Wife moved out.

September 6, 2007

I am going to give a lot of back ground and then down at the bottom, I will sum everything up for those that do not want to read the long story.

The Long Story:

I met my wife when I was 19 and she was 14. I dont know what it was, but the first time I saw her, I knew I could love her the rest of my life. I did alot of nice things for her as she was getting older. I wrote her poems and gave her small trinkets and played stupid games back and forth, showing her my interest and 'love'.

During this time, we both had our problems. One of them being I was much older than her. When I really started showing interest was when she was 16, almost 17. It made her dad uncomfortable that a 21 year old was chasing their 16 year old daughter. He had even called and told me to stop talking to her. This proved to be kind of hard because she was best friends with my best friend's sister, so we saw each other a lot on the weekends.

Eventually, I had to move to Georgia because of financial issues. My parents lived there and they were helping me get back on my feet. I paid all of my bills, got my car fixed and headed back to Texas prematurely. I had not paid off some traffic warrants and got arrested 2 weeks after I moved back. M car got burned on the side of the highway, so I lost my transportation. I stayed in jail to pay off my tickets (I lost my job because of this, but got my tickets taken care of). After trying to survive here in Texas for a couple of months, I had to move back to Georgia.

By this time, My wife was 17, almost 18, and I was 22. We slowly started talking on the internet. This slow talking evolved into us talking to each other every night for hours. On March 15th, 2000, I told her how I felt about her again. Told her how much I loved her and that if I ever moved back to Texas, it would only be for her. This went on for about 30 minutes and she told me "I just want to be friends... thats all. Nothing more". I then told her that I just couldnt be friends because I loved her so much and didnt want anyone else. I told her if she didnt want anything with me, then we needed to stop talking now and stop being friends. She said "F#$% You!" and hung up on me. I called her back after about 15 minutes and I said "I am sorry I hurt you. I am sorry I am being selfish. I promise I will repay you. I will make March 15th, sometime in the future, the happiest day of your life." We then started talking about something else.

When her graduation came up, I flew down to see her. I didnt get to see her as much as I wanted, but I was happy none the less. We went to the zoo and did a few other things, but our best night was her graduation night. It was very exciting and I was glad I was there for her.

When she took me to the airport about 2 days later, the sky was clear and everything seemed to be perfect, but I still prayed that my flight would get delayed. I wanted to spend as much time with her as I could. When i got there, the plane had been delayed. I was so excited. Everything was working out so perfect. I knew God wanted us to be together then. All of the feelings I had in the past, the things I seemed to 'know' about us before they had ever happen. It was God. I was so happy that day, even though I was about to be leaving her to go back to Georgia. As we waited, i had my CD player and head phones on. 3 Doors Down's song 'So I Need You' finally came up on the CD player and I started singing it to her. She tried walking away and the further she got, the louder I got. I made sure everyone heard me and she could hear me too. I loved her so much and I wanted everyone to know I needed her. Eventually the plane started boarding, so I ran back to her one last time and gave her a kiss on the cheek and a big hug. She didnt seem to like ti much, but I didnt care. I knew she would eventually appreciate it.

After a month and a half, she came to Georgia. She had a free round trip ticket to anywhere that she had received from her school and she used it to see me. I was so excited. Before she came out, I had bought a super Nintendo so we would have something to do, but would allow us to talk to each other. I tried to make sure we didnt watch too many movies and such because I wanted to be able to talk to her. We did play Nintendo and we actually ended up watching Bicentennial Man. She wanted to see it, so anything she wanted, I did for her. It was a great movie and love story. I started feeling like I wanted to kiss her, so I lowered my head and kissed her on the lips. She didnt complain. I took her to my room (she had not seen it yet, this was her first night there) and she sat on my bed. I showed her around and finally went and sat by her. We talked for a sec and she laid back. When she did, I moved over next to her. We started to kiss and she said she KNEW then that she loved me. The rest of the weekend we spent in the guest bedroom kissing and making out. I made her breakfast in the mornings and we went out to dinner in the evenings. We had even gone to the zoo. Other than that, we pretty much spent the whole time in the guest bedroom. She had to leave on July 5th, so I took her to the airport and cried like a baby when she had to leave. I knew then I had to get back to Texas as soon as possible.

Over the next month, I gave up using the computer. I called her every night. I didnt care about the big phone bill. We talked alot and I told her I loved her a lot. She never told me, but I knew she did. She always told me she had something to tell me when I got back to Texas. After a month, I moved back. The first night I got back, she reminded me she had something to tell me in person and she said "I love you". Everything I had always wanted to hear from her. (I am tearing up thinking about it now because its all I want to hear from her now.)

I got a really good job when I moved back and was making nice money. I bought her a promise ring in Nov. and got her a really nice engagement ring in Feb. We set our date for marriage for....... MARCH 15th of 2002! I was able to keep my promise to her, It was wonderful. A little over one year and we would be married.

Now is where things started falling apart. I know now I went wrong, but then I didnt see it. I am so dumb.

The first week of march, my job lost a contract with the government. I got laid off and since I was paid under the table, I did not get a severence. I got my last week's pay and that was it. I had a hard time finding a job that paid that well, so I was unemployed for 6 months and my wife (still fiance) helped pay the bills. I got a job about 6 months later and was there for about 5 months. I didnt make a lot, so I was not able to save up any money. Because of this, my wife bought all of our furniture for our new apartment. 4 days before my wedding, I was laid off from this job.... again because of an expired contract. I hated it. We still got married and it was the most beautiful day of our life. (If my wife chooses to leave me for good, I will never get married again because nothing could compare to that day.) The day we were married was both of our first time to have sex. We did everything by the book. Everything was perfect.

After We were married, I started looking for work. We didnt take a honeymoon because we could not afford it. 6 months went by and I didnt get a job. My wife was probably feeling the affects too was not very sexual. I saw this and started playing online games to occupy my time. I got addicted and for the next 2 years, i did not work. I played games and sat at the house. I wish I could go back in time and rough myself up for being so dumb, but I know there is nothing I could do. After those 2 years, we moved closer to her parents into a house. I got a job... finally, but I still played those stupid games. After 6 months of working there, I got this great job I have now. My boss' daughter worked for me at the place i used to work at and she told her dad about me. I interviewed with him and now I work for a man that is very successful on his home with 2 businesses and about to start a third and a fourth.

Now to rewind just a tad. When I first started working at the place I am at now, my wife knew then we were stable and talked to me about having a baby. I agreed and was very excited. after my wife got pregnant in April of 2005, we found out we were having a little boy and my DREAMS were coming true even more. Back when me and my wife talked on the computer when I was in Georgia, the song by Creed 'With Arms Wide Open' was on my mind. I KNEW I would play that song when my son was born. I was so excited that now I could do that. My son ended up being premature and was born 2 months early in Dec of 2005. This was the best day of my life. I cried that day several times and was so excited that I was building a family with the girl of my dreams. After my son was born, I stopped playing those games and for the next 6 months, I didnt.

In July of 2006, I started paying again... STUPID ME! This is where it really starts to fall apart. I played alot and by the time Jan. rolled around, my wife had pretty much lost interest in me. I ignored her alot. She started talking to an old high school boyfriend and a relationship was rekindled. Over the next 2 months, she was having her relationship with him behind my back. She would talk to him online and on her cell phone. She would go see him sometimes, telling me she was taking our son for a walk or whatever. She ended up having sex with him in March of this year. I started noticing changes in her. She got her nosed pierced. She wanted tattoos (which i didnt mind) and she started spending alot of money. Clothes mostly. 2 days before I found out, I knew that I was losing her. I had let myself go since we had gotten married (gained 100 lbs, didnt shave and had a huge beard, didnt care what clothes i wore, etc). So I went and got a gym membership so I could lose weight. I bought a few new clothes (not alot since I was losing weight) and shaved my beard to only having a goatee.

Two days later, I found out she was cheating by checking her cell phone. I confronted her and she told me what she had done. She ended with him that night, but I didnt end it.... here is another stupid mistake. For the next 2 months, I would think I was over it, but then I would bring it up. I was hurt and she didnt want to talk about it. We tried therapy, but she didnt like it and didnt think it would help her, so we stopped going. I was having problems with the sex. She was always real quiet about it and didnt really show any interest (except when she was pregnant. SHe had a big sex drive then). I kept pushing the sex issue, telling her I expected things from her since she was willing to cheat, she could do things I wanted. It wasnt working and the more she withdrew, the more I pushed. I was dumb. By mid June, I could tell she was growing distant.

The end of July was rolling around and she told me she wanted to be on her own. She said she had been thinking about it for awhile and she wanted her own place and her own things. She had stopped wearing her wedding ring. I never asked her about the ring until recently. I will get to that.

We were to take a vacation on Aug 7th. Already had it bought and paid for. Before we went, she told me she was going to move out the weekend after we got back. I asked her if that week would make a difference and she said no. So I kicked her out a week early. She moved in with her parents and has been there ever since.

We did go on our vacation, but came back a day early. I was just not happy. I was sad that she was leaving me and was not having fun and just wanted to be in my house. The ride back, I told her how much I loved her and the reasons I knew we could work through this. I told her that we are a great couple and both of us made mistakes. She did not talk much. I told her I respected her space, but I wanted her to still respect me as a husband and tell me what she was doing and that she was safe. She agreed. After I dropped her off, I went home. After thinking about some stuff, i tried calling her at her parents and she didnt answer, so I drove over there and she was gone. I called her again and no answer. So I left a message telling her that I was upset and needed to talk to her. She called back and I asked her why she didnt tell me she was leaving and she said she didnt have to tell me (even though she agreed she would on our trip home). I told her I wanted a divorce and she said "Fine".

She came over later that night, at my request, and we talked about it and said we would wait. I told her I would give her the space she needed and she left. A week passed and I fell apart the next weekend. I opened up to her and told her I loved her and what-not. Of course it didnt work and she felt uncomfortable. So the next day, I went and dropped off my son and didnt say anything to her. Sunday when I went to pick him up, I didnt say anything to her after she said "bye" to me. I felt bad for doing this, so I went inside and she was in her room, with her face burried in her pillow. I couldnt tell if she was crying, so I said "I love you. I am not being mean, but I cant talk to you or see you and hold my composure" and I walked out.

