Letter+Possible Meeting Tonight after NC

[niceguy27]

Okay. I will try posting this here too. See if I can get any advice.

 

Ok. After almost 2 weeks since she said she wanted to "sort things out" we have been in contact a little here and there since then. Each time I never bring us up. Just little things here and there.

 

Today she was going to come over and get some of her mail. Long story short, it forced me to talk to her on the phone. Small talk here and there about me being super busy and stuff. Same with her. Then I slipped. I said Im just gonna come out and say it. I miss you. "I miss you too. I do" from her. So I then asked if she wanted to hang out sometime, get drinks or whatever. She said to call her when I get out of work tonight to see if she feels like meeting up.

 

She said she kind of wants to talk about whatever and touch base about things. I had written a letter a few nights back after I had gotten home from a nice little sabbatical away. Its basically a letter about her being a committment phobe (which is the underlying cause of our problem).

 

I wanted to post it here just in case she brings us up and to see if I should read it to her. Let me know if this sounds too forward:

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XXX,

 

I have had a lot of time to try to understand what has happened to a seemingly wonderful journey that you and I were on. All I seemed to focus on was one question? Why? Why is xxx doing this?

 

The answers ranged from you truly needing to establish own spot in this world, taking a breather from us, and the last, but hardest to understand, you had met someone else.

 

Me being the analytical type, I of course wondered again; Why? Why look for someone els when it is going so good? Then it hit me.

 

I believe now that for some reason you are afraid to admit and trust your own personal feelings. When you looked and saw just good things our between us, you started to question your feelings instead of trusting them. By doing that, you started to dwell on little negative reasons for us not to be together ie. freedom, no obligations, etc. By doing that you helped yourself push yourself away from me to make it easier to leave.

 

Thats why deep down you felt you wanted me and us to have a future, but at the same time your distrust of those feelings caused you to become distant. So instead of focusing on the good, you focused on the bad and give me the "confused" and "space" line. But in reality, you had already given up on trusting yourself to make that decision based on your deep down feelings. You decided that if you focused on the negatives and found someone that reinforces that, it would be a whole lot easier to justify your actions.

 

So this brings out a real deep issue with you. Your fear of committment. That is what is happening. For some reason, that is why you run when you are confronted with your deep down feelings. Sush as it is with us. You dont trust yourself enough to fully let go and embrace them.

 

xxx, I can see it in your eyes when you look at me how you feel. I can feel it in your embrace and when we talk. So why fight that feeling? Are you scared that you may miss out on something? Life may pass you by? That there is something more? Well Im scared too. Everyone is scared of the future. Nobody knows what it will bring us. But have you thought of something else...

 

What are you going to miss out on with us by leaving? Just think of the opposite of running away. Think of staying and just seeing how it works out? You seem so focused on what you may be missing out on that you may completely not see what you have right here and now.

 

I believe this is the main reason for what has happened to us lately. When you were confronted with the possibility that we were in a committed, long term relationship, your distrust of your feelings caused you to shut down completely. Like a switch. That is why you were acting so distant the last couple weeks. And this is why I think you started hanging out with someone who is completely opposite of you. To reinforce your decision to turn away and leave.

 

I know that this is a very big issue that you and I have never had to deal with until now. So I will ask you one time and one time only and will never bring it up again. Would you be willing to see a counselor/therapist about this? As a friend, I think that there a lot of things that you would like to and should get off your chest. Such as your mother and the relationship with your father over the years. This may be just the thing to help with that.

 

xxx, You mean the world to me. i really believe deep down you and I are the happiest with each other. We accept each other for who they are and love each others faults. I love you and would do anything to be there for you in almost any way. I would never bring something like this up unless I had thought long and hard about it and thought it was the best thing to do.

 

I am willing to fight to save us from fading into the past and seeing this to the end.

 

 

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If we meet up tonight, it will be the first time the two of us have really spent any time together in the last two weeks. Nonetheless actually talk about any of this.

[Zapbasket]

I think it's a good letter, but I wouldn't give it to her. It comes on pretty strong and when someone is on the fence like she is, it's better to pull back a bit and let her take the lead. If she's scared of committment, then a probing of her feelings such as in your letter might scare further...and away from you. I say "might," because of course I don't know her, you, or the dynamics of your relationship with each other up to this point. You seem very psychologically astute so watch her closely during your meeting, and respond to where SHE is rather than try to move her like a chess piece to where YOU want her to be.

 

After a while, if it seems like she's open to real discussion of the issues, maybe give her the letter. But I think it might be a better approach, if you get this far in the discussion, to let HER tell you HER feelings, and for you to tell yours rather than analyze hers. Often the best way to get someone to feel comfortable in an intimate situation is to try to meet them at their level, rather than to try to bring them to yours.

