Wife moved out.

[LosingMyDreamGirl]

I found out this afternoon my wife drinks with her friends she goes out with. I do not know the full extent of each time, but I do know she got drunk enough to be throwing up in the bathroom of a bar she went to.

 

My wife has never drank before. She would drink a wine cooler (or something close to that) when we used to go to friends and let all of our children play together, but she never drank enough to get buzzed and surely not enough to get drunk.

 

Should I be worried about this? I feel its a way for her to fit in with her new friends. She even does this on work nights and she used to be so specific about what time she would goto bed and such and now she goes to bed late even if she has to be up at 5 a.m. It worries me for her safety, but in a way it makes me kind of glad that she is doing it because she will realize soon that if she has to get drunk to have fun with these 'friends', then they are not much of a friends to start with. The part that worries me about her safety is she would probably have to drive home by herself and I know she would be doing this drunk. I want to say something to her for the sake of our son, but I know she would deny she is doing anything wrong and she would assure me she is not driving home drunk or what-not.

 

I really dont know how to feel. My wife has changed so much in the last 8 months and I can honestly say it has not been for the better.

[jmargel]

You can't fix her. That is something above all else you must keep in your head. Only she can fix herself. The best you can do is go to counseling and invite her along. If she says no, then invite her two weeks later. Don't stop inviting her.

 

It's time to stop babysitting her. You telling her about not seeing her in a month was a ploy to get her to come to you. That's not what it is about. All that tells her is that she can party it up for the next month or two and then you'll be around.

 

Guess I have to spell it out for you. Tough love (which is what I think you should do) is telling her: "I love you and want this to work but I won't be dragged through the mud. I won't be here while you go out partying it up all the time like this. I married you for better or worse but I won't sit here on the fence like I am. I am doing the things I think I should have been doing to improve my own life for myself, my son and hopefully our marriage. I need the same from you and if you are not willing to give it, then I have to move on. If you are not sure about the answer, that's fine. You can take as much time as you need, but I can't guarantee that I will be there if you take too long to decide to come back and really try."

 

Your story sounds like the other couple of hundred I've read on here. They all go through the same stages and about 75% of them involve another man at some point. I can't predict if another man will be involved or not, but to eliminate the roller coaster and run-around that most of the husbands get, this is why you should use the tough love approach. Right now she is not thinking about losing you, you talking about the pictures is another sign of groveling. Just re-inforcing that you will be there no matter what she is doing.

 

Open that cage door for her. Open it as wide as possible. Let it be known she can go. Let her know that you won't be there when she decides to come back. Let her know that your love has worth, not just something that should be expected no matter how she treats you.

[LosingMyDreamGirl]

You can't fix her. That is something above all else you must keep in your head. Only she can fix herself. The best you can do is go to counseling and invite her along. If she says no, then invite her two weeks later. Don't stop inviting her.

 

I do realize I cannot fix her. I will be finding counselor next month. I know I have my own issues.

 

It's time to stop babysitting her. You telling her about not seeing her in a month was a ploy to get her to come to you. That's not what it is about. All that tells her is that she can party it up for the next month or two and then you'll be around.

 

Actually, thats more for me than a ploy to her. I need to take my own baby steps. Once a month is up, then I can go another month. Kind of like when i jog. I only think of going for five minutes. Finally, when its over, I have ran for 20 minutes. I know I can do 5 minutes, but to say I will do 20 is hard to accept. I know I can go one month, but to say I can go 6... thats a bit much.

 

Guess I have to spell it out for you. Tough love (which is what I think you should do) is telling her: "I love you and want this to work but I won't be dragged through the mud. I won't be here while you go out partying it up all the time like this. I married you for better or worse but I won't sit here on the fence like I am. I am doing the things I think I should have been doing to improve my own life for myself, my son and hopefully our marriage. I need the same from you and if you are not willing to give it, then I have to move on. If you are not sure about the answer, that's fine. You can take as much time as you need, but I can't guarantee that I will be there if you take too long to decide to come back and really try."

