messed up bad with my bf husband now what?

[comicgirl]

I had latched onto someone elses thread earlier (sorry by the way). I had a 4 1/2 month affair with my bfs husband. we said at the beginning that we weren't going to fall in love, that we both had families to lose, etc. We had had a flirty thing going on in the past year that we have known each other but nothing happened until this past May. I knew it would from the day i met him. He called me sometimes but then weeks would go by until we would hang out. Then he would say he didn't call cause he doesn't know my schedule. Seemed like crap to me. But he was all over me when we were alone. Distant and drinking a lot when i was hanging out with his wife at their house. he drinks a lot anyway. Last week he told me that what we were doing is wrong and he's in love with his wife and needs to do right by her. I begged him to change his mind but he said no. Now I still see him cause of my friendship with his wife but it is killing me. I act friendly like nothing is bothering me. When i saw him today i was totally looking good but he didn't say anything to me, he just looked over his shoulder at me for a long time while i acted like i didn't see him staring. What now?

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I'm sorry for your situation, its not nice to be in the position of OW when rejection has taken place. But a rejection has taken place, he has told you that what you are doing is wrong and that he no longer wants to be in the relationship. I'm afraid it only takes one person to break a relationship, but once they do, there's little you can do to change their minds. You have to accept it, deal with the pain of rejection and try to move on.

 

I'm sorry to be harsh, but you still see him because of your friendship with your best friend? How is this person your best friend? You are giving her a double betrayal, that her Husband and her best friend are lying and cheating on her. This is YOUR best friend, not his wife.

 

In my mind the friendship is now null and void and you should move away from it and also start the healing process by cutting these people out of your life.

[comicgirl]

Right, I have thought of terminating my friendship with his wife. I have already treated her so bad behind her back that i feel like for her to find out about her H and I would devastate her. This is why I am confused. I sometimes feel like I'm just riding out the hurt feelings I have with MM but I worry that if I just cut it off with her she will figure it out and then watch out! I keep telling myself to be the bigger person just once. Yet I still want MM so bad.

[smoochygirl]

Pursuing your "Best friend" Husband will only cause you pain, pain for everybody involve, your Husband, your bestfriend and her husband. If your best friend find out, her husband is gonna lie to her, tell her that your the one chasing him and seduce him etc. Then she would believe him because she love him, now you, you are the bad guy in the eyes of everybody, your best friend will hate you, her husband will hate you, and maybe your husband too, you might even loose your family from doing this, Do you even care to your bestfriend? Obviously you don't .

[comicgirl]

I saw my exMM again yesterday at his house. He came over and stood behind me while I talked to his wife about some stuff. He never said a word. My husband is out of town and I thought maybe MM might come by and want to talk. MM knows my H is out of town. I just can't believe he won't change his mind. He told me he loves being with me. Our intimate relationship was great. He always ragged about his wife and how she stole his dreams away from him, etc. I did everything I could to make him feel good about himself. Maybe that's why he's a drunk. He loves feeling horrible. I feel like a loser since I was dumped by one. I did tell my husband what had happened and he said he had figured something was going on but if it made me happy he was fine with it. However, I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT! I thought this A was something that would continue for years. I didn't want him to leave his wife. I just wanted a piece of him for myself.

[Curmudgeon]

I saw my exMM again yesterday at his house. He came over and stood behind me while I talked to his wife about some stuff. He never said a word. My husband is out of town and I thought maybe MM might come by and want to talk. MM knows my H is out of town. I just can't believe he won't change his mind. He told me he loves being with me. Our intimate relationship was great. He always ragged about his wife and how she stole his dreams away from him, etc. I did everything I could to make him feel good about himself. Maybe that's why he's a drunk. He loves feeling horrible. I feel like a loser since I was dumped by one. I did tell my husband what had happened and he said he had figured something was going on but if it made me happy he was fine with it. However, I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT! I thought this A was something that would continue for years. I didn't want him to leave his wife. I just wanted a piece of him for myself.

