Revealed feelings to my best friend and he's AWOL..how long to wait before giving up?

[Stacid]

Yesterday I sent an e-mail (I know, but trust me it was the right way to communicate my feelings in this particular situation) to my best guy friend telling him that I like him and how I'd like to figure something out in order to remain friends if he's not interested. The letter was not dramatic, and I felt it accurately portrayed my honest feelings about the situation.

 

This was about 24 hours ago and I haven't heard anything from him. Did I freak him out? He's 32, so I'd think he'd have some maturity and at least write something back. I want to give him space to figure out how (or if, I guess) he wants to respond, but I don't want to be waiting in vain, you know?

 

So how long is too long to wait for a response before I call it a day and move on?

[birdie]

that depends on his past behaviour. does he usually go quiet when facing something as significant as this?

 

maturity sort of comes into it but he will also be concerned that he handles it the right way. also, he may not have picked up your email yet.

 

I'd say wait a few days and if you haven't heard from him then assume that you won't - at least for a while - and not with good news.

[lover's rock]

I think you should date other guys. Talk to other guys, occupy your time and attempt to forget about him or at least occupy your mind with other things. I did that with a male friend of mine and he didn't call me until a week and a half later. And he STILL hasn't responded to my email (or sent me any emails at all since). He is aware of it and has let me know but he seems to waiting for something. One way or another, I've been talking to about three other guys because even though HE is the one I want, we're not an item yet...and heck, what is he probably doing when I'M not around? See what I mean?

 

Hang out with your girlfriends, delete his number from your phone (when he calls back you'll have it, besides you've already memorized it anyway lol) and get more involved with your family. Do all you can to occupy your time and stop thinking about him. That will help you wait because if he is 32 and you gauge that he is able to handle something like that, then he'll probably need time to settle on it in his mind.

 

Ignore him. Act like you are moving on with your life. That way if he doesn't respond, you wouldn't have wasted any time.

[bones]

I did the same thing with my friend. I got no acknowledgement, although we continued being close for some time. He was not emotionally mature enough to handle it and is 15 years older than your friend. Men are a different breed when it comes to talking emotions.

 

Don't call, don't send anymore e-mails. TRUST ME. Let him think. Men don't like clingy--they like independence.

[rakula]

Yesterday I sent an e-mail (I know, but trust me it was the right way to communicate my feelings in this particular situation) to my best guy friend telling him that I like him and how I'd like to figure something out in order to remain friends if he's not interested. The letter was not dramatic, and I felt it accurately portrayed my honest feelings about the situation.

 

This was about 24 hours ago and I haven't heard anything from him. Did I freak him out? He's 32, so I'd think he'd have some maturity and at least write something back. I want to give him space to figure out how (or if, I guess) he wants to respond, but I don't want to be waiting in vain, you know?

 

So how long is too long to wait for a response before I call it a day and move on?

 

So you only want to remain friends with him? Are you not interested in anything more than friendship?? This situation seems similar to what I went through.

[whichwayisup]

I wonder if she'll give an update........

[Stacid]

I will give an update! Thanks for caring!

 

Well, that weekend he wrote me an e-mail that said that he missed me and that he loved hanging out with me but that there was someone else he'd like to date.

 

So, we're negotiating the fine line we've created for ourselves and I am trying to be a good friend, and nothing more. We talk and text, and last weekend we hung out, just the two of us. I had fun, but I have to admit it was hard to be with him and not want to be with him, you know?

 

He volunteered details about the girl, and to be honest he doesn't sound super enthusiastic about her. His explanation of her was--she lives about an hour and a half away from him, is not working in a challenging job, and he doesn't like her family. He likes that she watches the same shows he does and likes sports. Not exactly a ringing endorsement.

 

Am I crazy and evil to hope that things don't work out for them? I promise I'm trying to "get out there" and meet other people, but my hope that things will work out with him is always in the back of my mind.

 

Any advice?

[touchedbyfire]

I'd say it all depends on your own level of tolerance for hanging out with him without being able to be with him. It sounds like you're doing okay, but perhaps you should try gently drawing a line about hearing too much about his love life. If he has any consideration for you, he should respect your feelings and do what he can to not hurt them. I would also say, it might also be healthier for you to pull back a bit. Hanging out with him more often is likely to make your feelings stronger. I'm not advocating NC here. Just a little "space". If he does develop feelings for you, he'll come after you. Good luck! I can totally sympathize - I'm in a similar situation (with a girl).