 

I have pretty much said that. It has no effect and if it does, she shows no signs that it is effecting her. She knows she has me. I even know that. I was like this way before we ever started dating. She has captivated me since I have met her and its hard to break. I have this bond with her that feels almost impossible to break. At least the bond is that strong from my end.

 

Your story sounds like the other couple of hundred I've read on here. They all go through the same stages and about 75% of them involve another man at some point. I can't predict if another man will be involved or not, but to eliminate the roller coaster and run-around that most of the husbands get, this is why you should use the tough love approach. Right now she is not thinking about losing you, you talking about the pictures is another sign of groveling. Just re-inforcing that you will be there no matter what she is doing.

 

I dont think there is another man. I am pretty much 99.9% sure there is not one. She has already seen the effects of a relationship, then another relationship on top of her marriage thrown in. I dont think she will try a third. If you want to count me, she has not had much success.

 

Open that cage door for her. Open it as wide as possible. Let it be known she can go. Let her know that you won't be there when she decides to come back. Let her know that your love has worth, not just something that should be expected no matter how she treats you.

 

Would be nice if that was something you could literally explain. I mean, 'opening that cage door' - I feel like I have done that. She is used to seeing me. I refuse to physically see her now. I still talk to her in text, but I told her that is the only way I will be there for her. I will not help her move furniture when she gets her own play. I will not do anything for her car anymore. I will not bring her money when she needs it. I told her I am not doing anything for her again.

 

Me and my wife developed our relationship talking through IM's on the internet back in 1999 and mostly 2000. Thats how we talked. Hardly ever on the phone. Thats when we became really good friends and that is when she opened up to me and admitted thats when she felt the most comfortable talking to me. That is why I have limited our relationship to just email and text. Maybe we can rekindle the relationship the old fashioned way. Heck, thats even how she redeveloped the relationship with her ex boyfriend was through IM's and text messages. I feel like ti will work with me again. She has talked to me more in the last 3 days via text than she has since we have separated (except on the the sunday we went to the movies).

[Chrome Barracuda]

Dude she's in MLC mode, you need to dump and detach from her for your own sanity. you come on her wishing she'd come back?

 

Why?

 

She is a WW= wayward wife. This isnt the same person! She's not the same person you fell in love with and married!

 

Detach and move on, let her do the work to come back.

 

I feel so sorry for all these men on these boards wanting their wives to come back. How can you honestly want a person who basically disrespected & emasculated you. Hurt you to the core to be in your life again. It makes me freaking sick!!!

 

All you need to man the hell up and leave these women alone! They are selfish and only thinking about themselves. I know for a fact that when or if I ever get married this might happen to me. but make no mistake. thanks to all I've read from SI and Divorce busting and loveshack. I know what to do and what not to do. and you know I will be informed on doing what's best for me. Wife or no wife. It's your well being! some people cannot be the ones forever. Accept that, work through it and move on!!!

[Woggle]

I agree with Chrome. I don't know why men even bother trying with this type of woman. It's an exercise in futility that is just not worth the stress.

[LosingMyDreamGirl]

MLC mode? I am not sure of what that is. I did a search and did not find it.

[LosingMyDreamGirl]

I agree with Chrome. I don't know why men even bother trying with this type of woman. It's an exercise in futility that is just not worth the stress.

 

I try because my wife has NEVER been like this before. This is 100% new to her. It does not mean it is her now.

[Woggle]

I try because my wife has NEVER been like this before. This is 100% new to her. It does not mean it is her now.

 

Your wife always had this inside her but it just came out recently. Some women can be really good actresses at first.

[reboot]

MLC mode? I am not sure of what that is. I did a search and did not find it.

Mid Life Crisis

[Chrome Barracuda]

I try because my wife has NEVER been like this before. This is 100% new to her. It does not mean it is her now.