 

He ragged about his wife who just happens to be your best friend but won't come over while your husband is out of town even though your husband may be fine with it and he's a drunk but you want a piece of him to continue for years.

 

Did I get all that right?

 

That all sounds like a very sick, twisted situation. My best guess is that not one of you will end up with any of you by the time all is said and done.

 

Please tell me that none of you have spawned!

[whichwayisup]

I did tell my husband what had happened and he said he had figured something was going on but if it made me happy he was fine with it.

 

Your husband is FINE with you screwing your bestfriend's husband? Is that a joke?

 

Honestly it sounds like your MM is full of crap and served it to you on a silver platter and you've eaten up all his lies, believing all that he's told you about his marriage.

 

I thought this A was something that would continue for years. I didn't want him to leave his wife. I just wanted a piece of him for myself.

 

How selfish can you get...

[comicgirl]

My H had been telling me for the past few months that if I wanted to have an A with someone just tell him who it was and to be careful. I didn't tell him until it was over because I didn't know if my H would freak out and tell my bf. How sick is this right? I know I'm selfish. Like MM and I had talked so many times, I said I only had this life to lead. MM said he knew he had no right to ask who I might be seeing or to ask me to be involved with him only. We said we would only see each other besides our H and W. He acted like our A was getting out of whack but in July he came over to lend me a movie that was special to him and when he stood in my driveway he asked me, "Where do I stand?" I told him he didn't stand anywhere. I couldn't believe it. Yet it drew me in more. I can't believe I actually thought he would come over tonight. I thought I would just sigh and ask him what did he want? He said I paid attention to him and listened to what he thought, unlike his W. I could see how she ignored him a lot, he drinks probably 6 beers on average a night. He sits in front of his computer playing a video flying game. His W and I have gone out and come back and the 1 year old is asleep in the hallway cause he was so engrossed in his game. I know he's an ass. And yet........

[Curmudgeon]

... and the 1 year old is asleep in the hallway cause he was so engrossed in his game. I know he's an ass. And yet........

 

People like him should not be permitted to spawn.

 

The fact that you still want him speaks volumes about you!

[Trimmer]

We said we would only see each other besides our H and W.

This little onion right here just has so many layers all by itself...

[CAT100]

My H had been telling me for the past few months that if I wanted to have an A with someone just tell him who it was and to be careful.

 

Do you have an open relationship then? Like if your H wanted to have an A would you be ok with it, or is only you that is allowed?

Im just curious about how you arrived at a conversation when he said he was ok with you seeing other people

[Cad Rake]

Generally men encourage their wives to have affairs when the men themselves are having one and are no longer sexually interested in the wife.

[Trimmer]

Generally men encourage their wives to have affairs when the men themselves are having one and are no longer sexually interested in the wife.

... or he's so disaffected that he figures he might as well bait her into doing it so he can turn it around and have a clear exit strategy from the marriage... What judge would ever believe "well, he said it was OK for me to have an affair!!!!" if he denies it? Are you in a no-fault state?

[justfine]

This thread is so funny!

 

Let us know if you decide to go on Jerry Springer. People like you are so freakin' selfish is sickening!

 

Why don't you just go to a biker bar and do men there. Stop betraying your friends.

[BubblesKittyShed]

This thread is so funny!

 

Let us know if you decide to go on Jerry Springer. People like you are so freakin' selfish is sickening!

 

Why don't you just go to a biker bar and do men there. Stop betraying your friends.

 

I take it you are a person with alot of depth!!!

 

I remember that I am too when I watch Jerry Springer!

 

Biker Bar? Sounds good! At least I just might get some decent conversation in there!

[comicgirl]

I came onto this site looking for some caring words of advice. I realize that I am selfish and that what I did what stupid. This has never happened to me before. My husband and I are very open with each other, we have known each other since we were children. I don't belong on Jerry Springer and I read some of the posts that are just downright slams. Where is the help? I want to be open to advice, not defensive because I won't learn anything that way. So, if you are going to be snots about this situation, don't reply.

