"I just saw Alicia(the ex) at the gym"

[NorCalDave]

Why did my buddy Mike have to tell me that just now over the phone? Why did it make me instantly start sweating and feeling anxious?

Why did it make me have to take a walk and leave the office?

 

Why do friends feel the need to "inform" us when they see our ex's?

I was having a great day...I have a first drink-date tonight with a HOTTIE who seems totally sweet and cool, and I have been feeling pretty good lately and not dwelling on Alicia yet my buddy Mike calls me and nonchalantly just mentions that he walked by Alicia at the gym and now I feel horrible inside....

.....Her and I haven't spoken in a few weeks since I told her she can't live at my house if she doesn't want to date me.....she got pretty upset when I put that demand on her....but I had to do what was healthiest for me....I wanted her around, in my life, but it started feeling like torture having to see her living in my house every day and I couldn't touch her or kiss her or be intimate with her....it was great having her in my life, but how is anyone supposed to LIVE with someone who has REJECTED them TWICE??!!

I couldn't do it. I just couldn't remain sane.

 

 

Problem is, now I miss the heck out of her and only the good memories we had together come back into my mind.

Why does this always happen?

She was a selfish manipulative witch when she was living with me but now that she's gone, I somehow miss that????

Why do I miss someone who rejected me? Someone who said that our age gap makes it so we'll NEVER be together again...someone who said she could barely even REMEMBER the last time we slept together....someone who said she wants to "disconnect completely and move forward into the future."

 

I am just shook up because I am picturing her walking around the gym turning heads and that she's completely out of my life (probably for the better)....dang, does this EVER get easier? Will I ever get over this woman who has made my life miserable more than happy for the past 3 years?

[underpants]

It will get easier and yes, eventually you will get over her. It takes time and determination.

 

Of course you will get thrown for a loop here and there. Let these moments strengthen your resolve.

 

She did a number on you and not a good one.

 

Good luck on your date with the hottie.

[Curious139]

Yes it is hard and I sympathise. Just when you think you are getting over her a chance innocent remark from a friend can bring back all the pain as fresh as it was the day you broke up. I've been there.

 

If you can, tell your friends that you don't want to hear anything about her. However your distress is private and you might not like to admit how you feel to others so just go with the flow. It will get better.

 

The fact that you have a date is really positive - enjoy yourself.

 

You need to have No Contact with your ex - this is to allow you time to heal. You refer to various reasons for why you should dislike her - remember those moments, those things which really annoyed you - get angry about it if you want to. It is all part of reaching acceptance that she is an ex and can't hurt you any more. Best of luck.

[NorCalDave]

It will get easier and yes, eventually you will get over her. It takes time and determination.

 

Of course you will get thrown for a loop here and there. Let these moments strengthen your resolve.

 

She did a number on you and not a good one.

 

Good luck on your date with the hottie.

 

 

Hey Underpants! Long time no talk....thanks for the response.

Unbelievable how just PICTURING your ex can throw you into a tailspin, you know?

I have thought about her ALOT since our 1 millionth breakup, I must admit, but my buddy telling me he saw her just really made my body start reacting...it was crazy......the same thing happened a few weeks ago. It was a Sunday afternoon, I went to the mall to do some shopping, and RIGHT when I pull into the parking lot, I see Alicia's car staring me right in the face. My body reacted the same way.....sweating profusely, heart pounding a mile a minute, feeling anxious. I walked around the mall with my head on a swivel, paranoid that every woman was her.

NOT FUN!

I am just so clueless as to why I seem to selectively remember only the really good times (like 3 years ago!!) and I toss aside all the rejection and pain and suffering she's caused me by her pushing/pulling tactics.

And I guess I am still a little in shock from the whole move-in-to-my-house ordeal.

I moved her in thinking we would get back together. We were doing EVERYTHING together (but sex) for a month, and she desperately needed a place to stay, so I thought, "This can work!"....40 days later her room is cleaned out and she's moved to her parents house....and now a month later, I don't even know how to feel....Am I sad she's gone? Relieved she's gone? Guilty that I had to kick her out? Why do I miss her when she showed me NO LOVE and NO WARMTH and NO APPRECIATION, NOTHING.

Who would miss a person who treats them that way?

