"I just saw Alicia(the ex) at the gym"

[NorCalDave]

Good for you then. You seem relieved!!

Glad you know what you want.

Thanks for the advice, I will try not to be hard on myself.

I guess she is my drug.

I guess it was toxic.

I guess I miss that toxic.

[Trialbyfire]

You miss the highs and the lows, which is the same thing a junkie misses. Stay strong with NC. Your withdrawal symptoms will lessen over time.

[NorCalDave]

I completely understand you Dave!!! While for me it's not so much the physical looks, but it's the chemistry that makes it so hard for me!! It's hard letting go of someone whom I know is bad for me because our chemistry was so strong, and I'm afraid I can't find it with someone else. I do realize that by just focusing on chemistry and not other factors,such as compatibility, etc., that I am selling myself short, but that instant feeling of chemistry is so important to me! I think for the next time, I am going to take the more mature approach in that I will want a more balanced relationship, that is, not just chemistry, but chemistry and compatibility, and with someone who respects me and wants to be with me!

 

Chemistry or physical attraction alone is just not going to cut it if the person is wrong for us!!!!

 

 

This is EXACTLY what I'm discovering about this relationship. We HAD great chemistry, and I still have it with her, but she doesn't feel it I guess, otherwise she'd want to have sex and be with me and stuff.

But now, we don't have the chemistry or the compatibility or anything...it's kind of sad.

We can't be lovers, we can't be friends, we can't be roommates.

So why do I pine to see her so bad? Especially after my buddy tells me how hot she looks....I know, it's just an unhealthy drug for me, and I want it back.

 

But yes, I am learning, that chemistry can not carry a relationship.

[LoveDeluxe78]

This is EXACTLY what I'm discovering about this relationship. We HAD great chemistry, and I still have it with her, but she doesn't feel it I guess, otherwise she'd want to have sex and be with me and stuff.

But now, we don't have the chemistry or the compatibility or anything...it's kind of sad.

We can't be lovers, we can't be friends, we can't be roommates.

So why do I pine to see her so bad? Especially after my buddy tells me how hot she looks....I know, it's just an unhealthy drug for me, and I want it back.

 

But yes, I am learning, that chemistry can not carry a relationship.

 

I know, and what's hard is that we were friends before we were bf/gf! I miss him as a friend even more, but I can't just be friends with him! I don't know what I miss more, the friendship, or the relationship! Whatever, I can't do the friendship thing right now, NC is where it's at! Trust me it gets easier, I'm starting to feel it. No longer crying at night, feeling like I'm quitting him cold turkey, like a drug, now I am starting to feel there's hope for the future, so keep busy and hang in there!!!

[NorCalDave]

This is why you will continue to fail in your relationships, Dave.

 

You are much more concerned with WHAT a woman is than WHO she is. This is why you'll allow women to treat you like dirt because what you really want is sex.

 

I hear you describe your first-drink date as a hottie. Great. But WHO is she and what is she all about?

 

Until you get your prorities straight in your relationships you're going to continue falling face first into the "nice guy" syndrome.

 

 

I see what you mean. My ex is a hottie but she's totally unavailable, can be quite mean and bitchy sometimes, seems pretty selfish and narcissistic and maybe even a sociopath, doesn't show me love or warmth or affection and generally doesn't seem to care about me.

So, why do I feel so bad that she's gone?

Why do I miss someone who was never there for me anyways?

Is it the withdrawal from the addiction that I'm feeling?

 

 

My date with this other girl went well, but 2 nights later we met up again (Saturday) and her "husband" showed up as well and introduced himself to me. I guess he followed her there.

Fun, awkward stuff.

It was a bad weekend. I went to my high school sweatheart's wedding, I got to meet my new date's husband, and I caved in and left a message for my ex, and she hasn't called me back.

Yeah, great weekend.

[sunnysideup1]

I don't get it...your new date was married and didn't tell you about it or is this her creepy ex-husband? Either way, that's too weird for my taste! I'm sure for yours as well.

