Torn

[GuitarGoddess]

The other day I got into my long-term boyfriend's text messages. There were a few from a girl that said "I want to kiss you" or "I want you soo bad!" and he had sent her some pictures, so it is someone he met online. The last message he sent her was "Well I can't stay long." and "Well, w e can do whatever you want," and then the messages have stopped from him, although she continued send them, for 2 or 3 days.

 

Now we only have my car, and we live in different cities (until he moves in). And we spend all of our time together, other than when one of us is attending classes or going to work. But we even see each other before classes and after work. And every other time he's told me ANY story or answered any questions, he's always told me the truth. He has never, once, lied to me. And I have proof of everything I thought were lies.

 

I can't let him know I read his messages, but I asked him about cheating. He told me, without getting mad- without getting offensive, "I have never cheated on you." and I asked if he had almost done it or thought about it and he said "yes, to both. But I never did it." So I said okay. But I kept pushing it through the day, and I asked if I was pissing him off, and he said "No. I'm a little hurt that you couldn't believe me the first time, but I understand." and I said "Well if I told you I read something or someone told me something, would your answers change?" and he said "no."

 

Well later that day he went on to tell me how glad he was that we were more serious and that he was so comfortable with me. and we decided for sure that he is going to be moving in with me.

 

And people I talk to that he tells thigns to, have all only said good things- that I'm all he talks about, that he calls me his number one girl, and talks about our "family." (Me him and our dog).

 

However, when I read that, it just jolted my heart and I had no idea how to react to it. He hasnt' changed with me, he's been the same with me since day one. The day after I accused him or brought it up, we were back to normal and laughing. There was nothing out of place. None of our condoms were missing. He's still supportive of me. Not angry, not mad. He's exactly the same.

 

Now I do have trust issues, because my father cheated on my mother. And everyone loves my boyfriend. Is this just me being a paranoid person and using my past experiences/my parent's experiences and reflecting them on my life? Because I want to trust him, so badly, but I'm scared.

 

To him sex is a physical attraction, it's not emotional. At all. He's had sex with a girl one or two times, and that was it. I don't see how because everything, for me, is emotional.

 

Any input?

[Cobra_X30]

Hey I'm in the same boat. There is no fix... From my experience you just have to find someone that will go out of thier way to build trust with you, and you are just going to have to decide the risk is worth it.

 

Set boundaries with him! Let him know upfront what you are comfortable with and what your not. Example, would it bother you if he and some guy friends went to a dance club without you? Would you be comfortable with him having a close female friend... if so what types of activities would you consider disrespectful and off limits... ect.

[starlite]

I dont know if he cheated. The way the texts went sounds like he may have had plans to meet up with her...

 

Are you ok with that?

 

Also, are you ok with the fact that he claims he has thought of cheating on you and also admitted to almost doing it before?

[Lyssa]

The girl kept messaging him even though he didn't continue - could be the girl is getting way over board and your BF freaked out. He was probably just messing around with her. Who knows?

 

I had trust issues - big time! I got over it though. My BF goes out of his way to show me that he can be trusted and me him. You gotta follow your gut instinct. If you think he can't be trusted then most likely, he can't be.

 

Like Cobra said - set boundaries with him...

[GuitarGoddess]

I don't know if I'm really okay with it.. i guess if it was totally platonic, then yeah. I'm okay with it. I mean, he's never lied to me before. I always tend to make things bigger than they are with him..but I do think he had plans to meet up with her but ended up backing out

[Cobra_X30]

I don't know if I'm really okay with it.. i guess if it was totally platonic, then yeah. I'm okay with it. I mean, he's never lied to me before. I always tend to make things bigger than they are with him..but I do think he had plans to meet up with her but ended up backing out

 

If he intended to meet her then backed out, what do you think that means?

[FrequentFlyer]

If he intended to meet her then backed out, what do you think that means?

 

It means she caught him before anything happened, perhaps?

Or maybe he was just putting some plans together. Who knows for certain.

 

This guy is not your father, get over the "trust issues." You had trust issues with your father, that shouldn't apply to other folks. Otherwise, you might never have a healthy relationship.