This last weekend, I thought I would be ok, but I fell apart. I was going to poker night with her dad and he started talking about her. I was trying not to think about her and he brought her up. I started crying and didnt do good at poker that night. He said he was sorry that he brought her up. The next day at church, I thought I received from the message that I was to help my wife get her own place, but it was not what was supposed to happen. We ended up talking and divorce came up again. I had asked her why she didnt want to wear her wedding ring and she said she didnt want a relationship right now. She didnt want one with me or anyone else. She just wanted to be alone. I asked her if she wanted a divorce and she said "Yes and No" I asked her how it could be both and then I said "I would be lying if I didnt think of both either". I told her that I did want one because I want some sort of closure. I told her that I wanted to know where my life was going and if it was TRULY over. But I also told her I didnt want one because I love her and I love her family and I knew, since the day i met her, that i wanted to spend my life with her. I told her God has something planned for us and its not divorce. She told me her reason for Yes was "Right now, I feel like I want a divorce. I want my own things, my own place, my own life. And I am tired of conversations like this. I want to be happy." and her reason for no was "I dont want to regret anything. I dont want to regret losing you and splitting up our family."

I am at a huge disadvantage because I goto Church with her mom, I play poker with her dad and her brother is my best friend. If I lose her, i lose my family and a friend. They say I wouldnt lose that, but I know it would be strange, especially if I started dating again. I dont want to lose my wife, but if I did, we would start to drift apart. It scares me. She isnt losing anything like that with my family. My family has been a stress on us. My grandmother owes us near a thousand dollars I know we will never see and my parents owe us near 3 thousand we barely see. My family has not been a positive experience for her. That makes me sad too.

I will throw in, since I found out about the cheating, i have used my son as leverage and tried to blackmail my wife a couple of times saying I would take full custody of him and make sure she saw him very little, but this was when I was upset and angry. I would NEVER really do that, nor would I ever even try. I would not want to make our divorce a nasty one or hurt my wife and son. I love them both. I talk out of anger and hurt and I lose control. I have done this 3 times since the affair, the last time being this past weekend. I love her very much and I am sorry I told her that stuff.

The Short Story:

Married 5 1/2 years, together seven years. we have a 21 month old son. I have made mistakes after getting married - No job, played too many video games and ignored my wife. She cheated after 5 years of marriage with an old high school boyfriend. I was not able to let things go and pressured the cheating and sex on her for the last 4 months. Now she is moved in with her parents and we dont talk much.

If you only read the short story, if youre going to give advice, please read the long story. If youre just trolling, the short story is probably all you want to read.

What I need to do:

I know I need to continue with the NC. I know This is what I have to do and I will not cave, even though, when I see my wife, I feel like I am melting and falling apart. I want so bad to hold her and kiss her.

I have made alot of changes. I dont spend money like I used to, I now pay the bills. I have lost A LOT of weight since March. I have gone from 355lbs to 259lbs now. I am only 9 lbs away from where I was when my wife and I started dating. I dress nice now and I keep our house super clean. I dont play games, cept at work, haha.

I read 'Divorce Busting'. It was/is a great book and I have learned alot. I have been reading alot of threads here, but the one I like the most and the person I guess I feel I have the closest relationship to is Confuzd. I would really be honored if he gave me his time and advice. He is pretty much doing everything I would if I were in his situation. I know exactly how he feels and I have been praying for him. I really hope God helps his wife to see and guide him in the right direction.

I would also like Mike1966, Caliguy, YQ, jmargel and especially lysne to grace my blog. You guys, I have noticed, have been the ones most involved with Confuzd's situation and have offered great advice.

If anyone has any questions, I can answer them. I still left a lot of stuff out because it would take me all day to write the whole story, but that is the most important stuff. That is the stuff that should matter.

September 6, 2007

The day after I found out she cheated, she was laying on my chest and I started reciting a poem to her off the top of my head. As I was saying it to her, i remembered it so I could write it down. She said she liked it. I wanted to share it with you guys. She has it framed in our room. I meant to post this above, but just remembered now.

Mistakes

As time slowly passed, we both made mistakes

And with these mistakes, it caused us heart ache.

We would yell and scream and fight with each other

Our relationship was in trouble, so why even bother?

Then one day, I realized things needed to change

Your history in my life wasn't just on one page.

You have always been the beginning, middle and the end

I just want things to go back how they had been.

These pieces we are are painful; they hurt

But we can put them back together with love and some work.

There is so much we have, have done and cherish

It would kill me inside to see this all perish.

You mean more to me than my life itself

That's when I turned to God and cried out for help.

God has assured me we will always be together

But this will have to be something we both see together.

There is nothing in this world I wouldn't do for you

But no matter what happens, no matter what changes...

Xxxxxxxx, I will always love you.

September 6, 2007

I was hoping to catch some insight from someone by now. I have been lurking on these boards awhile and finally decided to post my story, hoping maybe someone can help.

I do realize I will get some people telling me to continue with NC, some will tell me its done and file for divorce and others might tell me good luck and not really anything else. Alot of the threads I have read seem to go this way. Some end good, some end not so good and some are still going on. I realize there is nothing anyone can say that will magically make her come back or that would tell me EXACTLY what to do to get her back.

I guess really what I am most confused about is this:

I have made changes. A lot of changes. She sees these changes and acknowledges them. She saw these changes before she moved out, yet she still chose to move out.

She has told me things in the past couple of months "I want to be with you forever" "i love you with all my heart" "Youre my soul mate" "I wouldnt leave you" yet she seems to get further and further away.

The main one was this (a few days before she moved out) "I still want to do things as a family - Going to the Zoo, Going out to dinner, maybe me and you can goto the movies". Since she has moved out, the contact between us has got less and less. I asked her to a movie the weekend after we got back from vacation and she never called me to follow up on. So I didnt mention anything else about it to her.

I feel like she is treating me like a middle school boyfriend. She is just ignoring me. But then she does things like this. She invited me over to her parents house for Labor Day dinner. I was also informed she wants me to come over for my birthday (which is on the 15th).

I am so confused.

September 7, 2007

LMDG,

Sorry to hear about your situation, I feel your pain. I read your thread yesterday but wasn't really sure what to tell you?? There are others with more experience and points of reference here who will hopefully chime in.

I'll give you my prospective, but one thing I've learned so far with my own experience is that no two situations are the same. There's no "one size fits all" for mending relationships.

Your wife has been hurt by you, she finally sought to fill her needs in the arms of another man. The choices you made in your marriage contributed to it's demise, but at the same time your wife made the choice to cheat.

From what I have seen and learned since my own personal experience there are two main schools of thought here.......................one of them is the tough love approach with possibly no contact, not really being there for your wife unless she wants to realize it takes two for things to work and if she's not willing it won't work. Secondly, you may try the unconditional love approach by trying to love your wife and be there for her no matter what.

Confuzed's thread is a good one to read, you may learn some by reading mine, here's the link:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t125202/

I've gone back and forth in my own situation. Most of the time, I have tried to show my wife unconditional love. It was emotionally very difficult...........sometimes I think it would be easier with NC so i would n't have to see her or interact as much. However, in my case, I have two kids who I take to school everyday, or she picks up every day, so total NC is not an option. Lately, I've just been trying to be a good friend, stop bringing up the past, accept my wife for who she is now. This past weekend we had a romantic encounter so I know her feelings for me are still there but there is a lot of hurt to get over so it will take time, even then there's no guarantee.

Your wife seems a bit standoffish to your invites. IMO, if you keep trying to get together with her, planning things, it might not be best for now. You may want to consider NC for awhile, or, limited phone conversation with no request by you for anything. One thing she probably doesn't want to feel is pressured by you so don't ask for any togetherness, don't expect anything. In the end, it will be your wife's decision on what she wants anyway, it's totally out of your control. You just need to focus on being the person she fell in love with, independent, in control of yourself, knowing what you want, kind, considerate.....etc....................don't kid yourself, this is tougher than hell much of the time. I've been separated from my wife for 2 1/2 months and last night (i'm without my kids this week and alone) looked at pictures of us from 2 years ago with my wife smiling and I ended up sobbing for about 1/2 hour.

That's been the toughest part for me, focusing on myself and doing things that I want. In my case, we were married 15 years and done EVERYTHING together so it's like I've lost my arms or legs and can't move. Anyway, it takes time but you have to learn how to be okay on your own. In the end, even if you two don't make it, you will be better off having gone through this painful exercise.

Maybe I missed it but do you have a plan as far as separation or divorce goes?

September 7, 2007

I will throw in, since I found out about the cheating, i have used my son as leverage and tried to blackmail my wife a couple of times saying I would take full custody of him and make sure she saw him very little, but this was when I was upset and angry. I would NEVER really do that, nor would I ever even try. I would not want to make our divorce a nasty one or hurt my wife and son. I love them both. I talk out of anger and hurt and I lose control. I have done this 3 times since the affair, the last time being this past weekend. I love her very much and I am sorry I told her that stuff.

I'm sorry, I felt bad for you until I got to this part.

Using your child as a weapon, no matter how angry you are, is wrong.

You are acting like a child doing this with your own child. Shame on you.

You are both immature and have alot of growing up to do.

September 7, 2007

LMDG,

Sorry to hear about your situation, I feel your pain. I read your thread yesterday but wasn't really sure what to tell you?? There are others with more experience and points of reference here who will hopefully chime in.

Anything is good right now. Advice is good, I guess. I told myself about 2 weeks ago I wouldnt take anyones advice anymore, but I am open for opinions. Whatever you want to call it - Advice? Opinions? I am open for any. Just like Confuzd, I will pick and choose the things that will suit me best and run with those.

I'll give you my prospective, but one thing I've learned so far with my own experience is that no two situations are the same. There's no "one size fits all" for mending relationships.

I realize this. I wish there was a book with my name and her name and ".. How to get you two back together", but there isnt.

Your wife has been hurt by you, she finally sought to fill her needs in the arms of another man. The choices you made in your marriage contributed to it's demise, but at the same time your wife made the choice to cheat.