 

Ugh, weddings. Thank G-d I've only had to attend one and that was my cousin's wedding so it wasn't so bad. But I imagine a high school sweethearts wouldn't be the happiest thing to see, especially what with the situation you're in now.

 

Honestly, I think your feelings are due to the withdrawal from "the drug". If you continue down the NC path, I really think this will lessen in time. It seems as if these random pop ups into your life that she does just brings you back to square 1 which makes it seem like it's taking you "forever" to get over her, when really it's not. How do you get over someone you love (or think you love) when they constantly make confusing appearences in your life? In my opinion, I think if these appearances were to stop, you'd be a lot further along than you are now. But everything takes time regardless.

[NorCalDave]

I don't get it...your new date was married and didn't tell you about it or is this her creepy ex-husband? Either way, that's too weird for my taste! I'm sure for yours as well.

 

Ugh, weddings. Thank G-d I've only had to attend one and that was my cousin's wedding so it wasn't so bad. But I imagine a high school sweethearts wouldn't be the happiest thing to see, especially what with the situation you're in now.

 

Honestly, I think your feelings are due to the withdrawal from "the drug". If you continue down the NC path, I really think this will lessen in time. It seems as if these random pop ups into your life that she does just brings you back to square 1 which makes it seem like it's taking you "forever" to get over her, when really it's not. How do you get over someone you love (or think you love) when they constantly make confusing appearences in your life? In my opinion, I think if these appearances were to stop, you'd be a lot further along than you are now. But everything takes time regardless.

 

My new date told me she was separated from her ex hubby and the divorce was near finalization. She mentioned he's in denial about it, but I didn't really pay any attention to it. I had no idea he would show up looking for her or whatever. Too weird for me. I said good night to them both and went home...I went home alone, again, and so wished that I at least had my ex to go home to and talk with.

I wish she could still be in the house because then I have the best of both worlds. I can go out and date and come home to my ex and have her there as a security blanket. But she up and moved away, leaving me feeling more alone than ever. I hate this I keep beating myself up for her being gone but I guess it was inevitable...ex's aren't supposed to live with one another. But it was a nice security blanket to go home to....now she won't even call me back and I just wish I could go back in time but I can't.

When she was there, I remember thinking, "Just chill, you have the woman you've been pining for IN YOUR HOUSE, so don't freak out and ruin it...but what did I do? I went ahead and freaked out and ruined it and she's gone.

That one Saturday where I called her to see if she wanted me to throw a steak on for her, and she said she was at a movie by herself and didn't want anything from me. I said, "I'm just trying to be thoughtful and make you dinner."

She said, "Don't do me any favors", and "I thought we were trying to just be roommates"...so I said, "Well, you're gone then. You're out. I'm not going to live with someone who doesn't even want to be friends with me or won't let me make them dinner."

Later that night we spoke and I broke down again and told her she couldn't live here unless she promised to not date anyone else.

This of course is a huge invasion of her privacy and was not fair to say to her, so now she's gone and I am the one missing her.

Sucks. Regret sucks.

[JCD]

Dave, she is a drug and you're going thru the withdrawals. You would have never healed with her in your home. Be glad and go NC so you can heal. Now, it's true that asking her to be your roomie while under false pretense is something you shouldn't have done but it wasn't you talking. It was you on the drugs talking. You wanted her because you thought things would change and she would love you again.

 

Also, imagine you don't like some girl X but who is in love with you. The X will come to you and starts saying that she misses you and tells you that you mean the world to her and that she will do anything for you, etc. Do you really want to hear this or do you wish she would walk away leaving you alone? I bet you tell her to scram and not to bother you because you're not into her. This is how you girl feels about you, you feel like you have to open up to her, explain how bad to her you were and that you're not really like that, etc. But all she cares about is you leaving her alone, she's not interested in you expressing your feelings to her. This is reality no matter how hard you try to fantasize about winning her back, she doesn't want you. This is one of the hardest lessons I had to learn and most importantly accept.

