Can my marriage be saved?

[jigging4fish]

Can my marriage be saved?

I a looking for thoughts, insight, and honesty in asking the question I have.

I have been married for 28 years to my wonderful wife with 3 grown children and now with 2 grandchildren.

Back about a month ago my wife decided that she had enough. I came home one day and she said to me ‘I was hoping you would have called today.’, I asked why and she said ‘I wanted to talk to you about seeing a mediator.’ My response was ‘a mediator, they are for divorce?’ and she said I know.

My heart dropped. A rush of overwhelming emotion took over and it has not stopped to date.

My story is that we have had problems with our relationship over the years. Nothing real drastic but still we had problems. I know marriage is hard work and I always thought we could work through the tough times we have had. I still love my wife with all my heart but fear she is too far gone to make a go of it one last time. She feels she has told me over and over again what she needs out of me and I believe now that I did not listen and try to make things better. I call what happened to us as a downward spiral and neither of us did anything to help fix it. She thinks she did and I regret not heeding the warnings.

We have not ever gone to counseling (marriage) or done much to address our problems. We always talked (and talked) about it but she or I never made the phone call to set up and appointment to get help. I know we needed to discuss and move forwards in some of our issue. They include us, our children, her 26 years of being a daycare provider, and money. I believe they all have contributed to our possible demise.

I say this because she has now said to me that she is at least willing to go see a marriage consoler. She promises nothing and I understand her feelings. I on the other hand hope for the best for us.

Do I have a shot to save my marriage or am I living a lie? It has been tough these last 4 weeks and I am finally getting to a point to seek any advice, comments, thoughts that folks may have.

Thanks for your thoughs!

[Woggle]

Know it can't be saved and you did nothing wrong in your marriage. Don't blame yourself.

[Micke81]

Yes, it can be saved. You have to take the MC seriously. Give it your all.

[jmargel]

Look and find a qualified, licensed marriage counselor. Preferrably a woman so your wife can relate to her better. That'll only help you. Show actions, not just words this time. This is her way of giving another go at it. You are ahead of the game alot further then alot of people on here in your position. Take advantage of it.

 

Come home to your wife today and tell her you made an appointment. 28 years is a long investment to not do something to fix this.

[jmargel]

Know it can't be saved and you did nothing wrong in your marriage. Don't blame yourself.

 

Woggle stop it already. Just because your situation is soured doesn't mean every single person who comes on here ends up like yours.

[Mike1966]

Wow jigging....

 

I really feel for you. My wife of 15 years and I have now been separated for 3 months and it has been the worst time of my life. In answer to your Q..........yes, your marriage can be saved!

 

There are more experienced posters here who I hope will chime in. If she is willing to go to counseling you're better off than I was. Take that and run with it. I would urge you to seek out a Christian Counselor but that is my belief and I don't want to push it off on you. At the least, get a referral for a counselor from someone you trust.

 

As for you and your wife, if she is willing, see if she will at least sit down and talk with you about what went wrong from her prospective. If your situation has any similarity to mine, don't try to tell her what she did wrong, just LISTEN to her. This is a huge fault of men, wanting to fix everything and not just listen, which is what women want much of the time. They want you to listen and understand.............as a matter of fact, repeat that phrase in your brain "I understand"...........period. Not "I understand, but.....", just I understand. Try to understand how she feels and why she feels the way she does, whether or not you agree with it is irrelevant for now.

 

You may want to read my thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t125202/

 

for reference.

 

Each situation is different but from the sounds of things ours are pretty similar. There's another poster by the name of Confuzed who's thread you may want to read. Again, it isn't color by numbers but you will find invaluable information on how to read your wife and maybe something that can help you.

 

I wish you the best and encourage you to stay the course and not give up. I've read over and over many times about women who say "I'm done", and mean it, then the marriage is saved, so, don't lose heart.

 

In my situation, we've had a date set with a divorce attorney probably about 4 times in 3 months, then called it off again last week after a romantic weekend which was totally unexpected on both our parts.

