i think its time for an ultimatum

[strugglinginCA]

I can’t believe what he did last night. It doesn’t make any sense. I’ve spent most of the morning on the phone with my sister and she agrees that he is the one that is wrong. We had a really good thing and he’s ruined it.

 

He got home late from work last night and I had been thinking about the box all day and decided it was time to let him know that he wasn’t going to be able to move on with me if he continued to hold on to his past. He started to make dinner and I joined him in the kitchen to talk. I told him that our relationship is very important to me and when I made a commitment to him (by inviting him to live with me) I made sure I let go of any relationships of the past so that we could start over fresh. Before I could finish telling him what I have to say he started rolling his eyes and told me if I said one more word about his high school scrap books he was moving out. I couldn’t believe he would say that. I told him that if he didn’t get rid of them it would show me that he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with me. He then just threw the tortillas on the floor (he was making us tacos) and walked out. He took his wallet and car keys with him. He didn’t say a single word. I’m still in shock.

 

I called him maybe 10 times last night and he would not answer, of course. I can’t believe how much he was disrespecting me. I know he went to stay with one of his single friends. What kind of an ******* gets a thrill out of treating his girlfriend so badly? I left several messages telling him that if he didn’t come back last night I was changing the locks and throwing away his stuff. I didn’t hear back from him until this morning. He sent me a text saying that he would be home after work to talk. I can’t believe he thinks he could get away with this. I told him what he had to do to make our relationship work and he decided some stupid box with scrapbooks, pictures and high school yearbooks was more important than me. I was on the phone with my sister most of the night and she couldn’t believe it either. Any man that would give up a two year relationship over something so insignificant is a piece of ****.

 

My sister says I should come over to her house tonight and just leave him a note telling him to pack his stuff and leave. I can’t see that I really have any other options. He made his choice and it wasn’t me. I hope he can live with himself knowing what he has lost.

[BeachBlonde]

Now, I know how you feel about the ex-girlfriend thing. I had a lot of problems in the past on getting over the fact that I wasn't my boyfriend's "first love". I was jealous, insecure, and the spent the majority of the time in our relationship wondering if he loved me more than her. Basically, he was over her, and here I was obsessing over her! It was ridiculous. He never even talked about her. He even showed me pictures of them, because I wanted to see them. (Why? I have no idea) Now, they're still in his closet tucked away in a box, but there's also pictures of his FAMILY in there...At first I was upset that he still had pictures of his ex, but you know what? So do I. And do I still love any of my ex's? Absolutely not. It's completely normal to keep things from your past, just to look back at with fondness. And now that I know my boyfriend better (and I'm not insecure about his past anymore), I know that he is the very sentimental type who saves EVERYTHING. He even has movie tickets that he saves, and some of them are dated back in 1998.

 

BUT, the controlling thing is a little bit different. I know that you are trying to "demand respect" from him, but the truth is-a guy is going to cheat on you IF he wants to, and there's nothing you can do to stop him. Now, I'm not saying he WILL cheat on you. Because not all guys are cheaters. But controlling him and questioning him on his whereabouts all the time is just going to push him further and further away from you. I don't understand why you won't let him go out with his friends. So what if they're single? You should trust him. There are 3 things that most guys can't stand in relationships: jealousy, clinginess, and being controlled. And right now it seems that all of these are going on in your relationship.

[corazoncito]

I can’t believe he thinks he could get away with this. I told him what he had to do to make our relationship work and he decided some stupid box with scrapbooks, pictures and high school yearbooks was more important than me.

 

You probably won't understand this right away, maybe you never will, but it wasn't the "stupid box" that he found more important than you. It was his self-respect, basic sanity, and happiness. He didn't want be repeatedly nagged and controlled (which is itself disrespectful) by a grown woman that was jealous of a box.

 

You and and your sister are right that you should just let him go. He's definitely not looking for the same things in life that you are.

[tanbark813]

I told him what he had to do to make our relationship work and he decided some stupid box with scrapbooks, pictures and high school yearbooks was more important than me. I was on the phone with my sister most of the night and she couldn’t believe it either. Any man that would give up a two year relationship over something so insignificant is a piece of ****.

 

Weren't you the one who ended things? He didn't decide that the scrapbooks were more important than the relationship, you did. At any rate, just find a guy with no spine for your next relationship and you'll be good to go.

[norajane]

Any man that would give up a two year relationship over something so insignificant is a piece of ****.

 

Well, you're the one who was willing to give up a relationship over something so insignificant as a box of high school mementos, weren't you?