All because the first 6 months of our relationship -3 years ago when I was 26 and she was 46- were unbelievable???

Do I just need to wait for the next woman to come along to create happy memories with in order to get over her?

Sometimes it feels like she will ALWAYS have this hold on my heart.

I hate it. It sucks.

I have a date tonight that I am excited about. I just hope I can enjoy it.

[bchlvr]

It's understandable that you would be feeling shook up after your friend disclosed that he saw your ex. I think one reason is that it caught you off guard. It takes a lot of energy to re-adjust your activities, outlook, hopes, identity, etc., after a break up. That kind of disclosure serves only to restimulate your connection to your ex and residual longing. I wonder if your friend was telling you this not to be deliberately insensitive but giving him the benefit of the doubt, as a way of trying to connect with you around the breakup. Almost like saying, "how are you doing since your breakup."

I encountered the same thing among a group of friends and it sent me spinning. But the intensity of those feelings will die down. Just ride it out. What you are experiencing is completely normal, IMO. It seems unfair that the reminder of your ex came right at the moment when you are having a date with someone new. But memories and missing the good of what was would come up sooner or later because you are still in the process of dealing with the pain and loss and letting go.

Hang in there, this too shall pass.

[Ssheena]

Man am I familiar with what you are talking about. It's no fun at all. The heart palpitations, it's really like our fight or flight stuff kicks in and/or a HUGE amount of stress just gets let loose. I hate it.

 

Stay strong and don't beat yourself up for having feelings. You have made huge, huge progress.

[NorCalDave]

Thanks everyone.

My date was cool, I was attracted to her. But the ****ty thing was, as I was looking at her while she was talking, I couldn't help but think a few times, "Alicia is better looking"...I couldn't help it.....

....I don't know why the 1 woman in the world I want and think is so beautiful and right for me is actually wrong for me in so many ways and doesn't reciprocate my love.

I guess I just have to accept that it may be hard to find someone as attractive as her (in my eyes) physically. In my eyes she is a 10 without a doubt...maybe in time another 10 will come along, but with less issues and baggage.

I hate this "we only have 1 life" mentality I sometimes get into that makes me want to run back to her....I start to feel like if I let go and move on I'll never see her again and in my mind that is just...tragic and sad and horrible.

So I seem to never let go and she stays with me all the time even though I go about my life without her.

[underpants]

Thanks everyone.

My date was cool, I was attracted to her. But the ****ty thing was, as I was looking at her while she was talking, I couldn't help but think a few times, "Alicia is better looking"...I couldn't help it.....

....I don't know why the 1 woman in the world I want and think is so beautiful and right for me is actually wrong for me in so many ways and doesn't reciprocate my love.

I guess I just have to accept that it may be hard to find someone as attractive as her (in my eyes) physically. In my eyes she is a 10 without a doubt...maybe in time another 10 will come along, but with less issues and baggage.

I hate this "we only have 1 life" mentality I sometimes get into that makes me want to run back to her....I start to feel like if I let go and move on I'll never see her again and in my mind that is just...tragic and sad and horrible.

So I seem to never let go and she stays with me all the time even though I go about my life without her.

 

Well,

 

You are freshly out of your heartbreak. Hopefully, you have learned that trying to go back...only puts you back healing wise.

 

It is understandable that you can't just replace someone who had so much of an effect on you. Especially so soon.

 

You know, you only had one date with this girl. Who knows how much of a true 10 (inside and out) she (or someone else) could become with time.

 

I will take perhaps months to truly heal and let go of this Alicia girl. Months of being on your own without her in your life. If you can do that you will find yourself...saying... 'What was I thinking?'.

 

I see guys now all the time that I think are so much more better looking then my ex. Also, I am really thankful I did not wind up with him and I kind of feel bad for who does.

 

Chin up NCD. You are on the right path.

[NorCalDave]

Well,

 

You are freshly out of your heartbreak. Hopefully, you have learned that trying to go back...only puts you back healing wise.

 

It is understandable that you can't just replace someone who had so much of an effect on you. Especially so soon.

 

You know, you only had one date with this girl. Who knows how much of a true 10 (inside and out) she (or someone else) could become with time.

 

I will take perhaps months to truly heal and let go of this Alicia girl. Months of being on your own without her in your life. If you can do that you will find yourself...saying... 'What was I thinking?'.