 

I'm not your BF. But if I were, I'd be plotting my escape from you. The persistent questioning could become really annoying. But that's just me.

[GuitarGoddess]

Good point, FF. I think you are right, and I realized that after posting this thread on here. I really have to let go of what my father did, because that is not my boyfriend. And I just have to let go and trust him and take things as they come. We're best friends and I shouldn't even have to ask- he trusts me unrelentlessly, and he deserves the same.

 

I think it mostly stems from the fact that i can't trust myself.

[squeak]

Hello GG,

I don't think your background of having issues with parental cheating has anything to do with how you feel.

 

I'm a little worried that you may be wanting to not see the situation for what it is....

 

Sometimes it is easier to see the truth without all the rationalizations, all the he said this/I said this...just look at the actions-ther is your truth.

 

From what you wrote-it sounds like he deliberately went online to meet a girl, they exchanged a few really inappropriate texts, and ???maybe he caught on you read them and it did not stop, maybe it did.

 

The intent was there, that was a breach of trust, sending her pictures, talking of kissing, saying "we can do whatever you want" and "I can't stay long" tells me he may have screwed her and gotten back to you in time. Or even if he didn't go through with it, that is some serious issue , he was going to or already has cheated on you.

 

Do you want to move in with him and wonder if he will do it again?

 

That is not okay, and it has nothing to do with your past issues!!!!

 

Also-my 2 cents-"trust" is overrated, either someone does things that make you trust them, or they don't.

 

The idea of I will choose to trust him/her in the face of overwhelming evidence that my trust is already breached seems not a good thing for yourself. Trust is based on moment to moment actions.

[O'Malley]

From what you wrote-it sounds like he deliberately went online to meet a girl, they exchanged a few really inappropriate texts, and ???maybe he caught on you read them and it did not stop, maybe it did.

 

The intent was there, that was a breach of trust, sending her pictures, talking of kissing, saying "we can do whatever you want" and "I can't stay long" tells me he may have screwed her and gotten back to you in time. Or even if he didn't go through with it, that is some serious issue , he was going to or already has cheated on you.

 

Do you want to move in with him and wonder if he will do it again?

 

That is not okay, and it has nothing to do with your past issues!!!!

 

 

I absolutely agree; it's obvious more was going on here than just platonic buddies. He's never mentioned this girl nor did he mention the plans he'd made with her, the way a person would if they had nothing to hide. It has nothing to do with your trust issues, your boyfriend basically has provided evidence that he's flirting and making plans with another female behind your back.

 

It's up to you to decide whether or not this is a dealbreaker for your relationship but if you chose to stay with your boyfriend keep your eyes wide open.

[Flyin in Clouds]

... have all only said good things- that I'm all he talks about, that he calls me his number one girl, and talks about our "family." (Me him and our dog).

Who's his number two girl? If you are number one there must be a number two, three and four...

 

Now I do have trust issues, because my father cheated on my mother. ...

Have you discussed this with him? I know how badly that messed up a female friend of mine. Because of her father and mothers screwed up relationship she didn't trust men and that eventually doomed her marriage, drove her husband to cheat on her.

 

To him sex is a physical attraction, it's not emotional. At all. He's had sex with a girl one or two times, and that was it. I don't see how because everything, for me, is emotional.

 

Any input?

The reason he doesn't view sex as emotional is because he's not a girl. If you think guys are just like you except for the obvious physical differences, that emotionally men and women are the same, that male and female egos are driven by the name things... then you don't really understand men or women.

 

This guy is not your father, get over the "trust issues."

Boy that's helpful. People don't just get over their "issues". Doesn't work that way. Far better to get with someone that doesn't push your insecurities buttons. If I was in a relationship with a woman I would never had done what this guy did... sorry totally inappropriate to being "flirting" or worse that way with other women. Not fair to the OW either to lead them on.

 

And because FrequentFlyer has no empathy or even willingness to understand your trust issues, for sure someone like FF wouldn't be the right guy for you.

 

I would say there is plenty for you to be worried about with this guy...

 

Turst, but verify. He's already hiding this from you. What else that you haven't discovered?