confuseddd Posted September 6, 2007 Share Posted September 6, 2007 Even when we were dating, he had anger issues and I just ignored it. Now after 10 years of marriage, I just don't know if I can take it any more! He never *calls* me stupid or anything like some others have described, but he talks to me in such an ugly tone of voice and says something so sarcastic, ALL THE TIME! It's like I can never make him happy. We don't have children ( I don't know if I want kids with him so he can be mean and cruel to them) but he will complain about the dogs like they are disobeying him on purpose. THEY ARE DOGS! Not kids. I'm to the point now that I WANT him to go hunting or fishing or better yet, take a weekend trip! I used to get upset if he went on a trip, now he won't go for ANYTHING! I cherish the time at home when he is not there. There is no one to turn the channel, never mind I was watching something or for him to sit around and complain about my housekeeping or lack of cooking (Iteach school so I am TIRED when I come home) HE just acts miserble. He just gets bent out of shape over stupid stuff all the time and I am just so worn down...I realize I haven't really given any details much, but this is the way I feel around him. It's his attitude/demeanor. I mean, if I WANT my husband to go somewhere, isn't that bad? I am to the point now where I have a crush on my single neighbor. He lives down the road and has been kind to me when I needed it (got me out of the ditch in the middle of a storm), etc...just a nice person. I know this is not the answer and I'm not going down that road, but just to think about him and his kindness is an oasis to how I am feeling. I realize that that is just a distraction to my real unhappiness. I know he would never go there anyway, he has had plenty of opportunity. Anyway, just don't know what to do...any comments? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 7, 2007 Share Posted September 7, 2007 I know this is not the answer and I'm not going down that road, but just to think about him and his kindness is an oasis to how I am feeling. I realize that that is just a distraction to my real unhappiness. I know he would never go there anyway, he has had plenty of opportunity. Stay away from the neighbour.... You need to talk to your husband, tell him how you are feeling and either go to marriage counselling or think about separating. To live as you are now, hoping your husband goes away on weekends and be happier when he isn't around is a sign of how unhappy you are with him. Have you told him how it makes you feel when he talks to you that way? If so, what does he say? Link to post Share on other sites
Author confuseddd Posted September 9, 2007 Author Share Posted September 9, 2007 Yes, I have told him how it hurts the way he talks to me. He just blows it off and says I need to be more thick skinned! GEEZ! He blows up and complains about having to "sugar coat" things for me. That just pisses me off when he says that. I am not asking for sugar coating, I am only asking that he be DECENT in the way he talks to me. I have asked him about counseling, he says he will go but that his schedule would make that difficult. Here lately, I just snap back at him and tell him that he is talking like crap again. I have been calling his hand at it every time too, so he has SURELY got to sit up and take notice. I don't know...sometimes it is just easier to float along and not make waves and then other times I am raging mad about it. Thanks for your reply. The neighbor thing has cooled off some anyway...the grass is NEVER greener on the other side. Link to post Share on other sites
popey Posted September 9, 2007 Share Posted September 9, 2007 give him all the information necessary to call and make an appointment that he can keep with a counselor. sounds like it may help for him to hear from an unbiased outsider that when the love of your life says you are hurting her, "be more thick skinned" is a selfish and lazy response. Link to post Share on other sites
sfsassy Posted September 13, 2007 Share Posted September 13, 2007 give him all the information necessary to call and make an appointment that he can keep with a counselor. sounds like it may help for him to hear from an unbiased outsider that when the love of your life says you are hurting her, "be more thick skinned" is a selfish and lazy response. Thia is good advice. However, I think you need to do more. When I was with one of my exes, he was dealing with issues. (though not abusive.) It was tearing me apart, so I gave him three months to stat getting help, or for my own sanity, I was going to break up with him. (and I was very cear with him on this) The time came amd went with no progress, and we parted. One of the hardest decisions I ever made, but I deserved to be happy. I also think you both will need individual and marriage counseling. One of my other exes told me I should be thick skinned as well, and he was sutly abusive. VERY sarcastic. He broke up with me, and it's only een recently I have realized he was abusive. Verbal abuse is hard to put your finger on, unless people are yelling. I really, really think there needs to be much, much more education on this, I see commercials with people