Breaking Up Without Closure

[norajane]

I don't really understand the concept of closure. I think that most of the time when people say that need to speak to an ex or see an ex "to get closure" it really means they hope to see an ex and get them back. I just don't see the point if someone decides that they no longer love you or want to be with you why would you need them to give you reasons, they'll probably just lie to avoid more drama.

 

It's not just about answers. It's about common human decency and respecting other people.

 

Why does it seem so strange to you that a lover - someone whom you cared for and caressed, someone to whom you willingly gave unlimited orgasms... - should be expected to handle a goodbye with a little grace, honor, and kindness?

 

Seems like we treat telemarketers with more decency, and say "no, thank you" before hanging up. Why should we expect less from and give less to our lovers - is "thank you, this has been very special, but I need to move on because ___" really that hard???

[allina]

Because some people give their hearts in a relationship and when it's been stabbed they want to know why. I personally don't know anyone who doesn't want to know why it ended or at least have their reasons why they think it did confirmed.

 

 

But when a relationship ends 99% of the time it's because the person that ended it no longer wants/loves their ex, plain and simple. I know people will try to say it's not that simple but if there is an issue and both parties want it to work out they will work on it. I don't see the point of searching for and asking for detailed answers as to why an ex no longer wants you.

[allina]

It's not just about answers. It's about common human decency and respecting other people.

 

Why does it seem so strange to you that a lover - someone whom you cared for and caressed, someone to whom you willingly gave unlimited orgasms... - should be expected to handle a goodbye with a little grace, honor, and kindness?

 

Seems like we treat telemarketers with more decency, and say "no, thank you" before hanging up. Why should we expect less from and give less to our lovers - is "thank you, this has been very special, but I need to move on because ___" really that hard???

 

Well decency are respect are much different. I demand both from an ex or any other person in my life. Saying "I need to move on because__" is acceptable as well. What I am talking about is people going back and calling their ex non stop for "closure" when it's been made clear that their ex no longer has feelings for them that a relationship ends.

 

I don't see the point of running after an ex with a million questions when it's been made clear that for one reason or another it's over.

 

I guess I'll give examples so i make more sense. When I broke up with my ex of a bit over a year a couple years ago I broke it off because I felt like although he was a good man he was not the one for me. It was not an ugly break, I just didn't see a future with him. I think it would have been sad an awkward if he came after me with "but why? I need more closure." Also, before dating my current bf I dated a guy for 4 months. He dumped me stating we weren't right and he didn't see the relationship working out. Why would I need more than that.

 

I feel like when people say closure they're looking for a detailed list they can argue against, point is it didn't work out.

[norajane]

Well decency are respect are much different. I demand both from an ex or any other person in my life. Saying "I need to move on because__" is acceptable as well. What I am talking about is people going back and calling their ex non stop for "closure" when it's been made clear that their ex no longer has feelings for them that a relationship ends.

 

I don't see the point of running after an ex with a million questions when it's been made clear that for one reason or another it's over.

 

I guess I'll give examples so i make more sense. When I broke up with my ex of a bit over a year a couple years ago I broke it off because I felt like although he was a good man he was not the one for me. It was not an ugly break, I just didn't see a future with him. I think it would have been sad an awkward if he came after me with "but why? I need more closure." Also, before dating my current bf I dated a guy for 4 months. He dumped me stating we weren't right and he didn't see the relationship working out. Why would I need more than that.

 

I feel like when people say closure they're looking for a detailed list they can argue against, point is it didn't work out.

 

I agree - some people can take 'closure' too far. But from what I've read here, there are so many people who just disappear, or worse - who take the passive aggressive approach and just start treating their partners like crap until their partners break up with them.

 

There ought to be an expectation of honesty and decency. But once someone has expressed their feelings, hounding them for more explanations is usually counterproductive - at some point, you just have to accept it.

[IpAncA]

I guess the point to this all IMO is that some people need it in order to move on and some just don't care to know. Maybe those who don't care weren't that emotionally involved I don't know.

 

I find it hard to believe that someone in a deep committed relationship can just get it without ever wondering why the breakup occured. That is if they didn't get a reason.

[johan]

I think people always assume that the person who wants out knows exactly why they want out. I don't think this is always the case. Any explanation they could provide would just be misleading.

 

I think if the person getting out of the relationship has something constructive to say, then that would be good. But why the hell didn't they say it when the relationship still was salvageable? If they didn't, then they are the one to blame for the breakup. That was true in my case, when the girl I was with sprung a breakup on me. The bottom line is she failed to deal with things straight on. She was passive and absorbed so much that things just broke.

