Is it just me, Do I have a warped idea of relationships?

[insanelyjelous]

Hi all

 

so after two years of posting here, I have come to the conclusion that I must have a very warped idea of relationships...

 

I think that when your in a relationship you shouldn't really flirt and definitely not sexually with anyone other then your SO.

 

Friends (especially female ones if your male and vice versa) should not invite you out without inviting your SO if you are in a long term relationship.And if they do you should let them know that you will be inviting your SO.

 

You should have no need to hide or omit meetings with friends or otherwise.

 

Your SO should be the person that your share your deepest innermost feelings with.

 

so could anyone help me out here are the things i've listed wrong are they asking too much of your SO is there more that I should be asking and if your SO is not doing these things is it time to hit the road?

 

And another question if your SO recieved a b day card from a female friend who he has known for a while which she kissed and sprayed perfume on would you be upset? this is the first card in at least four years from her.

[justice]

Hi all

 

so after two years of posting here, I have come to the conclusion that I must have a very warped idea of relationships...

 

I think that when your in a relationship you shouldn't really flirt and definitely not sexually with anyone other then your SO.

I very much am in agreement with this statement.

 

Friends (especially female ones if your male and vice versa) should not invite you out without inviting your SO if you are in a long term relationship.And if they do you should let them know that you will be inviting your SO.

This one as well.

You should have no need to hide or omit meetings with friends or otherwise. No lie is ever acceptable, this one is right on too.

 

Your SO should be the person that your share your deepest innermost feelings with. Ok this one I like too.

 

so could anyone help me out here are the things i've listed wrong are they asking too much of your SO is there more that I should be asking and if your SO is not doing these things is it time to hit the road? How long has this kind of behavior been going on? It really isn't a good feeling to be on the recieveing end of this kind of treatment.

 

And another question if your SO recieved a b day card from a female friend who he has known for a while which she kissed and sprayed perfume on would you be upset? this is the first card in at least four years from her.

I'd be pissed beyond belief.

 

I don't think you are warped or unreasonable.

You have a right to respect.

[oppath]

I think that when your in a relationship you shouldn't really flirt and definitely not sexually with anyone other then your SO.

 

Agreed, though friendliness and flirtation are sometimes difficult to differentiate.

 

Friends (especially female ones if your male and vice versa) should not invite you out without inviting your SO if you are in a long term relationship.And if they do you should let them know that you will be inviting your SO. You should have no need to hide or omit meetings with friends or otherwise.

 

Yes and no. Once a relationship is exclusive, you should be meeting all your SO's friends regularly. I feel it is ok to have opposite sex friends, and good ones, but obviously, you need to meet them. My rule is every 2-3 times my gf goes out with friends, I should be invited too, and I should always feel free to say "I'm not doing anything tonight, can I come too?" Guy friends she hangs out with 1-on-1, yes, I should meet them. If I know them, I can potentially trust them and it is not an issue.

 

If I am kept hidden from friends, like I was in my last relationship, that is incredibly disrespectful. Full disclosure. And if someone lies about who they hung out with, that is a big problem.

 

Your SO should be the person that your share your deepest innermost feelings with.

Yes. Of course you will seek advice from friends when having a rough spot in your relationship, but ultimately you should be discussing those feelings with your SO and sharing them, so you can have a dialog about your problems and create solutions together instead of unilaterally.

 

so could anyone help me out here are the things i've listed wrong are they asking too much of your SO is there more that I should be asking and if your SO is not doing these things is it time to hit the road?

You are speaking generically, so perhaps you could share some specifics before we tell you to hit the road.

 

And another question if your SO recieved a b day card from a female friend who he has known for a while which she kissed and sprayed perfume on would you be upset? this is the first card in at least four years from her.

Not sure. Depends on all of the above and if this person is aware of your relationship. She could just be being sweet. I kiss many of my females FRIENDS on the cheek on special days.

[LakesideDream]

Birthday Card.... that's a bit complicated. Is/Was your your SO in contact with this woman lately, or even over the past few years? If so I'd see the card as a reason to become more aware of what's going on.

 

If you are confident that your SO has not been in contact with the woman, I'd put it aside and ignore it completely. Obviously with no contact the responsibility for the card rests soley on the sender. There is no reasonfor your SO to share or be responsible for the unexpected acts of another individual.

[insanelyjelous]

Thank you for your input so far,

 

I'l try and elaborate, My SO has been in contact with this female for the last month or so, I asked him how he knew her and he said he met her years ago before we got together which was fine but they seem to be messaging each other a lot where as before as far as I know they rarely spoke to each other.

I know he has met up with her on quite a few occassions recently ( he hasn't told me this but he never tells me when he's meeting up with other girls either, he doesn't think he should have to) and they have been messaging back and forth on the devils spawn(myspace), he even posted some pics of them together saying how good they looked ( he doesn't know that I know)

I don't know if she knows of me but I know she knows that he's just had a baby so obviously I must be close by, whether she chooses to acknowledge me or not.

She has invited him to her birthday do, but he has not mentioned to me that he plans to go although he has told her he is coming. I guess I'm not invited but then again I never am, he refuses to take me to clubs with him he says he will feel like I'm watching him all night and he won't enjoy himself. I do feel like he is hiding me from his world, I can honestly say I can count on one hand the amount of female friends of his I have met.

 

The thing is that if it ain't her it will be someone else, he has many female friends, I don't think I can take much more, he's always flirting (online for the world to see) with someone but since we got engaged that person is never me....