 

Alot of people of both genders go thorough it. It could have easily been you, working out, getting in shape, buying a faster car, buying new clothes, new hairstyle, talking to younger women, wanting to relieve their golden days of their youth done past.

 

It's time you faced the fact, she may never return, what are you willing to do , to take the steps to move on?

[LosingMyDreamGirl]

Well, now I know why my wife says she doesnt know if we will be together in 3 months or 6 months or 5 years... And honestly, now that I look at it frm her point of view, I dont know either.

 

I talked to her tonight. Took me an hour of poking and prodding, but I found out she wants to start over from the beginning and be my friend. No more talking about the relationship we used to have. As far as she is concerned, its over. She does love the changes I have made, but she wants to be friends again. She says she will not date anyone she doesnt know and doesnt feel like she has a friendship with, so we cant go on a date yet.

 

I have to start from the beginning. First things first, reestablishing communication in a friendship way. Once we start to become better friends, maybe something else will grow, but for now, this will have to do.

 

When I talked to her in the past, I always somehow felt her saying "I want to be friends" was just her saying its over, but I want you to be nice to me. After talking to her, she TRULY wants to be friends. I think she knows we could become one again, but she needs to know we can be friends again. I know I want her to be my friend, but it was always hard because I was waiting for the "This is all I want us to be" phrase... But how she was acting and talking, I think she really wants more, but knows all that other stuff doesnt mean anything if we are not friends first.

 

Pray for me. I need strength to just be her friend. Its hard for me to just be around her as friends. But i know our relationship depends on us being friends for now. Hopefully I can do it.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Freidns!!!

 

F-That.

 

After all the bull**** you've been put through and your letting her dictate what she wants from you??? Relationship? What relationship? You are like seperated and about to be divorced! what's more after that, either your friends on the condition your going to get back together? or you are not!

 

Drop her and move on!!!

 

She cheated right, she left you right? She's tringing you along until something better comes along. Move on with your life, stay away from her and detach, make her feel what it's like to be truly without you!!

 

The more your around her , you stay stuck in limbo.

 

She's not your wife any more!!!

[LosingMyDreamGirl]

Freidns!!!

 

F-That.

 

After all the bull**** you've been put through and your letting her dictate what she wants from you??? Relationship? What relationship? You are like seperated and about to be divorced! what's more after that, either your friends on the condition your going to get back together? or you are not!

 

Drop her and move on!!!

 

She cheated right, she left you right? She's tringing you along until something better comes along. Move on with your life, stay away from her and detach, make her feel what it's like to be truly without you!!

 

The more your around her , you stay stuck in limbo.

 

She's not your wife any more!!!

 

This might be the case for others, but last night I truly felt her 'begging' ofr us to be friends again so we CAN have a relationship. All the things she has said to me in the past that made me feel she was trying to move on was really her trying to let me know what she wanted.

 

I know youre looking out for me, but there is alot I can explain that I messed up with in our relationship. There is no way to repair it, we just have to completely start over. I know now she wants to, but we need to start with the foundation first. Even she has doen things that has completely screwed over our relationship. We both need to learn to trust and respect each other again. If starting over is the only way, I am all for it.

 

If I were to move on with my life, I would have to do the same thing I am going to do with my wife with someone else. I would have to befriend them and then date them and then slowly fall in love. Who better to try that with first than my own son's mother? If it doesnt work out this second time around, then it was truly not meant to be.

 

My wife said alot of things last night that shows she wants things with me, but she doesnt know because she doesnt know if we will ever be friends. For once, in 2 months, I KNOW what I am to do to find solutions in our relationship. Everyday, I would ask for advice and people would give it to me, but even after I received it, I still wasnt 100% sure on what to do. Now I know.

 

The things I have learned in church and From God... the things I have learned being separated... I feel like my time for 'Wax on and Wax off' is finally done and I can use these things to learn my Karate now. (I just watched Karate Kid last night... haha). I want to be friends with my wife as much as she wants to be friends with me.

 

If anything, atleast I will have a good relationship with her for my son, even if things dont work out. That alone is enough to follow through with this.

