Be happy for him? That he can treasure memories of a woman he once loved.

 

He basically told me that they would still be together if they hadn’t gone off to college, right?

Yes, perhaps. But that's not what happened. He's with you now. God works in strange ways. Or blame it on fate if you will. Had my h.s. gf not broken up with me I would not have met my wife, had our three kids...

 

Here I have been playing the fool and believing I was his soul mate, only to find out he still is holding onto memories of an ex-girlfriend he hasn’t even seen in 11 years.

I haven't seen or heard from my h.s. gf in over 35 years and I still think of her. What are we supposed to do get a lobotomy? I wonder what happened to her, how her life went, is she well? I never stopped loving her. We just didn't stay together. We've both lived different lives. I hope hers was as happy as mine. But even after all this time I still think back to those days. It was part of my life, part of who I am. And when I think of my h.s. gf and my wife I know without a doubt that my wife is the best woman for me.

 

How am I suppose to compete with that?

Why would you have to compete with it. She's just a pleasant memory. You are the here and now.

 

I can’t believe he thinks I should be OK with this.

Do you ever think of the first time you were kissed? Had sex? maybe it was all bad for you.

 

He keeps telling me I am overreacting and says that I am a jealous person and I need to get over it. Why? If I am going to spend my life with this man he has to earn my trust. Why should I have to blindly follow him? He’s making a fool out of me and I think its time I took a stand.

Good lord woman if you get this worked up over an old, long gone gf what will you do if he looks at some living breathing new woman? Poke his eyes out?

 

I want to tell him that he needs to get rid of the box and earn my trust again. He has hurt and betrayed me by bringing this into MY home. He had no right to do so. I think I am owed an apology and a great deal more.

No, you are the one that should apologize to him. Your home... ? It's his home too if he is living there. Or don't you care to share what is yours with him? You need to start saying OUR home. WE this and that. And yes that includes sharing whatever joy he has left of this old relationship. You weren't his first and I doubt he was your first.

 

What if he had married her, they had a child, and his wife had died? You wouldn't let him bring is daughter into YOUR home because she was a carbon copy of his now dead wife? He couldn't keep any letters or pictures of her, to pass on to this child? And all he has is some fond memories and your jealous of those?

 

If this is the kind of loving understanding of perhaps a painful part of his lost past... then it is best you not be with him.

 

I threw away all pictures and rememberences becasue I didn't need them anymore. He shouldn't need them either.

You expect him to be just like you? You want to be in a relationship with a clone of yourself? He's different. either accept that or move on.

 

And until it's "our home" you aren't a couple and frankly I don't expect your relationship to last very long.

 

I don’t understand why he thinks its wrong for me to have some sort of say so in what he does.

What kind of say does he have over what you do? Like calling it MY home... instead of OUR home.

 

Why can't you talk with him (instead of being all mad and pissy with him) about his "shrine" to his ex? Can't you explain that it bothers you and you want to understand why he wants to keep them when you didn't see any need to keep anything from your exes? What does he see in the letters? Why is he wanting to remember when he has you? Talk to him about that stuff instead of venting here. You need to fully understand his POV which you don't seem willing or capable of doing.

 

Perhaps if the rest of you learned what a real relationships was you wouldn't be here writting about your failed relationships.

Stand in front of a mirror and say that. It this all about you or about better understanding and loving your SO?

 

You do sound like you're very controlling. You sound more like his mom than his gf.

Yeah, I'd agree. and I'm willing to bet dollars to donuts if he tried to pull this stuff with her she'd be all over him as an over controlling SOB.

 

Nope. Never. And I plan to keep it that way. Perhaps if people weren't so afraid to set higher boundaries of respectful behavior and inlvolve themselves more in the regular day to day activities of their partners, there wouldn't be some many people here complaining about being cheated on.

If you let your bf/gf run a round a make a fool out of you you have no one to blame but yourself. That's not being controling. Its demanding respect.

Wow. controlling and demanding.... let us know when he leaves. OK?

 

You're right that your feeling are your feelings. You're also right that you have the right to respect in a relationship. Clearly you feel his actions are disrespectful. So you'd be better off finding someone who shares your views on trust and respect. This guy isn't it.

He's probably beginning to feel the same way, This woman has no respect for the past love of his life, which is part of his life.

 

I think LB is right. He's probably looking for the exit...

 

What happens if he wants to go to his H.S. reunion in say 9 years and he wants to introduce you to is old gf?

 

It doesn't sound as if he gets much of a say-so in anything.

That is why he'd be looking for the door. See this relationship is all about struggelinginCA. It's not about anybody else but her. What she wants she gets. Screw what her partner wants. Respecting his past is not part of her plan.

 

We had a really good thing and he’s ruined it.