 

One thing I've realized through this is that you will need to develop the strength to be okay even if it doesn't work out. This is probably something you don't want to hear at this point but nonetheless you have to be strong enough to make it on your own and enjoy your life. It's not something I want for myself, or for you, but we cannot control what other people decide so it can become our reality. My peace has come through my faith in God and that he will take care of me no matter what.

 

Best of luck to you and keep us posted here.

[Woggle]

Woggle stop it already. Just because your situation is soured doesn't mean every single person who comes on here ends up like yours.

 

I am just telling him reality. Once a woman gets thoughts of divorce in her head they never leave ever. They may stay dormant but they will always come abck. If a woman wants out just rip the bandaid off as fast as you can and get a divorce because that is where things are headed. Him trying to work on this marriage is just prolonging the pain.

[Mike1966]

I am just telling him reality. Once a woman gets thoughts of divorce in her head they never leave ever. They may stay dormant but they will always come abck. If a woman wants out just rip the bandaid off as fast as you can and get a divorce because that is where things are headed. Him trying to work on this marriage is just prolonging the pain.

 

How can you say this when many marriages where the wife wants out end up being saved? I'm not saying all of them work out but many do. No way to predict the future, my friend. He and his wife have 28 years together...............people can and do change for the better and learn as they go through life. Nothing is set in stone.

[Woggle]

How can you say this when many marriages where the wife wants out end up being saved? I'm not saying all of them work out but many do. No way to predict the future, my friend. He and his wife have 28 years together...............people can and do change for the better and learn as they go through life. Nothing is set in stone.

 

9 times out of 10 these marriages can't be saved and if they are it is only for the moment. Once a woman wants out let her out and don't look back. Guys are so frigging naive when it comes to this.

[jigging4fish]

Mike1966, thanks for your reply. I have read your post and it hits very close to home. You have a nice way with words in written form that I wish I would have.

 

There is so much going on in my head that I find it hard to express. I appreceiate the kind words you all (except woggle) have said so quickly. I try to understand and take with a grain of salt whatever is said. I think I know what the outcome can be, good or bad, and I am just trying to cope and live my life one day at a time.

 

I am looking for a christian base marriage consoler as we both have this beleif. I hope for the best but understand that that may not occur.

 

My sons friend gave him a book to give to my wife. It was the Five Love Languages from Gary Chapman. She did not understand at first why he gave it to her. I took the book and read it cover to cover. It made alot a sence to me and I am re-reading it again. My wife started to take the time to read it but stopped for days. She picked it up agian and did finish it. We dicussed what we thought the author was saying and tryed to say what our love languages where. We both relized that we did not speak to each other in the love language that actually spoke to the other person.

 

I know this is only part of our issues but I feel it is at least a beginning for better understanding about what happened to us and maybe, just maybe, a second chance for us.

 

Thanks again for your thoughts.

[Mike1966]

You may not realize the fact that your wife even agreed to read the book is HUGE, in my opinion, anyway. My wife was only looking to get out with no gurantees of a future. The fact that you and your wife are talking is a positive. You're still together, correct? I know the book you speak of and it is a great book for helping to understand each other's needs.

 

I encourage you to be the one to take action. Find out what has been missing for your wife all these years. Marriage is selfless and is about meeting each other's needs. People that have the attitude "I am what I am and can't/won't/don't want to change are just being selfish. There is joy in lovingly serving your mate.

 

Do what you have to do to find a counselor. Since your wife is willing to go with you consider it a blessing and take advantage of it.................get an appointment ASAP.

 

Best of luck.

[confuzd]

Can my marriage be saved?

 

Yes, if you really want it too.

 

If you relate to mike's story then follow him closely, he will lead you in the right direction because he is positive, and is focused, and I truly believe his marriage will be restored. Never let doubt creep into your head.

 

Marriages can be saved, and can be better than they ever were, sometimes we need a wake up call to get us back on track.

 

as mike said the signs are clear that you still have a chance, she would not be considering MC if she was so sure she was done with you.

 

the five love language is a great book, but I would not really try to get her to read it, just read and practice the principles yourself. You will see that when you change it will then slowly but eventually cause a change in her.

 

I would recommend you read a book called divorce rescue, it is probably one of the best books I've read on the topic of saving a marriage when only one person wants too.

 

hang in there, and keep posting

 

confuzd.