[NorCalDave]

Dave, she is a drug and you're going thru the withdrawals. You would have never healed with her in your home. Be glad and go NC so you can heal. Now, it's true that asking her to be your roomie while under false pretense is something you shouldn't have done but it wasn't you talking. It was you on the drugs talking. You wanted her because you thought things would change and she would love you again.

 

Also, imagine you don't like some girl X but who is in love with you. The X will come to you and starts saying that she misses you and tells you that you mean the world to her and that she will do anything for you, etc. Do you really want to hear this or do you wish she would walk away leaving you alone? I bet you tell her to scram and not to bother you because you're not into her. This is how you girl feels about you, you feel like you have to open up to her, explain how bad to her you were and that you're not really like that, etc. But all she cares about is you leaving her alone, she's not interested in you expressing your feelings to her. This is reality no matter how hard you try to fantasize about winning her back, she doesn't want you. This is one of the hardest lessons I had to learn and most importantly accept.

 

So it sounds like you have gone through the same thing, huh?

Yeah, it does feel like withdrawal from a drug. The last few days I have gotten really close to calling her, and I actually did on Sunday...I went to church in the hopes I might run into her, and then the gym afterwards (that used to be our Sunday routine), and she wasn't anywhere to be found. So I got weak and left her a message Sunday. She hasn't called back. I knew she wouldn't...so why would I call then???

You're right, she wants nothing to do with me...when I was her "friend" and helping her out and paying for things and storing her stuff in my garage, she loved me and I was suddenly an important person in her life...then my feelings grew, I wanted more, she didn't give more, and now she's gone and wants nothing to do with me....I just don't understand how someone can be that way?

She just dumps the whole friendship simply because I have feelings for her.

I just feel this emptiness when I go home now. Her things are all cleared out and there is a new roommate in her room and things just feel different.

Many people have told me that she should have never even moved in in the first place...but it felt so good being around her and she was vulnerable and needed my help....it felt good to help someone but after a while I started to feel like "What's in this for me?" I wasn't getting any benefits from being friends with her. I would get her attention and conversation, but that was it....I would want a hug, she wouldn't give it. I would want her to ask about my day, she would only tell me about hers. I wanted her to join me for a morning walk, she would sleep in then jet to the gym by herself...we would go dancing at clubs and she'd dance with me but keep me at arm's length.

The whole time I was trying to get close and she was keeping me at arms length, like she does every other man.

I started to ask her for more like every 3 days and I wish I could have just backed off and not pursued her so much...maybe she would have been interested after a while...

....she didn't return my call Sunday and that should tell me everything...she doesn't want to talk to me.

Why do I feel the need to "patch things up" with someone who doesn't love me anymore and only wanted "friendship" because it suited her well because she got all this attention and love and didn't feel any pressure to give anything back because she wasn't obligated to....

...but I feel this urge to make things right and be friends again because I miss the little things....but from her perspective she just wants to cut the chord...or it's too soon to start talking again because the last time we spoke she was still pretty bitter at me.

I can't change the past, I can't change the fact that I still love her and she doesn't want me.

How do I make things better?

And why does going NC with her (successful for 3 weeks now) scare me to death?

Why does it feel like I can't live with her or without her?

[JCD]

I've been there, still am. She's a drug, plain and simple. You miss her. Were you ever on cloud 9 when you thought about her? Did she brought you happiness when she talked to you? I bet she did. You miss all those feelings she stirred inside you. From what you wrote, I think she just wanted to be your friend and had the right to reject you. She even might have lead you on a little bit which was not cool. Just be VERY glad that she is out of your sight because let me tell you that I find it incredibly hard to heal when I see her at work every morning and sometimes walking around with her new boyfriend which kills me. The only thing that helped me was when she quit while ago, but she came back, ughh.

[Curious139]

You are absolutely right about the drug. Specifically it is dopamine which is a neurotransmitter and makes us feel good. Too much of it and you become manic - too little and you are depressive.

