Caught My Spouse In A Lie

[mockeryjones]

What do you do when you catch your spouse in a lie? Do you immediately confront them or do you get all your ducks in a row before hashing it out?

 

Does it depend on the lie?

 

As of yet i haven't confronted her with the lie. It's not really that big of a lie in terms of content but it is one in terms of context. So I am not sure how to proceed. It's really a stupid thing. She had this ex boyfriend that she ended things very badly with about 10 years ago. She wanted to write him a letter to apologize for her behavior. I was fine with this and even said it was a good idea. So then a few weeks later I asked her if she had ever sent it and she said no, well i wrote one but then i deleted it. Fine no big deal.

 

So a few nights later i went to use the word processing app on her computer (mine doesn't have one and i didn't want to use google docs) to write a birthday story for my children. I start writing and go to save and notice that in the recent documents list a file name that i hadn't seen before was there. It was titled as something that's sort of an inside thing with us so i figured it was something she wrote about or to me so I opened it. Well it was the letter she told me she had deleted.

 

So now I'm not sure what to believe. all i ever asked of her was not to keep me in the dark. But I find out that she has. I really couldn't care less about what she wrote (i didn't read it), but I am really upset that she lied to me about deleting it. It makes me wonder if she lied to me about sending it as well. If so that's a major trust violation for me. Not the act of sending it, but the act of lying to me about deleting it and whatever other lies may have stemmed from that.

 

I realize that in the end this probably isn't a big deal so I am unsure whether or not I should confront her.

 

bleah, i think i'll let it stew for another week and see what i think then. until then any insight would be appreciated.

[whichwayisup]

Did she mean deleting it as in changing her mind and not sending it? It is possible that she misused words...?? Also, it's possible that she saved it, forgot about it and decided not to send it, but will in the future...

 

I think you should ask her if you can read it. Let her know that you've stumbled across it and go from there...See how she reacts.

[mockeryjones]

I think you should ask her if you can read it. Let her know that you've stumbled across it and go from there...See how she reacts.

 

I don't really want to read it though. It's really none of my business. I don't think she was attempting to rekindle something with him which would be the only reason for me to want to read it. I also don't want her to feel like I'm closing some sort of trap on her for what from her perspective must be a little white lie.

 

I just want to create an atmosphere where she feels comfortable telling me the whole story without feeling like she is being attacked. I'm not sure how to do that while I'm still (rightly or wrongly) feeling a bit deceived.

[quankanne]

I think you're allowing yourself to read more into this issue than there truly is, because it could be that she's not ready to sign off on her letter. That what she's got down in text is just a tip of the iceberg and could be trying to refine what she's "telling" her ex, so that when she's comfortable with the idea of this letter saying what she wants it to, *then* she'll delete the letter. It's very hard to put something behind you when you don't feel like you've given it proper closure.

 

or it could be that she started said letter and is writing it in fits and starts. Or she may have honestly forgotten about it.

 

you need to lighten up and give her the benefit of the doubt, especially since you've given her encouragement from the very beginning on this idea. She's not operating on the same time frame – or perspective – as you are, and you're being more than a little unfair to expect her to do so. She'll delete it when she deletes it, period.

 

in the meantime, don't make yourself sick over this, because in the larger scheme of things, it's really just not that important. Or is it?

[Cobra_X30]

1. How badly did her relationship with this other man end?

 

2. How much time was there between the end of this R and the beggining of yours?

 

3. Why does she feel the need to apologize now?

[Mustang Sally]

Maybe she went back and wrote it after telling you she had deleted it?

Or does the date/time on the file prove that wrong?

 

I don't know the dynamics of your M...obviously. And I have to think there must be something going on there for you to be so concerned about such an incident as this. But if it were me, I'd casually bring it up that I found the file, and did she change her mind about sending him a letter? And see where that leads.

 

I can tell you this much: don't let yourself fall prey to the tendency to answer back to (potential) poor communication from your spouse with MORE poor communication. Two wrongs don't make a right where communication is concerned in a marriage, and the feeling I get from your post is that you and your W might just benefit from better communication.

 

Good luck.

[curiousnycgirl]

OK you saw it in the recent docs list - is it possible that when you double clicked on it, the computer retrieved it from the recycle bin?

 

If that is possible - then she did indeed delete it, but had not emptied the recycle bin.

[IpAncA]

I just want to create an atmosphere where she feels comfortable telling me the whole story without feeling like she is being attacked. I'm not sure how to do that while I'm still (rightly or wrongly) feeling a bit deceived.

 

Personally think your reading way too much into it.

 

Maybe she doesn't want to discuss it with you so to get your off her back she said she deleted it. Or maybe she thought she did and didn't realize she didn't. Point is your don't know and all you can do is ask and see what she says.

 

Does it depend on the lie?

 

I'm not going to beat around the bush, everyone lies. What I don't like is major lies and if I find out about them I will confront. Now if I'm lied to constantly then I'll mention that too.