 

I see guys now all the time that I think are so much more better looking then my ex. Also, I am really thankful I did not wind up with him and I kind of feel bad for who does.

 

Chin up NCD. You are on the right path.

 

Very rarely do I see women who compare physically to my ex.

I don't mean to sound shallow, but unless I have that TOTAL physical attraction, I'm not interested. I won't ever settle. I just wish I could find someone I'm as physically attracted to as I am Alicia. Her smell, hair, eyes, facial structure, smile, body, proportion, everything turns me on SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much....I just want to be turned on again, and I don't want her to have so many issues and be so emotionally unavailable.

I guess patience is key here, because holding onto Alicia in my heart just because she is perfect physically in my eyes is not getting me anywhere.

[LoveDeluxe78]

Why did my buddy Mike have to tell me that just now over the phone? Why did it make me instantly start sweating and feeling anxious?

Why did it make me have to take a walk and leave the office?

 

Why do friends feel the need to "inform" us when they see our ex's?

I was having a great day...I have a first drink-date tonight with a HOTTIE who seems totally sweet and cool, and I have been feeling pretty good lately and not dwelling on Alicia yet my buddy Mike calls me and nonchalantly just mentions that he walked by Alicia at the gym and now I feel horrible inside....

.....Her and I haven't spoken in a few weeks since I told her she can't live at my house if she doesn't want to date me.....she got pretty upset when I put that demand on her....but I had to do what was healthiest for me....I wanted her around, in my life, but it started feeling like torture having to see her living in my house every day and I couldn't touch her or kiss her or be intimate with her....it was great having her in my life, but how is anyone supposed to LIVE with someone who has REJECTED them TWICE??!!

I couldn't do it. I just couldn't remain sane.

 

 

Problem is, now I miss the heck out of her and only the good memories we had together come back into my mind.

Why does this always happen?

She was a selfish manipulative witch when she was living with me but now that she's gone, I somehow miss that????

Why do I miss someone who rejected me? Someone who said that our age gap makes it so we'll NEVER be together again...someone who said she could barely even REMEMBER the last time we slept together....someone who said she wants to "disconnect completely and move forward into the future."

 

I am just shook up because I am picturing her walking around the gym turning heads and that she's completely out of my life (probably for the better)....dang, does this EVER get easier? Will I ever get over this woman who has made my life miserable more than happy for the past 3 years?

 

OMG, same thing happened to me today! Why the hell did my buddy J tell me that he saw my ex, who he's real close friends with too, that he's already crushing on some new girls!

 

WTF!!!! J's supposed to be my friend! Why would he feel the need to just accidentally "inform" me about this knowing I'm in a new city and missing the hell out of my ex!!!! It's only been a week and the ex has already moved on? I was doing alright, moved to a whole new city, going out with old friends, and when I heard this, I was naseauted, and had to walk away and cry in the bathroom of a restaurant!

 

The other day he texted and called me, and I told him I wanted No Contact, that it would be the best for my psyche, but he turned it around and was mad at me about it! Being alone in this new city and feeling bad, I started talking to him, which made me relapse, only to hear about this news today

 

I feel you. Mine has rejected me too, 3 times: While in the relationship he was cold and distant and never wanted to be troubled with a real relationship 2nd, when I broke up with him, again he was non chalant, and then now, to find out he's already pursuing other girls a week after?!!!!

 

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[NorCalDave]

I know....for me, I wonder why she ever came back to me in the first place if she knew she was just going to dump me again when it was convenient for her...these people must not "feel" like we do otherwise they wouldn't be so cold and distant all the time.

I wake up every morning now, still missing her, beating myself up for making her move out....I miss her.....but it was absolutely the right thing to do for my sanity. There is no way I could keep living with her under the same roof when I know she doesn't want to be with me. Yeah I could have kept her here and I'd get a hug once in a while, but that would be scraps and I know I deserve more.

I just hate missing her and thinking about her and how things could have been handled differently. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad just being friends with her....but on 2nd thought, it was like torture, I remember, having to see her every day and not be able to have her.

But what's worse? Seeing her every day and not being able to have something within arm's reach, or not seeing her at all????

 

The writing's on the wall....we're over, move on, forget about it.