 

When we lose the one we love we crave the dopamine which their presence gave us. It takes a long time for our brains to adjust so be kind to yourselves - there is no quick fix but NC helps, hard as it is to do.

 

There is another mood enhancing neurotransmitter, seretonin which is also involved. It becomes depleted and causes depression when something bad happens. Once you recognise that, you can accept that your brain is working to get back to its normal levels and your feelings of loss and sadness have a chemical explanation.

 

It doesn't mean the loss is any less real but you will recover. Be strong. NC.

[Ssheena]

She is actually doing you a favor by not calling you back. Really.

[NorCalDave]

You are absolutely right about the drug. Specifically it is dopamine which is a neurotransmitter and makes us feel good. Too much of it and you become manic - too little and you are depressive.

 

When we lose the one we love we crave the dopamine which their presence gave us. It takes a long time for our brains to adjust so be kind to yourselves - there is no quick fix but NC helps, hard as it is to do.

 

There is another mood enhancing neurotransmitter, seretonin which is also involved. It becomes depleted and causes depression when something bad happens. Once you recognise that, you can accept that your brain is working to get back to its normal levels and your feelings of loss and sadness have a chemical explanation.

 

It doesn't mean the loss is any less real but you will recover. Be strong. NC.

 

Yeah, that's exactly what's going on. This woman has always brought up my dopamine levels, BIG TIME. I get into conversations with her and workout with her and anytime I am just around her, all these gushing feelings flow through my body and I LOVE THAT FEELING. To me there is nothing like talking to someone and desiring someone you are insanely attracted to. It's a rush.

When I don't have her around, I don't have that rush.

So, THAT'S WHY I've been trying to get her back for so long.

And THAT'S WHY it was so painful living with her in my house...because I would have all those feelings flowing through my body but I knew nothing was going to happen and I knew she was rejecting me.

Now, I am beating myself up for not taking it slower with her and concentrating too much on the "physical" side of our relationship.

When she was in the house, I would constantly make little remarks like "My bed is REAL comfy..", or "Come sit on the couch next to me"...and "free rent in my room!".....I was on another website today (Agelesslove.com) and one of the ladies was saying the key to sustaining loving relationships is to go slow and steady, set the foundation of friendship and trust first, before anything.

So now I am beating myself up even more, thinking, 'All I had to do was go slow with her and just try and be her friend and go slow and steady.'

Instead, I pressured her all the time and made it seem like all I wanted was sex.

Darn it, I hate this "what if" crap.

I bet you if I had backed off and maybe even brought another girl over to the house and just try and be a trusting friend, she'd probably start to want me again....or maybe I should have just gone in the hottub with her a few times and make her see what she's missing out on....

...BUT I COULDN'T CONTROL MYSELF AROUND HER.

She brought out so much sexual attraction that that was all I ever thought about with her...darn it I ****ING HATE ALL THIS REGRET.

[Yamaha]

She brought out so much sexual attraction that that was all I ever thought about with her

 

This is not love. You are so obsessed that you keep writing about this women that doesn't want you and you want us to sympathize even though we have told you many times what to do. There comes a time when it is up to you to change and you are at that point. Writing about it just keeps the obsession which you desire. It's time to **** or get off the pot.

[CaliGuy]

This is not love. You are so obsessed that you keep writing about this women that doesn't want you and you want us to sympathize even though we have told you many times what to do. There comes a time when it is up to you to change and you are at that point. Writing about it just keeps the obsession which you desire. It's time to **** or get off the pot.

 

Yamaha, "Dave's not here, maaaaan."

 

Dave is like many LS posters. They will ignore the best advice because it does not agree with them. In Dave's case, he's repeated time and time again that he's sexually attracted to this woman and will do anything to have her, up to and including tossing his self-respect out the door.

 

Then when the option comes to pursue other relationships, all he can think about is "How hot they are."

