Dealing with insecurity

[ann]

Please help me with advice. I'm in a long distance relationship, I met this man 2 weeks ago, I went to visit him and we liked each other, actually I became quite attached to him and I am afraid a little bit too much. He promised me to come and visit me in the end of June. I understand his way of thinking, he wants to take it slow, he liked me but wants to spend more time with me naturally before we decide anything. And I am in no way intending to move faster than him, I want to give him all the space and time he needs, and let him make his own decisions.

I understand all this. But there is a problem, and it is entirely my problem and I don't know how to deal with it. I know that we don't have to communicate every day, especially if he feels that it is too much for him. But before we did, and it he seemed to be hapy to talk every day with the exeption of some days. I assume now that we know each other much better we just don't have so much to tell each other on a daily basis, messengers are so impersonal. But knowing all this I still panick every time he doesn't talk to me, I think that he doesn't need me, is not interested in me, and just disregards me. Somewhere in the back of my mind I understand that may be I am wrong, but the fear takes over.

I think that if I am patient and don't create unnecessary problems this relationship can work out being that he likes me and is interested in me and intends to visit me, and I live quite far away from him, so that should tell me something.

How should I deal with my irrational fears, impatience, insecurity, anxiety? I am disgusted at myself when I feel this way, I am an emotional wreck and I hate myself and I am sure he would not like it too if he knew. So far I didn't show that too him, I am not rushing things, but it is hard. If anybody has similar problems or knows of any ways to deal with my problem, please help me with advice.

[HokeyReligions]

You are feeling like this after two weeks? I think you need to get some counseling to help you deal with this fear. It may be a phobia of some kind, it may be that you've been hurt, it could be insecurity or even depression. But you need to get some help with this - especially if it makes you feel guilty.

 

You shouldn't expect anything after only two weeks - especially with the distance.

 

I would imagine that a guy who found out that a girl he met two weeks ago was stressing like this over him, would run for the hills. At least, that's what I would do in this situation!

 

No one owes anyone here - there are no commitments and you couldn't possibly know each other very well.

 

This is something you need to get to the root of and get help, or it could ruin your life.

[ann]

I know he doesn't owe me anything, and I suppose until we see each other again, we will have some communication, but not very frequent, something like twice a week or less. Just want to have a second opinion, if this is normal in my situation, and should we treat each other more like friends at this stage. Or what is the appropriate thing to do. For some people it comes naturally, but in my case I should have some discipline and rules as my emotions tend to ruin everything and I don't want to repeat the same mistakes over and over again.

[Reckless]

In a way I would have to agree with Hokey in that after only two weeks you don't have much to feel secure about - your relationship is only just beginning and you are investing way too much in someone who is actually a 'virtual' stranger.

 

Also I can't help but wonder if this guy really felt there was something to pursue. You were communicating frequently up until you met but afterwards it dropped off. You say that he seemed to like you but decided to wait another two months before meeting you again? Why? If most men see someone they are attracted to and wanted to get to know better in real life they might not choose to overwhelm her with intensity but would they say ' she seems nice, I'll ask her out in two months time...'? Most men would do everything in their power to see her again as soon as possible. Maybe there are other circumstances that come into play that you haven't mentioned but it sound as if he really is not so hot about getting to know you better or is not being totally honest with you and there is something keeping him from meeting you sooner (read: wife).

 

Don't feel 'disgusted' with yourself - it's normal to go off the deep end sometimes, especially in long distance relationships where it's mostly in your head anyway. You can instantly fall in love with what you believe you see and not necessarily what is there. Wait and see if there is a 'there' there and try and relax in the meantime.

[ann]

He cannot come right now because he is very far away - 19 hours of flying with at least 3 plane changes, which add up to 40 hours with all the waiting inbetween, it is quite expensive - and his vacations are in summer, he said he wants to spend two months with me so we could know each other better and then he would marry me and we go back together. This is his idea, and he told me about it many times.