 

If the person getting out actually did communicate properly during the relationship, then closure was already provided. It's enough to say, "I told you this was bothering me, and it never changed."

 

Maybe sometimes an explanation after the fact would be a good thing, but most of the time not. I think most people aren't really taken off guard by their breakups.

 

I sense that people seeking closure are probably just looking for some words to soothe the shattered ego that can't process the fact that they got dumped. But indulging the ego is rarely productive. It is like a crazy person who invents their own reality. It's better just to revert to self-sufficiency and tell the ego to shut up.

[Curious139]

There are some really good thoughts here. I agree that if you have been with someone, loved them, given your heart and soul to them, then simple decency and kindness requires them to give some explanation.

 

As I see it, problems arise when a lover just walks away - no explanation, or an angry outburst, or just silence. That would be very hard to deal with. You have to ask yourself in that situation whether you really want to be with a person who could treat you this way. I wouldn't.

 

I think the more common problem is the hurt party is told the relationship is over but the explanation doesn't ring true or is too vague/brief. What else could be going on? Self doubt arises. Your ego is hurt. Perhaps there is a chance to explain (but rarely does this work).

 

The terrible fact is that no matter what explanation is given, ultimately we cannot force the person who has hurt us to change their mind. They must want to do so themselves. It can happen but not by continually asking them why why why!!!

[climbergirl]

There are some really good thoughts here. I agree that if you have been with someone, loved them, given your heart and soul to them, then simple decency and kindness requires them to give some explanation.

 

As I see it, problems arise when a lover just walks away - no explanation, or an angry outburst, or just silence. That would be very hard to deal with. You have to ask yourself in that situation whether you really want to be with a person who could treat you this way. I wouldn't.

 

I think the more common problem is the hurt party is told the relationship is over but the explanation doesn't ring true or is too vague/brief. What else could be going on? Self doubt arises. Your ego is hurt. Perhaps there is a chance to explain (but rarely does this work).

 

The terrible fact is that no matter what explanation is given, ultimately we cannot force the person who has hurt us to change their mind. They must want to do so themselves. It can happen but not by continually asking them why why why!!!

 

This is a great post.

 

I think if someone says it's over, that they can't see a future between the two of you.......then that is just something you have to accept. It doesn't matter how or why because, inevitably, you can't change how the other person feels. If they got to that point then you've gotten past the point of convincing them otherwise.

 

But I do think a 'break up' necessitates respect for the other side. Given that it was, at least at one time, a loving relationship then walking away with no explanation is a cruel and self serving approach.

[clandestinidad]

I thought about this earlier today, and posted a little about it here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1310290&postcount=819

 

I don't think it's possible to always have the type of closure where both people are at peace about the breakup. Sometimes the dumpee has to find ways of ACCEPTING the situation as it is without getting to vent and explain their point of view to the dumper. They find closure through acknowledging the fact that for whatever reason(s) the person wanted to end it, and thats that. They aren't the person for you.

 

I definitely think the dumper should give some reason/explanation for the breakup, and if possible a mature discussion about the situation should happen. But since people are usually so emotionally invested, maturity and rational thought quickly fly out the window. The dumpee usually reverts to some expression of hurt, confusion, and anger...which isn't really conducive with gaining any closure.

 

 

In college, one person broke up with me on or around my birthday, on the phone, saying that he was young and wanted to live like he was young, not like he was getting married or anything. We had talked about marriage. He was cold and it was obvious that he had exited. I was shocked and confused. I realized, however, that there was nothing for me to say about it because he had already made a decision. I could have yelled and thrown some fit, or asked more 'why' questions, but it did not matter at that point.

 

Instead of trying to talk to him about it, I journaled every thought and emotion that I had. It was a safe place to be irrational, pathetic, and sort through my confusion. Come to think of it, 2 other people broke up with me suddenly and I did the same thing. Of course, it took a few break-ups prior to that (in which I was the dumper and dumpee) for me to realize that there is no reason or benefit in trying to be on the same page, or get some sort of peaceful closure for both people. It just drags it out and causes more pain to try and continue an emotional discussion with someone who does not want an emotional relationship anymore.

 

Journaling is an excellent way to sort through everything. Talking to family/friends is sometimes helpful, but its hard to be so candid and revealing with people for fear of their thoughts/judgments. But you are free to be pathetic and crazy while writing something that no one else will read.

[birdie]

It probably depends on how you break up as well. I have been extremely lucky, I went out with very decent men and at one point or another we always managed to talk about why something wasn't working for us.