[Chrome Barracuda]

This might be the case for others, but last night I truly felt her 'begging' ofr us to be friends again so we CAN have a relationship. All the things she has said to me in the past that made me feel she was trying to move on was really her trying to let me know what she wanted.

 

I know youre looking out for me, but there is alot I can explain that I messed up with in our relationship. There is no way to repair it, we just have to completely start over. I know now she wants to, but we need to start with the foundation first. Even she has doen things that has completely screwed over our relationship. We both need to learn to trust and respect each other again. If starting over is the only way, I am all for it.

 

If I were to move on with my life, I would have to do the same thing I am going to do with my wife with someone else. I would have to befriend them and then date them and then slowly fall in love. Who better to try that with first than my own son's mother? If it doesnt work out this second time around, then it was truly not meant to be.

 

My wife said alot of things last night that shows she wants things with me, but she doesnt know because she doesnt know if we will ever be friends. For once, in 2 months, I KNOW what I am to do to find solutions in our relationship. Everyday, I would ask for advice and people would give it to me, but even after I received it, I still wasnt 100% sure on what to do. Now I know.

 

The things I have learned in church and From God... the things I have learned being separated... I feel like my time for 'Wax on and Wax off' is finally done and I can use these things to learn my Karate now. (I just watched Karate Kid last night... haha). I want to be friends with my wife as much as she wants to be friends with me.

 

If anything, atleast I will have a good relationship with her for my son, even if things dont work out. That alone is enough to follow through with this.

 

I dont know but if I was in your shoes it's either an all or nothing. I mean why breakup if you say your in love and go back to just being friends. What is it she hopes to accomplish with that. You can be friends and still remain husband and wife. But the way I see it. Friends is a codeword for your in this place until she finds someone else.

 

You might not think it'll happen but it always does.

 

I know you want to rebuild your marriage but what if it cant be rebuilt. You need to start making the moves that willenable you to move on, when the time comes. After infidelity, things may never recover. prepare for the worst, hope for the best you know.

[confuzd]

that's exactly right all you can do right now is be her friend. Doesn't mean to be all over her and to pressure, but be the cool, secure, non-needy friend that another guy would be.

 

confuzd

[Chrome Barracuda]

I would mess with other chicks and let her know if she's still interested my number hasnt changed. But as jay-z one monkey doesnt stop the show! lol.

 

Friends, Right?

 

No problem, we're just friends.

[jmargel]

I dont know but if I was in your shoes it's either an all or nothing. I mean why breakup if you say your in love and go back to just being friends. What is it she hopes to accomplish with that. You can be friends and still remain husband and wife. But the way I see it. Friends is a codeword for your in this place until she finds someone else.

 

You might not think it'll happen but it always does.

 

I know you want to rebuild your marriage but what if it cant be rebuilt. You need to start making the moves that willenable you to move on, when the time comes. After infidelity, things may never recover. prepare for the worst, hope for the best you know.

 

She's playing head games with you and is just stringing you along. She has cheated and disrespected you and your child. She has put your health at risk by sleeping with this guy. She does not value anything that she has with you in the marriage. She is using you as a safety net.

 

As long as she thinks she is in control she will continue to put you in this soap opera. I can guarantee that she is either seeing her ex-bf still or some other guy. Or she has interests in someone else. This is her scape goat when things go bad with you she can just say 'Well, we are just friends you know..'

 

Her immaturity is really shining through and if you don't show some tough love and get your ass in gear then you are in for a very long roller coaster ride with an unhappy ending. You continue to tolerate her disrespect, so she will just keep dishing it out. You need to show tough love. Give her the ultamaitum. If she wants this to work then it's MC. She knows you love her, what she needs to know is that you won't be dragged through the mud.