Little things he said and did when I was there tell me he might not be indifferent to me, it might not be love ( though he said he loves me more than once), but I assume some kind of attraction might exist, (he told me I am beautiful, charming, nice, have a good heart, that I am the best woman in the world for everything).

I cannot just drop it, because it is stupid and not good for me, but I am in love with him and not able to forget him no matter how hard I try. If there is one chance out of a thousand that it might work, I would like to hope. Only I am not sure there is that chance. But what can I do in this situation? The best thing would be if he comes, and may be something more can develop then. The time we spent together was good, but it was very short.

Does it make any sense what I am thinking? I don't trust my own judgement now, I am too confused. And what is the best thing to do in this situation, may be to maintain contact without being overbearing and wait till June? Because right now he acts friendly and says he wants to come and if it is this way in June, may be he will come. I don't know if there is much hope, but I would like to do the right thing and at least not to ruin this possibility. What would be the right thing to do?

[Ladybug313]

"he would marry me and we go back together. " Whoa, he said that? He needs to slow down too then! I am sure you are a wonderful lady and all, but whoa! How is he so sure?

 

2 weeks is way too soon to be thinking about love and marriage. You really have to BE with the person consistently first to know if the sparks will fly. It's one thing to maintain long distance contact after that has been fully established, but you have to really really take it slow if you are in touch through messenger and what not after not meeting that much in person.

 

In this case I speak from experience because there was this guy I saw a total of two times before starting a long distance keep in touch thing ( also through messenger, tee hee) and like you after about 3 weeks I thought the sparks were flying, he was the one for me, he understood everything, he was in touch with me every single day. And then after some time he started contacting me less and I went through the exact emotions of "he's lost interest! he's found someone else! argh!" I think that's why sometimes it's bad to start something off in full throttle mode, cuz in a way, there is no other choice but to slow down and we then tend to take it negatively when really, nothing has changed. We just can't keep up high speed mode forever. Perhaps he's just reached a comfort zone with you and doesn't feel he needs to be in touch with you every single day. That happens once the initial curiousity and passions wears off. Don't worry about that so much. If he cares he'll stay in touch. What happened in my situation was that we did finally get to meet in person but after awhile he got really "busy" ( and he was right in my area so there was no excuse about not being able to physically come see me) and I totally knew he just wanted me around as a computer buddy to shoot the breeze with when he was bored. Not saying that is your case, but don't assume anything until you KNOW he and you are getting something going consistently after meeting in person. Consistently meeting in person.

 

Also, from what I read, aside from that totally scary "getting married" part, what was up with that, I think he wants to get to know you in person better before judging anything which I think is good. And before I read your last post I agreed with Reckless in that he didn't seem so hot to see you all the time, but if there is a distance thing then that is understandable. BE PATIENT. Just be in touch with him but do your own thing too. Find stuff that won't make you think about this so much. There's really nothing more that will show itself till the next time you meet up.

Just don't be like me and go into it thinking love, he's the one. I was pretty hurt. Take it slowly. Take his word for it that he does want to get to know you slowly. You'll know but be prepared to find out that he might not be "the one" either.

[ann]

Thank you very much for your encouraging words. I hope it's this way, but I feel very disturbed inside. He told me he was going to talk to me every day until he comes to visit me, on Sunday he told me "see you tomorrow", and monday went by, tuesday went by, he didn't talk to me. I don't call him naturally, what am I going to say. May be I am paranoid, or is my reaction normal? He did say on Sunday that he will come to visit me.

I just feel that now it is me looking for him, that if I don't look for him, he will not be looking for me. Or is it ok when a woman has the initiative? It was not like this before.

I really don't want to lose him, that's why even if the situation is not to my favour I am still looking for some way out. I feel like going back to visit him, though it is a crazy idea of course, he will not understand me. I just think time and space can destroy whatever attraction there was between us.

Now it is uncertainty, his constant absence and my rare attempts to communicate. Or could it be that he feels we don't have a lot to say to each other after we've seen each other and know each other's feelings and intentions? Should I slow down? May be it's ok that I am looking for him sometimes as long as that keeps the relationship going?