But I can't...I hate this!.....and Mike telling me he just saw her just makes it worse.

[Mitch R.]

NoCal - I'm glad I found this thread. I am going through the EXACT same thing you are right now, same situation, same everything. I don't really have much advice as I'm feeling the pain and I'm going to follow this thread and chime in if I can.

[Kamille]

I hate this "we only have 1 life" mentality I sometimes get into that makes me want to run back to her....I start to feel like if I let go and move on I'll never see her again and in my mind that is just...tragic and sad and horrible.

So I seem to never let go and she stays with me all the time even though I go about my life without her.

 

You only have one life. That is precisely why you have determined to endure the heartbreak and distance yourself from someone who is doing you harm.

 

You deserve to be with a 10 who will make you happy.

 

And as for the '10' thing, I know exactly what you mean. You will meet a perfect 10 for you again. Once you've healed, you will be more open to seeing someone else's beauty. And you won't believe this now, but there will come a day when you will wonder why you thought your ex was soooo hot. Really.

[NorCalDave]

NoCal - I'm glad I found this thread. I am going through the EXACT same thing you are right now, same situation, same everything. I don't really have much advice as I'm feeling the pain and I'm going to follow this thread and chime in if I can.

 

 

Tell me your situation. Maybe I can help.

I've been dealing with this woman for over 3 years. We started out ON FIRE! A 20 year age gap, the new hot thing at the gym. The first 6 months were the best of my life. But over the next 3 years, she would push me away, and pull me in, push me away, and pull me in....I always let myself get pulled back in because I never let myself get over her...I still haven't, obviously. Last fall, a year ago, we got back together and things were great until all of a sudden she didn't want to have sex anymore...so she left me again, and I spent the next 5 months missing her and pining for her....she needed a place to stay in June, so I moved her in to my house under the guise of friendship. She wanted friendship and I wanted more.

I tried dealing with my feelings as best as I could, but when you LIVE with someone, and see them every day, and you are 100% attracted to them, it can feel like torture if they don't want you back.

So, one day in early August, I told her it would be best if she moved out because I am on edge all the time and I don't like feeling rejected all the time either.

The next morning she and her cats were gone.

Fast forward a month later and I miss the hell out of her. I am blaming myself for how it ended up..."if only I could control my feelings, she'd still be here, and if she were still here, the odds of us getting back together would be much better."

But no regrets it is what it is.

Now she won't talk to me because she feels backstabbed (telling her to move in, then kicking her out because she doesn't want me) and it feels like not only have I lost my ex but also my friend.

I think she is the most beautiful woman in the world, and I wish I could be around her every day again, just to hear how her day was and be with someone whom I love so much.

But, she's gone. It is what it is. That's my story.

[Mitch R.]

Wow, this situation sounds so similar it's scary. We started dating in June of 05. Things were great, we had sex and it lasted up until about March 06'. Then she doesn't want to have sex anymore because of her faith.

 

I broke it off in Oct' of 06. I started dating someone else (bad move I know) and I wasn't really attracted to her. The Ex calls me 2 weeks later and we started dating again. She told me the "no-sex" wouldn't ever happen again. Well, it lasted until Dec. and then the same old thing. I started getting very resentful and finally this past June, I said that's it again, and I explained that I felt like I had a room mate and not a relationship. She left in early June and I'd had some brief communications with her.

 

Now, here's what happend last weekend. Mind you I'd not seen her since we broke up in June:

 

She emails me saying she wants to see the dogs. I ask why and she says she just wants to see them. I pick her up and bring her back to my house. I felt like I was getting alot of mixed messages. Here are some examples:

 

1. I had some of her things that I'd asked her to pick up. I said "Let's take these down to the car" She responds "No, I don't have room where I'm staying". I say "It's not that much stuff and I need to get it out of here". She responds with "Leave it here for when I move back in . . . laugh . . . just kidding"

 

2. Tells me she's "talking" to someone, then it turns into "I have genuine feelings for this person, and he's not nearly as attractive as you are"

 

3. Calls me honey (she attributed it to force of habit, I don't know what to make of that)

 

4. Says "I'm having fun, this is alot of fun being here"

 

5. Said she's not sure if new relationship is a rebound relationship or not"

 

I didn't play into anything, I told her she'd have to figure out on her own if it was a rebound. She asked if I was jealous and I said no.