 

I just want to create an atmosphere where she feels comfortable telling me the whole story without feeling like she is being attacked.

 

See I like that but for me that was recked years ago which is why I'll never trust anyone enough to do that. I know I can but due to past experiences I can't do it everytime.

[mockeryjones]

well apparently the consensus is that i am making a mountain out of a molehill.

 

if that is the case i'll just let it go. no point in pushing on it.

[ninga317]

i agree with the other poster, that when she said that she deleted it, she meant that she just didn't send it. it sounds like you have good trust in her and good communication. i know that in my relationship, the more open and nonjudgemental we are towards eachother the more willing i am to tell him more.

 

i know my boyfriend would understand if i wanted to write my ex a letter for closure, but i would also want him to read it so that so that he could see what i am talking about and it would also give him a better idea of the kind of person i am.

 

there is nothing better and more of a turn on in a relationship as being able to talk to you SO a they are your best friend.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

she probably meant she deleted the email she was about to send with the letter in it. she probably typed it out in the app. and then pasted it into an email, and then that email is more than likely what she deleted.

 

it is curious though, why she would name the document something other than what it is, leading you to believe that it was something else that had to do with the two of you.

 

other than that, i don't think she's up to something, i just think she probably doesn't feel like involving you and would like it left alone.

 

whether you accept that or not is up to you.

[glittergurl]

First of all, I wonder why you have put yourself and your marriage into such a dangerous position.

 

If she's still fretting about how badly she broke up with some guy 10 years ago, then she's obviously not over it. When you're completely happy in a relationship, the past doesn't matter anymore.

 

And now she might have possibly lied about that silly letter (does that ex boyfriend even care at all anymore?). I don't think the question about whether she has lied about deleting it or not is your biggest issue here. I think the fact that she felt the need to actually write a letter about it should have raised some red flags a long time ago.

[DazedandConfused66]

well apparently the consensus is that i am making a mountain out of a molehill.

 

if that is the case i'll just let it go. no point in pushing on it.

 

I'm in another camp all by myself maybe, but here goes.

 

I can talk to my wife about anything. Anything. You are posting here, multiple times, to get opinions from perfect strangers when your wife is there in the M with you, likely just a few feet away right now as you read this.

 

Ask her! What's the worst that can happen?

 

Why is it so much easier to discuss something with perfect strangers when the most important person in your life and the subject of the topic is right there in the first place?!?!?

 

What if she was killed in a car accident today? Do you really want to go thru the rest of your life wondering when you could know right now? Trust me, life is too short to keep secrets from one another in the marriage. If you CANT talk to your spouse about anything, then you are missing one of the greatest benefits of a healthy marriage...true intimacy. It transcends FAR beyond the boundaries of the bedroom.

 

Ask her man......don't be shy about it. Tell her what you told us...you were using the word processor, saw the file, didn't read it but now you are curious about her statement. You'll either get a healthy and acceptable answer or you'll get something that makes you want/need to probe deeper.

 

Do you have any idea how many affairs could have been avoided if the partners involved just held each other accountable for their feelings and actions in the first place?

[norajane]

I'm with those who believe she copied and pasted the letter into an email, and then deleted the email without sending. Especially since what you asked was:

I asked her if she had ever sent it and she said no, well i wrote one but then i deleted it.

 

You read the letter. Was there anything in there to cause you concern? If not, let it go.

[Mr. Lucky]

First of all, I wonder why you have put yourself and your marriage into such a dangerous position.

 

If she's still fretting about how badly she broke up with some guy 10 years ago, then she's obviously not over it. When you're completely happy in a relationship, the past doesn't matter anymore.

 

And now she might have possibly lied about that silly letter (does that ex boyfriend even care at all anymore?). I don't think the question about whether she has lied about deleting it or not is your biggest issue here. I think the fact that she felt the need to actually write a letter about it should have raised some red flags a long time ago.

I agree 100% and was surprised no one else mentioned this. Why, married to you, is she thinking about the parameters of a 10-year old relationship? I can't think of any good reason to write such a letter and would have HUGE concerns if my spouse told me she wanted to do so.

 

MJ, why did she say, this far down the road, that she wanted to write the old BF?

 

Mr. Lucky

[SarahBeth04]

First of all, I wonder why you have put yourself and your marriage into such a dangerous position.

 

If she's still fretting about how badly she broke up with some guy 10 years ago, then she's obviously not over it. When you're completely happy in a relationship, the past doesn't matter anymore.

 

And now she might have possibly lied about that silly letter (does that ex boyfriend even care at all anymore?). I don't think the question about whether she has lied about deleting it or not is your biggest issue here. I think the fact that she felt the need to actually write a letter about it should have raised some red flags a long time ago.

 

Exactly what I was going to say! Why did she feel the need to write this letter in the first place? Why is this still on her mind TEN years later?