I know he keeps things from me, he doesn't outright lie but he will omit details of going out for lunch or otherwise, I question myself almost everyday as to why I am still here, I know I love him, and part of me keeps hoping that he'll change that he won't feel the need to have his ego massaged, that I will be enough for him, that he won't be so damn insensitive and selfish and I won't be so bloody weak...............

 

We talk but the conversations are few and far between, not from lack of trying on my part.

I find it so difficult to talk to him because on other occassions he has made me feel like my opinion is not important or valid, that i'm being insecure or that I don't trust him.

 

I'm willing Saturday to come so he can tell me that he's going and I can tell him that either I'm coming with him or I won't be there when he gets back, I want to tell him that he can't do this to me anymore that I won't stand for it, but I know i'l probably chicken out at the last minute (I will try not to). I feel like this is the only way he will take me seriously, but then again he'll probably end up resenting me and making it about my insecurities.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

Thank you for your input so far,

 

I'l try and elaborate, My SO has been in contact with this female for the last month or so, I asked him how he knew her and he said he met her years ago before we got together which was fine but they seem to be messaging each other a lot where as before as far as I know they rarely spoke to each other.

I know he has met up with her on quite a few occassions recently ( he hasn't told me this but he never tells me when he's meeting up with other girls either, he doesn't think he should have to) and they have been messaging back and forth on the devils spawn(myspace), he even posted some pics of them together saying how good they looked ( he doesn't know that I know)

I don't know if she knows of me but I know she knows that he's just had a baby so obviously I must be close by, whether she chooses to acknowledge me or not.

She has invited him to her birthday do, but he has not mentioned to me that he plans to go although he has told her he is coming. I guess I'm not invited but then again I never am, he refuses to take me to clubs with him he says he will feel like I'm watching him all night and he won't enjoy himself.

The thing is that if it ain't her it will be someone else, he has many female friends, I don't think I can take much more, he's always flirting (online for the world to see) with someone but since we got engaged that person is never me....

I know he keeps things from me and I question myself almost everyday as to why I am still here, I know I love him, and part of me keeps hoping that he'll change that he won't feel the need to have his ego massaged, that I will be enough for him, that he won't be so damn insensitive and selfish and I won't be so bloody weak...............

 

We talk but the conversations are few and far between, not from lack of trying on my part.

I find it so difficult to talk to him because on other occassions he has made me feel like my opinion is not important or valid, that i'm being insecure or that I don't trust him.

 

 

read the bold stuff to yourself again. then leave.

 

he knows you would be watching him all night anywhere he goes because he knows he needs to be watched, and he knows he wants to do things that you should not see.

 

this is a bad guy.

[insanelyjelous]

unfortunately leaving right now is not an option, sure I could disappear for a week or so but we own the flat together, we've just had a baby and i'm not working at the moment and aside that I really do love him and I guess my love for him is unconditional.

I want to try and work this out with him, I don't want to break up our family. and I know that most people will say that I am stupid, naive, and all the rest of it (I probably would if were reading this)

Leaving really is my last resort as I have nowhere to go.

 

I don't know what else to do.....

[Enema]

Unconditional love is stupid.

 

You're giving him a license to be single but have you as a backup when he gets bored of partying and needs to recoup energy.

 

He either has, is or will cheat on you... possibly all three.

 

Regardless of your flat situation, you should move out. It really is a shame you had the mans baby.

[vivi]

I'm sorry you are going through this. This man is not treating you right; this is emotional abuse. Do you have family who can help you? And why should you leave? Can't you put him out? Leaving will not be easier with time, it will be harder. And think of the example you both will set for your child. You are fooling yourself to think that if you just love him enough, are understanding enough, don't make waves...that he will change and suddenly realize your value. That only enables his behavior. You don't want to break up your family....but your family is already broken. Do you think he is ready to be a father? It doesn't sound like it.

[curiousnycgirl]

Wow - when I read your first post above, I almost entirely disagreed with you! I often go out with male friends, who either have never met my b/f or have specifically excluded him. My b/f does the same. However we tell eachother about it - we certainly don't hide it!!!!! As far as the b-day card is concerned, it could be the woman's problem, not his.

 

However having read your second post - I am in total agreement with everyone else's input. This man is not treating you right - and you need to leave.

 

Not inviting you to clubs because he can't enjoy himself? Why what is he doing that he can't do with you?! (or with you watching?)

 

You say if it is not this one woman, it will be someone else. Why are you engaged to a man that you cannot trust to be faithful? You deserve better.

 

Your child deserves a happy loving home, with two parents who show respect for eachother. The next best is a single parent who has self respect and pride. It is not fair to plan to raise a child with a man who shows you nothing but disrespect and such disregard.

 

Get out for your sake and your baby's sake - you both deserve better. Get yourself a lawyer, get the flat sold, and use the proceeds to move on with your life.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this - but it is far better now than after the wedding and after several more years have gone by.

[insanelyjelous]

Hi all

 

Thanks again, I think seeing what I had written bought a few home truths to light and has made me realise that I deserve far better.

What I would like to know is if there are any people out there who have managed to work through a similar situation, perhaps with counselling.

and if they have any success stories?

Leaving a 4 year relationship is so much easier said then done but I guess that if he is confronted with this and still does not want to change then I know I have to do it for the sake of my children I don't want them to grow up with a warped idea of relationships and what they should be.

Even now as I'm writing this I can hear my mum's words "but at least he doesn't hit me" thats what she always used to say while my dad was out cheating on her and it looks like i've become the victim in the same circle.

 

God I feel like a weights been lifted.

 

thank you all I'l keep you updated.