 

His concept of love is being driving by the little brain, not the big one. Until he gets a handle on his hormones, he's going to keep falling face first into the quagmire.

[CaliGuy]

...BUT I COULDN'T CONTROL MYSELF AROUND HER.

 

Dave, FYI this is one of the most unattractive qualities in men or women. Lack of self-control is an immature quality in adults.

 

Who's in control of your emotions and desires, Dave? If you are not in control of them, they are in control of you and this alone would explain why you are failing miserably.

[underpants]

Yamaha, "Dave's not here, maaaaan."

 

Dave is like many LS posters. They will ignore the best advice because it does not agree with them. In Dave's case, he's repeated time and time again that he's sexually attracted to this woman and will do anything to have her, up to and including tossing his self-respect out the door.

 

Then when the option comes to pursue other relationships, all he can think about is "How hot they are."

 

His concept of love is being driving by the little brain, not the big one. Until he gets a handle on his hormones, he's going to keep falling face first into the quagmire.

 

I am sorry.

 

However, this is one time when I have to pull the gender card...and my trusty 2x4.

 

Dave, wake the heck up.

 

Really, here is a cold wet wash cloth. Feel the slap across your face?

 

Wake up....Wake up...Wake up.

 

She is your unfortunate PAST.

 

Where is it that you want to go?

 

Is it a competition? To make her suffer...believe me...she is digging her own hole...(this is genderless...she is just not a good person)

 

You need to analyse what it is that you want for yourself....and leave your past out of it.

 

I had a silly thought at some point during your angst...Let's say that Alicia decided that she really loved you (I don't think she has this capacity but for argument sake...let's pretend). Then low and behold she met with an accident that left her ...disabled or with horrible scars. How would you feel then?

 

Sorry, I just needed to give you some tough love...

 

It is time to think NCD.

[NorCalDave]

I am sorry.

 

However, this is one time when I have to pull the gender card...and my trusty 2x4.

 

Dave, wake the heck up.

 

Really, here is a cold wet wash cloth. Feel the slap across your face?

 

Wake up....Wake up...Wake up.

 

She is your unfortunate PAST.

 

Where is it that you want to go?

 

Is it a competition? To make her suffer...believe me...she is digging her own hole...(this is genderless...she is just not a good person)

 

You need to analyse what it is that you want for yourself....and leave your past out of it.

 

I had a silly thought at some point during your angst...Let's say that Alicia decided that she really loved you (I don't think she has this capacity but for argument sake...let's pretend). Then low and behold she met with an accident that left her ...disabled or with horrible scars. How would you feel then?

 

Sorry, I just needed to give you some tough love...

 

It is time to think NCD.

 

So I can see how everyone would think I am obsessed and thinking with the other head and all about looks and very immature and not getting it.

All I seem to talk about is how attracted to her I am and how hot she is or another date is....really, I am not that shallow. She just does something for me, she gets my juices flowing and I am probably addicted to that feeling. I haven't felt the way I felt talking with her with anyone else.

And now that she is out of my house and I lived with her for 40 days, I am just regretting not being able to control my feelings, because it was just hard for me to live with her.

If she did love me and got into an accident and was disfigured you probably wouldn't believe me but I would be right there by her side holding her hand the whole time.

That's the thing, is I've always just wanted to get close and stay close with her...but she keeps everyone at arms length and this gets frustrating for anyone trying to sustain a relationship with her.

I am actually tired of beating myself up over this.

I tried to help her when she was in need, but my feelings for her grew, I wanted more, and she didn't want to give more. So I felt hurt and rejected, and every time I had to see her, the thought that "she doesn't want me" made me resent her and made for a painful living situation.

I guess I am on here trying to figure out WHY I now miss that person who frustrated me so much because I couldn't have her.

The answers I've gotten are that I am addicted to her and she is my drug and it's so painful and regretful now because my drug is gone.

I am not this shallow person who only looks at the outside.

I just wanted to be happy with this person again, like we were.

