How do I approach this?

[jaelynne52]

My ex broke up with me about a month ago. I was very much against the break up, and thought that the problems we were having could be worked through. I didn’t know that he was concerned about anything until the day he told me it was over, so I felt like he had never even given us a chance to talk or try to work through anything. He says that he still loves me, but that he feels like a relationship with me will never work.

 

Since the break up, I’ve done a lot of thinking of ways that things went wrong. First off, I feel like a lot of our problems are problems brought to a head because of his mother. About eight months ago she told him that she no longer wanted me in her house or around her family, that she thought I was too manipulative and that he would never be happy while he was with me. She has done this before to him with previous girlfriends, and also his father, who she is divorced from. I feel that she has real issues with possessiveness, and doesn’t like the idea of him possibly having stronger feelings for someone else instead of her.

 

Since she has said this, we have both talked about it and he said that he doesn’t agree with his mother. He didn’t stand up to her about it and express how he felt, but I stayed away when he would go to visit. About two months ago I was finally able to let go of some of my bitterness about the situation and I expressed this to my ex, that I forgave his mother even if she still wasn’t accepting me.

 

He continued to go see his family, and tried to have a good relationship with his mom, but he had a lot of anger towards her that he wasn’t expressing to her, and he wouldn’t talk to me about how he felt about the situation at all, only what she thought or what progress had been made. Slowly, I could see him getting more and more bitter toward her, even though he never said anything, and sort of bitter toward life as well. He would come home from his family’s house and be in a bad mood for a day or two afterward. And it started affecting our relationship as well. We weren’t as close anymore, since he wouldn’t open up to me, and I was scared to talk to him, because I thought he might think I was judging his mom, being irrational with my anger. So we both walked around on eggshells, and the only time we were really able to enjoy each other’s company was when we were out of town together, out of the normal routine. His sex drive was also affected, because many night he would come home too tired to do anything but sleep.

 

About a month and a half before he broke up with me, we got in a fight that was almost a break up then. He said that he felt like he needed time to himself, and I told him that that was fine, we could back off and take things slower. I told him that so long as we both loved each other, we should be able to work through any problems, no matter how hard they seem. This is a philosophy that we have both expressed before, but he reacted like it was the first time he had ever heard it. It was about right then that I started to suspect that he was seriously depressed. We spent a week not seeing each other, only catching the occasional phone call, and it was nice. I realized how much of my time I was spending with him, not doing my own thing, and he did the same. Then the next week, I tried to stay distant from him, to give him space, but he kept calling me wanting to do things. I would ask him, are you sure you don’t want to spend time alone, are you sure you want to hang out, and he kept insisting. I told my roommate that I was scared he was falling into old habits, that he was depressed and unable to confront himself alone. She is friends with him as well, and she said that he has been acting oddly the last couple of months

 

We started hanging out all the time again, up until he finally broke up with me a month ago. We had fought the whole weekend before the break up, and I finally got a chance to talk to him about it on a Tuesday, and he wouldn’t even listen to me because he had made up his mind. He said that he loved me, but that he felt like there was some deeper connection missing that he felt was necessary to continue a relationship with me. I told him that yes, we had problems, communicating and setting boundaries and expressing how we felt, but that they were all things we could work on, but he said that he thought those were small problems compared to this deeper lacking he felt. I thought at the time that maybe it was his depression that made him feel so distant, and I still do a little

 

We’ve hung out and talked about once a week since then. At first he wouldn’t listen to me at all about anything I had to say, and he became really defensive if I tried to tell him things that I had realized during my time apart. We went no contact for a week, and I had reached a decision that it was too hard to be around him if he wasn’t willing to try and talk to me about things, and so I told him that I didn’t want to see him anymore. This started a whole conversation where he actually listened and agreed with me, and told me how he’s been feeling this whole time. He said that he wants us to work out, but that he doesn’t think that it will, that he wants to try to work on problems without the complication of a relationship before he can try to have that with me again. I’m so frustrated and I feel like I’m getting conflicting signals. He admitted that he has his moments of wanting to get back together, but that he fights them because he feels like what he is doing is right for him right now.