 

I told him that if he didn’t get rid of them it would show me that he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with me.

 

I told him what he had to do to make our relationship work and he decided some stupid box with scrapbooks, pictures and high school yearbooks was more important than me.

 

You told him...and you didn't really care what his perspective was, and that he might be just as entitled to his viewpoint as you are to yours. That is why you are having these problems. It's not about the box - it's that you are trying to control him and he doesn't like it.

[annabelle75]

Do you have OCD? I am not asking this to be mean. It’s a genuine question. I have a mild case of OCD. Most people would never know unless they went to my house and saw how meticulously I have things organized. I have dealt with it over the years and learned a lot about myself and how I react to things. Being aware of why I feel the way I do has been a huge relief for me over the years. Understanding how I sometimes fixate over insignificant things, has help me put perspective on what really matters and what doesn’t.

 

It seems to me that once you saw this box you kind of fixated on it. It made you feel uncomfortable and “in your head” you turned it into this “big deal” even though it was just a box of stuff from his past. I don’t think it was really even about what was inside of the box. Logically you know a girl he dated more than a decade ago is not a threat to your relationship. You’re upset and feel out of control because he won’t do something you told him to. It makes you feel as though you have no control in the relationship. You feel as though if you surrender this time, you’ll never have any sort of control again. This really is about control.

 

How do you handle it from here? Its your choice really. You can choose to let your emotions get the better of you and allow a two year relationship to end or you can take control of the situation and yourself. The only person you can really control is you. You can choose to acknowledge that this relationship is more important than a box. You can choose to listen to what he has to say tonight. You can choose make your relationship work. You can choose to not let your control issues push some one away that loves you.

 

Its time to take back control of the situation. Don’t let your fears and insecurities ruin something that could be really great. If he’s been with you fro two years he obviously loves you. Trust that and stop trying to make him prove it.

[Lizzie60]

I would be running for the hills.... WOW talk about controlling.

 

First you wanted him to move with you so you could monitor all his 'comings and goings'... ha-hem...

 

Then you go through his personal stuff because you have issues with YOUR own insecurities and you totally disrespect him ... again WOW...

 

I truly hope that he leaves you... you will both be sooo miserable together.

[Silence]

I can’t believe what he did last night. It doesn’t make any sense. I’ve spent most of the morning on the phone with my sister and she agrees that he is the one that is wrong. We had a really good thing and he’s ruined it.

 

He got home late from work last night and I had been thinking about the box all day and decided it was time to let him know that he wasn’t going to be able to move on with me if he continued to hold on to his past. He started to make dinner and I joined him in the kitchen to talk. I told him that our relationship is very important to me and when I made a commitment to him (by inviting him to live with me) I made sure I let go of any relationships of the past so that we could start over fresh. Before I could finish telling him what I have to say he started rolling his eyes and told me if I said one more word about his high school scrap books he was moving out. I couldn’t believe he would say that. I told him that if he didn’t get rid of them it would show me that he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with me. He then just threw the tortillas on the floor (he was making us tacos) and walked out. He took his wallet and car keys with him. He didn’t say a single word. I’m still in shock.

 

I called him maybe 10 times last night and he would not answer, of course. I can’t believe how much he was disrespecting me. I know he went to stay with one of his single friends. What kind of an ******* gets a thrill out of treating his girlfriend so badly? I left several messages telling him that if he didn’t come back last night I was changing the locks and throwing away his stuff. I didn’t hear back from him until this morning. He sent me a text saying that he would be home after work to talk. I can’t believe he thinks he could get away with this. I told him what he had to do to make our relationship work and he decided some stupid box with scrapbooks, pictures and high school yearbooks was more important than me. I was on the phone with my sister most of the night and she couldn’t believe it either. Any man that would give up a two year relationship over something so insignificant is a piece of ****.

 

My sister says I should come over to her house tonight and just leave him a note telling him to pack his stuff and leave. I can’t see that I really have any other options. He made his choice and it wasn’t me. I hope he can live with himself knowing what he has lost.

 

Well at least we know why you're so screwed up. Genetics.

[Capricorn]

Why is everyone attacking her? He is the one choosing a box of junk from his ex over his relationship with her! I'd kick him to the curb too. I could see having a photo or two but a whole special box for his ex? He needs to get over the past. I'd let him be by his self with his box.

[Silence]

Why is everyone attacking her? He is the one choosing a box of junk from his ex over his relationship with her! I'd kick him to the curb too. I could see having a photo or two but a whole special box for his ex? He needs to get over the past. I'd let him be by his self with his box.