either raging, calling people names, or physical violence, but not so much this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confuseddd Posted September 14, 2007 Author Share Posted September 14, 2007 Thia is good advice. However, I think you need to do more. One of my other exes told me I should be thick skinned as well, and he was subtly abusive. VERY sarcastic. He broke up with me, and it's only een recently I have realized he was abusive. Verbal abuse is hard to put your finger on, unless people are yelling. I really, really think there needs to be much, much more education on this, I see commercials with people either raging, calling people names, or physical violence, but not so much this. Yes, my hubby is VERY sarcastic too.. it gets so old...I can tell when it is gonna be one of those nights. I too think this needs more public attention. THat's partly why I wanted to post this to see what others thought. I KNOW what I think!!! I still have my crush on my neighbor:love:, but it has cooled down a lot. Hubby has been attentive lately, it's almost like he knows! It makes me feel good when he puts some effort into our relationship and thinks ahead about things.... Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted September 18, 2007 Share Posted September 18, 2007 Don't have kids with him. He needs some help first. Anger management would be a good place to start and you both should seek marraige counseling too. If he wont go, you still should. Having kids will more than likely NOT change him into not being hateful or sarcastic, if anything it would make him worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Oseeker Posted September 18, 2007 Share Posted September 18, 2007 This sounds like a bad situation and its wierd that I just logged on to write a very similar post and I found yours. My BF I have been with for 1 1/2 years now, and I always noticed he got angry easily, drank alot of beer (functioning alcoholic) and was very sarcastic when we have arguements. He puts words in my mouth, and says that i am sleeping with the neighbors, using him for his money (cause that's what his ex did) and that I'm a liar. He says it's because i was talking to a guy at a party, or I said something bad to him, so I must not be happy, therfore I must be using him....! I just feel so lost. I want to be with him, because he is a good guy, nad we agree on so many other things, and just because he has issues, I dont want to break up, but I have had enough. I am tired of my self esteem being eroded slowly because he thinks a certain way about me. I dont feel like he even wants to truly hear my words. That i symbolize everything he hated about the other women that have cheated on him or used him. I think tough love in this situation will not do it. You need to get out and regain yourself, and he needs to deal with his controlling, abusive issues and get therapy! Usually having kids does not make things better. It will only make you more dependent, and that's exactly what a controller wants! You should Google abusive boyfriends and read what they have to say. I wish you luck, and I feel stronger just writing this post. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confuseddd Posted September 19, 2007 Author Share Posted September 19, 2007 Good, I am glad you feel helped by reading and writing this all out! My hubby doesn't sound as bad as yours though : ( Don't mean that in a bad way! My hubby can't blame alcohol! He does his crap COLD SOBBER! LOL! I hope you get the help you need to do what is right for you. You deserve it. Well, gotta run...keep us posted! Link to post Share on other sites
woodsfield Posted September 19, 2007 Share Posted September 19, 2007 he sounds like a more extreme - older me... my wife told me that it was very hurtful, things that i've said...my dad did it to me, relentless bitching and whatnot....my dad only stopped when i ran away for a day or so and he saw how hurtful it is. when my wife told me, i realized that i was doing to her what my oldman had been doing to me and that is all it took for me to realize how much i was hurting her and our marriage. so i've been on both sides of this and feel that this is a "mild" form of verbal abuse. but anything mild for years becomes very HARSH and it is definetly gotten out of hand. until he realizes (and cares) that he is hurting you so, it will continue. i wish you the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Illicit Angel Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 It's great his making the effort you deserve now If it gets bad again then i would agree with talking to him, let him know how unhappy you are. Counselling could be option but be careful how you approach the subject. He might think your over-reacting. He might not be able to see how his behaviour affects you. He probably thinks it's a normal way to conduct himself. But you need to realise that your feelings count and you don't deserve to feel so unhappy at home. I had a partner that was extremly intimidating and sarcastic, but i never saw it untill a year after i left him, it got so bad i couldn't stand the sound of his voice whenever he spoke to me, even when he was being nice! I worked it out in the end... Link to post Share on other sites
