Damned if you do...?

[CBB1980]

You know the rest... I found the Loveshack forums after an internet search for "loving a cocaine addict." So here's my story...

 

I met a girl about a month ago. She was everything I've ever wanted in a girl and someone I never thought I'd ever meet. We clicked on every level and it was amazing. That kind of relationship where you think, "Is she the one?"

 

Fast forward... She had been avoiding me for a couple weeks. Still talking and communicating, but nowhere near as excited to see me. Kept complaining about not sleeping well and being stressed, etc. I, being the neurotic that I am, thought she was getting bored with me, but I decided to believe her and encourage she just relax and get some rest, always a little perturbed by her excuses for not seeing me.

 

Then, early morning last sunday, I get a text message: "In hospital. Loong story. Going into ER. May be unreachable for a while." Needless to say this had me on pins and needles. I didn't know what was going on. Was it her heart condition? Was it her daughter? I had no idea.

 

Finally I get a call about 12 hours later. She's sobbing and explaining that she relapsed into using cocaine a couple weeks prior and that she's going to rehab. This freaked me out. I had known that several years ago she had had a problem and sought treatment, and we'd spoken openly about it. Nobody's perfect, and she sought help and that was behind her, so no harm, no foul. But this stunned me.

 

Since then, I have been kept on the periphery, excluded to a point, almost as if she only wanted to contact me for some kind of 'soft treatment' because whenever I pushed to know, she'd get angry with me and push away. There was confusions, tears, etc... At one point she said, "This is all too much for me right now" Which I took to me, "our relationship." And this after pledging my support. So, broken hearted, I tell her I understand and we should exchange things. At which point she backpedals, asks for time, then tells me that it must be easier to give up on me that I thought, etc... We talked the next day (Tuesday) and openly and frankly discussed our situation. I said that she needs to heal and to do it for her, and I know that she might not be able to be in a relationship after rehab and if that's what she needs to stay sober, then I woudl support that, etc... I was trying to deal with all the thoughts and feelings and self-pity and fear and sadness that was accompanying possibly losing the greatest thing in my life. She has my address, told me she loved me.

 

We met for lunch the day she was leaving for rehab. It was emotional. It was awkward. The whole time all this is going on I've got 1000 different conflicts and voices in my head. I had given her a very precious memento of mine as a sign of my affection: a chain I've worn for 17 years...and everyone was telling me to get it back. Addiction specialists I spoke to said that the #1 thing to remember is an addict who is not in treatment cannot be trusted. Given my feeling of being excluded, I had doubts I would never see her again...and my heart hated me for it. After we said our goodbyes...

 

I had to call her up and ask for my chain back.

 

That hurt me so badly--knowing what it would symbolize. She agreed and we met. It was difficult. She said things like, "No...I understand. I just thought, y'know, you trusted me." And things of a similar nature, meant to push my buttons and manipulate. I tried to reassure her. I told her I want to hear from her and I want to see her again, and how much I care, how much I'm here for her and support her. It was...hell.

 

3 hours later, she commented on my myspace page: a pic of a penguin smacking another into the ice with the caption: "One final parting shot. I'll miss you." But then she texts me later that night about how she's going to miss her daughter.

 

And now, she is in a rehab facility and I am dealing with all sorts of feelings. Everyone I know is making feel stupid for hoping for a happy ending. I'm afraid I'll never see her again. I'm afraid I will see her again. I'm afraid it's the end of our relationship, or my doubts and fears are what has ended it. I'm hoping she writes to me (she said she would) and I told her that if she does I'll write to her. Everyone's saying I don't need to be with her and I need to move on, etc... I'm very confused, conflicted, hurt, and scared.

 

I do not know the full truth behind why she started using again. I do know she lied to me. I do know that she made her own decision to start using again, that has nothing to do with me. I do know that the girl I fell in love with is an amazing person. And I know that with a heart condition and a 13 month old, she has problems if she's going to be shooting cocaine. My trust is bruised, but I want to believe that things can be worked out. I'm almost desperate for a reassurance that I haven't lost her (as she said I hadn't when we had lunch...before I asked for my chain back) but...I don't know. Some people say I need to give her space in rehab to gain perspective and to leave her alone. But what if leaving her alone makes her think I don't care? I hurt like hell for not trusting her, and though I keep telling myself--as everyone else does--that I did the best thing for me, because "How was I supposed to know...she could have been lying the whole time" The not knowing and feeling powerless are killing me.

 

In short, I don't know anything about this type of situation.

 

And it's driving me mad.

[confusion92]

Its a great sign that she's getting help and she realizes she has a problem, but she's going to have to deal with this for the rest of her life. If you're with her you also will have to deal with it for the rest of your life, not to mention her daughter. My best advice (My BF is also a cocaine addict, and I've been dealing with it for 6 years) and it's harsh.... keep going and don't look back. To be the person on the other side of addiction is not easy, especially if they're not able to admit to the problem. If you like her enough, you have a long road ahead, just be prepaired for what you are able to get yourself invovled with.