Cheating - why did you do it?

[Indulgence]

I just have a question for all of those who have ever cheated on their partner. WHY did you do it? and HOW do you feel now?

Do you have any feelings of regret? Revenge?

[steffany]

You mean cheated on someone dating or married? I would never cheat if I was married.

 

Cheating while dating is something different.

I have done it more than once. Usually it means

A) the person I'm dating is not the "one"...yet. I do like the person but not yet to the point that I'm not curious about other relationships.

B) Our relationship isn't to the point yet where I feel we are serious about one another (No ground rules made)

C) I'm not married yet why act like it

 

I don't however cheat on men I love or want to be serious with...unless I feel they are out dating and I will sooner or later be hurt or look like a fool.

 

Best thing to do is practice good communication with people you date.

[quankanne]

I'm married and haven't cheated on my husband, but imagine that I could easily fall off the wagon if the "conditions" were "right" and I didn't give a damn about what I was doing to myself.

 

I think you have to look at it from a different angle, even if at first you only think about the instant gratification you feel you're getting -- does my SO respect me enough to be committed to me (monagamous)? does he respect and appreciate me as a sexual being (or does he just want a notch on his belt)? Are we strong enough to get through those patches when sex isn't possible (pregnancy, a new baby, stress, illness, injury, etc)?

 

It's so easy to just go out for a revenge **ck, but just isn't worth it if you really and truly consider it. If your SO doesn't appreciate you, how is trashing yourself gonna make you "feel" better?

 

you ask about regret: If I were to do something completely against my better judgment and screw someone outside my marriage, hell yeah I'd regret it, because I will have trashed one of the few deep convictions I have in life.

[yes]

i was watching a TV program about cheating. some pyshc researches studied this phenomena and their studies showed that while women only cheat if they're unhappy in their r/s or marriage, men are perfectly likely to cheat even if they're happy. they explain it through different biological instincts.

 

who knows!

 

just my 2 cents,

-yes

 

PS steffany, i dont think what you described is cheating. if you're not officially "committed" - i.e. engaged, or promised not to date others, it's not cheating! in my book, that is.

 

PPS Any swingers on this forum??

[HokeyReligions]

Some years ago when my marriage was in trouble, I had the opportunity to have an affair. I was actually playing with the idea because it was so nice to be desired by someone. I hadn't felt that in years. The guy knew I was married, we'd known each other for a couple of years and were friends. We worked together. He knew my husband too. We talked about it and ultimatly I backed away because I made a vow to my husband and I wouldn't do that to him - even though my husband told me he wouldn't blame me if I did have an affair. (We hadn't had sex in many years) Still, I couldn't do it. Just the thought of the hurt it would cause - even with my husband's so-called blessing, and the guilt I would feel. No way. I backed away and so did the guy. Intellectually I can understand how someone can let their desire rule their decisions, but from the heart I don't get it. I just couldn't do it.

[Patty]

I think that the reason people cheat is cause they arent getting what they want from their marraige or partner.

 

Patty

[Onnie]

I cheated once, and I feel bad that I had to lower myself to that level to understand what I wanted out of the relationship.

 

We had been living together for about a year and I slept with a guy friend of mine. I'm glad I did it, but I'm also ashamed...but then I feel justified because I found out later he cheated on me three times. Ha! Karma!

[Leikela]

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I only cheated once in my life. It was only about 3 months ago. I started dating the guy back in October of 2002. We were very happy in the beginning and I had the opportunity to cheat when I went to New Orleans for vacation in December, but didn't because I was happy at the time.

 

Then after Christmas, things started to fall apart a little bit and I realized all the things our relationship was lacking. I was very close friends with another guy and started falling for him. To make a long story short, I cheated with my close friend.

 

No, I don't regret it because now I am with my close friend and am the happiest I have been in awhile. I do have feelings of guilt about it though because I have never been a cheater and feel ashamed that I did it. However, it helped me to realize that my relationship at the time was lacking and that my heart belonged with my friend.

 

It all worked out but I am not proud of it and will always feel bad about what I did.

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[scoobs93]

Yea I have cheated before....only once and till this day, even after our relationship has ended, regret over the incident is rife. I guess I did it because I grew curious of other people. When you're in love it's so easy to take your partner for granted.

 

 

Anthony

[Chickadee]

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I've cheated and I have mixed emotions about the whole thing. My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years and I truly love him. If I say that - then how can I cheat?

 

I've never set out to cheat. The first time I did it was actually the saving grace of my relationship. I actually saw this guy for a while, a couple of months - it was a lust thing and that was it. I realised why I was so unhappy and I actually had the courage to call of our engagement and move in temporarily with my Mum. We got back together 5 months later - we knew we would, things needed to change and the only way for that to happen was for drastic action. It gave us time to re-asses why we were unhappy.