[justfine]

I came onto this site looking for some caring words of advice. I realize that I am selfish and that what I did what stupid. This has never happened to me before. My husband and I are very open with each other, we have known each other since we were children. I don't belong on Jerry Springer and I read some of the posts that are just downright slams. Where is the help? I want to be open to advice, not defensive because I won't learn anything that way. So, if you are going to be snots about this situation, don't reply.

 

 

You want some advice?

 

Please stop betraying your best friend and stop having affairs. You're married.

[comicgirl]

I have stopped having the affair obviously but I don't understand how I let myself get roped in like that. I should know better. I have had NC for a few days and am finding that it is getting easier with each day. The first morning after it ended I woke up feeling fine, happy almost. Then I realized what had happened and it was like a vise closed on my chest. Now, how to slowly stop being friends without her getting paranoid. I think I'll try just tapering down our visits until there aren't any.

[PoshPrincess]

I came onto this site looking for some caring words of advice. I realize that I am selfish and that what I did what stupid. This has never happened to me before. My husband and I are very open with each other, we have known each other since we were children. I don't belong on Jerry Springer and I read some of the posts that are just downright slams. Where is the help? I want to be open to advice, not defensive because I won't learn anything that way. So, if you are going to be snots about this situation, don't reply.

 

Ignore the bashing and saracastic comments, CG, and concentrate on the good advice you get!

 

You KNOW that what you did was wrong. No one has a right to judge you but it's bound to happen and it happens regularly on LS. What you have to do now is move on. I think this man has played you. He knew you could never tell because his W is your BF and he seems to have got what he wanted from you. Sorry to say that, but that's how it sounds. (It DOES sound that HE could be a candidate for Jerry Springer though). Let's hope your friend comes to her senses and gets rid of him as he doesn't sound like much of a husband OR father! Just make sure you don't let him come running into your arms if that does happen as, although I don't know you, there's no doubt you could do better than him! I'm surprised your friend trusts him enough to leave him indoors with their child, especially as he clearly has a drink problem.

 

As for you, you really need to take a long hard look at your M and decide whether you really want to be with your H and whether you think you can work on things. I don't really understand why your H has given you permission to stray. It doesn't sound very real to me. By that, I don't mean that you're lying about it, but that either he has such little confidence and is so scared of losing you he would agree to ANYTHING or that, like someone else said, he is cheating himself and you doing the same then gives him the green light.

 

CG, I really hope you can work things out and that you realise that this MM is nothing but trouble. I don't believe all men/women who cheat are bad but this man truly sounds like nothing more than an a**hole!

 

Lots of luck.

[stillafool]

I'm curious how do you feel when you see your best friend? When are you planning on breaking off your friendship with her? That's good that you were honest with your husband and he doesn't care. I agree with the other poster who said;

 

"Generally men encourage their wives to have affairs when the men themselves are having one and are no longer sexually interested in the wife".

 

My advice to you would be to break off your friendship as soon as possible with your "worse friend", stop chasing after her husband now that he has told you he loves his wife and thinks what you guys did is wrong, for God's sake stop going over to their house with bull**** excuses (dressed to look cute for him) because he can see what you are doing and that's why he's looking hard at you. You are making a fool of yourself and mark my words this will come back on you 7 fold when the dusk clears.

 

Lucky you, since your husband has given you the okay to have an affair go out and chose someone who doesn't know your family. There are tons of men out there. Good Luck!