[LosingMyDreamGirl]

The last 6 weeks has led me to church and to God. This last Sunday was an amazing day. The sermon was exactly what I needed to hear and on top of that, there was a couple that gave their testimony (and has a situation much like mine... well, they did. They have reconciled) that floored me. I was amazed that God sent these people into my life (and hopefully my wife's too). I got to meet them last night and they are wonderful people.

 

I realize now I what I am meant to do. Nothing specific in the church (at least not yet), but I know I belong to God now and he will make sure I am taken care of. I feel great. Things have changed alot for me since last Friday when me and my wife talked. Sunday changed that even more.

 

I am excited about the changes in my life. I am ready to be the man I was always meant to be.

 

I will try and keep things updated, but for now, unless my wife wants to be a part of my life, it wont be much of her in the posts. I cannot let the thought of her bring me down.

 

Anyways... I guess thats it for now.

[LosingMyDreamGirl]

Three days ago, I started talking to my wife about the Glory of God and the Glory of the Devil, that God does not want us to divorce and separate. I asked her who she wanted to give glory to and she said God.

 

The last couple of days, she has been talking to me though texts and being more open. She invited me over to her parents house tonight to watch TV with me.

 

Even last night, after I told her I needed to go to write bills, she was still sending text messages.

 

I dont know if that talk with her helped, but it seems to have. She was very into church before and loved going and loves God. I think I planted a positive seed in her and now its growing. We will see.

[marsbars]

Well I only read the short version to tell you the truth and only read a few posts. But I see the same problems that I am facing in my separation/divorce. However my wife of 12 years has opened the window to fix things. And I am taking every opportunity to get back in. We have done the NC thing for the last 3 months for the most part. But now the contact is starting to grow. I am at odds with how much contact as to not push her away. I agree that therapy is a good idea. I also agree that learning as much abut yourself and your faults is a great idea. That is what I am doing.

If there is any hope, even if only a sliver, you need to show her what you can become that is what she fell in love with and more. Be the best father you can. Show her the qualities that she wants and needs. Don't just blow smoke either. It is easy for we men to do just that. If she is as important to you as you say then there should be no cost or length that you will go to. I feel you pain. Prove to her and yourself that you aren't really the person that she thinks that you have become.

[LosingMyDreamGirl]

Well, we are on our way to divorce. She is wanting to file in November when she gets free time from work. I will probably file next week or so. I do not want her to have the upper hand anymore.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Well, we are on our way to divorce. She is wanting to file in November when she gets free time from work. I will probably file next week or so. I do not want her to have the upper hand anymore.

 

WTF hapened?

 

You got tired of her bull****? or you found something out about the OM?

 

I told you that sooner or later she's gonna mess you over. Time is right for you to leave, forget her. Let her take care of herself.

 

Or maybe you jst want to move on, What do you mean by upperhand?

[LosingMyDreamGirl]

There was another Man. She claims friends. I dont know and dont care. She is in self destructive mode and I have nothing left to give to her cept prayer. Its one of her co-workers.

 

He was the one that told me she wanted one, not her. She had actually told him the whole story. He even knew about the cheating.

[whichwayisup]

I am so sorry to hear this news.

 

Talk to a lawyer, make sure that she doesn't try to screw you. Sorry, I can't remember if you two have kids, but if you do, make sure the OM isn't around your kids for a LONG LONG TIME.

[Chrome Barracuda]

There was another Man. She claims friends. I dont know and dont care. She is in self destructive mode and I have nothing left to give to her cept prayer. Its one of her co-workers.

 

He was the one that told me she wanted one, not her. She had actually told him the whole story. He even knew about the cheating.

 

 

Wow so the OM man told you what was going on? I'm surprised you didnt KHTFO!!! How could a man wh0o's trying to sleep with a married woman tell her husband.

 

Was he trying to end it? or was he finally tired of the bs and wanted it to come to a head.

 

It's good of you to finally take the reigns on the ending.

 

And he's stupid enough to even involve himself with a woman who's a serial cheater, he's a jackass too.

 

This time you move on for you, there's too many damn fish out in the sea. and good one's too! dont forget that.