 

My problem at the moment is that I am blissfully happy with my boyfriend. There are less arguments, when we do argue we do so without the name calling and dragging up nasty things from the past. We don't live together anymore, I now share a flat with his brother. What I realised is that above all, we're friends. This is why I am wracked with guilt at the moment. On a few nights out I've kissed one of his best friends. We've slept together once and it's very nearly happened twice since then. How can I betray am soul mate in such a horrid way?

 

When I am asked the question, why do people cheat, I have two answers:

a) It's a signal that that things in a relationship need drastic action.

b) Chemistry. I have no other explanation for my infedelity. I didn't set out to "get intimate" with my b/f's best friend but it happened. Even now, I don't want it to happen again, but there is alittle voice inside my head saying "oh yes you do!" Hopefully it's all out of my system. I know all of you will be saying - there's something wrong in my relationship with my b/f but I can honestly say there is nothing wrong, I am blissfully happy with my man and I intend it to stay that way.

[rai7]

I cheated on my boyfriend. We were together for the last 6 years. I was so very happy and then I went out into the world and I got my first job. I met people there and there were guys that were interested in me. They somehow changed my mind about my relationship and now that I look at it, I am very stupid. I can't believe how one moment I was very happy with everything and then the next I wasn't.

 

These guys insisted that my boyfriend wasn't doing a good job and should have been treating me better. I don't know why i listened. I don't know why i let myself think that there were things wrong. but there were things wrong that i didn't see because i was in love. Everyone wants to be treated like they are gold, but I hardly know any one who has a relationship like that. And coming straight out of high school and getting into the real world, everything changes. How you look at things changes, you're attitude changes, your mood changes. I am a very grumpy person now, going to college and working for it, always tired. One night a guy kissed me. I wasn't looking for it, wasn't wanting to cheat.

 

The next day i saw him i was really upset. I didn't want anything else to happen between us. And this was after he kissed me. Then he did it again. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want it to happen. But I liked the kiss. I have never been kissed like that. I think I was addicted. But I was scared at the same time. I was too weak and too nice of a person to tell him to leave me the hell alone. I should have gotten another job, but I didn't. This went on for almost a year and towards last month we just started having sex. I'm a fool.

 

WHat do you do? I look at it like I wasn't cheating because we have no real commitment, but we have time. Time that we have spent a lot with eachother. And I love him. BUt how could I if i did this? I was confused. Lost. Thought that there were things wrong. THought that he didn't care for me or love me enough. Thought that he didn't show me that he loved me. I was blinded and intruded on. I should have found some other way to sort things out. I should have told him i wanted to take a break. I should have escaped from everything influencing me so I could find out what I wanted at that point. Now I know. I am thankful for the incident that took many months to figure out. I know now that I love my boyfriend dearly and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I am conflicted over the thoughts of should I tell him or not. I have come to the conclusion that I'm not and never will. It will only break his heart and I cannot hurt him in that way. I will never CHEAT again! It's not worth it.

[Mz. Pixie]

I cheated in my first marriage. After numerous attempts to get my exhusband to work on our marriage and he wouldn't. I was lonely and given some attention and after a couple of months gave into temptation. Not proud of it. I regret the whole thing.

[Cecelius]

For me? Young and stupid (those are the same thing I think).

 

I love the people who say they wouldn't cheat on someone they love. Most girls I've been with who have cheated on a b/f use this logic: "I cheated, therefore I do not love him..."

 

In my opinion, a couple bad occurrences in youth you can get past. If I know a girl has cheated past age 25, she's patently undatable.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I just have a question for all of those who have ever cheated on their partner.

1. WHY did you do it? and

2. HOW do you feel now?

3. Do you have any feelings of regret?

4. Revenge?

 

In the past I cheated in just about every relationship I was in. Its unfortunate and I'm not proud of it, but here is the 'no holds barred' version - it won't be easy for people who have been betrayed to read, but hopefully at least someone can get something useful out of seeing it from the "bad guy" point of view ...

 

1. Because I could, I would have the opportunity, and I wanted to. The perfect way to assure myself something hot and new without the bother of having to make a relationship out of it. It was an ego boost to be objectively wanted by someone - someone who didn't want you as part of an existing relationship, but someone who wanted you in general. It was also a challenge for me - a way to be on the 'hunt' while enjoying the comfort and security of the relationship I already had. I weighed how much I thought I could get away with, along with how much I could spin the story in my favor if I got caught. Lets just say I was a chronic cheater, and I was with a lot of enablers. Did I love them? Some of them, yes - but the love I had for them had nothing to do with the very separate and compartmentalized ego needs I was having filled by OM/OW.