 

 

It seems like she's choosing the box over her relationship with him. If it's so called junk why should it matter whether he has it or not? She's becoming obsessed and controlling, neither of which is conducive to a healthly relationship.

 

How petty do you have to be to kick someone to the curb over a box or letters and pictures. Are you that insecure about yourself and your relationship that you feel the need to domineer his actions?

 

 

EDIT: He's not choosing the box over their relationship. She's the one that violated his privacy and looked through it. It wasn't as if he was waving the pictures around saying, "Wow I remember when I really loved that girl." If anything it's her fault for this situation occuring.

 

Some people like to think back to their past to remember the good days they had, if you can't understand that then I'm sorry.

[Krytellan]

Why is everyone attacking her? He is the one choosing a box of junk from his ex over his relationship with her! I'd kick him to the curb too. I could see having a photo or two but a whole special box for his ex? He needs to get over the past. I'd let him be by his self with his box.

 

Maybe she will... he might be better for it.

[rumours83]

What I don't understand is the contradiction that so many people are responding with: "That it was 11 years ago" ok that may not mean the ex in question is a direct threat but surely that's a contradiction in terms? If you are telling strugglinginCA that it's not such a big deal then why would he have an issue with getting rid of the box? I have asked my other half to get rid of photos and love letters of his ex before, he kept them in the filing cabinet. If you are living together and share stuff i.e. all your CDs are mixed up, not separate etc then she's going to come across the stuff quite often. It annoyed me that every time i tried to find a phone bill, or some other less exciting part of life and a relationship together to come across a photo. We only keep momentos of the good memories, never mind the crap ones. It would be very easy to idolise someone you remember that way, especially if it's at a time when your relationship is not going so great. Basically it caused tension between us because I would feel a little upset for no other reason than a stupid photo. The result? he got rid of them, didn't miss them at all (i would be worried if he did) and we don't have any more arguments over them. Can you imagine finding photos of your parents exs? That is, if they are still together and didn't have any children from a previous marriage. Probably not, as they would have moved on from their exs a long, long time ago! I find that people that keep momentos may have low self esteem, "proof" that someone once loved them, out of respect and avoiding conflict in the new relationship, aren't memories enough to suffice?

[tanbark813]

It annoyed me that every time i tried to find a phone bill, or some other less exciting part of life and a relationship together to come across a photo.

 

Unless she keeps her phone bills in his storage unit she shouldn't have a problem running across them.

[rumours83]

Unless she keeps her phone bills in his storage unit she shouldn't have a problem running across them.

 

yep, that's why I keep my vibrator separate from my partner's belongings, that way he don't get jealous

[birdie]

I find that people that keep momentos may have low self esteem, "proof" that someone once loved them, out of respect and avoiding conflict in the new relationship, aren't memories enough to suffice?[/quote]

 

no I don't think that's the case at all. I personally don't really have mementos, maybe a couple of pics somewhere but I don't have a problem with boyfriends keeping letters and other stuff.

 

People are not robots, we are all products of our upbringing and relationships with other people. We all need to relate to our past because our past determines who we are right now.

 

I think anyone who feels threatened by a partner's past should look into themselves and find the reason why.

[Cobra_X30]

I think anyone who feels threatened by a partner's past should look into themselves and find the reason why.

 

I try not to date stippers for this reason. Are you saying that is MY problem???

 

Do you seriously believe new relationship=blank slate?

[birdie]

 

I try not to date stippers for this reason. Are you saying that is MY problem???

 

Do you seriously believe new relationship=blank slate?

 

you don't feel comfortable with dating a woman that takes her clothes off in front of other men. it's not a problem but it is you that decides to make that choice for a reason. it's not the stripper's 'fault'

 

no, I'm not saying at all that new relationship is a blank slate. quite the opposite. a person is a product of previous relationships from birth (so including family, romantic partners, etc)

 

it is how it is

[Cobra_X30]

Before I could finish telling him what I have to say he started rolling his eyes and told me if I said one more word about his high school scrap books he was moving out. I couldn’t believe he would say that. I told him that if he didn’t get rid of them it would show me that he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with me. He then just threw the tortillas on the floor (he was making us tacos) and walked out. He took his wallet and car keys with him. He didn’t say a single word. I’m still in shock.

 

I called him maybe 10 times last night and he would not answer, of course.

 

Thats called a temper tantrum!

 

Look, everyone says you should have just let this go. I am not so shure of that. Honestly, it seems like your BF is just an immature jerk. I think you need to pull the plug on this one right away!