[Ladybug313]

hey Ann.

I keep coming back to this thread because a lot of your worries and thoughts sound a lot like the way I used to be and I can truly relate. HOWEVER, I've really learned (the hard way) that all this worrying just doesn't help. You don't know what's going on way over there where he is. He could be busy, he could be stressed. Maybe he's not feeling so great and just needs to do his own thing. Maybe he's having some personal issues he doesn' t want to talk about. Maybe maybe... Also like I said before, I think you guys just said so much so soon so it makes sense that at some point, there comes a lull where there's just not much to say. Maybe even a point of boredeom...but honestly, if you guys are meant to be together, things will go their course. And the more you think about this too much and the more you look for him, I don't know if people "sense" that or something, the more you may be pushing him away. I can't say if he is really losing interest or not. Sometimes that's the case, other times it's really not.

If it really really bothers you, would it hurt to just drop an email or something and ask if things are ok? Keep it light. I think if he takes a moment to write back it's a good sign at least. But don't make it too lengthy or do it more than once if he doesn't say anything. That will really turn him off. And if he doesn't reply, then forget about it. There's nothing you can do.

And there's nothing wrong with taking the initiative sometimes. Just dropping a note, or saying hi or something like that. Just not often.

He says he will come see you. Just look forward to that. Meeting in person will help you with all these doubts, I assure you. If he backs out though for no important reason, THEN something is up. There's no point in worrying before then though, cuz you won't find a solution unless he explicitly tells you something.

oh yeah, trivial point here: when a guy says "I'll call you tomorrow, I'll see you tomorrow" sometimes it's just like a greeting.

I have been there, done that. Give it time, take things as they come. You will know. And I think I have said all I need to say. I hope things work out for you.

[ann]

I have a temptation of asking him what he feels about me, because somehow I feel that he doesn't care. To remind him of his promises. May be I shouldn't do that, I don't know. It's just that in my mind I cannot put together everything he said and did before and his absence now. Why I wanted to do that is because it is a torture for me to be waiting for him day after day and in the end it's me who contacts him. May be he doesn't need me anymore and I am still waiting and making these attempts at talking to him. Or would I spoil everything by doing that? How should I act talking to him? I wouldn't want to make him annoyed or defensive.

[scoobs93]

The faster something comes, the faster it goes away........

[ann]

Something terrible is going on. I found out that he is gay, though he didn't admit it and I didn't ask him. But I have enough proof of that. He came back to talk to me when I stopped hoping. Said that our communication will never be lost now, he wants to see me. He talked to me one more time and disappeared again. I am devastated more than before now, after he gave me hope. I am still in love with him. I never met gay men, I don't know what they feel or think. Can he possibly want anything from the relationship with me? What does he feel next to a woman, what does he want in his life? Does he feel better with a man, or does he only feel good with a man?(he is not bisexual). Why would a gay man do this to me? Make me go all the way to see him, give me promises, that he doesn't or cannot fulfill. What is a woman to a gay man, who has an "intimate friend", and other gay partners? Can he be emotionally attached to them like normal men can be attached to women? Never thought I will find myself in this situation, but I am in the middle of it now, having all these questions in my mind that won't leave me in peace.

[noelle]

Ann,

 

I'm going through the same thing. If you ever need someone to talk to, a friend, drop me a line...

 

Have faith, hope to speak with you soon.

[noelle]

Ann,

 

I don't trust this guy. If he is gay and I don't dispute that he is he should have been up front with you from the start. The fact that he wasn't and knew you were heterosexual, I don't trust. I think you should stay away from him. You aren't in love, you're infatuated. And either way when your hopes are focused on something and a person seems to be the piece of the puzzle that would complete you, its hard to let go. But my gut tells me you need to let go and stay away.

 

There are other fish in the sea Ann, let go of this and re-focus your energies on something else.

 

G-d be with you.