I realize this. After I found out she cheated and we had calmed down, I asked her what she wanted from a Husband. I was pretty much on my way, but I think she had waited almost 5 years for that husband and 6 more months or a year to prove that to her wasnt enough time. Plus, I also had to get over the hurt of the cheating and my guilt for letting our marriage fall apart like that as I was trying to change. I knew it would take time, but she didnt give me enough.

From what I have seen and learned since my own personal experience there are two main schools of thought here.......................one of them is the tough love approach with possibly no contact, not really being there for your wife unless she wants to realize it takes two for things to work and if she's not willing it won't work.

I try this one, but because we have a son, I cave when i see her. To me she is so fragile and beatiful, I want to hug her and protect her. I want to be there for her and my heart beats fast and gets all warm when i see her. My eyes get watery because I am happy or sad, I am never sure which one. Once I see her, then I switch from No Contact to....

Secondly, you may try the unconditional love approach by trying to love your wife and be there for her no matter what.

This is when I tell her how I feel and how we can work, etc... I love her so much and sometimes I feel if I go too long without telling her, she will forget I do love her. I know deep down inside she really wont, but thats how I feel. I am so scared I will lose her, I want her to be reminded that she (and my son) are everything to me and the times we are apart, I feel like I am missing a part of me.

Confuzed's thread is a good one to read, you may learn some by reading mine, here's the link:
http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t125202/

His thread is the reason I decided to post. I hope he really does not stay away from the boards. I really want to hear more of his progress and enjoyed his (almost) daily updates.

I've gone back and forth in my own situation. Most of the time, I have tried to show my wife unconditional love. It was emotionally very difficult...........sometimes I think it would be easier with NC so i would n't have to see her or interact as much. However, in my case, I have two kids who I take to school everyday, or she picks up every day, so total NC is not an option. Lately, I've just been trying to be a good friend, stop bringing up the past, accept my wife for who she is now. This past weekend we had a romantic encounter so I know her feelings for me are still there but there is a lot of hurt to get over so it will take time, even then there's no guarantee.

You are lucky. My last intimate moment with my wife was when we were on vacation. It really wasnt even intimate. I gave her a massage and it led to sex. She wasnt really there. It made me sad. I really hope our last time to have sex isnt empty like that time was.

Your wife seems a bit standoffish to your invites. IMO, if you keep trying to get together with her, planning things, it might not be best for now. You may want to consider NC for awhile, or, limited phone conversation with no request by you for anything.

She doesnt even seem like she wants that. I am trying not to push the subject, but I really dont like that I can only see her and talk to her when she wants. I am so hungry for her attention, I do contact her back when she contacts me. Sometimes I dont want to, but I do. Most of the time its about our son, so i have to, but there have a been a couple of things I could have 'missed' the message, but I didnt.

One thing she probably doesn't want to feel is pressured by you so don't ask for any togetherness, don't expect anything. In the end, it will be your wife's decision on what she wants anyway, it's totally out of your control. You just need to focus on being the person she fell in love with, independent, in control of yourself, knowing what you want, kind, considerate.....etc....................don't kid yourself, this is tougher than hell much of the time. I've been separated from my wife for 2 1/2 months and last night (i'm without my kids this week and alone) looked at pictures of us from 2 years ago with my wife smiling and I ended up sobbing for about 1/2 hour.

I have been going through this now for the last month. I have been looking at old pictures and home videos of our family (ones I would have NEVER looked at before... sad, huh?) and I have been crying so much. I miss my wife. The nights I dont have my son, I miss him. When I do have him, I miss her not being there sharing my time with him. Not being able to laugh at the things he does like I am doing. I miss not folding laundry with her. I miss not feeling her cold feet when we are going to bed. I miss not having her warm lips pressed against mine.... I miss her so much.

That's been the toughest part for me, focusing on myself and doing things that I want. In my case, we were married 15 years and done EVERYTHING together so it's like I've lost my arms or legs and can't move. Anyway, it takes time but you have to learn how to be okay on your own. In the end, even if you two don't make it, you will be better off having gone through this painful exercise.

Hard to think I would be better off. Guess I dont really have anything more to say to that. Never could think of anyone that could make me feel 'better off'.

Maybe I missed it but do you have a plan as far as separation or divorce goes?

No plans. Divorce has came up, but it was brought up by me. I was angry or hurt when the topic did come up, so it always came up at the WRONG times. After I cool down and gain some self control, I tell her I am sorry and that I dont really want one. I will not do that again, though. All it does is make it 'easier' for her to realize she doesnt want to be with me when I act like that.

As for separation, we have no dead line. I would like to believe I have one in my head, but I dont. She wants her own apartment. I have offered her to have our house and a friend has offered me to move in with him for very cheap (way cheaper than her having her own place), but she turned it down. I also told her I would get a second job to pay for the bills at the house so she could use 'her' money to get her own apartment and she turned that down. I said I could sell the house and she says "I dont want you to do anything you dont want to". The next best thing is to wait until her brother's lease is up at his apartment and move in with me, but thats not until the end of may next year. She told me she would want to wait, but then this goes back to the "Dont believe all that you hear and only half that you see". The reason why i say that is because my friend said "If she REALLY wanted her own place, she wouldnt care how you came up with money to pay the bills at your house, she would have taken you up on the offer to get her own place by Oct. 1st. I dont think she really wants her own place. She thinks she does, but deep down inside, she is comfortable now at Mommy's and Daddy's place." He may be right. I dont know.

So as for a separation deadline, I really have no idea. I dont really feel like I can set one with her. It would do no good and pretty much push her away.

September 7, 2007

I'm sorry, I felt bad for you until I got to this part.

Using your child as a weapon, no matter how angry you are, is wrong.

You are acting like a child doing this with your own child. Shame on you.

You are both immature and have alot of growing up to do.

I realize I have some growing up to do. If you noticed, I had mentioned she was my first everything. Girlfriend, Lover, Wife... I have NO experience when it comes to taking care of someone. And with the few high school boyfriends she had and no REAL long term relationship, she doesnt really have experience either.

We both made huge mistakes. I realize that now and just because we are separated, doesnt mean I will not make more. This is all new to me too. I dont know the step by step to handling a separation and heart break. All i know is I would do anything to work this out with my wife and she has pretty much told me word for word "I dont want to work on our marriage anymore". It hurts that she would say that, but I dont think she will give up like that. I really believe that is hurtful things coming from her mouth like me saying what I would do about custody if we did get a divorce.

I am looking for a counselor now. If anything, I want to try and help myself. I will go to a few sessions and eventually invite my wife. If she shows up, good, if she doesnt, I will still be getting the help. I see that I really need it still, so I will do what I have to do to make myself a better person first and then a better husband second. If I lose my wife and the title of being her husband, atleast I still did it for myself and did it for myself before my marriage.

September 7, 2007

If only you had spent as much time and effort on your marriage as you had on pursuing this girl... hindsight is 20/20 but if you are to have any chance saving your marriage you will have to learn what is really means to be a man and FAST.

Sure you both were immature and really not equipted to handle being married but it seems like your wife supported you through some rough times and although there is absolutely no doubt she made mistakes as well as you, many many women when faced with a brick wall of a husband will turn to another man for the support, contact and affection they crave. I'm not excusing it it just seems to be a fact of life.

What I'm reading, even now, is that you seem to want to go back into "pursuit mode" the chasing and romancing that got you the girl in the first place; it still seems to be about how YOU feel, your desires and wants - its clear that you love her, what is not clear is if you have the strength of character, stablity, good-decision making capabilities, even tempered good sense and selflessness to keep your young family going.

Get some theory/join a support group regarding your addictions

Recognise that being a good husband involves understanding women (your woman) and start (as you have been) trying to read about what it takes to be a husband.

If it doesn't work out with your wife, your shoulders will be wide enough to carry the weight second time round.

I hate to be brutal but it seems that the cards are stacked against you here. Your wife was very young when she married and it seems to me the marriage itself didn't represent a whole lot of good times for her. In this type of situation women tend to wipe the dust of their feet and say good riddence. HOWEVER the invitations mean the following:

-She is finding it hard to completely cut you off.

-This means you have a tiny chance to get her back.

-You do not get her back by "romancing her" you will get her back by showing the qualities she was looking for in you when she married you.

-This is a very tiny window of opportunity it will close quickly within months.

-While the window is there she will give NO indication you have a chance - and speak only of divorce. Its not necessarily true.

What to do?

I'm sure NC is NOT the way to go. You ignored her plenty while you were married to her, I would think that you ignoring her now would pretty much be business as usual for her and keep her moving right on to divorce court.

See if you can talk her into delaying the divorce.

Start putting yourself together and start showing her (and yourself) you can be a fantatic father.

Start thinking (ask other women, ask online) about the qualities a woman looks for in a husband (patient, good provider, good communicator, understanding...etc) and start trying to display those qualities with the people around you - not just her.

Start going to marriage councellors alone, share some of what you are learning.

Make NO demands on her. Gifts and flowers will annoy her.

When she extends an invitation, take it but don't be clingy or needy or demanding or sexually aggressive.

Keep relations amicable for the sake of the children and try and be the best dad the world has ever seen...

After a while see if she will delay the divorce and join you in couples theorapy.

September 7, 2007

Hard to think I would be better off. Guess I dont really have anything more to say to that. Never could think of anyone that could make me feel 'better off'.

What I mean is that, down the road, not depending on whether or not you and your wife reconcile, you will be a stronger person and able to deal with these situations better than before you went through this, understand? Yes, it's painful..............hell, I continue to go through this myself wondering whether or not I'll be married next year at this time.................it's emotionally as rough as I've ever had it, however, I can say that this situation has forced me to take a hard look at myself and what it really takes to make me happy. My happiness should not be totally dependent on being with my wife. I need to be able to stand on my own two feet, with or without her. Please don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying this is easy and I"m not saying I'm there yet, but I hope to be in short order.

September 7, 2007

If only you had spent as much time and effort on your marriage as you had on pursuing this girl... hindsight is 20/20 but if you are to have any chance saving your marriage you will have to learn what is really means to be a man and FAST.

