on spicing up our sex life

[sevensisters]

Hi everyone, I am seeking some help and advice. My wife and I have been together for 20 years, both of us have been married before and we probably have a normal, whatever that is, sex life intercourse or mutual masturbation a couple of times a week. My wife is almost 11 years younger than me but I find that I always have to make the first move and it is very routine. We used to indulge in occasional risky behavious outdoors or in quiet public places but she says she is far to sensible now to do that. We have a great time together but I am concerned that I am starting to have thoughts about finding someone else to spark up my sex life. My wife would never refuse me sex and always enjoys it, says she is happy and although we have spoken about my wanting to spice things up nothing changes. We do holidays, romantic meals, etc but does anyone, particularly the ladies out their, have some new and inovative advice which may just do the trick for us both.

[tommyr]

Having read thousands of posts on various websites, I have come to the conclusion that some people gradually lose their interest in sex. This seems impossible to me because my own sex drive stays the same (maybe even increasing!).

 

Yet it does make sense. People lose interest in many things which were once important.. sports, certain friends, TV, hobbies, whatever. Why should sex be any different? Sure there are animal instincts behind our sex drive but everybody is wired differently and things change with age.

 

You say your own sex drive is very much intact, and that your W is a willing (and interested) partner several times per week once you initiate. JUST BE GRATEFUL!!. You are actually a VERY VERY lucky dude. There are millions of men/women with low libido partners who think sex is for christmas and holidays only, or they use sex for power in the relationship.

 

Not saying you should stop trying new spicy things but please do not let that overshadow the basic fact you have a great thing already going. Don't blow it reaching for something more.

[MakeLoveNoWar]

I must agree with most of tommy's words,

 

You certainly have a partner, real partner for sex,

But,

My advice for you is to look at your own life, and see if you would like to take some risky actions which you don't take?

Is there or are they any changes you want to make but you don't?

 

Don't get me wrong, I do beleive in great sex with lots of passion,

 

Cheers

[Mr. Lucky]

Hi everyone, I am seeking some help and advice. My wife and I have been together for 20 years, both of us have been married before and we probably have a normal, whatever that is, sex life intercourse or mutual masturbation a couple of times a week. My wife is almost 11 years younger than me but I find that I always have to make the first move and it is very routine. We used to indulge in occasional risky behavious outdoors or in quiet public places but she says she is far to sensible now to do that. We have a great time together but I am concerned that I am starting to have thoughts about finding someone else to spark up my sex life. My wife would never refuse me sex and always enjoys it, says she is happy and although we have spoken about my wanting to spice things up nothing changes. We do holidays, romantic meals, etc but does anyone, particularly the ladies out their, have some new and inovative advice which may just do the trick for us both.

Do you do any role playing? Sex toys? Make-your-own porn? The latter might especially satisfy your need for risk and exposure. I'm afraid I'm with your wife on the "sex in public places" issue - too many weirdos (and cops!) out there...

 

Mr. Lucky

[keet]

Hi everyone, I am seeking some help and advice. My wife and I have been together for 20 years, both of us have been married before and we probably have a normal, whatever that is, sex life intercourse or mutual masturbation a couple of times a week. My wife is almost 11 years younger than me but I find that I always have to make the first move and it is very routine. We used to indulge in occasional risky behavious outdoors or in quiet public places but she says she is far to sensible now to do that. We have a great time together but I am concerned that I am starting to have thoughts about finding someone else to spark up my sex life. My wife would never refuse me sex and always enjoys it, says she is happy and although we have spoken about my wanting to spice things up nothing changes. We do holidays, romantic meals, etc but does anyone, particularly the ladies out their, have some new and inovative advice which may just do the trick for us both.

 

First of all, you should be grateful that she doesn't ignore your initiation.

 

I've been a women who had two kids and so exhausted with bringing up kids and running three businesses so I know what it's like to not have the libido. My kids are growing now (4 and 5), I've rid of one of my businesses, and now since some pressure is up, my libido is back.

 

A relationship does get in the comfortable stage and I was in the comfortable stage for awhile. But I decided to end it and bring the spark back.

 

Two people often don't have the same libido at times but as long as she is not ignoring your advances, consider yourself lucky. Why would you stray?

 

Be a bit more romantic, complimentary, etc. Set the mood. Sometimes too, just being with each other cuddling without the thought of sex being the end result is nice. Perhaps your wife may think that everytime you kiss her, cuddle with her, etc. she thinks that sex is all you want. Be affectionate without the thought of sex as an end result.

 

When you do have sex, do more foreplay. Focus more on her needs because when a women's needs are fulfilled they will be more willing to fulfill yours.

[babydoll6]

Have you tried just finding an idea that wouldn't be to extreme and just initiating it one evening...Meaning, maybe a role playing scene some how..Just start it off and see what her reaction is..