 

There was one messy relationship I had where it took me a while to get my head around it and I couldn't really rely on the other person to explain what went wrong (it was on and off, sometimes he broke it off, sometimes I did) but once I figured out his insecurities and mine, I felt much much better. Managed to rationalise it basically.

 

Currently I'm sort of in contact with an ex, we weren't together for long and really only broke up because we just couldn't communicate with each other (he shuts people out and goes quiet). He is struggling with this because he doesn't understand why I am so demanding of him rather than just accepting him how he is. He is not getting closure because I'm raising an issue with him that others must have raised with him before me.

 

So what I'm getting at is yes it really sucks when somebody just cuts you loose and never explains anything. At the same time it sucks when they tell you what it is that they are not happy with because it can really point to your deep fears and insecurities.

[Izzy B]

If someone breaks up with you, that is closure. It means they don't love you and no longer want to be with you. What more closure do you need?

My thoughts on why didn't they tell you when the relationship was salvageable...well, if you have to try to make it work, it isn't salvageable. why try to 'save' a relationship when you two are not compatible? Especially if you are not married and no kids involved. If someone falls out of love with you, they simply fall out of love, no one's fault, you just weren't the right person to make them happy.

[birdie]

that's because relationships often break up because people don't communicate properly and at least one person is not satisfied. you have to put some effort in at least initially to figure out whether you are compatible or not, it's not always that obvious and you shouldn't always give up easily.

 

if you keep hitting a wall and you are not getting anywhere then you know it will never work and move on. it's not always about falling in or out of love, especially in the beginning when it's not so much about love, it's more about determining whether you have a future.

 

even later on after a few years your goals can change and if you are not careful, you start drifting apart.

relationships take work because they are fluid. that's reality

[Izzy B]

I don't agree. Relationships aren't "work" or "effort" because it is something you want to do. (if it's love that is.)

[IpAncA]

Relationships aren't "work" or "effort" because it is something you want to do. (if it's love that is.)

 

I think sometimes you have to in order to keep things rolling.

[oppath]

Well decency are respect are much different. I demand both from an ex or any other person in my life. Saying "I need to move on because__" is acceptable as well. What I am talking about is people going back and calling their ex non stop for "closure" when it's been made clear that their ex no longer has feelings for them that a relationship ends.

 

I don't see the point of running after an ex with a million questions when it's been made clear that for one reason or another it's over.

 

I guess I'll give examples so i make more sense. When I broke up with my ex of a bit over a year a couple years ago I broke it off because I felt like although he was a good man he was not the one for me. It was not an ugly break, I just didn't see a future with him. I think it would have been sad an awkward if he came after me with "but why? I need more closure." Also, before dating my current bf I dated a guy for 4 months. He dumped me stating we weren't right and he didn't see the relationship working out. Why would I need more than that.

 

I feel like when people say closure they're looking for a detailed list they can argue against, point is it didn't work out.

 

Umm...but you gave (and got) closure. Someone saying "I don't think we are right for each other" is closure. In my last relationship, she swore "it has nothing to do with a lack of feelings; all the chemistry, romance, and passion are there; I'm giving up possibly the most amazing relationship of my life; if I wanted a relationship with anyone, it would be with you."

 

This girl told me she loved me and thought I was the guy she was going to marry a couple weeks prior. The reasons for the breakup: "it's not you, it's me. I don't know who I am and need to find myself. I'm not emotionally ready to continue making you happy, as I don't know who I am, and it wouldn't be fair to take you along on my dubious and introspective journey to find the true character and being of my soul."

 

What the **** is that supposed to mean? Aside from "I've lost interest and am too big of a coward to tell you I don't think we are right for each other." Coupled with her emailing me asking to be friends with benefits 1.5 weeks later, she put a totla mind **** on me. Her saying "I don't think we are right for each other, but I care about you and value you, so I need to end this relationship so you can heal and find the relationship you deserve" was all I wanted to hear. Instead...I don't know what she was saying, and 8 months later, it still sucks, because I have no idea why she borke up with me (I never want a list of xyz reasons why) and can only conclude she was being a coward.

[Diplok]

Breakups aren't easy no matter what happens. But, the person doing the breakup should have some respect for the dumpee. My last gf brokeup with me over the phone. I felt so disrespected. She couldn't even set some time to tell me in person 'this relationship no longer works." Instead I was let go over the phone and not given a chance to speak in person.

 

I am not a person to cause a scene. I did not want a list of reasons to argue about, all I wanted was some respect. After all, this is the same girl who made me go to her house to speak to her parents before I could start dating her.