I am learning fast. besides the times I brought up the fact she had cheated, I was being the man I was supposed to be after March of this year. I know it took this long to figure it out, but my wife led me to believe she wanted to work it tout too. She chose to stay with me and I helped around the house, paid attention to her and my son, I did all the manly duties around the house I was meant to do and should have done from the beginning.

I was still have problems with the cheating, so it did come up sometimes. Not even really heated conversation, but I would ask questions or I would tell her I wanted to try something new when it comes to sex or whatever. I started focusing on sex alot. I know it was wrong. I know now I made a mistake, but other than those things, I DID become the man she wanted. She didnt complain and told me she loved the changes. I felt things were going good. I will explain when i started seeing changes in her down at the bottom of this post.

Sure you both were immature and really not equipted to handle being married but it seems like your wife supported you through some rough times and although there is absolutely no doubt she made mistakes as well as you, many many women when faced with a brick wall of a husband will turn to another man for the support, contact and affection they crave. I'm not excusing it it just seems to be a fact of life.

The thing is, my wife didnt communicate well what she wanted. I am not saying that I didnt do wrong, but I never got "Those games or me" I got "I hate those games you play"... The way I took that was "I hate those shoes you wear. I wont divorce you over them, but I hate them". Sounds silly now, I know. I kick myself for thinking about it like that then. Its one of those things I didnt understand about women that I do now.

What I'm reading, even now, is that you seem to want to go back into "pursuit mode" the chasing and romansing that got you the girl in the first place; it still seems to be about how YOU feel, your desires and wants - its clear that you love her, what is not clear is if you have the strength of character, stablity, good-decision making capabilities, even tempered good sense and selflessness to keep your young family going.

I would be lying if I didnt want to date her and pursue her again. As for the other things, let me break it down. I am going to think about this, so what may seem like seconds of reading for you was some time for me to think.

Strength of Character - I would like to believe I do have strength of character. I have had alot of hardships in my life. I dont know my real dad (being a highschool accident). I was abused physically and mentally when i was 6-10 years old by the woman dating the man (who I thought was my real dad). My mom has been married and divorced many times trying to find a better life for herself and me and my sisters. This is something I never wanted my son (or any other children I might have had) to go through. Even not knowing my real dad, my mom had one boyfriend that hurt me real bad that I didnt get to see him again. Now dont get me wrong, my current step dad is wonderful and has been in my life now for 15+ years. But divorce hurts, even if its not your real dad. I have learned alot of life lessons with money and traffic warrants and jail time because of these warrants. I have lived alone and nothing hurts more than that. I have been without my own place to stay and even lived at a friends house for 2 weeks with no food except very little peanut butter, raisins and some pancake syrup to eat. I would like to believe I have strength of character. I am willing to learn and make changes from the things I have learned. I feel like I am doing that now. I have learned a lot in the last month.

Stability - I have a great job and i KNOW what I want from life. I know what my goals are realistically and even what some of my dreams are that could come true, but I understand if they wont.

Good Decision Making Capabilities - This is something I am just now learning recently. Not only did I play video games, but I spent a lot of our money modifying my vehicles. Those were not good decisions. I realize that now. I mean, I knew it then, but I knew my wife wouldnt leave me. She loved me. Boy was I wrong. I have taken control of our bills now. I respect how hard we work for our money now and I do a much better job of making sure we have money. I really try not to waste money on stupid things. Even try not to waste it spoiling my son. I love buying him new toys.

I dont always make good decisions when I should talk to my wife or what i should say. That is proven by continually bringing up the fact she cheated or always talking about sex. Heck, even recently talking to her about how I would take our son from her. I was dumb. But just in the last few days, I learned how important self control is. I think that is a good decision in its self. I am still working on this stuff.

Even Tempered - This one is hard. My emotions and my feelings go up and down daily. One moment I am happy and 45 seconds later, I could be crying. I have a hard time controlling this. I try real hard. On top of that, I am one to act out of anger. Much like what has been brought up above, I acted out of hurt and anger and said things to my wife I shouldnt. It will not happen again. I will not let my anger control me and ruin what little hope is left of our marriage. I will approach this situation with a clear mind and a loving heart. I will not let my temper get the best of me.

Good Sense - I feel like I have this taken care of. Most of my choices (when not controlled by emotions) are based off of good sense. What I feed my son to what time I go to bed is based off of what is good sense. I am no kid anymore. I cannot go out and do stupid things and act childish... thats just not good sense. I love playing poker and was invited to a game tonight. So I could 1) ask my In-Laws to watch him (or my wife) and go or 2) take him with me. Both of those are not good sense especially since I asked to have him tonight. I will not let what I want over power what is good sense anymore.

Selflessness - I feel like anything you do can be turned back on someone to make it look like they have been selfish. Its kind of hard to be truly selfless. I used to go and get my wife special food from fast food places if I cooked something she didnt like or if she just wanted. Yes, I did it for her, but I did it for me too. I did it because I wanted her to be happy and her eating stuffed bell pepper was something she didnt want. It made me happy knowing she would like some Taco Bueno. So, in a way, I was doing something for myself and for her.

I would be lying if I said I didnt get some kind of enjoyment out of doing something totally selfless. I really do like doing things for her and my son and I dont benefit in no form or fashion. I have a way of making extra money here at work. I used some of that extra money I made and bought her season 3 of The Office on DVD this past tuesday. I got it for her because I had promised her I would get it for her before we had separated, so I didnt want to go back on that. Now, if we had been together, I could have watched those too. I would have benefited just as much as her, but since she is gone, no way did I benefit. I did it because I wanted her to have something I knew she wanted.

There have been many times I have played with her hair or rubbed her feet or back and didnt expect something in return. I could give alot of examples, but the ones of the past dont matter now. What matters is am I going to be selfless in the relationship now? Yes, I will be. More so than before. Now I will make sure I am happy too. This does not mean I will be her servant and only live for her, but I will also makes ure she is a top priority in my life and anything I do for her will not be because I expect anything in return. It will be because I love her. Plain and simple.

Get some theory/join a support group regarding your addictions
Recognise that being a good husband involves understanding women (your woman) and start (as you have been) trying to read about what it takes to be a husband.

I will be trying to find something in my church that might help me with marriage and women. I will also be going to a counselor soon. I really feel I need to learn to deal with emotions and such to make myself a better person for ME, then for my wife/marriage and for my son. Hopefully these 2 things will also help me be the husband I should be.

If it doesn't work out with your wife, your shoulders will be wide enough to carry the weight second time round.

I hope to God it does. I love her more than I could put into words.

I hate to be brutal but it seems that the cards are stacked against you here. Your wife was very young when she married and it seems to me the marriage itself didn't represent a whole lot of good times for her. In this type of situation women tend to wipe the dust of their feet and say good riddence.

This may be the case, but I also know that women (with children) when looking for men, tend to look for one that would be a great influence on their children. (My mom has told me this and is one of the reasons she has been with my step dad now for over 15 years). Who better a roll model and influence than the actual dad themselves? Especially if this dad has proven to be a better man than he was before. A better husband. A better lover. A better FRIEND.

I believe my wife needs to see these things. I know that us having no contact now does not allow her to see them, but the few times she does see me, she will sense changes. I know she will because she has 'sensed' things that have changed in my before. Plus, keep in mind, I spend alot of tim with her family and they will see them too.

Me and my wife may have had a bad past, but it doesnt mean thats our future. You dont buy a car to restore and make it all pretty on the outside where everyone can see how beautiful a car it is, but when you get to the motor and it just dont work, you end up putting an add in the paper to sell it. You keep trying so it runs perfect. Where its is a fully operational machine, inside and out. Right now, our outside is nice and clean. To most, we have a great marriage and dont know the stuff that goes on behind locked doors. But I am not ready to put an add in the paper. We are so close to geting the motor working that I cant give up now.

If, however you wife does have some feelings left for you (under the resentment and bitterness she is feeling right now) I'm not sure NC is the way to go. You ignored her plenty while you were married to her, I would think that you ignoring her now would pretty much be business as usual for her and keep her moving right on to divorce court.

Right now I think she does need a little space. She still sees me at times when I pick up and drop off my son. I think she needs time to think about us and handle her own demons right now. She has told me before she hstill has things she cant talk to me (and I doubt she would ever tell anyone else) and until those are taken care of, I think she needs to be alone. She invited me over this past Monday to her parents for Labor Day dinner. She invited me over for my birthday on the 15th. She has not broke off all contact, but it can only be on her time right now and I respect that.

See if you can talk her into delaying the divorce and going to marriage councellors with you. Start going yourself and invite her along. If there's any chance then she might agree. If no, you are going to have to do what we all do with mistakes and failure, mark this to experience, keep relations amicable for the sake of the children and try and be the best dad the world has ever seen...

The divorce has been delayed. I was the retard that kept bringing it up. I told her I wouldnt do it anymore, that I just wanted to give it some time. She does too. She does not want to regret leaving me and breaking up our family. I do not want toregret being the one the kept bringing it up and pushing her away. I will not mention it again.

I will be going to counseling. I am trying to find one I can afford and I will invite my wife after I have gone a few times. I am not sure if she will go. She has told me she doesnt want to work on the marriage anymore and that a counselor wouldnt help. She cannot know that for sure, but she has to want to heal the marriage most of all to end up going anyways.

I will explain when i started seeing changes in her down at the bottom of this post.

My wife got a new job back in March. Since she has been there, she has made alot of Job friends, but none she has hung out with outside of work until about mid June. This is when I started noticing changes. The woman she hangs out with is divorced and recently separated from her new fiance. She likes to drink and have parties and pretty much acts like a single woman. I do not blame this woman for my wife's changes, but I find it odd that she had these changes come about when she started hanging out with her. My wife is very beautiful and sometimes I am affraid my wife is used as 'bait' when they go out. This woman is in her forties and isnt the most attractive according to my wife, but she thinks she is God's gift to men. I do not know the woman and cannot judge, but she has her own problems and some how got my wife to help her. She has used my wife's phone when she didnt have one and even asked for us to add a phone to our cell phone plan so she could have one. She asks my wife for rides constantly and even to take her to the doctor. It bothers me that this happens and I feel like my wife has become a friend of conveinence, but there is nothing I can do. especially now.