outofdarkness Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 Don't have kids with him. He needs some help first. Anger management would be a good place to start and you both should seek marraige counseling too. If he wont go, you still should. Having kids will more than likely NOT change him into not being hateful or sarcastic, if anything it would make him worse. This is soooo true..In my book, you have already seen some pretty alarming "red flags" regarding his potential behavior as a parent...He needs to nip this in the bud NOW before you all go any further...It has to be consistent too, not just go a few times and fall right back into the same old routine..You can't change him, but you CAN set boundries and issue ulitimatums..If he really wants the help, give him all of of the necessary phone #'s, etc. and see what he does..You can't and should not do it for him...If he takes the ball and runs with it, it's a GREAT sign of things to come..Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 Even when we were dating, he had anger issues and I just ignored it. Now after 10 years of marriage, I just don't know if I can take it any more! He never *calls* me stupid or anything like some others have described, but he talks to me in such an ugly tone of voice and says something so sarcastic, ALL THE TIME! It's like I can never make him happy. We don't have children ( I don't know if I want kids with him so he can be mean and cruel to them) but he will complain about the dogs like they are disobeying him on purpose. THEY ARE DOGS! Not kids. I'm to the point now that I WANT him to go hunting or fishing or better yet, take a weekend trip! I used to get upset if he went on a trip, now he won't go for ANYTHING! I cherish the time at home when he is not there. There is no one to turn the channel, never mind I was watching something or for him to sit around and complain about my housekeeping or lack of cooking (Iteach school so I am TIRED when I come home) HE just acts miserble. He just gets bent out of shape over stupid stuff all the time and I am just so worn down...I realize I haven't really given any details much, but this is the way I feel around him. It's his attitude/demeanor. I mean, if I WANT my husband to go somewhere, isn't that bad? I am to the point now where I have a crush on my single neighbor. He lives down the road and has been kind to me when I needed it (got me out of the ditch in the middle of a storm), etc...just a nice person. I know this is not the answer and I'm not going down that road, but just to think about him and his kindness is an oasis to how I am feeling. I realize that that is just a distraction to my real unhappiness. I know he would never go there anyway, he has had plenty of opportunity. Anyway, just don't know what to do...any comments? Hi, Being a woman who has been abused verbally I would say you need to get OUT now! I did not listen to the advice of so many and went on to have three children with a man that put's me down on a daily basis! I live in a great neighboorhood for my children and have lot's of great material thing's. The sad part is I pay for all those by being abused! The man you are with is very Ill! He need's serious help!! AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
XxBacktoBlackXx Posted September 21, 2007 Share Posted September 21, 2007 I also suggest getting out now. This is doing so much damage to your self esteem...damage that you will not even realize until after you get out of the situation...then you will feel so lost because you realize just how many pieces you have to pick up in your life... Link to post Share on other sites
MoonGirl Posted October 2, 2007 Share Posted October 2, 2007 Hi, Being a woman who has been abused verbally I would say you need to get OUT now! I did not listen to the advice of so many and went on to have three children with a man that put's me down on a daily basis! I live in a great neighboorhood for my children and have lot's of great material thing's. The sad part is I pay for all those by being abused! The man you are with is very Ill! He need's serious help!! AP:) I agree completely with this poster. I, too, missed many warning signs and went on to have 2 children with a verbal abuser (who later also became a "mild" physical abuser). Once we had kids the verbal abuse got much worse because my husband felt as though I was trapped because of the kids. I think the addition of children also put a lot of stress on him. Time did not make me tougher skinned, and he refused to get help. I always think if I didn't have children with him, my life would have been completely mine to live as I wished. But now I am forever stuck with him in my life because of the children. Get out now while you can. There are many nice, non-abusive men in the world. And I would simply rather be alone than be abused. Link to post Share on other sites
And its just Alice Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 I think you should have left this guy as soon as he started being this way.No man should treat someone this way and it does no good for you self asteem. Link to post Share on other sites
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