 

I agree with him that the break up was a good thing. It has opened up both of our eyes so much to what we want and what didn’t feel right between us. He seems a lot happier now that he has had time to think without the pressure of us upon him. He talked to his mom, too, and told her how angry he was and how disappointed that she wouldn’t listen to him. He has made leaps and bounds in improving his life, as far as I can see, and I’ve done a lot too, that I’ve enjoyed. It’s been great. But now I don’t know what to think or do. I’m still deeply in love with him, and I want to start working on us. Since the conversation where he actually talked to me, and listened to me, he hasn’t been willing to talk at all. I’m having a hard time understanding how he expects things to get better between us when there isn’t an “us” to begin with. A lot of the problems we have aren’t problems you have with just friends. I want to tell him that I want to really try to make things better, but I can’t do that if he never gives me the opportunity. I’m scared that he thinks I want our old relationship back, which is very far from how I feel. What should I do? Should I give him time to come to me and say that he’s willing to try and work now? Or should I confront him again with what I’ve been thinking and how I feel? I feel like he’s scared of making the wrong decision so he’s choosing not to decide, and letting things sit in this limbo area instead. He doesn’t want to say it’s over completely, because then he might be losing out on me for good, but he doesn’t want to try again, because what if it’s not good for him. I don’t want to hang around not getting over him, and sort of torturing my emotions if he doesn’t plan on trying to make things work, but I don’t want to give up if there is a chance that it could all work out. What should I do?

[ttn22]

Wow, that sounds alot like the situation that I'm in right now with my husband. (you can read my full story on my posts). But to make it short, he left me about a month ago. He said he wanted a divorce. Well scince then he's been kind of back and forth. I've asked him to give me a chance to prove to him that I have changed(because how can he know if he doesn't try?!)

 

So then I ask when we're getting a divorce and he says he doesn't like the idea of it and that it sounds to final, and that he's not sure he wants things to be so final yet. But he also said he doesn't want to sit here and tell me that we will getting back together soon. He says he misses me and loves me but he doesn't think he could change his mind even if he wanted too(what a bunch of crap!). So I'm sitting here just waiting for him to make his mind up. He doesn't want to be with me(or give us the chance to fix anything)....yet he doesn't want to get a divorce.

 

I say just give it a little bit of time. He sounds pretty confused to me. I think in your situation it isn't a matter of if he loves you or not, the issues run deeper. I would just keep minimal contact with him and see how things go. Be friendly with him but not overbearing, that usually just pushes them farther away. When you feel the time is right have a heart to heart with him. Say you love him and you know that he's going through a hard time right now, and that you understand. But you either try to work on the problems you guys have or you have to move on. You can't be a doormat. Maybe this will give him the extra push he needs to make the decision. If he chooses not to work things out then really move on. Better your self! You can't force someone to be with you. And if you guys are really meant to be together it will all work out in the end. Just remember we're always here for you!!!

[jaelynne52]

Thank you for sharing your story with me. It's reassuring to know that I'm not the only one struggle with issues like these.

 

It's just so hard to sit back and wait for him to make a decision. I'm the kind of person who likes to be in control of a situation, or at least active in resolving it. I have a hard time sitting passively and watching to see what happens. Some days are better where I can sit back and say the ball is in his court, and then other days I keep wanting to call him and say "so what now? Have you made a decision? Have you thought about things? What do you think? where is this going?" I know that sort of attitude isn't good for either of us, but I get sooooo frustrated.

 

I plan on letting things be for a little while longer, like you said, and see if he comes to me on his own. He's such a peaceful person though, that I'm scared he's avoiding talking to me just to not have a scene or bring up all the emotions he's trying to not feel. And that scares me because it's just the sort of attitude he had in our relationship that caused this whole problem, the not communicating and dealing with emotions. But I want to give him time to really sort through what he feels so that he won't be so defensive anymore.

 

I hope things work out for you, ttn. It's horrible to be in the situation I'm in, but at least if I want to move on I don't have to hold out for someone else to make that decision as well. I really hope he comes around and talks to you more, and gives you another chance. I feel that it's so important to try so long as the emotions are still there. Every relationship takes work, hard work, and it's sad when people think they aren't strong enough to go through with it.

 

Thank you again, and lots of luck. Let me know how things work out!