[Stacid]

Thanks so much for the awesome advice! I am trying to do the whole "space" thing--and I've moved from always answering the phone when he calls and texting right back to waiting a day or so to respond. So, I'm doing my best. I just wish I didn't have to.

 

Before this, we talked multiple times a day and saw each other every weekend. It's hard to downgrade such a close friendship, when your only consolation is that you're doing the right thing.

 

Has anyone found that this is worth it? I mean, staying in a friendship where they wanted more than the other could give? I love this guy, not just in a romantic sense, but in a real, personal sense, and I don't want to lose this friendship. He's said that he'd give anything to keep our friendship, too. But, I don't want to lose myself to save the friendship either.

 

I'd love to hear stories where this worked out--either just by remaining friends through the wierdness, or by the other person "coming around" and realizing you were always the one they wanted. Anyone?

[rakula]

Thanks so much for the awesome advice! I am trying to do the whole "space" thing--and I've moved from always answering the phone when he calls and texting right back to waiting a day or so to respond. So, I'm doing my best. I just wish I didn't have to.

 

Before this, we talked multiple times a day and saw each other every weekend. It's hard to downgrade such a close friendship, when your only consolation is that you're doing the right thing.

 

Has anyone found that this is worth it? I mean, staying in a friendship where they wanted more than the other could give? I love this guy, not just in a romantic sense, but in a real, personal sense, and I don't want to lose this friendship. He's said that he'd give anything to keep our friendship, too. But, I don't want to lose myself to save the friendship either.

 

I'd love to hear stories where this worked out--either just by remaining friends through the wierdness, or by the other person "coming around" and realizing you were always the one they wanted. Anyone?

Wow. Thanks for posting. This post couldn't come at a better time. It's similar to what I went through. As far as finding it worth it? I'm still wondering if it was worth it to reveal my feelings. She said the same thing of my friendship being very important to her and she wanted to work through it. We are still friends today but I just don't feel that we are as close as we once used to be. I guess the game has changed a bit. At times I wish things didn't change but I'm keeping faith that I did the right thing about coming out with my feelings. It's probably healthier of a friendship where we've set boundaries. But heck veggies are pretty healthy too but I rather eat something else.

 

I'm about 3 or 4 months from your currenct situation. The weirdness still kind of remains but has subsided. I'm guessing we'll remain good friends but it take some time to rebuild a new friendship. I'm just keeping the faith that it will all work out in the end. It's probably healthier that I did put some space between us so I can find someone else that will be willing to give what I want.

 

My female friend once had a guy reveal his feelings to her. They are still friends but she is always weary that he'll like her again or something. She told me that we'll probably remain friends but it won't be the way it used to be. Which was kinda upsetting to me. But now I'm just coping and dealing with that fact and trying to branch out and forge other friendships.

 

A couple of things that helped me cope was hanging out with other friends. It really helps alot. I went to a 4 day vacation for a bachelor party with the guys. It worked great. Keeping busy is key. Maybe if you had a girls night out or something it could help. Well good luck with your situation. Check in with use from time to time. Loveshack is awesome. ;-)

[rakula]

Oh one thing I wanted to mention is that your situation might be a bit different than mine. I feel that guys are more equiped in being friends after a failed attempted for a relationship than girls are. For some reason it freaks out the girl that you like them that way. This is what a female friend of mine said and I'm finding it to be true.

[touchedbyfire]

Hmm...I'm not sure I agree with that. Women tend to actually have other reasons than sex to keep a guy around. Also, women are generally aware on *some* level that their male friends likely want to or would sleep with them. And so while they may act surprised, part of them aren't that surprised.

[glittergurl]

I have learned this the hard way: confessing your feelings to someone is like a game of chess. You have to carefully consider your strategy and never put yourself in the weakest position.

 

Well, you just put yourself in the weakest position: you e-mailed him, and now that's that. You're left there waiting for a response that might never come, or for the whole situation to blow in your face. If he shares the same feelings, you might get a nice response, but that is only one of the many possibilities. And to make things worse: all the other possibilities are not so pretty.

 

To be completely honest, I think the best you might expect is a lukewarm reaction. Because if he shared the same feelings, he wouldn't have mentioned his other date to you in the first place ...