I may be completely wrong about this woman. Again, I dont know her and cannot judge. All I know is what my wife has told me in the past and what I saw while we were together.

September 7, 2007

LMDG:

Though you have made mistakes in this marriage (we all have) her cheating on you was totally out of line. Has she really felt remorse or apologized for this? Or has she used excuses or try to reason her way through it? The lack of communication between you two is the starting block to alot of the problems you have now.

It seems like alot of words were spoken out of emotion which is never good. We often say and do things that we truly don't mean when we are in the heat of the moment. We have to realize when we are in those moments and bite our tongues until we can think up of a way to try to get our point across better. However for this to be truly effective both in the relationship need to communicate better, not just one.

Right now she is not sure what she wants, however just giving her 'time and space' is not going to solve the issue. I'm glad you are working on yourself, but remember to do this for yourself, not the marriage or her. If she comes back great, if she doesn't then by all means continue to improve yourself.

Don't take all the blame in this relationship. She is just as guilty (if not worse) than you. It seems like you have place your own self-worth into her and her family. So if you lose her, like you said you also lose her family and even yourself. Pull that self-worth out from her, if she does decide to divorce you will still be living, you will still have happiness in your future.

IMO I believe you should get into individual counseling and mention to her that you are going and to invite her. If she refuses, that's fine, give her time to warm up to that. However make it known to her that you will not allow yourself to be disrespected or to be dragged through the mud. The affiar is a HUGE issue and her not wanting to talk about it is very immature on her part.

When they talk about marriage being 100/100 is on everything. I often find that men who treat their women like princesses and continue to do so even when they get nothing in returned, that they are doomed. They become disrespected and thus even try harder to please. They eventually become a whipping boy and things that should be appreciated are just expected of them. Men are particulary known for this and usually starts in the very beginning of the relationship to 'win the girl' sort of speak. I have made this mistake myself and when you try to make adjustments then problems usually start.

Your wife wants to go out and live the single life then let her. However let her know that you are moving on with your own life. Open up that cage door as much as possible, even though it may hurt. This is the only thing that is going to 'wake her up'. Don't let her have her fun and living this pretend family life as well. Don't be there at her beck and call all the time. Don't be the first to say 'I love you'. Don't be there everytime she calls or texts. She already knows you love her, you don't need to stress that point anymore, what she needs to know is that there is a good possibility of her losing you by what she is doing.

This isn't so much about getting her back but more so in finding a resolution to all of this. It's so that you can either move on in your life with her or someone else.

September 7, 2007

jmargel, I will respond to you a little later tonight. I am busy at work, so do not have time to give your post the time it needs.

I am posting because one thing my wife left out that I am most curious about (and really dont understand, especially on how she acts) is this:

She has told me numerous times "This is not your fault. Its not you, its me." If that is the case, then why does she choose to ignore me? Why does she not want to be around me? If it is her and not me, then why can I not comfort her and be there for her? I know I cannot fix 'it', but I would like to be there to help her when I can.

September 7, 2007

I am so excited. My wife said she would like to go to a movie with me this Sunday. I know this means she is not getting back with me, but its a small step and really excites me.

September 8, 2007

LMDG:

Though you have made mistakes in this marriage (we all have) her cheating on you was totally out of line. Has she really felt remorse or apologized for this? Or has she used excuses or try to reason her way through it? The lack of communication between you two is the starting block to alot of the problems you have now.

There was one day when we were sitting and watching TV, we werent really watching it, we were watching our son more. We both had been quiet for about 3 or 4 minutes. We had not talked about the cheating for about 2 or 3 days and she looks up at me and says "You know I am sorry, right?" I knew what she was talking about, but still wanted to hear it from her, so I said "Sorry for what?" and she replied "I am sorry for what I did." It was that moment that i knew she was sorry. She had said it before, but it was always like she was sorry she got caught or sorry because she was supposed to be, but that moment, it was a real 'Sorry'.

As for our communication problems, i think we both realize that we have an issue, but at this time, I think we feel (her more than me, i am guessing) "Whats the point?" We need to be friends again and learn how to communicate again. We used to be able to do that, but mainly because we were good friends. She was my best friend.

It seems like alot of words were spoken out of emotion which is never good. We often say and do things that we truly don't mean when we are in the heat of the moment. We have to realize when we are in those moments and bite our tongues until we can think up of a way to try to get our point across better. However for this to be truly effective both in the relationship need to communicate better, not just one.

She is strong and able to hold her tongue for the most part. I am the one that quickly flies off the handle, letting my toungue release all the verbal bile before my mind has a chance to react. This is something I will truly be working on. I do not want to say things like this anymore. Ever. Especially now, since all it will do is make it easier for my wife realize she does not want to be with me.

Right now she is not sure what she wants, however just giving her 'time and space' is not going to solve the issue. I'm glad you are working on yourself, but remember to do this for yourself, not the marriage or her. If she comes back great, if she doesn't then by all means continue to improve yourself.

Well, I would be lying if i wasnt doing it for the marriage, but I also know this is for better improvement of myself. As for which one comes first, I dont think it matters. If i benefit from it, great. if my marriage benefits from it, even better. Either way, its Win/Win.

Don't take all the blame in this relationship. She is just as guilty (if not worse) than you. It seems like you have place your own self-worth into her and her family. So if you lose her, like you said you also lose her family and even yourself. Pull that self-worth out from her, if she does decide to divorce you will still be living, you will still have happiness in your future.

I do not take blame, but I have my guilt. Not sure if they are two different things. I dont think what has happened is all my fault. I feel guilty for what i did though.

As for her family, I still worry. I love them so much. They have been great people to me. It will be very hard on me if we were to get a divorce. I will feel I am losing alot.

IMO I believe you should get into individual counseling and mention to her that you are going and to invite her. If she refuses, that's fine, give her time to warm up to that. However make it known to her that you will not allow yourself to be disrespected or to be dragged through the mud. The affiar is a HUGE issue and her not wanting to talk about it is very immature on her part.

I will be preparing for counseling next week. I have mentioned my plans ina post above, so i will not retype everything, but I will surely invite my wife too... after a little bit of time.

As for the affair, we have talked. i got alot of details i kind of wish i didnt know now. We talked alot about it in the beginning. I think now its not as important as I thought it was. It means nothing in the big picture. I love my wife. It was a mistake, just like me ignoring her, spending money we should have been saving and over all, neglecting my family.

When they talk about marriage being 100/100 is on everything. I often find that men who treat their women like princesses and continue to do so even when they get nothing in returned, that they are doomed. They become disrespected and thus even try harder to please. They eventually become a whipping boy and things that should be appreciated are just expected of them. Men are particulary known for this and usually starts in the very beginning of the relationship to 'win the girl' sort of speak. I have made this mistake myself and when you try to make adjustments then problems usually start.

This is soemthing I have learned. I think my wife has realized this too. I did have her on a throne. I did do alot of things for her she learned to expect. I think this experience has taught her and myself alot. We have things to work on and this will make her more independant and it has taught me that my wife doesnt need me for everything, nor does she always need to be pampered.

Your wife wants to go out and live the single life then let her. However let her know that you are moving on with your own life. Open up that cage door as much as possible, even though it may hurt. This is the only thing that is going to 'wake her up'. Don't let her have her fun and living this pretend family life as well. Don't be there at her beck and call all the time. Don't be the first to say 'I love you'. Don't be there everytime she calls or texts. She already knows you love her, you don't need to stress that point anymore, what she needs to know is that there is a good possibility of her losing you by what she is doing.

This will be hard because I am hungry for her attention, but I will do my best not to be doing those things for her all the time. it doesnt happen much right now, but I have a feeling it will pick up.

This isn't so much about getting her back but more so in finding a resolution to all of this. It's so that you can either move on in your life with her or someone else.

So true. And honestly, its what i want the most. some sort of resolution. I hope it ends with her in my life, but if it doesnt, its better than guessing each day what is mean to be beween us.

September 10, 2007

So, yesterday went well.

I woke up at 7 to get ready for church and ended up getting to church at 8:30. My Mother-In-Law arrived at 8:45 right when service started. The message was great, basically talking about Abraham's want for a son, but everything came in God's time. Anytime God is asked "When / Where / Why / etc..", God pretty much responds "You will know when". Abraham wanted a son and God made a pact with him to show him he promised he would get his son. Abraham had laid out cut animals into two parallel lines (this as a common way a pact would be made back then. One person would walk between them and they would 'promise' they would do what they said or shall they be cut like these animals) and God ended up 'walking' between them. But before this, the pastor had talked about how Abraham had to fight off the buzzards before God had 'arrived'. It was hard for him to do this, but he was persistant.

After church was over, me and my mother-in-law were walking out and she asked me if I learned anything. I told her I did and it was kind of soemthing I had already knew. I told her it was hard 'fighting off the buzzards". She then said "What I am about to tell you will probably make me cry, but I want you to know that you are becoming the type man I had always hoped my daughter would marry. You are becoming a strong spiritual leader in your house, for your son, your wife and yourself. I love you very much and I do not think you and Courtney will end. She will eventually see what she has and will return to you with a loving heart." My mother-in-law has never said anything about us until now. She has stayed very quiet and I was very surprised to hear her say something like that. It made me feel very good and made my already good day better.

After I got home, I went to the gym for a little bit and then came home and mowed the lawn. My wife had sent me a text message when I was outside asking when we wanted to goto the movies. I sent one back telling her I didnt mind, whatever was good for her parents. She sent one back telling me a time and I told her I was busy (trying to clean up and finish the lawn) and I would contact her in an hour. I ended up telling her I would meet at her parents house at 3.

When I arrived, I sat and talked her parents for a little bit. I talkd to her and played with my son. She told me since the movie was starting so late, we could goto the store first for some food I needed. We went there and I figured we would run in real quick, but she ended up looking at some pants and toys for my son, then we got my food and she asked if I needed anything else. I told her I didnt and she started suggesting stuff like cereal and fruit and such. She started walking up and down the isles. When i got a couple of more things, I told her I was done and she said "I need to get me some snacks to take to work.", so then we went and looked for that stuff. What should have taken 15 minutes, ended up taking almost 45 minutes. I didnt mind, I loved spending the time with her. On top of that, she talked alot, initiating contact with me and keeping the conversation going.

