Does LDR = excitement?

[LoveLace]

So my new boyfriend only lives an hour and a half away, no big deal, however our schedules still do not allow for us to see each other very often. We spent the whole weekend together and already miss each other like crazy. He and I were discussing weather or not it only feels exciting because we live a little far a part; I asked, what if you eventually get to live together or see each other all the time, and the excitement fades? We both feel that we have the potential to make it exciting on our own; and he pointed out that after a while things do start to feel monotanous and predictable, but it's just part of life and you have to work to re-create that excitement; this is true weather or not it's a LDR or not, right?

 

We have a great time together and communicate all of our feelings quite well, etc., and he's a wonderful that believes in total romance which I love. But still -- how do you know if it's just the distance making it seem so great, or is it really just the relationship that's going great? I do know he's making me quite happy so far, but I'm also happy with being a little far a part right now. I need a lot of space with all that's in my life, which he knows -- but if I told him to move here right now, he probably would in a heart beat. I'd love to see him more but I also tend to feel smothered by men who like me this much. What if he were to move here and I suddenly got sick of him? Is there any way to predict it?

[quankanne]

in my experience, the excitement came when we were together, not apart, and we did some serious long distance dating/early marriage. Because when you're apart, you've got your lifestyle a certain way ... if you want to run to Barnes and Noble at 9 p.m. and just hang out, you can when you're apart; if you want to hang out with friends, you can. Or if you just want to veg out with chick flicks and raw cookie dough, you can. Missing the other person can become painful, but the independence is heady.

 

when you're together, you've got to figure out how this person fits in your life, even when you love him/her madly, and you've got to compromise for the best of the relationship. And I don't mean that in a negative way, but in the sense that it's a challenge to find a happy balance, you know? The excitement comes from discovering little things about your mate that give him more depth, that makes him more "real," which is hard to do when you're apart ...

 

what if you eventually get to live together or see each other all the time, and the excitement fades?

 

hopefully that doesn't happen because the dynamic between the two of you is so great, and you're continuing to learn those little things about him & your relationship. The only "stagnant" part comes when you've finally learned to live together in close quarters, but that's because it reflects change from being single to being a couple ... not your partner, IMO.

 

What if he were to move here and I suddenly got sick of him? Is there any way to predict it?

 

best indicator I found? That I could live quite happily together or apart from the guy I ended up marrying, but that I'd much rather be with him because life was an adventure each and every day.

 

I also think that those things that drive you nuts about someone will reveal themselves early and you either learn to over look them, or you get fed up and you dump that person. It's only happen once, with a sticky booger exBF who couldn't respect my need for time alone because I'm more of a loner than not. With my husband, it's great, because he's cool with my doing things (hitting the sewing store, going to the library or BNN or even playing on the computer) without him tagging along. Which makes him idea, because it goes back to the "I can live happily with him, and I can live happily without him, but being with him is a good adventure" thing.

[LoveLace]

Thanks for your advice quankanne. It's definitely exciting when we are together. At the same time, I like my space and freedom; even though I miss him, too. Last night on the phone he seemed to be having a bit of a harder time than me about it, and said he wishes he could see me all the time. That was sweet and I don't mind that he said it. However, if he lived near-by that comment might have made me feel smothered, I'm not sure.

 

But he also says he's impressed by the fact that I have my own life and a lot going on aside from him; he also tells me he doesn't want to interfere with my school work. That tells me he'd probably say the same things if it wasn't a LDR, which makes me feel more at ease about the whole thing. In response to what you said, I definitely feel just as happy while he's away as I do while with him! The only difference is missing him and counting down the days to see him again.

 

thank u!

[quankanne]

he also tells me he doesn't want to interfere with my school work. That tells me he'd probably say the same things if it wasn't a LDR

 

this is an incredibly positive sign IMO, because it shows that even as he misses you, he understands the need to achieve certain goals and priorities first so that you can be together without those stresses added to the relationship. And I cannot emphasize how important that is in a relationship (again, thinking about the sticky booger ex, who would stand outside the back door of the newspaper office I was working at, banging on the door so I'd come spend time with him :sick: he didn't understand – or care – that I had an obligation to my work, even if I didn't care for the late hours).

 

honestly, it sounds like you two have got a very mature outlook on your relationship, and that this time/distance apart will actually strengthen it because you'll know that you can make it if something unexpected comes up and you're forced to be apart for awhile, like work or family obligations.