 

 

She called the next day, asked if I wanted to come over that night. Said I had plans.

 

Called me the next morning asking if I wanted to go to the park. Again, I had plans, and told her I could stop by later. She said she'd call me around 4 that afternoon, she calls at 8 and I'm busy.

 

I called her back around 9, we talked a bit, she said she'd call me the next day or on Thurs, and I've not heard from her since.

 

I did drop those things off on Thurs. as her room mate was there.

 

I've not made any effort to contact her, why is this driving me nuts? What are your thoughts on what she was doing when she was here on Fri, and how do you think I handled it?

[CaliGuy]

Very rarely do I see women who compare physically to my ex.

I don't mean to sound shallow, but unless I have that TOTAL physical attraction, I'm not interested. I won't ever settle..

 

This is why you will continue to fail in your relationships, Dave.

 

You are much more concerned with WHAT a woman is than WHO she is. This is why you'll allow women to treat you like dirt because what you really want is sex.

 

I hear you describe your first-drink date as a hottie. Great. But WHO is she and what is she all about?

 

Until you get your prorities straight in your relationships you're going to continue falling face first into the "nice guy" syndrome.

[Yamaha]

Very rarely do I see women who compare physically to my ex.

I don't mean to sound shallow, but unless I have that TOTAL physical attraction, I'm not interested. I won't ever settle. I just wish I could find someone I'm as physically attracted to as I am Alicia. Her smell, hair, eyes, facial structure, smile, body, proportion, everything turns me on SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much....I just want to be turned on again, and I don't want her to have so many issues and be so emotionally unavailable.

I guess patience is key here, because holding onto Alicia in my heart just because she is perfect physically in my eyes is not getting me anywhere.

 

 

How sad. You don't know what being attracted to someone really is if you think it is all about the physical. I agree with CG; you will always fail if you continue to judge a person by their physical makeup. Without being able to judge their character you will never be able to sustain a relationship.

[Trialbyfire]

NCD, I understand what it's like to see the ex after months of NC. It hits you like a ton of bricks but surprisingly, it goes away much faster and less painfully each time, until you feel nothing.

 

I agree that you should try to focus on what's inside of your ex. She's not nice people, regardless of how attractive the external package is to you. Remember...core rot is core rot.

[oppath]

TBF hits it on the head. It's not that she is fundamentally a bad person, but she is bad for you, and she has jerked you around in the past and taken advantage of you.

 

Get to the stage where if she were to ask for you back you'd say "**** no. You lost out on this." It sounds like you are heading that way.

[NorCalDave]

Wow, this situation sounds so similar it's scary. We started dating in June of 05. Things were great, we had sex and it lasted up until about March 06'. Then she doesn't want to have sex anymore because of her faith.

 

I broke it off in Oct' of 06. I started dating someone else (bad move I know) and I wasn't really attracted to her. The Ex calls me 2 weeks later and we started dating again. She told me the "no-sex" wouldn't ever happen again. Well, it lasted until Dec. and then the same old thing. I started getting very resentful and finally this past June, I said that's it again, and I explained that I felt like I had a room mate and not a relationship. She left in early June and I'd had some brief communications with her.

 

Now, here's what happend last weekend. Mind you I'd not seen her since we broke up in June:

 

She emails me saying she wants to see the dogs. I ask why and she says she just wants to see them. I pick her up and bring her back to my house. I felt like I was getting alot of mixed messages. Here are some examples:

 

1. I had some of her things that I'd asked her to pick up. I said "Let's take these down to the car" She responds "No, I don't have room where I'm staying". I say "It's not that much stuff and I need to get it out of here". She responds with "Leave it here for when I move back in . . . laugh . . . just kidding"

 

2. Tells me she's "talking" to someone, then it turns into "I have genuine feelings for this person, and he's not nearly as attractive as you are"

 

3. Calls me honey (she attributed it to force of habit, I don't know what to make of that)

 

4. Says "I'm having fun, this is alot of fun being here"

 

5. Said she's not sure if new relationship is a rebound relationship or not"

 

I didn't play into anything, I told her she'd have to figure out on her own if it was a rebound. She asked if I was jealous and I said no.