When we left, we ran by my house and dropped off the items. Then we went and dropped off my son and headed to the theatre. She was very friend the whole time. It was making things very easy on me because I was afraid I would have to be the one to keep conversation alive. She was doing a fine job of it on her own. We ended up watching Superbad and as we were waiting for it to start, she talked about her job and the fw times she had gone out. She talked about her moving into her Brother's place to take care of it while he is gone (His new job makes him gone one week and home one week, so she is helping him so he doesnt have to get rid of his dog). She talked about the money she will be making after her department was restructured. We talked about alot. The movie started and she laughed alot and so did I. While the movie was playing, I noticed out of the corner of my eye that she was looking at me alot. It made me feel good. The theatre was cold and I could tell she was uncomfortable, but I didnt do anything to warm her up. I left her alone. I dont know if she wanted me to, but I didnt.

After the movie was over, we had about 15 minutes until Big Brother came on. I had enough time to get her back to her parents, but not enough for me to get back to my place. She invited me to stay at her parents house and watch it. After the show was supposed to start, we realized the football game had ran over, which made 20/20 run over, so I had about 25 minutes to get home (more than enough time). She said that they were going to be watching it, so I was more than welcome to stay and watch it with them. After about 15 minutes, I suggested again I should leave and she said I should stay. So I did.

As I was watching Big brother, about 30 minutes through the show, I noticed my wife was looking at me. When I caught her doing this, she quickly looked away. So, I started looking at her too. Everytime she made eye contact, she would look away. After about 10 minutes of this, I was looking at her and slightly puckered my lips. She noticed and looked at me this time without looking away. She got almost a sad look on her face and finally looked away. It made me a little sad, so I didnt look at her anymore.

When it was time for me to leave, I was really starting to miss her. I was sad I had to leave her and was also sad I could not tell her I loved her or could kiss her. I was not very happy when I left, but was not mean at all. I said bye and walked out the door. Later that night, i called my mother in law and told her it was hard fighting off the buzzards. It is. its very hard, but I was strong. I was angry, sad and lonely last night. I wanted to call my wife, but I didnt. I prayed for strength. Then I went to bed.

This morning, when I woke up, I was feeling better again. I remembered what my mother-in-law said what I had heard in church. I remembered that i kept telling myself I just wanted to be my wife;s friend again and how much fun I did have with her yesterday and it really made me feel much better.

I really miss my wife, but I still have hope left. I am going to work towards that.

September 11, 2007

Glad to hear you had a nice time with your wife. My wife and I went through something similar about a week ago and this past week I have just tried to be her friend, let her do the contacting (which she has been doing) and I would encourage you to do the same.

One thing though, everyone's situation is different. If i were you, I would totally let her initiate any physical contact and let her contact you. This is hard, trust me, I know as I'm going through the same thing. When my wife does contact me, I'm very friendly but never expect anything more than conversation. it's hard not to get your hopes up but this way, if something does happen, it's unexpected and a nice surprice, rather than getting your hopes up then getting let down. Plus, I do think it helps for your wife to see you strong and not "clingy" as I've heard so many times during a separation.

Best of luck.

September 12, 2007

Hey LMD,

I'm not sure why I decided to browse the pages, guess old habits are hard to break, I noticed mike posted on your thread and I just wanted to read up on what he had to say, He is a great person to take advice from (hey mike sorry I didn't thank you when I left, It totally slipped my mind).

Well I read your thread, and I appreciate your interest in my posts, this is the real reason why I continued to post, because maybe someone like you could take something from it. whether it be what to do or what not to do.

I can empathize with you greatly, I was very young when I got married as well, but my wife is 3 years older. I was 19 and she was 23 now I will be 29 next month and she is 32.

Im sorry to see that you lost your way, it sounded like you had the story book marriage (I didn't it was justice of the peace) and somewhere along the line you forgot to invest in your marriage.

You have been given alot of great advice, reckless is spot on with her recommendations. Plus you have read divorce busitng, I would recommend picking up divorce rescue, it is more of a practical manual for you to follow, but you definitely should know what to do since you read DB. It definitely seemed like you have had a had time following it at first but now you are getting the hang of things.

Counseling is always a good thing, and JMargel was right by making the changes for yourself, although it may seem like your making them for her since she is the one that ignited you to make the change, ultimately you are changing for yourself because you now see what a lame husband you have been (I was too so no hard feelings).

I will definitely say that you have a fighting chance here, it is not an easy road but I have seen the way wives act when they are through, and it is not going to movies, and watching T.V together. Oh yeah by the way Super Bad was hilarious.

not hugging your wife when you get the urge, or kissing her, or telling her how much you love her is the hardest thing to do right now beleive me I know, I have reached a point (which because of you, I will share in my thread) I am able to do a little more sharing of my feeling than I used to. A time will come when you can do these things again but that time is not now.

The problem is that you want to do these things to make yourself feel better, she already knows you love her, you have told her this all her life. She knows you want to hug her, and kiss her and all that good stuff, but she also knows you are doing it because you want to fill your needs, you need to focus on her needs, which is just understanding, respect, and space.

Space meaning not pursuing, not NC. You have to find out what your 180 is, it sounds like it may be paying her a little more undivided attention (when she asks for it) showing some interest in her and showing her not telling her (when the opportunity arises which will be her decision) that she is more important than video games.

For me I was not really the pursuer when we first courted, my wife approached me and showed interest, asked my name etc. I was always the confident, get anywoman attitude type of macho guy. So I will always be viewed this way, even though I have severely showed weakness my wife has expressed to me that she does not see me as being a weak man but rather that I am actually human and do have emotions, and vulnerability.

Jmargel made a point that women don't like weak men and that this normally shows at first meeting, this couldn't be more true. I beleive that if you start off as a weak man you will always be seen as a weak man and if you try to be strong you willl be viewed as a weak man trying to act strong. I was always very strong, and I think you where as well or else your wife probably wouldn't have been attracted to you in the first place.

It is okay to show that you have a sensitive side, but you have already done that just try to regain your strength and be the man she fell in love with.

Im glad you have hope and determination, these are essential traits for the journey you are about to undergo. You will come to points where they will be tested, just remember what the book says. Before you open your mouth to say anything think about what the purpose is of what you are going to say, and whether or not saying it will bring you closer together. If the answer is no then don't say it.

you have a chance to save your marriage and your family, and I think you know this as well as her mother. Make sure you learn from this mistake and always remember not to fall into the same trap again in the future.

As far as her infidelity goes, I know this is tough, very tough. There is nothing that can be said that will take the pain away or that will make what she did right. I think you already realize this. What I told my counselor when me and my wife went to marriage counseling earlier this week was that I understood that her cheating was not my fault and that it was wrong but that "I Understand" and because I understand I am able to forgive.

It doesn't mean you agree with it, or even like, but I think you can understand why it happened. If not I doubt you would be able to forgive the way you have, and by the way if you are going to forgive you really have to forgive, which means letting it go and moving forward. I never let it go when my wife cheated on me, and I used it against her all the time and probably made her life more miserable then before she cheated.

She apologized, changed her number cut off all contact, but I never let it go, and never passed up an opportunity to throw it in her face. You would think I would've learned the first time. Well after two more years of my B.S. my wife finally left me and met some one else.

Don't know why I didn't learn the first time but now I finally got it. So I have alot of work to do to show my changes but it is worth it to me. that is the biggest question you have to ask, Is it worth it to you? It doesn't matter whether it would be worth it to anyone else or what anyone else thinks about your relationship, it has to be worth it to you and you have to be able to accept it and live with your decisions.

stay strong keep us posted, im rooting for ya.

confuzd

September 12, 2007

Glad to hear you had a nice time with your wife. My wife and I went through something similar about a week ago and this past week I have just tried to be her friend, let her do the contacting (which she has been doing) and I would encourage you to do the same.

That is pretty much what i have been doing. It has been very hard, though. I guess the worst for me is when I have to leave her parents house and she is there. I HATE leaving her, knowing I am going back to my house alone. What is even worse, I cannot tell her I love her or kiss her or hug her. It cuts to the bone.

One thing though, everyone's situation is different. If i were you, I would totally let her initiate any physical contact and let her contact you. This is hard, trust me, I know as I'm going through the same thing. When my wife does contact me, I'm very friendly but never expect anything more than conversation. it's hard not to get your hopes up but this way, if something does happen, it's unexpected and a nice surprice, rather than getting your hopes up then getting let down. Plus, I do think it helps for your wife to see you strong and not "clingy" as I've heard so many times during a separation.

Best of luck.

My wife is not to the point where she contacts me out of the blue. She only sends me messages when it has to do with our son or if I am invited to her parents for dinner. She does not randomly talk to me.

As for getting my hopes up, I am really trying hard not to expect anything. Like this Saturday is my 30th birthday. I really do not expect anything from her. She has agreed to go out with me and do a few things, but I have not decided if I want to go with her or not. It bothers me that I have to 'ask' for my wife's attention on my birthday. Because of this, I almost do not want her to do anything with me even if she would.

I know I should not be thinking like that. A friend would not think that about another friend, but it makes me sad I am spending my 30th birthday away from my wife.

September 12, 2007

Hey LMD,

I'm not sure why I decided to browse the pages, guess old habits are hard to break, I noticed mike posted on your thread and I just wanted to read up on what he had to say, He is a great person to take advice from (hey mike sorry I didn't thank you when I left, It totally slipped my mind).

You seem to have good advice too. I have noticed you ventured into other's threads and you gave good advice.

Well I read your thread, and I appreciate your interest in my posts, this is the real reason why I continued to post, because maybe someone like you could take something from it. whether it be what to do or what not to do.

Alot of what you do is what I would probably do too. I am very loyal (even though sometimes I may not show it). My wife and my son have this kind of devotion that would stretch from here to the end of time. I cannot give up on her, just like I can tell you did not give up on your wife.