[SillyScissors]

If he smells and drinky drinky

[TogetherForever]

If he smells and drinky drinky

 

You're supposed to stay on topic.

[norajane]

It can work both ways.

 

An LDR can give you a false impression of what your relationship is...the distance can increase the longing, longing you wouldn't feel if you were together all the time. The weekend visits can feel like honeymoon because you carefully schedule everything so that when you are together, you are totally focused on enjoying each other and having fun. Because you try to cram all the fun in the weekend, you don't hang around each other during more mundane times. So when you are finally living in the same city and regular life takes over, then you suddenly realize you don't have much in common, or that he's a grouch when he's working, or that you don't want to spend so much time together.

 

Or an LDR can give you a taste of something that you find you want more and more of, to the point when you do move to be together, you have already become a solid couple who really is good together.

 

Only time will show you which kind of couple you are.

[LoveLace]

An LDR can give you a false impression of what your relationship is...the distance can increase the longing, longing you wouldn't feel if you were together all the time. The weekend visits can feel like honeymoon because you carefully schedule everything so that when you are together, you are totally focused on enjoying each other and having fun. Because you try to cram all the fun in the weekend, you don't hang around each other during more mundane times. So when you are finally living in the same city and regular life takes over, then you suddenly realize you don't have much in common, or that he's a grouch when he's working, or that you don't want to spend so much time together.

 

Or an LDR can give you a taste of something that you find you want more and more of, to the point when you do move to be together, you have already become a solid couple who really is good together.

 

 

I think your right Norajane...(you always have such sensible words!) We already said that being together this weekend felt a lot like a honeymoon. Just being together period feels like a honeymoon. But we realize this is probably mostly due to being "new" and we both realize that "new" wears off.

 

So far it feels like something I want "more and more of" and as time goes along I like him more and more. We've discovered we have a lot in common as far as interests and family values, etc. We were a bit sad when he had to go back home yesterday; but we said we just look forward to seeing each other again. But on the phone last night we were missing each other hardcore; he said that every time I say how I feel about him, that he feels the exact same way. He agreed that what we have here is starting to feel more "real" all the time....we were both laying in bed and he kept saying how much he was wishing I was there...he said the last few hours were "brutal"...he almost made me cry! When I hung up I really almost cried! Not just because I missed him; but because of how much he missed me and all the sweet things he says to me....so I guess they were happy tears....

 

sorry to ramble on but I think it helps to come here because I'm shocked at having such a wonderful thing suddenly drop into my life out of nowhere, and as happy as I am there's a part of me that wants to hold back because it could turn out to be not so "real" after all.

[sb129]

My current R started as a LDR, which at the time was really good for me, because I was not long out of a pretty destructive R, and the LDR gave me a badly needed confidence boost, but it also gave me the space I needed to get my independence back and get my head around that..

 

Initially it was fantastic, and I really enjoyed having the weeks to myself (I spent ALOT of time on LS) and looked forward to weekends with my BF

It was a little bit like NJ said-lots of longing and honeymoon-ish periods because the weekends were so special. But eventually I couldn't bear to be away from wonderboy for too long, and it become really tough!

 

This is the second time I have gone from LDR to moving in with the person. The first time was a massive crash down to earth, as once the day-to-day life set in, I realised I had given up alot (my friends etc etc) to be with a guy who wasn't prepared to make many compromises to fit into my life. we weren't ready, and soon began bickering. I resented that he didn't seem to appreciate what I had given up to be with him, and hence wasn't the nicest person to be around, and vice versa.

 

THIS time, I was a little apprehensive when I moved in with Wonderboy, as once bitten twice shy etc.

BUT I was moving to be with him in a city where most of my friends live (I spent many of my weekends with him trying to meet up with them too) so i was excited about that too, and of course was excited about seeing more of him.

 

So far its been brilliant, (2 months.. fledgling) and I get excited about seeing him at 6pm when we both get home from work! I can't believe I used to go for a week or two without seeing him.... we are just as happy doing planned 'activities' as we are lounging about on the sofas all weekend.

 

Having our own independence is good too, as we can happily go off and do our own thing here, yet still enjoy living together.