[Izzy B]

"it's not you, it's me. I don't know who I am and need to find myself. I'm not emotionally ready to continue making you happy, as I don't know who I am, and it wouldn't be fair to take you along on my dubious and introspective journey to find the true character and being of my soul."

 

Sorry but she gave YOU closure, too. You are just making your story seem more dramatic. She just wasn't into you is your closure. Also guys ask all the time to be friends with benefits, breakup sex, etc.....so....you need to get over that, a lot of guys would see sex with an ex with no strings as a blessing.

[lilablue]

what if he doesnt reply to your email, saying are we still cool?

[oppath]

Sorry but she gave YOU closure, too. You are just making your story seem more dramatic. She just wasn't into you is your closure. Also guys ask all the time to be friends with benefits, breakup sex, etc.....so....you need to get over that, a lot of guys would see sex with an ex with no strings as a blessing.

 

Agreed I made it more dramatic and it took me time to realize it. However, those "lot of guys" you refer to are manipulative selfish *******s (if they are the dumpers). I could not treat someone I cared about that way, and I can and have enjoyed NSA sex. Having to cope with the fact that the person you loved isn't the person you thought they were is a hard door to close.

 

No-one wants to hear a list of x-y-z reasons for being dumped -- though we seem to be that masochistic when it is happening -- but the most respectful, caring thing you can do is say something along the lines of "my feelings have changed/aren't progressing and I don't feel we are right for each other. It's just not working out. There is no particular reason, it is just how I feel." No wiggle room. Not a dime of false hope.

 

We have to give ourselves closure, and to do that it is important to realize that if someone sounds dishonest, if they don't make sense, etc, it is THEIR CHARACTER FLAW for not having the courage to express how they feel. Then you need to accept they were not who you thought they were. If you can do that with appreciation without feeling "he/she just wasted the last year of my life," then you have closure.

[Trialbyfire]

We have to give ourselves closure, and to do that it is important to realize that if someone sounds dishonest, if they don't make sense, etc, it is THEIR CHARACTER FLAW for not having the courage to express how they feel.

How true is that oppath. I can't stand a soft-sell. Be straight.

[oppath]

the first thing out of someones mouth when you hurt them is honesty is always "thanks for being honest with me. While I hurt, it feels good for you to value me by telling the truth."

 

I've been hurt with honesty, and I've hurt people with honesty, and it has always been appreciated.

 

The girls I've dated who I have remained friends with were always honest with me. "I'm just not feeling it." That takes 2 weeks to get over, because I can't be mad at someone if they honestly express how they feel, if they just aren't falling in love with me. I may hurt, but I can say "thanks for valuing me." We don't get closure if we carry around anger or if we feel the relationship was fraudulent somehow. How you break up with someone goes a long ways towards those feelings in the dumpee.

[lonely_blue]

my ex gave me reasons, but then when i spoke to her again, a few weeks later, she gave me other reasons. when we first broke up she said "belive me, there's no one else", I never thought there was, until she said that. Now im certain that this is the reason, and that she was flirting with another person in office while i was working away, and was just looking for any reason to end it. it took just over month for me to get over it, and now dont think about her during the day or eveining. What we had is gone because, as one of my friends put it she thought the grass was greener.....lol. To be honest it doesnt bother me anymore. and i just thank my friends for helping me get through it.

[Reactor]

My ex said "We're just so different, we like different things etc etc" I was like ok, I was of course upset but I accepted it, I told her to think about it, then she said "But maybe in two years we could try again..." Erm? Needless to say we got back together and it all ended in tears and her picking holes in my self-esteem and us then realising her ex, ex-bf was the real issue.

 

Lovely indeed. Sometimes I think its best to just leave it, get a kind of 'shallow' closure and move on!

 

I do agree, its down to you at the end of the day, you can't rely on the other person too much. But I do think its also both parties responsiblity in a relationship to at least give their soon to be ex-partner some decent closure.

[birdie]

my ex gave me reasons, but then when i spoke to her again, a few weeks later, she gave me other reasons. when we first broke up she said "belive me, there's no one else", I never thought there was, until she said that. Now im certain that this is the reason, and that she was flirting with another person in office while i was working away, and was just looking for any reason to end it. it took just over month for me to get over it, and now dont think about her during the day or eveining. What we had is gone because, as one of my friends put it she thought the grass was greener.....lol. To be honest it doesnt bother me anymore. and i just thank my friends for helping me get through it.

 

one thing you mustn't do is to get paranoid about what people say or how they say it. maybe she really did mean that there was nobody else. hopefully it's all in perspective now

[lonely_blue]

to be honest its still playing out. but i am over it now and have moved on.