 

 

She called the next day, asked if I wanted to come over that night. Said I had plans.

 

Called me the next morning asking if I wanted to go to the park. Again, I had plans, and told her I could stop by later. She said she'd call me around 4 that afternoon, she calls at 8 and I'm busy.

 

I called her back around 9, we talked a bit, she said she'd call me the next day or on Thurs, and I've not heard from her since.

 

I did drop those things off on Thurs. as her room mate was there.

 

I've not made any effort to contact her, why is this driving me nuts? What are your thoughts on what she was doing when she was here on Fri, and how do you think I handled it?

 

 

Mitch, it sounds like to me she is putting her feelers out for you, and I think you are handling it correctly by being unavailable and kind of aloof.

I think she mentioned this new relationship just to see how you'd react.

My first reaction is that she is being childish.

She probably misses you and this is her way of showing it.

I only wish my ex would throw me those scraps.

She won't even talk to me. I went to our spiritual center today and really got my eyes opened up about a lot of things, and I was feeling so inspired that I called my ex and apologized for putting demands on her and maniupulating her and stuff, and she hasn't called back and I don't expect her to.

I can't tell you how regretful I feel for losing my cool and telling her to get out if she doesn't want a relationship with me.

If I was going to move her into my house as a friend, I should have respected her wishes to remain friends and just tried my best to be a roommate and friend. Why did I have to freak out? Why did I let my emotions get the best of me?

Now, once again, she's out of my life, and I miss her and I feel like I have to pursue her again....but now she probably doesn't trust anything I say because she probably only thinks I want to get her in bed.

The reality is, I am probably codependent on her and this is why I am missing her.

When she was here, it wasn't like it was peaches and rosey.

There was a woman in my house who I felt so much attraction for, but I also felt rejection from her, and this caused me to do and say things that were out of my mind. Like telling her she can't date anyone else if she's living under my roof.

What am I her father?

How dare I say that!

I just feel bad, and am beating myself up now, because I miss her, and even if she didn't want to be with me, at least I could have still seen her every day and had my friend back.

It's just so confusing.

 

I think you are doing the right thing.

What do you want with her? Do you sense she wants you back?

[Mitch R.]

Thanks for your reply and analysis. I popped her a quick email today and she replied. I asked if I could have 20 min of her time. She then called me. I told her I wanted to put closure on things. She said she didn't know I had these feelings. She then went on to say, in so many words that it was all my fault. She said she did think about me all week and then received me email today. She ended the call by saying that she wasn't going to talk about this in front of her niece and then goodbye.

 

So that's that, but she didn't even allow me to say anything I wanted to say. I put alot into this relationship, and I think I feel better now knowing that she pretty much brought up things from a year ago that she'd never mentioned.

 

So, I plan to either call or send a follow up email indicating that I don't want to contact me and that I'm moving on. In regards to the event that happened last week, she wouldn't give me a reason as to the things that she said that confused me.

 

I'm glad, even though I didn't get to say what I wanted to say, I now see where she stands and I don't buy what she said. Some of it was true, mistakes I had made, but I now realize there's no hope in reconciling nor do I want to reconcile because it seems like it would never work.

 

For example, we broke up last Oct. for 2 weeks. She brought up things tonight that happened before we were broken up that she was mad about!! I said why are you telling me this now? Again, no answer.

 

So I'll either call or email, wish her the best, ask her not to contact me in the future, and move on. I actually feel a wave or relief.

 

But what I'm wondering is why she said "I thought about you all last week and then I saw your email today"

 

What are your thoughts?

 

Thanks

[NorCalDave]

I don't know what to think of your situation. I'm probably not the best one to ask as tears are coming down my face as I write this. If you are wanting to move on and forget about her, then just do it. If you want to get back together, then tell her. As far as what she's doing it sounds like there are some things she has buried within herself that she hasn't told you about.

I feel depressed and miserable right now. I feel so alone. I feel such regret for kicking her out, even though everyone told me to do it.

I feel guilty for putting demands on her, because now she's gone in the wind and she still hasn't returned my call from earlier. She probably won't.

At least when she was here, I had a buddy to do things with. Movies, shopping, church, the gym.

Now, all because I got greedy and told her I want a relationship, she got scared off and ran away.