 

I've been there, done that. And I will never go for the blunt love confession, ever again. And you know why? Because if you have to make such a major jump without having a clue about what reaction you are going get, then it's very unlikely to turn into the perfect romance.

 

Flirt, flirt, flirt. And let things flow naturally. If there is attraction, you'll be kissing before you even have to say a word about your feelings.

 

That being said, I do keep my fingers crossed for you and hope he will be a gentleman about it and not leave you hanging. If you're close friends, he'll probably handle it well and at least keep the friendship going.

[Stacid]

So I've been playing phone tag with this guy for the past three days---he initiated the original contact, and we've been trying to get in touch with each other ever since. We finally talked last night and we talked for about an hour, just like old times.

 

During the conversation, he brought up that my birthday is coming up. He said--"I know your birthday is next week, so don't buy anything. No CDs, no movies, no nothing, ok?" I thought that was weird, but I was glad he remembered my birthday. I'm guessing he doesn't want me to buy anything because he's planning on doing something for my birthday. This is different than what we'd been doing--last year we just went out to dinner for my birthday, and I just got him something very small for his. Does this mean anything or am I continuing to be the queen of overinterpretation? I just want to have realistic expectations. I wasn't expecting him to even remember, so I guess I am already a winner, right? Is this simply a friendly gesture?

[Tony T]

Back off...and back off big time. You're lying to yourself if you're trying to convince yourself you want to be this guy's friend. That's NOT what you want...you want MORE!!! Why would you want to put yourself through a lot of pain letting him tell you about the girls he's kissed, screwed and whatever. That's insane.

 

Be this guy's phone friend when he calls...but don't initiate anything. Move on. You still don't get it. You don't understand that this guy's heart is someplace else and most likely will always be. Hell, the two of you aren't even such great friends that you didn't know he was interested in somebody else.

 

You have fallen for him. Maybe when you find somebody else you can be his buddy again...if the girl he's dating will go for it.

 

The situation you're in now with him is one that you will surely lose. Because of your feelings you are hypersensitive about when he's going to call, that he remembered your birthday...all that stuff. You will take the good stuff WRONG and be hurt when he slights you. It's just not being honest with yourself to pursue his friendship with so much vigor because that is NOT WHAT YOU WANT!!!

 

Being kind to yourself is going out, meeting people and finding someone you care about who cares about you in a mutual, loving way.

 

Yes, you are the queen of over interpretation and any gesture he makes toward you after he has told you he's interested in somebody else is a friendly gesture and could very well be made out of guilt or empathy. You don't need that!

[Stacid]

Wow, Tony. I appreciate your direct response. I promise you, I am going out and having fun with friends. I also have not initiated any contact with him, I have only responded when he contacted me--and only after waiting a day or so to call/text back.

 

I harbor no illusions that he's deeply in love with me and just doesn't know it. But I also think that he's been a great friend to me for a long time and I don't want to end a friendship because we don't have the same feelings for one another. I am willing to deal with some pain to move beyond the present situation back into a good friendship.

 

The details surrounding why and what I didn't know about the object of his affection are extremely bizarre and would take too long to explain, but please believe that the reason I didn't know was not because we weren't as close as I thought we were. I can promise you that I did not overinterpret that part of our friendship. If you'd like details, I'd be happy to spell them out.

 

So, I appreciate the reality check. Really. I do. But, please try not to assume too much about how I got to where I got in this friendship. One of the reasons I asked about the birthday thing was to see if people thought he was taking that action out of guilt. Sounds like you think that's where he's coming from.

[Yamaha]

Back off...and back off big time. You're lying to yourself if you're trying to convince yourself you want to be this guy's friend. That's NOT what you want...you want MORE!!! Why would you want to put yourself through a lot of pain letting him tell you about the girls he's kissed, screwed and whatever. That's insane.

 

Be this guy's phone friend when he calls...but don't initiate anything. Move on. You still don't get it. You don't understand that this guy's heart is someplace else and most likely will always be. Hell, the two of you aren't even such great friends that you didn't know he was interested in somebody else.

 

You have fallen for him. Maybe when you find somebody else you can be his buddy again...if the girl he's dating will go for it.

 

The situation you're in now with him is one that you will surely lose. Because of your feelings you are hypersensitive about when he's going to call, that he remembered your birthday...all that stuff. You will take the good stuff WRONG and be hurt when he slights you. It's just not being honest with yourself to pursue his friendship with so much vigor because that is NOT WHAT YOU WANT!!!