[LoveLace]

I'm happy that it's going well for you the 2nd time around sb! My guy thinks independence is important, so I can't see him being unappreciative of anything I might do for him. But it does sound like he'd love it if I eventually moved to his hometown; it's where he originally planned on raising a family with his ex. It's a smaller town known for being one of the safest places in the state and it's known for having very good schools, etc, and where everyone's friendly, etc...but I'd be an hour and 1/2 away from all my friends and family and I just don't know how long I'd last that way. He said that he wouldn't be opposed to living in my hometown, but he would be further from his friends too, and the cost of living is more and it's definitely not as safe but there are very nice areas around here.

 

I told him as time goes along we'll feel everything out and eventually decide where we'd like to end up together; my other dilemma is that I'm all my mom has and she would probably hate me if I moved more than 30 min. away from her!

[sb129]

Just enjoy it, and don't walk before you can run. Take some time to get to know eachothers friends, and obviously you have your studies to think of.

 

Good luck!

[oppath]

I'm in the same position and have the same fears. My longest relationship has only been 6 months, and I've always felt "****, I can't sustain a relationship period" and now I'm starting one long distance, following the same pattern I always have, dating someone JUST out of a relationship (heck, I was likely the catalyst). OMG!!!!

 

But I like her. And it's not quite a romantic honeymoon for me. It's very enjoyable, passionate, with a great deal of comfort. It's a little more subdued. I've described it as passion on xanax.

 

The initial distance can be a good thing. Even if he lived close, despite strong attraction, it is good to take your time getting to know someone. You should live a full life anyway. So I'd suggest see him when you can for a few months and then re-evaluate when you are closer and get to know how you two truly work as a couple. That takes several months anyway unless there are major dealbreakers. If he were in your city, it would likely take the same amount of time, maybe 4-5 months. The bigger concern would be once you start getting close, and realizing how difficult it is to see each other more often, and one of you having commitment phobia. But for now, get to know him and enjoy it.

[LoveLace]

Thanks for your advice oppath...gosh, we've been on the phone every single day/night since we met for hours at a time at night, if not that then we've been together. He told me that he applied to transfer his job so that he can move here (which he thought of doing before he met me) It wouldn't be right away but possibly in the next 2-3 months. I would like that, cuz I would get to see him a bit more often but not live with him. We'd get a taste of being around each other more that way. You know that movie "The Notebook"? I swear he's just like that guy, the one that doesn't leave her side for a second and loves her and dedicates himself to her...my guy reminds me of him, just maybe not quite as extravagant. At this point I feel that I'd be a fool to let him go. We were talking about "moving fast" last night; we both agree that we don't mean for it to go quickly...we just feel how we feel and we are both on cloud 9. We have the same interests, similar personalities, and the same long-term goals. Not to mention, the physical compatibility is incredible. He's more of a softy than the average guy I think; and sometimes I wonder if he's a little too dependent emotionally....but I'd rather have all of this than an insensitive guy that shows no emotions at all, which I've had plenty of in the past.

 

At the same time he's very cool, smart, sexy, smooth, musically talented, down to earth, friendly, easy-going, responsible and ambitious. He's all I've ever dreamt of and I'm still in shock! Neither of us appear to be committ-phobes....he knows I want a family one day and he makes it clear that he wants to spend the rest of his life making one woman happy. Our mutual friend told me that he's not a "player" by any means, he has always been a 1-woman kind of guy, and all of his relationships have been fairly long-lasting. He's also done it all and seen it all though,as he did admit to a few 1-night stands in his past but I'd worry he wasn't normal if this wasn't the case.

 

Still can't find a thing wrong with any of it...not that I want to!!

[Beauty28]

Yeah usually if he's a sensitive guy he's a keeper. I was dating a guy LD, I don't know if it was really an LDR yet but it all fell through. It's kinda hard to get to know someone long distance. I guess it just wasn't meant to be. Or hey.... he's one of those terrible insensitive guys that we hate so much. Either way, A sensitive guy to me, is ALWAYS a good thing.

[Nat1117]

I think you realize a lot of things when you are apart.

 

And sure it creates excitement, but also other extreme emotions like sadness etc. Its all part of the rollercoaster ride.

 

I've been in a relationship for almost 4 years now with the last year being long distance. I think if you have thoughts like you are truly meant to be and you have a connection w/ him that you dont have with anyone else chances are i think you won't get sick of him when you finally are together everyday.

 

Theres no way to predict the future, but go with your gut. It will tell you if its right.

 

and PS. good for you for going to school and doing what you want with your life! i'm in the same boat- finishing school. Its hard, but sometimes you have to just do what you have to do with your lives separately before you can be together in the same place. it will pay off tho!!