I want to somehow get her back but now she not only doesn't trust me she doesn't even want to be friends.

And we did get along well as friends, which made me want her even more because here is this beautiful woman who I get along with great, who happens to be totally emotionally unavailable, and why did I have to force things?

Even if we did get back together, it wouldn't have been because I demanded it, it would have been because we trust each other, we get along so well, and we love each other.

She did tell me we'd never get back together, so maybe I am sad for no reason.

Maybe I should be happy she's gone.

I just feel sad, alone, and regretful and there's nothing I can do about it.

I've never really thought about suicide until today. Not that I would, but my reality in my head right now is just awful.

All I had to do was just keep my cool and she'd still be around...but no...

[Kamille]

NCD, stop beating yourself up. NOW. Snap out of it and stop blaming yourself. I feel like you are so wrapped up in your pain that you are having a hard time listening to the many voices of reason offering their honest support here.

 

What I gather from your story tells me that she is as responsible as you for the way things unfolded while she was living at your house. Sure you offered to help her by letting her stay, but is she so self-involved that she didn't realize that moving with an ex was going to be complicated, especially an ex who had given many signs that he wasn't over her?

 

The situation was unhealthy for you. You wanted more. You were honest by asking for more. And then when she refused, you did the right thing for yourself - you protected yourself. You know what? Protecting yourself is the healthiest of all reflex. Letting her stay, denying your feelings would have sunken you down even further.

 

It's obvious that you did the right thing by asking her to leave. In fact, your tortured state of mind in your posts are proof that you did the right thing. You need to detoxify yourself. In that last post it was the addiction speaking. Yes, your addiction to her.

 

I say addiction because you sounded in that post like you were having symptoms of withdrawal. It's a feeling of anxiety that leads us to see everything in black and white and leads us to question ourselves because the decisions we made took our 'drug' away from us. We will blame whoever took it away, but we won't blame the drug for the harm it has done. The good news about withdrawal is that everyday, the addiction gets just a little bit weaker.

 

Stick to NC, NorthCal. It will get easier. You obviously are a healthy man-you have known when to draw the line with this woman. You just got stuck in an unhealthy pattern of thinking.

[Mitch R.]

NCD -

 

Yes, it is very tough, but seriously, don't beat yourself up! She tried to beat me up on the phone tonight and I didn't let her. It wasn't all your fault, and things do get better. I could say "I'm going to sit around and see what happens and hope she calls", but I'm choosing to say "I'm going out on a date with another gal this week", which I am and am very much looking forward to. This gal wants nothing serious, and if she ends up being a friend for now, that's fine with me, I am not in a rush. But, I'm going to get back up on the horse, no one's holding me down!!

 

Regarding my last post, something hit me like a ton of bricks while driving home this evening: As soon as I said the word "closure", I was barely able to get a word in edgewise. I called back after my last post and asked if I could get a couple minutes to say what I didn't get to say regarding the closure. She explained that she was on the phone, her sister was coming over, and that I wouldn't be able to talk to her on the phone tonight, and to send her an email.

 

. . . and that's exactly what I'm going to do, I'm going to close it via an email. This way I can think about and say what I want to say without getting interrupted.

 

Instead of sending it tonight, I'm going to wait a week or so so I can be sure I say what I want to say. I have a date next week, and I'm looking forward and not backward.

 

Again, strange that she said she's been thinking about me the entire week but then went on to tell me how much of a scumbag I am LOL. Seriously, I felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders tonight. The tension in my stomach disappeared and I immediately felt relieved, still do.

[LoveDeluxe78]

I completely understand you Dave!!! While for me it's not so much the physical looks, but it's the chemistry that makes it so hard for me!! It's hard letting go of someone whom I know is bad for me because our chemistry was so strong, and I'm afraid I can't find it with someone else. I do realize that by just focusing on chemistry and not other factors,such as compatibility, etc., that I am selling myself short, but that instant feeling of chemistry is so important to me! I think for the next time, I am going to take the more mature approach in that I will want a more balanced relationship, that is, not just chemistry, but chemistry and compatibility, and with someone who respects me and wants to be with me!

 

Chemistry or physical attraction alone is just not going to cut it if the person is wrong for us!!!!