[comicgirl]

I don't understand why my H said it was okay for me to have an affair. He isn't one who would cheat and maybe he loves me more than i love him. I think it has always been that way. I know that if we didn't have kids we would not be together though. My H is a good husband, father, provider but I am not in love with him. He is a good person who doesn't deserve the crap I hand him sometimes. Maybe his telling me I can cheat is his way of keeping me from a divorce? I feel like I suddenly don't understand myself. I turned 35 this year and the MM is 31. Maybe I needed to feel sexy? Gosh, I don't get my problems in this situation. Yeah, you were right that my going over to my MMs house looking hot is baloney. I guess I wanted him to be sorry that he threw me away. I have no reason to be over there when he gets home. I can see the W during the day. I have been trying to stick to that lately. It is still NC. I feel better that way. I wonder what MM is thinking about what happened but I can't call him and ask him. I also can't beat a dead horse. When he told me it was over he kept asking me if I had anything to say. I said no cause how could I argue over his being in love with his wife? Today was easier. Tomorrow will be better too....I just worry about seeing the W or the MM. I feel kicked in the chest every time I do. Thanks to the last two folks who made me feel like I wasn't such a whore. I mean that from my heart. ))

[whichwayisup]

How can you even look "the wife" aka YOUR BESTFRIEND in the eyes after sleeping with her husband?

 

Stay in NC with the MM and you need to somehow end your friendship with your 'bestfriend'. If you stay friends with her, it's all based now on lies and you'll be making a fool of her. She could still find out the truth. Either by him or from someone else. NEVER say never, if you and the MM think noone knows about you two, think again. Especially if they have children....You have children so they could be snooping and listening to calls or something. You'd be surprised...

 

Also, get yourself into therapy. You obviously have become someone you don't like much and I think if you did therapy and figured out what is going on inside you, you can BE the person you're meant to be instead of doing what you have been doing for the last while. Then, you need to make a choice about your husband. He deserves a woman who will love and respect him. Not cheat on him (and yes, he gave you permission, but don't you think that just KILLED his heart to allow you to do that? TO make you happy? That says ALOT about him and who he is...). Either way, I hope you come to some sort of conclusion so noone else gets hurt.

[justfine]

The reason your husband says that you can go out and have an affair is because he no longer loves you. He already knows you've been cheating on him and he's stopped caring about you and rightfully so.

 

Wake up! The world does not revolve around you. Stop being so selfish and consider the feelings of others who deserve to be treated fairly.

[PoshPrincess]

How can you even look "the wife" aka YOUR BESTFRIEND in the eyes after sleeping with her husband?

 

Stay in NC with the MM and you need to somehow end your friendship with your 'bestfriend'. If you stay friends with her, it's all based now on lies and you'll be making a fool of her. She could still find out the truth. Either by him or from someone else. NEVER say never, if you and the MM think noone knows about you two, think again. Especially if they have children....You have children so they could be snooping and listening to calls or something. You'd be surprised...

 

Also, get yourself into therapy. You obviously have become someone you don't like much and I think if you did therapy and figured out what is going on inside you, you can BE the person you're meant to be instead of doing what you have been doing for the last while. Then, you need to make a choice about your husband. He deserves a woman who will love and respect him. Not cheat on him (and yes, he gave you permission, but don't you think that just KILLED his heart to allow you to do that? TO make you happy? That says ALOT about him and who he is...). Either way, I hope you come to some sort of conclusion so noone else gets hurt.

 

CG, good advice here from WWIU, particularly the bit I have put in bold. I totally know where she's coming from. I had a fling with my exPartner's BF and it was the most stupid thing I ever could have done. Like you, I was feeling lonely, unsexy, whatever.... None of that was a good enough reason to go out and cheat and I will never understand what possessed me to be so stupid! To this day we have never been found out although I am constantly looking over my shoulder. No one knew about us and I am pretty confident the BF would never confess as he has even more to lose than I do but I just hate the fact that I did that to someone. My exP and I are very good friends and have a child together and if it all came out it would totally ruin our relationship. I still feel sick now, thinking about it.

[comicgirl]

The W has called and wants to have breakfast this am. So "we can hang out and gosh, we have not seen each other in a while have we?". That's what she said folks. I am crapping my pants. I had started to count on not seeing her at all. I told my husband what was posted earlier about him not loving me anymore and he laughed. Could be good or bad? He said he still loves me. Let's think of a thousand other things to talk to the W about at breakfast. I won't ask about MM. I swear.

 

The therapy sounds good but yet again all I'd have to talk about is me. ")