 

2. How do I feel now? I've grown enough in the past few years to understand and empathise from the other point of view. I have accepted that what I did in the past hurt people, and I know why it hurt, and I care now about hurting people, and don't do things that I think will lead to that. If I see someone involved with someone who is like I used to be, I try to give warning when I can. How do I know so much about cake-eating, fence-sitting heartbreakers? Because I was one. I can recognize another one a mile away, and let me tell you - they all say pretty much the same sorts of things, and its pretty easy to read between the lines when I see it.

 

3. The relationships I was in that I cheated in are long gone and over - there is nothing there to regret anymore. I don't waste my time on regret - instead I just chose to change my future actions so that there would be nothing further to get myself into that I would regret, or cause pain for another person.

 

4. Revenge? Just as there is no regret, there is no need for revenge.

[barfool]

I am ashamed to admit they I did cheat once. It made me feel awful but it really turned out to be for the best.

 

Why? Partially because it felt great to be wanted like that by a man. I was in a relationship with a man that loved me, but it feels entirely different. With the "other" man I felt like a sexy woman. With my partner I felt like a best friend.

 

That was the other problem. I was denying the fact that I was not entirely happy with my relationship and cheating made me confront all the issues I didn't want to think about. It's sad to think that that is what it took for me to leave a comfortable but unfullfilling relationship.

[Art_Critic]

Cheating while dating is something different.

 

How so .. ?

 

Isn't being in a commited relationship that you only date each other and then you cheat the exact same as doing it when you are married ??

Other than the legal aspect and vows it still goes to the core of the type of person someone is .

[elijahBailey]

In the past I cheated in just about every relationship I was in. Its unfortunate and I'm not proud of it, but here is the 'no holds barred' version - it won't be easy for people who have been betrayed to read, but hopefully at least someone can get something useful out of seeing it from the "bad guy" point of view ...

 

wow, LB, now I know why you seem to understand with deadly accuracy the psyche of people who cheat

 

I have a theory I like your opinion on. IMHO, women who are good mothers have a lower tendency to cheat. The women that I've seen cheating are usually women....

1. with no children

2. with children that are already grown-up.

3. who don't care about their kids

because in my opinion, a woman with strong maternal instincts will always put the needs of their children first, ahead of their own.

 

This is nothing personal against you, but I was curious as to what you think?

[LucreziaBorgia]

wow, LB, now I know why you seem to understand with deadly accuracy the psyche of people who cheat

 

because in my opinion, a woman with strong maternal instincts will always put the needs of their children first, ahead of their own.

 

This is nothing personal against you, but I was curious as to what you think?

 

In my case, I'd say you are on to something. My life changed dramatically when Little B came into it, as did my outlook on life in general. I honestly never knew I had it in me.

 

Can't speak for other women though. I've seen plenty of exceptions to that rule. I guess it depends on the individual.

 

Now, I will always be who I am. I will always be the person I was. What I will not do is be that way to someone else's disadvantage. My mother did that - and I will not do that to my kid.

[basscatcher]

Why did you do it?

How do you feel now?

Do you have nay feeling of regret?

Revenge?

 

Interesting!! Alright here it goes. Damn.. This could be good self analyzing theraphy.

 

Yes I cheated. I cheated on every boyfriend through out high school. The guys I dated were aloof and only contacted me when they had NOTHING else to do on their weekends..

Yes, I had an affair on my XH. We were together for 11 1/2 years. I got involved with him while I was still very much in love with my high school bf. (Infatuated Love).

*My XH had lied to me from the start of our relationship.

*He cheated on me during the first month (which I suspected but didn't have it confirmed until this last year.)

*He told me he didn't do drugs. (Which I suspected and didn't have it confirmed until I was in the middle of my divorce.)

*He was mentally, emotionally, verbally, physically, and sexually abusive.

*He was neglectful and would be always running somewhere and would leave his infant son and me at home with no knowledge of where he was going.

*He would stay out till 5-6 AM most weekends and always used the excuse he was over at his friends apt playing Nintendo (Golf). (Which he did do a lot.)

*When we would go out females would always talk to him when I wasn't near him and he seemed very friendly with them.

*I heard rumors of his infidelity but he always seemed to have an excuse and I had not way to check up on his alibi's.

 

For the most part of our relationship we only had one vehicle and having a small child, not many friends, in a rural area, and some of his associates didn't have telephones. I was stuck in a corner. I started counceling because he had me believing I was the problem and I was creating conflict in myself and that I had no reason to believe he was doing anything wrong. He even had his friends covering for him.