I can empathize with you greatly, I was very young when I got married as well, but my wife is 3 years older. I was 19 and she was 23 now I will be 29 next month and she is 32.

I find that your wife, being in her thirties, acting like this a bit strange. Most of what I have read and heard, it usually happens to women around 24 to 26 years old.

As for you being a year younger than me, I think you are handling this quite well. I think you are handling it much better than I would, actually.

Im sorry to see that you lost your way, it sounded like you had the story book marriage (I didn't it was justice of the peace) and somewhere along the line you forgot to invest in your marriage.

Yeah, sometimes my relationship with my wife seemed so perfect that there was nothing that could mess us up. Probably one of the reasons I acted like I did and took her for granted.

You have been given alot of great advice, reckless is spot on with her recommendations. Plus you have read divorce busitng, I would recommend picking up divorce rescue, it is more of a practical manual for you to follow, but you definitely should know what to do since you read DB. It definitely seemed like you have had a had time following it at first but now you are getting the hang of things.

I hope so. Lets just hope its not too late. A female friend of mine, that is a year older than me, read this thread and told me she was surprised my wife didnt leave sooner and really surprised she still talks to me. She said I did some pretty bad things, especially trying to hold my son over her head to get her to do what i wanted. I feel bad for that and have learned from it amongst other things. I am really trying hard to be the better person I want to be and need to be.

Counseling is always a good thing, and JMargel was right by making the changes for yourself, although it may seem like your making them for her since she is the one that ignited you to make the change, ultimately you are changing for yourself because you now see what a lame husband you have been (I was too so no hard feelings).

I know I need to go for myself. I would like for my wife to go, but she has not shown me she would go yet and I am afraid that she will probably choose not to go even if we reconcile. I think we do need to go. The few times, in the beginning, it did feel like it was helping, but then we stopped going thinking we were ok... we werent.

I will definitely say that you have a fighting chance here, it is not an easy road but I have seen the way wives act when they are through, and it is not going to movies, and watching T.V together. Oh yeah by the way Super Bad was hilarious.

Well, I am fighting, thats for darn sure. Sometimes it worries me that her just being friends is that and that only. She wants our son to see we can get along. I hope not, I want more.

""Should we run?"" ""YES"" - good movie.

not hugging your wife when you get the urge, or kissing her, or telling her how much you love her is the hardest thing to do right now beleive me I know, I have reached a point (which because of you, I will share in my thread) I am able to do a little more sharing of my feeling than I used to. A time will come when you can do these things again but that time is not now.

Yeah, but what I wouldnt give to have that. So many small things I miss from her I didnt even know I could miss.

The problem is that you want to do these things to make yourself feel better, she already knows you love her, you have told her this all her life. She knows you want to hug her, and kiss her and all that good stuff, but she also knows you are doing it because you want to fill your needs, you need to focus on her needs, which is just understanding, respect, and space.

You are right. It is things that would make me feel better. I would like to think they would make her feel better, but I know they wouldnt. Atleast not now. I do realize I cannot be thinking about me. I know I need to be thinking about her and my son. I am trying very hard. Even on my birthday, it will be about them... not me.

Space meaning not pursuing, not NC. You have to find out what your 180 is, it sounds like it may be paying her a little more undivided attention (when she asks for it) showing some interest in her and showing her not telling her (when the opportunity arises which will be her decision) that she is more important than video games.

Would love to give that attention to her, but she is not really asking for it. I really am trying to give her what she wants, the thing is, she had that for 4 months after the cheating. She is the one that decided she really didnt want it and moved on and out. So, I am very confused as to what I should be doing. I dont think me trying to get her to miss me will work as well as I would like, especially since she wants to be out on her own. If we could afford for her to have her own place right now without truly hurting us, she would probably have one.

As for the video games, I play them now because they help me from thinking about her 24/7, but when she wants my attention or decides to come back, they are out the door.

For me I was not really the pursuer when we first courted, my wife approached me and showed interest, asked my name etc. I was always the confident, get anywoman attitude type of macho guy. So I will always be viewed this way, even though I have severely showed weakness my wife has expressed to me that she does not see me as being a weak man but rather that I am actually human and do have emotions, and vulnerability.

I always chased my wife. She hardly chased after me. Heck, probably none at all. I have always thought of myself as being a strong person, but this situation - my world coming to an end - it has worn me thin. It has made me weak and I would do anything to hold on to it, so even the cry-baby version of me came out to have its go at it. I want to be strong again and I actually think I am back on track to get that. I feel good when i wake up and I dont cry like I used to. The thought of her makes me sad, but not that she is long gone, just that I miss her and she will eventually be back.

Jmargel made a point that women don't like weak men and that this normally shows at first meeting, this couldn't be more true. I beleive that if you start off as a weak man you will always be seen as a weak man and if you try to be strong you willl be viewed as a weak man trying to act strong. I was always very strong, and I think you where as well or else your wife probably wouldn't have been attracted to you in the first place.

Yeah, I was. She saw me survive alot of hardships like a trooper. Even my quest to get her, I had to be strong. This is one of the toughest, but I will come out of it strong. She would be blind not to see.

It is okay to show that you have a sensitive side, but you have already done that just try to regain your strength and be the man she fell in love with.

Sometimes I dont understand women. They want a sensitive man, but when they push one to tears, they want you to quit being a baby and be a man.... go figure.

Im glad you have hope and determination, these are essential traits for the journey you are about to undergo. You will come to points where they will be tested, just remember what the book says. Before you open your mouth to say anything think about what the purpose is of what you are going to say, and whether or not saying it will bring you closer together. If the answer is no then don't say it.

This is so important. I put it in bold because ANYONE else reading this thread, make sure you pay attention to this. This advice is GOLDEN! I should have learned this a long time ago and may be one reason my wife left. I still said things about the fact that she cheated when I was supposed to have already forgiven her. Never again will I speak (or text) without thinking about what I am going to say long and hard.

you have a chance to save your marriage and your family, and I think you know this as well as her mother. Make sure you learn from this mistake and always remember not to fall into the same trap again in the future.

I will not. HUGE life lesson learned. I will not let this stuff happen again.

As far as her infidelity goes, I know this is tough, very tough. There is nothing that can be said that will take the pain away or that will make what she did right. I think you already realize this. What I told my counselor when me and my wife went to marriage counseling earlier this week was that I understood that her cheating was not my fault and that it was wrong but that "I Understand" and because I understand I am able to forgive.

It doesn't mean you agree with it, or even like, but I think you can understand why it happened. If not I doubt you would be able to forgive the way you have, and by the way if you are going to forgive you really have to forgive, which means letting it go and moving forward. I never let it go when my wife cheated on me, and I used it against her all the time and probably made her life more miserable then before she cheated.

She apologized, changed her number cut off all contact, but I never let it go, and never passed up an opportunity to throw it in her face. You would think I would've learned the first time. Well after two more years of my B.S. my wife finally left me and met some one else.

Like I just mentioned above, I did it too. I made ALOT of mistakes when it came to reacting to her cheating. I was told to shut up and act like it didnt happen and I did not. I made matters worst and reminded her of her mistake. Never again.

Don't know why I didn't learn the first time but now I finally got it. So I have alot of work to do to show my changes but it is worth it to me. that is the biggest question you have to ask, Is it worth it to you? It doesn't matter whether it would be worth it to anyone else or what anyone else thinks about your relationship, it has to be worth it to you and you have to be able to accept it and live with your decisions.

My marriage is worth it. I wouldnt be fighting like I am if it wasnt. I love my wife very much and pray for the day she returns to my arms as my other half. I cannot wait.

stay strong keep us posted, im rooting for ya.

confuzd

Thanks man.

September 13, 2007

I find that your wife, being in her thirties, acting like this a bit strange. Most of what I have read and heard, it usually happens to women around 24 to 26 years old.

actually I beleive my wife hit a midlife crisis which can happen at almost anytime, as early as their twenties up til god knows when. It's actually very common.

As for you being a year younger than me, I think you are handling this quite well. I think you are handling it much better than I would, actually.

sorry didn't know how old you where thought you were real young, guess im the baby around here.

I hope so. Lets just hope its not too late. A female friend of mine, that is a year older than me, read this thread and told me she was surprised my wife didnt leave sooner and really surprised she still talks to me.

kind of makes you wonder doesn't it, why is she still talking to you.

Well, I am fighting, thats for darn sure. Sometimes it worries me that her just being friends is that and that only. She wants our son to see we can get along. I hope not, I want more.

This is always a big fear of guys, the fear of falling into that "Friendship trap" almost every wife wishes their husband was their best friend, they want a man to be their lover, protector, supporter, provider, hunter, gatherer, you get the picture. It is not a bad thing that your wife wants your friendship, that's how relationships start. You really need to embrace that and be her best friend. If you guys have been arguing alot in your marriage I think it is a great thing for your son to see you two get along.

you should stop reading into stuff, and be her friend and set a good example for your son, this will give you the best chance of her falling in love with you again.

My wife told the MC that she loved that I was such a good father, provider, etc. Show your wife you are all these things again, but in the same respect rember what I said about space. don't push these things on her just show her when she affords you the opportunity.

Would love to give that attention to her, but she is not really asking for it. I really am trying to give her what she wants, the thing is, she had that for 4 months after the cheating. She is the one that decided she really didnt want it and moved on and out. So, I am very confused as to what I should be doing. I dont think me trying to get her to miss me will work as well as I would like, especially since she wants to be out on her own. If we could afford for her to have her own place right now without truly hurting us, she would probably have one.

why don't you think her missing you will work, is it because she wants to move out on her own. You have to understand that "of course" she wants to move out on her own, why would she want to be with you. I am just playing devil's advocate so you can kind of see things from her side. You have neglected her needs, playing video games, being pretty harsh with words, taking her for granted, and maybe not respecting her as you should've. Why would she want to stay?

let her miss you, I know it doesn't feel right, and goes against everything you are trying to achieve which is hold on to her as tight as you can. But the tighter you hold the more she will try to break away. Give her space and time, and allow her to come back on her own, influence her through your actions not your controlling behavior.