 

I don't think there is anything worng with wanting to fulfill your fantasies...Maybe sit down with her an ask her if she has any fantasies that she would either like to try or at least share with you...Fantasies are a good thing for everyone to have...

[sevensisters]

Thanks to everyone for their replies and advice the vast majority of which, if not all, I or we have tried. We have a small pornography collection which we watch occasionally and when watching we both get very turned on and have great sex during or after, but my wife never suggests putting it on. We have used the camera in the bedroom and I know all her fantasies, hence the outdoor and risky sex of years gone by. We have 2 or three sex toys which I have bought as naughty christmas presents over the years, which again my wife would never dream of getting out of the cupboard and introducing them during sex, even though the 'Rabbit' vibrator that we have makes her go wild. Foreplay is never rushed and the build up to sex can last a whole day starting with a champagne cocktail, lunch and a few wines and acting like love struck teenagers, in private and in public. Role play does not interest her as she feels to self concious, although I would be interested, but she does like me to use my imagination and talk to her when we are having sex. She loves me talking about one or more other men watching or getting involved (although she would never go through with) but she has never resiprocated as once again she says she feels uncomfortable as she has no imagination.

I know that there will be many reading this who will think that I should not complain, and I understand that, but sexually I need more. I have discussed this with my wife and she understands, following which whe will be more adventurous once - and then its back to the routine. As an example, I really enjoy anal stimulation and one of our toys is an anal vibrator but she has only anally penetrated me twice since I bought it 5 years ago. I suggested massage oil and asked her to see if she could find some she liked - nothing. My wife is only 42 years old, does not work, she has a great social life with a wide group of friends, we live in a wonderful house with a private swimming pool and love each other very much BUT I do not feel sexually satisfied which is my real dilemma, hence the question what can I do to get my wife more interested and get the spice back into what is now a routine in the bedroom.

[tommyr]

No offense intended but I must ask: do you often watch porn alone? Could those fantasies be negatively affecting your enjoyment and expectations of RealLife sex?

[sevensisters]

No offense intended but I must ask: do you often watch porn alone? Could those fantasies be negatively affecting your enjoyment and expectations of RealLife sex?

 

No problem answering the question. Ocassionally I will watch and masturbate alone when I am seperated from my wife due to my travelling with work or if she is absent visiting family overseas, but this is rare. I do travel considerably but prefer to use my imagination & fantasy when relieving myself.

[Mr. Lucky]

I know that there will be many reading this who will think that I should not complain, and I understand that, but sexually I need more.

Have you thought that maybe you need to come to terms with the fact that you want an ideal (maybe, in this context, fantasy is the better word) that doesn't exist? My wife is a great cook - anything from Beef Stroganoff to Grand Marnier Soufflee - but there are occasional dinner stretches of McD's and Kraft Mac and Cheese. It's just part of life.

 

Your wife sounds wonderfully adventurous, enthusiastic and willing. Don't look a good wife in the mouth (or any other orifice ).

 

Mr. Lucky

[DazedandConfused66]

I've been married for 20 years, same wife, 3 kids, wonderful relationship. She's going thru difficult health issues right now (cancer) but amazingly, our sex life is actually just fine.

 

Like your story, there was a period in our lives when my wife would accept my advances but would never initiate sex or do anything "out of the ordinary." If I wanted something, I'd have to take the initiative to start it. She'd go along with it, but if I didn't come up with the ideas, we'd be doing the standard mish stuff and that was about it.

 

At about the 15 year mark, I started to become tempted to stray thru the advances of a few different women I knew professionally. Each one got progressively further until I realized that I was about to make the BIGGEST mistake of my life. I didn't talk to my wife about it at the time (have since), but I DID realize that what I was feeling for these other women could be found in my wife if I would just swallow some of my ego and pride and learn to be more assertive in our own relationship.

 

Lo and behold, I discovered something about my wife of 15 years that to this day has floored me. Guess what? Now this is a lil secret just between you and I so don't tell anyone else, mmmkay? She felt sexually unfulfilled with our relationship, also!

 

ZOMG, big shocker there, huh? I mean I thought only I could be unsatisfied in HER, not the other way around.

 

Men and our foolish ego's, eh?

 

So what we did was to learn some things about one another. I worked like a madman, was hardly ever home, never really helped out much around the house, yada yada yada. She was exhausted most of the time. In addition, my "spunky moments" were like from 10:30P onwards, far after she was ready to retire for the evening. She was tired, she felt like I was using her as a masturbation device and, although willing to meet my needs, she felt hers weren't being met in return. And her needs went WAY beyond the old in-and-out. They were love bank needs. Things like Acts of Service, taking time to sit and just talk with her about household things, learning to be intimate with her in ways that started WAY outside of the boundaries of our bedroom. It took, hmmmm, maybe 2-3 months of emotional and mental foreplay for me to learn what my wife needed prior to the sex act itself. And I'm still learning and re-learning to this day. I don't think a month goes by that I don't learn something new about her now....it's always been there, I just never took the time to invest in watching, listening and talking with her like this before.