I'm sorry sCA you ruined it. And you'll ruin every other relationship you have too.

 

He then just threw the tortillas on the floor (he was making us tacos) and walked out. He took his wallet and car keys with him. He didn’t say a single word. I’m still in shock.

... hahahahaha... but of course sCA you won't learn anything from this because it's your way or the high way.... I sure hope he doesn't cave.

 

I can’t believe how much he was disrespecting me.

You have no respect for him.

 

I can’t believe he thinks he could get away with this.

??? naw, you're not the least bit controlling. Please tell me he took his stuff and moved out...

 

I told him what he had to do to make our relationship work and he decided some stupid box with scrapbooks, pictures and high school yearbooks was more important than me.

Yeah, and you are the one that made the big deal out of a mole hill.

 

Any man that would give up a two year relationship over something so insignificant is a piece of ****.

Obviously a two years in controlling hell is not worth giving up fond memories of better times.

 

I hope he can live with himself knowing what he has lost.

Yeap, the world is all about you. Honey, stick your hand in a bucket of water and then pull it out. The size of the remaining hole is how much he'll miss you.

 

You probably won't understand this right away, maybe you never will, but it wasn't the "stupid box" that he found more important than you. It was his self-respect, basic sanity, and happiness. He didn't want be repeatedly nagged and controlled (which is itself disrespectful) by a grown woman that was jealous of a box.

 

You and and your sister are right that you should just let him go. He's definitely not looking for the same things in life that you are.

Well said...

 

And the real issue isn't the box of "junk" or mementos. The real issue is she can't control him. He won't do as she demands. I hope for his sake he runs for the hills. Nothing but misery with that kind of woman...

 

Honestly, it seems like your BF is just an immature jerk. I think you need to pull the plug on this one right away!

Uh, why the name calling? If anyone's a jerk... it's not him. But one thing for sure is these two are NOT compatible so end it now before she gets pregnant for God's sake.

 

This can never be a happy relationship.

 

You sound like a nightmare - No wonder he does not answer calls to you, he probably doesnt want the 3rd degree.

ditto...

 

I had planned out what I was going to say and decided I would talk first.

Of course. I'm surprised she let him talk at all. Did he have a strict time or word limit?

 

I couldn’t believe the line of bs he was feeding me.

OMG... denial... it's a river in Egypt. sCA your guy is pretty darn good. But you don't deserve him. geez....

 

I don’t understand why he can’t just do what I have asked?

Because he's a man, and not some spineless wimp that you can order about at your will.

 

Why would he hurt me like this if he loves me?

Because he's not going to let you use him as doormat and then have you end up despising him because you walk all over him.

 

He did it because he loves you and wants you to grow up.

 

I just want everything to be good between us again.

No, you mean you wish he was back under your thumb again. If you want this man back, and you'd be a fool if you didn't, you'd beg his forgiveness, and tell him you won't control anything about him. Not his coming and going, not his phone call answering, nor anytihng about his past fond memories and mementos.

 

The one thing you can do is ask him to share those memories with you, if he's willing to. What does he remember about his h.s. gf, the good, the bad and the ugly. You can take a GENUINE interest in that part of his life and you can share about your past life too. All of it.

 

What happens if I back down now?

Oh, so now saving face is more important than him or your relationship. Great.... and if you burnt his stuff, he'd be justified in burning all of yours. don't even go there.

 

Everything with you had to be your way or the highway. Where's the compromise? Where is your willingness to accommodate him, so he might accommodate you?

 

Have him talk about his old gf and explain his memories of her to you. But listen to what he has to say and don't take it all as a threat to you.

 

Instead of bxtching about the last time he didn't answer his phone, just give him a cheery greeting like your glad you got him this time and don't mention the call that didn't get through. When he's home a little late be glad he is finally home instead of giving him the third degree about his whereabouts. You seem to focus on all the negatives. try focusing on only the positives and forget the negative. If you can do that you might have a shot at a long term relationship, if not ...

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Is there anyone here that is actually grounded in reality that would like to share their opinion?

What an ignorant thing to say. Just because your small mind won't allow you to see this situation from any other perspective doesn't mean somebody giving you honest advice isn't "grounded in reality".

 

It's obvious you are delusional and will only hear what you want to hear, but for the record, you were way out of line to go through his stuff, and he has every right to keep it. I hope you give him the ultimatum and he chooses to keep his memories and gets rid of the jealous/possessive/irrational person that is holding him back.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

I just finished reading all the rest of the replies...

 

I'm judging by her lack of an update today that last night's Talk did not go very well. If he'd come groveling back she probably would have been here crowing about it.

 

Might want to look for her in the Break Up forum.

But she is the only one in this thread who knows what a real, loving relationship is like! My world, it's crashing!