As for the video games, I play them now because they help me from thinking about her 24/7, but when she wants my attention or decides to come back, they are out the door.

NO, NO, NO, I would take every video game you own and give them to a kid that doesn't have a wife. Yes you need to show her that you can have a life with out her, get a hobby, go to movies with friends, join a underwater basket weaving club. Anything but video games, if she knows you are still playing video games she will realize you haven't really changed.

remember 180 video games are definitely not a 180 for you, a 180 for you seems like maybe getting a life like I described above, do something she would never expect you to do, something interesting. I bought a motorcycle.

you have to break the habits that pushed her away, if you are still playing vido games, but say you will stop when she comes around you are not changing for yourself but for her, and she will see this as clear as day. She will see this as you not really wanting to give up video games.

I know this for a fact because my wife told me the same thing, one of her problems was me going out to the club. I didn't go all the time but enough to make her uncomfortable, Well guess what I still go, because hell I'm single now right. Well yeah and no, I told my wife that I would stop going when we were working on getting together again. She said that it shows that I really want to go to the club, and don't really want to change.

The truth is I don't really enjoy going, all I do is think of her when Im there anyways. I may still go every so often but I do other stuff to keep me busy now.

Change for yourself not on the condition that she will come back.

Sometimes I dont understand women. They want a sensitive man, but when they push one to tears, they want you to quit being a baby and be a man.... go figure.

true and false, They want a sensitive man when everything else is in place. They want a strong, independent, confident man. This is the definition of a man right. So when they refer to a man this is what they are referring to a man with these traits. and when they say they want a sensitive man they mean a man as I have described that is also sensitive as well. Make sense.

My marriage is worth it. I wouldnt be fighting like I am if it wasnt. I love my wife very much and pray for the day she returns to my arms as my other half. I cannot wait.

I pray alot, but don't only pray for her return pray for god to give her strength, wisdom, and the desire to love you again. And for you to have the strength to be there for her through this journey.

confuzd

September 14, 2007

Last night I went to my In-Law's house to pick up my son and my wife was there (which was surprising since she works late hours on Thurs.). She was wearing her same bed clothes she was wearing when i dropped off my son that morning. I asked her why she was there and she said she took a sick day. I asked her if she was ok and she said she was, jus wanted to use her sick days before the end of the year since she doesnt get credit for them and loses them.

She asked if I wanted a seat and moved from laying down on the couch, to sitting up. I sat down on the far cushion and she sat in the middle one (which is a nice thing because normally she would make sure she was the furthest from me she could be). I was enjoying the conversation with her family and with her and really enjoying she was sitting close to me (no contact, though).

We talked briefly about my birthday plans (tomorrow I turn 30 years old) and I told them some of plans had changed. I was originally going to my parents house in the morning (they are cooking me breakfast) and then I was coming over to my in-law's for lunch and then going out with my wife to get my ears repierced. After that, later that night, I was gunna go to my house and throw a mini party with a couple of friends and get drunk.

yesterday, when i had talked to the main friend that was going to come over, he said he didnt want to drink and would rather goto a movie. Then a little bit later said if I didnt want to goto a movie, he would rather stay home anyways. I cancelled with him because I didnt want him to do anything he didnt want to. I was a bit aggravated but I did not want him to know.

So, As I was telling my wife and in-laws that he had cancelled, I asked my wife if she wanted to do something after I get my ears pierced. She said sure. We ended up watching Big Brother 8 and then I left.

Since its Thurs night, i bowl with my bro-in-law, so I went to the bowling alley. I ended up texting my wife asking her if she wanted to go play Poker with me and her dad tomorrow night. She didnt text me back until this morning but she said she had just played Weds night and didnt want to play again, but she would go if i wanted her to or we could do something else. I misunderstood what she was saying and thought she didnt want to go and was kind of bailing on me like my friend did, so I sent a message back saying 'I am playing poker. Do what you want.' She ended up sending one back saying 'I can do too. Thats what I was saying. If you wanted to, we could.' I was still misunderstanding what she was REALLY TRYING to say and so i sent a message back 'I dont want anyone doing what they dont want to do. Thats why i cancelled with M**** and thats why I am cancelling with you. I can still do what I want without someone tagging along'. After i thought about it for 30-45 minutes, I realized what she was trying to say, so I sent another message 'I think I misunderstood what you were sayng and I am very sorry. Now that I have reread the message, it looks as though you would go, but you dont want to play. I would really like your company'. She said 'I will still go. Do other people go and not play?' and I told her they do and would like her to go.

I know I made a huge mistake not truly 'listening' to her, something i need to really practice on and truly pay attention. I owned up to my mistake. Now keep in mind, I was never really mad at her. I was a tad aggravated because I thought she was doing to me like what my friend did, but I was never mad.

I would be lying if i said I was not stressed about tomorrow. It will be the most time I have spent with her in a long while and she still wants to go do something after Poker and I am not sure what I would like to do. I know I just need to be myself, but I feel like she expects more out of me, unlike a normal date. I guess I am just having a hard time understanding exactly what I am supposed to do. Sometimes I feel like she wants me to make contact with her, and other times I feel like she doesnt. I dont know what she wants me to say or do. I am so confused.

I guess, like I know and others have told me... Just be her friend. Thats the best I can do.

September 15, 2007

So I go to my in-law's today to pick up my son. Wife doesnt talk much to me, but she does sit close to me like she did last night. I stayed for about 20 minutes after fixing something in her car. (She called me earlier today because the Change Oil guage was at 15% today on her car and it wouldnt go off. So she called me to fix it. I didnt mind, I liked that she still called me with an issue. I know some would think I should have let her do it, but I want her to know I am there for her.)

Tonight around 8pm, she sends me a text telling me she got me something else for my birthday. I last minute surprise. I was excited that she would be thinking about me like that to get me a last minute surprise. Anyways, that text message turned into her asking me about my birthday and the fact I was turning 30. She asked about our son and we just chatted. First time since the first of Aug we have chatted like that. I know it was only in text, but... baby steps.

I am so happy right now.

September 16, 2007

sounds great, Baby steps indeed.

September 16, 2007

LMDG-

That's encouraging! Nice to know she was thinking of you. It's a game of inches................a marathon. Hang in there and keep at the task of sticking with the changes that encourages this kind of action from her.

Best wishes.

September 16, 2007

So, my birthday went well for the most part. I went to my parents house and had breakfast, then my job called and said I had to come in for a bit for a meeting. I went in and it ended up being a surprise mini-birthday. Then I went to my In-Law's house.

Before lunch, my wife asked several times if I wanted my gifts yet and I told her I was not here for the gifts, I was here for the family. I asked her if we could wait until after lunch.

We ended up having lunch and afterwards, she brought the gifts out. The best gifts I got was the 2 cards from my wife and my son. The one from my son will probably be my favorite from him. It is the first one he has 'signed' for me. My wife gave him a crayon and he went crazy in it. I love it. As for the one from her, it was not a Husband card. It was actually pretty funny, BUT on the inside, it did say '...Love, Xxxxxxxx'. I was excited. I was really afraid she wouldnt have 'love' on the inside.

After lunch, Me and my son and my wife went to get me a new pair of shoes and my ears pierced. After we got back, we dropped off my son and it was time to leave for poker.

This is where it wasnt bad, but probably not good....

I opened up to my wife, but not really in a bad way. I didnt bring up seperation or divorce, I basically told her of the changes I was doing for myself that would be a positive for our family. I told her how I had a hard time just being friends because --"I can be strong FOR you, but its hard to be strong against you. I care for you so much, I cannot treat you like we are separated."-- We talked for awhile, but it was mainly about my progress spiritually, with God and in the church. I told her I started reading the Bible more at home and that I was trying to be a different person that I was before. I told her that I hoped the man I was becoming could be a man she could fall in love with again.

We ended up playing poker for about 2 hours. We both lost, but oh well. I was glad she was there with me. WHile we were playing, i went out one time and was about to leave (thinking my wife might be close to going out) but she rebought back in so I told the dealer "My wife just bought back in, so I want to also" and he was like "She is your wife? Wow, she is very attractive! Very beautiful wife you have there." and then he proceeded to say things to my father in law like "How did something that beautiful come from you?", etc.. Just kind of ribbing him. It was funny.

We ended up leaving and a talked to her a little more as we were driving home. Pretty much after it was all said and done, i told her I couldnt see her anymore for about a month.. at least. I said everytime I saw her, I wanted to hug her and kiss her and it was hard. That it would be best that we didnt see each other, for both our sake.

When I got home, I sent her a text message - "I hope you get everything you want out of life. You deserve it" and then I sent another one "Maybe things will be better for us if we were not to see each other" and she sent one back asking "What do you mean?". I said "Not seeing each other for a month or 2. We both need to step back without each other clouding things" I then sent her a message asking "How did you feel when I told those people you were my wife" and she answered "What kind of question is that? I dotn care if people know I am your wife?". I said back to her "I didnt mean anything bad, I just said it out of habit and with our situation like it is, I didnt know if I had done something bad." and she said "But I am your wife. That is nothing you should hide" and I sent one back "=) Then I will not hide it"

Anyways, I dropped her off and cried. Mainly because IF i can stick to my guns, I will not see my wife again until mid-Oct or Nov and it makes me sad. I love her so much. Even when I know what I should do, I still feel lost.

EDIT**

I did forget to mention, close to the end of the night, I had mentioned to my wife I was going to get 'family' photos taken of me and my son. I do not have any really nice photos of me and him together. I told her she was invited to go because she was part of the family and I did want her in them. She did not hesitate and immediately said yes.

Its this kind of stuff and the stuff above about 'Not hiding that she is my wife' that makes me feel that even she is not done with us. I cannot read her at all and thats why I feel we shouldnt talk for awhile or see each other. month from now, she will be semi-'On her own' when she is house sitting for her Brother every other week. We will see then if she opens up to me more when she is alone in his house.

I realized I probably would have things easier too if I was staying with my parents. having people to talk to and distract me from my thoughts about my wife and my relationship. Right now she has that advantage, so she is not moving on as fast as she should.

Wife moved out.

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