 

Now make no mistake...I'm a phenomenal lover. Just ask me, I'll testify it to be true. [snicker] I know all about that little button above her vagina and the powerful connection between the nipples and her libido. But nobody ever told me a woman's most powerful g-spot is in her head and heart. Once I found those two magic spots, she just lit up like a roman candle. I'm talking multiple orgasms, jumping my bones in the shower when I'm getting ready in the morning, waiting for me at the airport and pleasuring me in the parking lot before we drive home together. Crazy teenaged kind of stuff. Hell, I dated her when she was a teenager and don't think it was this crazy back then. And I discovered one other little secret ....this woman of my dreams has g-spots all over her body. The backs of her knees, the small crevice where her butt touches her thighs, hot things dripped onto her lower back....she's alive with sensations WAY beyond what I knew about just 5 years ago.

 

Oh and the most surprising thing of all....and liberated gals, please just close your eyes for this next sentence. She's submissive. And I don't mean in the up-talker kind of way either. I mean in the throw her around the bed like a ragdoll kind of way. No wonder she showed a preference for not being the initiator....I just didn't realize she wanted to be taken by her husband in the bedroom. No way would she have ever revealed this to me until I took the time to earn her deepest trust. And while marriage typically involves trust being given, it takes a lot of work to get to THAT kind of fantasy-sharing. Who knew? I missed out on 15 years of awesome sex all because I never took the time to figure her out....I just assumed marriage=maintaining the relationship. I now know marriage=growing the relationship. It's not the destination, it's the beginning of the next level of existence.

 

My moral for this big post is simple. If your sex life with the wife isn't what you want it to be, do something about it. It's up to you. She will either respond or she won't. Be a man, learn to adapt. You had to unlock something special in her once a long time ago to get into her pants, right? Well, you'll have to do that again if you want to recapture that feeling. The world may have changed, but your sex life can be BETTER if you work at it.

 

I really don't believe people lose interest in sex. I DO believe people lose interest in working at having better sex. They trade that interest for other more practical things like money, jobs, kids, sports, hobbies, pension plans, etc. There is no reason you can't have the best sex of your life with your spouse. None at all. If you can't, it's because one or both of you aren't willing to work at it.

 

Unpopular, perhaps...but that's my view.

[jj2007]

I've been married for 20 years, same wife, 3 kids, wonderful relationship. She's going thru difficult health issues right now (cancer) but amazingly, our sex life is actually just fine.

 

Like your story, there was a period in our lives when my wife would accept my advances but would never initiate sex or do anything "out of the ordinary." If I wanted something, I'd have to take the initiative to start it. She'd go along with it, but if I didn't come up with the ideas, we'd be doing the standard mish stuff and that was about it.

 

At about the 15 year mark, I started to become tempted to stray thru the advances of a few different women I knew professionally. Each one got progressively further until I realized that I was about to make the BIGGEST mistake of my life. I didn't talk to my wife about it at the time (have since), but I DID realize that what I was feeling for these other women could be found in my wife if I would just swallow some of my ego and pride and learn to be more assertive in our own relationship.

 

Lo and behold, I discovered something about my wife of 15 years that to this day has floored me. Guess what? Now this is a lil secret just between you and I so don't tell anyone else, mmmkay? She felt sexually unfulfilled with our relationship, also!

 

ZOMG, big shocker there, huh? I mean I thought only I could be unsatisfied in HER, not the other way around.

 

Men and our foolish ego's, eh?

 

So what we did was to learn some things about one another. I worked like a madman, was hardly ever home, never really helped out much around the house, yada yada yada. She was exhausted most of the time. In addition, my "spunky moments" were like from 10:30P onwards, far after she was ready to retire for the evening. She was tired, she felt like I was using her as a masturbation device and, although willing to meet my needs, she felt hers weren't being met in return. And her needs went WAY beyond the old in-and-out. They were love bank needs. Things like Acts of Service, taking time to sit and just talk with her about household things, learning to be intimate with her in ways that started WAY outside of the boundaries of our bedroom. It took, hmmmm, maybe 2-3 months of emotional and mental foreplay for me to learn what my wife needed prior to the sex act itself. And I'm still learning and re-learning to this day. I don't think a month goes by that I don't learn something new about her now....it's always been there, I just never took the time to invest in watching, listening and talking with her like this before.

