Any ideas? Compicated Break.2nd Chance

[spike7165]

I have posted fragments of what is going on a couple of times but not had many responses I don’t know if due to the difficult unusual situation or my bad posts but I would really appreciate any help male or female, though female insight would be especially helpful.

 

I have been with my girlfriend/partner for 2.5 years. We met in person in Japan first of all and then had a LDR for about 1 year. I visited her regularly and she also came to see me. I then got made redundant and took the opportunity to start a business in Japan. Unfortunately this hasn’t worked out, and as I have begun to lose money I have become more depressed, sad, angry etc. in other words the man she did NOT meet and fall in love with 2.5 years ago. Additionally, she feels incredibly guilty as she feels it’s her fault I came out to Asia and the business failed. We have therefore obviously been arguing and she’s been unhappy both with me and the guilt and after a couple of tearful episodes on my part and failed attempts to try again mostly because she was waiting for me to make a mistake, even a small one I decided to agree with her and return to the UK. I should also add that her personality and nationality, she is half Brazilian and half Italian, mean that she is not a tied down, restricted kind of girl. She has a kind heart but also wants to enjoy life in a good way.

 

What is quite clear in my head is that, I need to go back to the UK to make money, but as she said to me “ You wouldn’t have done it” i.e I would have tried to stay with her and my family here and spin it out, just to scrape by every month and pay the rent. So I think part of her motivation was to push me to do something.

 

So as I said I am clear in her reasoning, that firstly I have changed and not the same guy she met and also I have been stressed, sad and got more jealous as money decreased and ironically worried about losing her. She has also felt guilty and unhappy in herself. So taking a break now and going back to make some money is the right thing to do.

 

The problem is, and this is what I would like advice on is that I am not really sure where I stand in her thoughts and future now.

 

After I agreed she was right, she has been very affectionate, nice kisses that I realised we have not had for a long time, still making love etc. She has also said how wonderful and amazing I am, as I did try hard for her and her son. She has also said she still loves me, though she said it has decreased due to the problems we have had. We went out the other night to a bar and had an argument afterwards which was actually a good thing as she was upset and saying how much she loved me and she trusted me and was upset I didn’t trust her (guy in the bar!)

 

I know I have become focussed only on her and I am not happy in myself though I do love her. Everything she has said about the way I am is true and I know I need to go back and sort myself out.

 

She said that she would wait for me and I would never lose her if I was good for her. She in fact got very upset the other night when we argued that she said she couldn’t take much more and just to calm down or I would lose her forever.

 

So in my humble opinion she is obviously feeling let down by me and has lost some love, is also feeling pressurised by having me here and under her feet at home all the time and knows I am not being true to myself by trying to scrape by here. So that’s all true and good and her motivation is fair/

 

What I am struggling with is that she seems very genuine that she wants me to succeed for both me and her so I can fulfil myself, be happy and then be happy for her and help her and she said she will come to the UK with me. But is this wishful thinking on my part?

 

I don’t want false hope, and this definitely would not be a good situation for NC. I won’t see her for a while anyway with the distance so contact will be severely reduced. She sees me as her best friend as well so hurting her by not talking to her will not work. Though she has said and I recognise as well that being on the phone for hours and hours will also not work, she won’t miss me and I will drive her crazy.

 

She seems to genuinely want me in the future, to sort myself out and she also wants her own space for a while.

 

Anyway I will stop going on, long enough if anybody has any patience. If anybody could say whether I am right to feel that she is giving me a second chance and to go for it, or whether I am just storing up a world of hurt I would appreciate it!

[Yamaha]

You know her and only you can say if she is being truthful with you. IMO, LDR/breaks do not make the heart grow fonder. You have a somewhat different situation so it might make things better but there are no guarantee's.

[spike7165]

Yes I guess you are right only I can say. Well I guess it comes down to that if she just wanted me out of her life it would have been a lot easier ways to do it, or she could have gone to stay at a friends etc. I do believe she is being truthful but I also believe she is a) sceptical I can do it and be strong and sort myself out and b) a little relieved to have some space for now.

The reasons are spot on for doing this.

We did survive a year of LDR before but this is a different situation I know. I think part of the problem is that I am a real virgo and get very attached, hurt badly, miss someone badly etc. and she is more of a laid back Brazilian chick and doesn't let much bother her. The best way to put it is that she doesn't see this as a big deal wheras I do. I guess because she thinks it is the best thing and something along the lines of .... what you worrying about, you won't lose me, it's got to be done kind of thing.

Why do we make life so complicated for ourselves!

[spike7165]

Just an update…

 

I guess I am lucky in some ways that I have got her rationally talking to me and telling me exactly what to do. Some guys don’t have the luxury and just have arguments that don’t mean a lot.

 

For instance we had to go out, I was helping her do something and then went for some food and she was saying that this was in English terms, a break, though not the words she used, a little separate, but if I stayed here with no good work to do we would finish. She also explained to me about women and a lot of what Homer McDonald says in “Stop Your Divorce” seems to be true!

 

She was saying I am too clingy basically and that I should try not being available for her all the time, on the phone if she calls and in person. She said she is strong and wants someone the same. She also said that giving her no pressure and when she wants to go out, just saying enjoy yourself rather than questioning her would go a long way.

 

She did make a joke about her being my future wife, which to me is a pretty big indication she seems me genuinely in her future if I can sort myself out and is not telling me she will wait for no reason. She also said she still does love me and will love me a lot more if I can sort myself out but if I can’t then there is no future in it.

 

So it seems like I do have a second chance albeit from a distance to prove I can change and be good for her again, and for all the other people reading this a lot of this divorce help/analysis stuff does seem to make sense.

 

I am trying to be nice, happy etc and she is not pulling away from me. I argue or put pressure and she backs off quickly. A lot of what is said about guys being too available and needy also seems to be true. She said that when a woman says she is going out, she is testing a man to see what he says. She is half expecting an argument and loads of questions so if she doesn’t get it and get’s instead, enjoy yourself, then women are very surprised and also happy. She also said about answering the phone and calling too much that it’s basically not nice when a guy is conquered and doing everything for her. She seemed to like it when we first met like a lot of ladies do, but now feels under pressure from me being too nice, available etc. Saying I am busy when she calls apparently is sometimes a good thing as it makes her think what am I up to. A little bit of mystery.

 

So I hope my small insight into what is going on when a woman is pulling away helps. I have realised that the only way to get her back, and I know I do stand a chance if I can pull it off, is to release any pressure, be a friend and be there for her but also to have a life and not be at her beck and call all the time. Friendly support with a little bit of love, not saying it every 5 minutes, I feel is what is needed and I think other guys may find this useful.

 

Please comment if you have any thoughts, maybe I am talking complete rubbish, but I was surprised to hear from her, exactly how I could change my behaviour to pull her back to me.