[Silence]

Thats called a temper tantrum!

 

Look, everyone says you should have just let this go. I am not so shure of that. Honestly, it seems like your BF is just an immature jerk. I think you need to pull the plug on this one right away!

 

Him rolling his eyes and throwing tortillas on the floor is having a temper tantrum, but when she gets mad that he doesn't do what she demands it is?

 

Double standards anyone?

 

The only ones immature here are her, and you for giving this crap advice.

[annabelle75]

I'm judging by her lack of an update today that last night's Talk did not go very well. If he'd come groveling back she probably would have been here crowing about it.

 

Might want to look for her in the Break Up forum.

[rumours83]

 

I try not to date stippers for this reason. Are you saying that is MY problem???

 

Do you seriously believe new relationship=blank slate?

 

strugglinginCA has just moved in with this guy, which would indicate a serious relationship. Unless it's for some other reason like finances, i can only assume it's for love, in which case i imagine they would be hoping to have a future together, if not, what's the point? I think it is a perfectly acceptable thing to ask in a serious relationship assuming you envision a future together. sometimes it doesn't work out, i know, but unless it's just a fun fling i don't know of anyone who would move onto another level of commitment if they thought the relationship wouldn't last. I think everyone should try to start a new relationship with a clean slate otherwise it doesn't fare well for the future, besides there is nothing as unattractive as baggage in a new relationship, if some one didn't want to let go of a box of junk of a relationship from a long time ago (saying it's no big deal is a contradiction if you won't get rid of it) i would dump them, and tell them to call me in future once they sorted themselves out.

[birdie]

that's cobra's quote, not mine. it has my name on it but I'd never say something like that quote.

 

my point is that absolutely everyone has a right for commitment

 

however, hoping that there is a possibility for a clean slate is very naive because you can't wipe out past relationships from your mind. you shouldn't anyway because relationship experience means a lot of positives as well. I am much better at handling a conflict than I was 10 years ago.

 

your personality and behaviour are determined from the minute you are born and from the minute you start observing how your parents behave in a marriage. then you start your own relationships and you 'live and learn'.

 

you can chuck out as many boxes with exes letters, it doesn't make the slightest difference to the person you are and how they are in your head. this is reality

[Lishy]

THANK YOU !!! Some one finally understands what it means to be in a real loving trusting relationship.

 

Perhaps if the rest of you learned what a real relationships was you wouldn't be here writting about your failed relationships.

 

I was sort of seeing where you was coming from and why you felt upset - UNTIL I READ THIS!

 

I think you are acting like his mother, not his lover and I think you need to grow the hell up and get some help for yiur controlling ways!

 

You sound like a nightmare - No wonder he does not answer calls to you, he probably doesnt want the 3rd degree.

 

If you dont trust him then dont be with him!

 

I hope he sees the light and packs up his little shrine and gets away from you. That is probably why he holds onto the memories of a nice happy relationship where he is not being ordered around and questioned every time he wants to do something for himself.

 

Poor bloke!

[Lishy]

Wow I almost jumped up and down in excitement when he threw the tortillas and walked out !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

He gew himself a back bone!

 

I wonder if he gave in when he came back for 'the talk' and threw his box away?

 

Will we ever know?

 

Oooooooooo the excitement!

[rumours83]

that's cobra's quote, not mine. it has my name on it but I'd never say something like that quote.

 

my point is that absolutely everyone has a right for commitment

 

however, hoping that there is a possibility for a clean slate is very naive because you can't wipe out past relationships from your mind. you shouldn't anyway because relationship experience means a lot of positives as well. I am much better at handling a conflict than I was 10 years ago.

 

your personality and behaviour are determined from the minute you are born and from the minute you start observing how your parents behave in a marriage. then you start your own relationships and you 'live and learn'.

 

you can chuck out as many boxes with exes letters, it doesn't make the slightest difference to the person you are and how they are in your head. this is reality

 

 

Sorry about this misquote, I think you were quoting curmudgeon, which was the quote i was trying to use. The stuff about personality and behaviour is pretty obvious! But that is where it should stay, in the head is just a memory, pretty much in the past. Keeping memories in the form of photos and stuff brings in pretty much into the present, which is probably why strugglinginCA is upset about it. What lishy said is right, he's keeping memories to keep going between relationships, which means he can't really be serious about this one. Like i said before, if your parents are together and happy, they're not going to have photos of old exs stored somewhere! the need to physically hold onto old relationships would naturally disappear if your current relationship is happy and has a future.