 

Now make no mistake...I'm a phenomenal lover. Just ask me, I'll testify it to be true. [snicker] I know all about that little button above her vagina and the powerful connection between the nipples and her libido. But nobody ever told me a woman's most powerful g-spot is in her head and heart. Once I found those two magic spots, she just lit up like a roman candle. I'm talking multiple orgasms, jumping my bones in the shower when I'm getting ready in the morning, waiting for me at the airport and pleasuring me in the parking lot before we drive home together. Crazy teenaged kind of stuff. Hell, I dated her when she was a teenager and don't think it was this crazy back then. And I discovered one other little secret ....this woman of my dreams has g-spots all over her body. The backs of her knees, the small crevice where her butt touches her thighs, hot things dripped onto her lower back....she's alive with sensations WAY beyond what I knew about just 5 years ago.

 

Oh and the most surprising thing of all....and liberated gals, please just close your eyes for this next sentence. She's submissive. And I don't mean in the up-talker kind of way either. I mean in the throw her around the bed like a ragdoll kind of way. No wonder she showed a preference for not being the initiator....I just didn't realize she wanted to be taken by her husband in the bedroom. No way would she have ever revealed this to me until I took the time to earn her deepest trust. And while marriage typically involves trust being given, it takes a lot of work to get to THAT kind of fantasy-sharing. Who knew? I missed out on 15 years of awesome sex all because I never took the time to figure her out....I just assumed marriage=maintaining the relationship. I now know marriage=growing the relationship. It's not the destination, it's the beginning of the next level of existence.

 

My moral for this big post is simple. If your sex life with the wife isn't what you want it to be, do something about it. It's up to you. She will either respond or she won't. Be a man, learn to adapt. You had to unlock something special in her once a long time ago to get into her pants, right? Well, you'll have to do that again if you want to recapture that feeling. The world may have changed, but your sex life can be BETTER if you work at it.

 

I really don't believe people lose interest in sex. I DO believe people lose interest in working at having better sex. They trade that interest for other more practical things like money, jobs, kids, sports, hobbies, pension plans, etc. There is no reason you can't have the best sex of your life with your spouse. None at all. If you can't, it's because one or both of you aren't willing to work at it.

 

Unpopular, perhaps...but that's my view.

 

 

WOW!! Can you talk to my husband?

[justpassingthrough]

I'm in Dazed's fanclub.

 

That was so right on the money.

[Mustang Sally]

Dazed -

Great post, pal.

Seriously.

 

OP - I would emphasize the point of: Are you sure your wife is really (and I do mean REALLY) satisfied with your sex life?

I agree with Dazed. If you put your own ego aside and have a completely open discussion with her about it, you might just be surprised.

If not, well then, at least you looked into what I think many men overlook.

 

Additionally, is there any chance that there might be other issues in you M on either your or your wife's part? This would, again, require putting one's ego aside for an honest discussion.

[Mustang Sally]

Oh yeah. I almost forgot.

 

And how is it that you are sooooo sure you know "all her fantasies"???

 

:rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

It really sounds to me like there is more under the surface in this relationship than is being put forth....

[Lizzie60]

I very much doubt that you can 'revive' sex after all those years.. unless you change partner... LOL

 

That goes for her too...

 

With my fist ex..it was like that... borrrrring.

 

I truly believe that the interest in sex is lost somehow through the years... same positions, same thing over and over... we're not even interested in trying new stuff.

 

Role playing... I would roll on the floor laughing.. it is sooo not me or him...

 

I agree that new stuff can be tried once in a while...but sexual creativity has its limit... especially when the same 2 partners had sex for the last 20 years...

 

How about a 3-some... LOL (another guy of course)...maybe that would 'revive' her...

 

So... I think that with the same partners it is almost impossible to 'revive' sex.... but that's just me.

[Anna Comnena]

You know I'm reading your post about you being unhappy with your wife, and I'm honestly bothered your attitude.

 

Seems like your wife "hangs from the ceiling" at any given moment with you, despite the endless sea of sexless marriages out there, and YOU'RE unforfilled and looking for another partner???

 

Do you love her? Care about her? or is she some toy you're bored with?

 

So she doesn't initiate.. Got to tell you.. contrary to most "porn videos," most women like to be "swepted off their feet" and most women are too meek to even think of playing with extreme "sex toys." .. anal penatration...etc. Seems like you're got a wife that just every guy on this forum would die to have.

 

Hey, did you ever think, MAYBE SHE'S UNHAPPY WITH YOUR PERFORMANCE, I mean, you're 10+ years older, maybe she's looking for someone a little younger,,,,

 

That said, I shutter at the very idea my husband ever treats me with the same indifference or speak of me with such disrespect.

[sevensisters]

This has got to be some of the most thought provoking advice I have read on this site which will take some time to absorbe. It is only by listening to other that sometimes one realises their can be a greater dimension to the original thought process and obvious alternatives are difficult to see. I shall update this in the near future with the outcomes. Thank you all, especially Dazedandconfused66.