 

Of course, this advice is much easier to dispense than to take . Especially when you are confronting the possibility of losing something and someone very dear to you. Consider yourself very lucky that you got so far as for her to be willing to meet to talk things over. Treat this opportunity like the very great and fragile treasure it is and wear your very softest 'gloves.'

 

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

[niceguy27]

So do I let her bring up the relationship question then? That way start off the conversation on her foot.

 

I am real nervous about this. I do not want to push her into a corner at all. Maybe just let her do all the talking? Then do I tell her how I feel or what I think?

 

We have never had to confront this is in out relationship. I am 27 she is just 24. Weve been together 2 years and have never had any trust issues or co-dependancy or anything like that. Been a real good two years. Love of my life here.

[Zapbasket]

Yeah, just hold back a little. Don't assume you know what's going through her mind. Pick up on cues from her. From there, trust in your instincts and in the connection you two share.

 

Remember: she's on the fence. You won't get anywhere by appealing to her logic, only to her emotions. The way you do that is not by analyzing them, but by being a safe place for her. This does not mean be a "doormat"--hold your own, stay true to your needs, etc. Just shift your intent towards active listening rather than talking. People, I think, can sense when someone is really listening to them--it's such a rare thing it takes people aback; it empowers them. Let that be the voice of your caring for her, rather than words. Then if the opportunity arises to say "I love you," the words are powerful because she's already had that communicated to her by your behavior.

 

Take this advice especially to heart if you're the stronger personality in the relationship.

 

Again, good luck! Yours is a tough spot to be in. But the fact that the lines of communication are open is terrific.

[niceguy27]

Thank you for the ray of hope here. It makes me feel a little more at ease knowing and hearing it from her that she wants to visit the issue. I have been real laid back and have not brought anything up since the break.

[niceguy27]

Update:

 

So we didnt get a chance to meet up last night. We talked for a little bit on the phone though. I finally narrowed it down to she is just scared of commitment. I offered her one little bit of advice...I said instead of focusing on a couple small negative thigs (freedom, space, no obligation, etc), I said its easy to forget all the GOOD things about our relationship.

 

I also followed up saying that there will always be someone else out there with a different take on various things and she may feel shes missing out on something, but also thing about what she may be giving up.

 

I tried my best to be cool and calm about the whole thing. I then told her to get a hold of me when she wants to get together. I said Ive been keeping busy so just let me know and we can try to plan something out.

[niceguy27]

Met with Ex...

Last night I saw my ex for the first time in two weeks. We went to a mutual friends b day party at a beer tent. We drove together and I tell you what...I didnt bring us up one time. Just shot the breeze the whole way there. We stopped at her moms to get something and walked from there to the tent. There, I saw her dad and the three of us small talked until we sat down with the friends.

 

The few hours we were there we just hung out and things were kind of normal. We walked back to her moms, got my vehicle and left. On the way home we stopped to get something to eat. As we pulled over to eat, SHE brought us up. "Want to talk about us?"

 

I will tell you what, it actually worked. I said I guess, and I let her do almost ALL the talking. That is one of the first times I think I have ever held my tongue and created a bit of silence after she spoke. I prayed all day that I would find the right words to say to her when this time came. After seeing where she was, I chose them very carefully. Mind you, we have not seen or really spoken for 2-3 weeks. She told me that she does miss me tremendously and wants to come running back in my arms. But at the same time, she realizes that right now she needs to be 100% sure about her and I. She wants to do this now and not later down the road if we have a family. So she is forcing herself to step back and try to see what she has. I commend her for being honest at least with me and herself.

 

I didnt really say a whole lot. Silence is golden sometimes. After she said that, I could tell it was a fragile moment. She truly was on the fence and a yes or no question was not what was to be asked. I told her that if its meant to be, its meant to be. That threw her for a loop, thinking that I was giving up on her. I told her that it has not been all that long since we have been separated and I am not ready to make a decision right now to go one way or the other....See what happened? Suddenly I need to think things through also. Not playing games, but after this much time, I have had time to think with a little bit clearer head. I could see that she was nervous thinking I was gonna ask a yes or no question like that.

 

So it all ended when we got home and she came in for a few minutes. I looked at her and was honest. Myself. I said what we have is real. Its not some lovey dovey infatuation relationship like previous ex's. I told her I can see it in her eyes when she looks at me and feel it in her embrace when we hold each other how real it is. I told her I know she is scared to trust her feelings and it is something SHE has to get through. I said I have done all I can to try to help and its up to her to decide where it is going to go. I told her WE cannot be friends during this. Its not fair to give false hope to either of us. She agreed.

 

So all in all, a good night I beleive. Communication lines were open and reciprocated. Even after the talk, there was never any mention of an ultimatum or deadline for us to talk/decide again. Things just kind of ended with a hug, a small kiss, and me not really saying anything else. I had sent her a txt after she left saying that if its meant to be we will find each other again sometime and somewhere down the road.