 

Being kind to yourself is going out, meeting people and finding someone you care about who cares about you in a mutual, loving way.

 

Yes, you are the queen of over interpretation and any gesture he makes toward you after he has told you he's interested in somebody else is a friendly gesture and could very well be made out of guilt or empathy. You don't need that!

 

 

 

Word!!!! Think of yourself and that does not mean just being his friend. Find another guy that feels the same and restrict yourself to being an aquaintance with him.

[LisaNotLiza]

One of the reasons I asked about the birthday thing was to see if people thought he was taking that action out of guilt. Sounds like you think that's where he's coming from.

 

He obviously doesn't like you that way though. He told you he was into someone else, and that's a slap in the face. The way you write about it makes me assume you two have known each other for several years. If that's the case, and if you usually celebrate each other's birthday each year, then honestly, I wouldn't read into it at all. It's your birthday, he knows it, and that's all. I really don't think there's any feelings or even guilt involved. He sees you as a friend, and friends acknowedge each other's bdays.

 

But let's assume for a second that he did do it out of guilt. What does that tell you? That he's still dating that other girl, so he still doesn't love you that way, and best case you're just a friend he doesn't want to hurt. Whatever the case, you're still very clearly in the friend zone. And it doesn't look like you'll be out of it any time soon.

 

He's got a sweet deal here. You as a friend with open feelings, and other chicks that he freely dates. You should date other guys just as freely. He obviously doesn't mind dating others AND telling you about it. Why would you end up posting on a message board, wondering what he may or may not mean about your birthday, while he's having a grand time? It's not fair and you know it.

[Stacid]

I appreciate everyone's thoughtful responses.

 

Maybe I am setting myself up for an ass-whooping, but does it change anyone's opinion about the nature of my friendship with this man if I say that for the last year and a half he's been the initiator of about 95% of our multiple, daily, hour-long conversations and that when we went out each weekend (oftentimes for an entire day and evening), he paid? I would offer to pay, and he wouldn't let me. We would hug each other, but we never kissed. Everyone I knew, and I mean everyone, thought he was in love with me.

 

He sent me mixed messages, for sure, but I don't think he's just this evil guy who's out to use me and just have a good time. He was incredibly supportive and kind to me when my father had severe medical issues, and I have been there for him through some job drama.

 

I am keeping my distance, not talking to him even a quarter as much as I had. But just walking away seems like its not the right thing, at least at this moment.

 

I have been going out with other people, having my friends introduce me to people, etc. I'm taking a guitar class, and just really trying to move beyond it. Is it really impossible to go back to being friends with someone once your feelings are "out there"? I feel like he's trying to do that, and I'm responding. It's really better to just walk away? Tell me I'm crazy if you think I am. I can take it.

[LisaNotLiza]

I'm not saying you should walk away and end the friendship. Not at all. But you might want to keep your distances for a while until your head is clear about it all. Right now you still have feelings, very obviously. You won't be able to move forward if you keep going out with this guy.

 

And who knows why he did this and that in the past. Maybe he had a crush on you at some point, maybe he considers you more like a litle sister. Who knows! Whatever the case, he's clearly not into you right now.

 

And when I said he was having a good time, I didn't mean that he's an evil person. But those are the facts: he is having a good time, and you're sitting here analyzing every detail. I bet you he's not thinking about it nearly as much as you are. If he cared that much, he wouldn't be dating another chick.

[directx]

Stacid,

I can totally relate and I think you are handling it quite well. I had a very similar situation where you say something about feelings and that person disappears.

 

You know what though? At least its out there. And now you can move on without making your mind crazy day after day suppressing feelings.

 

Again, I think you handled it well.

[Stacid]

Thanks so much, everyone who is responding. I appreciate your support and concern. I am really trying to do what I feel is right in the situation, and it's good to have people help keep me in reality.

 

Direct x--I'm sorry you had a similar situation. Hopefully all is well now.

[directx]

Direct x--I'm sorry you had a similar situation. Hopefully all is well now.

 

oh, you are sweet.

Don't worry about me. High school trained me well, plus special friends you make discussing the issue helps along the way.

 

I actually feel bad for doing that to the person that caused them to avoid me, rather than the avoidence itself.

Oh well.