 

I had a co-worker who I had befriended and he listened to me and supported me strongly. I finally had someoen to talk to who understood my deliema. Non of the friends I had could understand what I was going through because they lived sheltered happy lives. They didn't understand my drama and therefore wasn't much support to me. But the co-worker understood. He himself was having marriage problems. After a year of working together we both fall into each other. The affair lasted for 6 minths. I ended it because he and his wife were pregnant and I couldn't be a part of that in any way. I told him we had to stop, that he needed to focus on his family and make things work. I told him his children needed him and he needed to be focused on them not me. I was in counceling during this time also. The guilt of the affiar tore me up inside. I felt so cheap and whorish. I couldn't beleive that I took vows in a Catholic Church and I was having an affair. I literally was getting sick because the guilt turned into some major depression and I didn't know how to get out of my darkness. The councelor I was seeing wasn't helping me much so I switched therapists and also went to my parish priest. The priest was the biggest help for me..

 

I chose to try make amends with myself and make my marriage work. All the while my XH was having affairs on me. (which I couldn't prove.) We moved to a differnt town and eventually ended up in a bigger city. That is where I walked out. He wasn't changing and I couldn't live with all the abuse. Enough was enough. One of us would kill the other if I didn't leave. I left and NEVER went back... NEVER.

 

I didn't admit my affair to my XH until 3 years ago. He busted out crying and then admitted to me a few days later he cheated on me too but he never told me all the truth. I found out from his gf that he cheated on me 7 times through out our whole relationship. He denys that he cheated on me first when we all know he did while we were living together before we were even married. He throws the affair in my face everytime we get into conflict. He hasnt' let it go.

 

Do I regret having the affair--Yes. Because it ruined my own feelings about myself and my self esteem.

 

Do I know why I had the affair--Yes. Because I was so neglected, degraded, underappreciated, abused, and felt so unloved and unlovable.

 

How do I feel now?--I think that affair was the best thing that happened because I can look back now and see I will never never never lie to myself like that again. I will not put a shade over my eyes about a man when I have a gutt instinct on him. I will follow my intuition. That experience has helped me grow and learn. I can understand others who have cheated out of abuse and neglect. I know why they did what they did. That doesnt mean I condone anyones actions; not even my own.

 

I didn't cheat or have the affair as revenge. I did it because I wanted to feel loved and accepted. I was neglected as a child; growing up. I have a deep desire to be loved and to feel loved. There has always been a hole that hasn't been fully filled. I have spent my whole life trying to fill it. I have God and my Catholic faith but I seek that man who can love me, support me, cherish me, respect me, help me, and be with me faithfully.

 

I have not cheated on any man I have been involved with seriously since my XH.. So lessons have been learned.

[basscatcher]

Whew, Counceling session's has done and gone. No more cheating for this woman!!

[glittergurl]

I'd never cheat. It's wrong. Any guy who's okay with having sex with a married woman, is not okay with me. Seriously, I love my husband and marriage isn't always perfect, but he's the one staying by my side during hard times. It would be easy to throw it all away, but it would so not be worth it.

[SueBee3490]

How so .. ?

 

Isn't being in a commited relationship that you only date each other and then you cheat the exact same as doing it when you are married ??

Other than the legal aspect and vows it still goes to the core of the type of person someone is .

 

Thank you Art for saying that! Exactly what I have said in another thread. My husband cheated on me when we were dating. As far as I know he doesn't now but I KNOW that if I would have known he was going out on me all the time we were dating, I would have dropped him. Not my type at all. I think you are right in that even though he says he isn't cheating now, his cheating while dating told me what type of person he is.

 

SueBee

[SueBee3490]

I would never cheat. If I was having problems in my marriage, I would tend to look for other ways to "solve" them. I wouldn't even consider cheating - but that's just me.

 

I've been in a bad marriage where it got so bad at the end that I really needed a man to tell me I was pretty, desired, etc. My X sure didn't. But I couldn't see cheating as a way out - I knew it would only bring more problems.

 

I know that I wouldn't do it because I've been the one cheated on and I know the heartache it causes.

[jaye]

I just have a question for all of those who have ever cheated on their partner. WHY did you do it? and HOW do you feel now?

Do you have any feelings of regret? Revenge?

i did it for a reason, i thought it'll be better for both of us. but turned out to be so painful and everytime i think about, i feel like i wanna goback and undo it.

[impuls3]

i just dont understand how people cheat on the ones they love... im a guy, i know, alot of guys cheat, and seemingly more and more girls cheat... but happy or not (looking at how miserable i am in my relationship now) i still could never bear the thought of me cheating. i can't imagine the pain i would cause for the other person... i guess it's because i have been cheated on, and i know what it's like.