But she doesn't want to be with anyone, doesn't want to give of herself, and she makes it impossible to want to give to her because she doesn't give anything back in return.

There comes a time to just move forward, and I guess we've both gotten to that point.

I think more than anything I am a romantic, and am just hoping for a happy ending.

But sadly enough a happy ending doesn't seem possible with her.

I guess that happy ending will have to be with someone else.

[underpants]

There comes a time to just move forward, and I guess we've both gotten to that point.

I think more than anything I am a romantic, and am just hoping for a happy ending.

But sadly enough a happy ending doesn't seem possible with her.

I guess that happy ending will have to be with someone else.

 

Oh no,

 

You have gone and busted out the cute puppy avie. That is not going to work on me. It won't......okay...it did

 

I am sorry you are so addicted to her. This is not genuine love that can give you that real happy ending that you desire.

 

Time and distance will cause these intense feelings to dissipate. If you can stick to it you will come out the other side and be able to partner with someone much more suited for you...and eventually find a healthy, balanced and true happy ending.

 

Just focus on you and do not allow her back into your life. This is what you have to do for you.

 

Let go of the bad to make room for the good.

 

Take care...

[NorCalDave]

Oh no,

 

You have gone and busted out the cute puppy avie. That is not going to work on me. It won't......okay...it did

 

I am sorry you are so addicted to her. This is not genuine love that can give you that real happy ending that you desire.

 

Time and distance will cause these intense feelings to dissipate. If you can stick to it you will come out the other side and be able to partner with someone much more suited for you...and eventually find a healthy, balanced and true happy ending.

 

Just focus on you and do not allow her back into your life. This is what you have to do for you.

 

Let go of the bad to make room for the good.

 

Take care...

 

I will try, I really will. I called and left an apologetic message on Sunday to which she hasn't responded to. So, that should tell me everything.

She doesn't want to talk to me. I get it. Even though I have urges to call her every day, I know it will do no good. She will just be mean.

I don't want to drag this out any further.

I will really do my best to move forward and work on myself.

Trust me, I am not this superficial, stubborn, idiot.

I am just a romantic addicted my feelings for my ex.

I am going to power through this and overcome.

I'm gonna hang out with more puppies. Dogs love me at least!

[underpants]

I will try, I really will. I called and left an apologetic message on Sunday to which she hasn't responded to. So, that should tell me everything.

She doesn't want to talk to me. I get it. Even though I have urges to call her every day, I know it will do no good. She will just be mean.

I don't want to drag this out any further.

I will really do my best to move forward and work on myself.

Trust me, I am not this superficial, stubborn, idiot.

I am just a romantic addicted my feelings for my ex.

I am going to power through this and overcome.

I'm gonna hang out with more puppies. Dogs love me at least!

 

"Do or do not. There is no try."...Yoda.

 

Come on...be a Jedi.

 

Don't contact her. Do not respond to her contact.

 

Give yourself the time and distance to emotionally move past this toxic relationship. Make it a contest if that helps. Go for 3 whole months then evaluate how you feel.

 

I am rooting for you.

[NorCalDave]

"Do or do not. There is no try."...Yoda.

 

Come on...be a Jedi.

 

Don't contact her. Do not respond to her contact.

 

Give yourself the time and distance to emotionally move past this toxic relationship. Make it a contest if that helps. Go for 3 whole months then evaluate how you feel.

 

I am rooting for you.

 

 

Thanks.

I am afraid of myself though, I really am. I have "tried" to go NC with her before, but somehow we run into each other and I give in.

But this time, it honestly feels different. In one of our last conversations she said she wanted to "disconnect and move forward", so what else do I need to hear? That and her not returning my call should tell me everything.

I have to realize that contacting her is worse for me in the long run than the rush it gives me at the time.

Maybe I am a "rush" junkie and need to get that endorfin rush somewhere else.

[LoveDeluxe78]

Thanks.

I am afraid of myself though, I really am. I have "tried" to go NC with her before, but somehow we run into each other and I give in.

But this time, it honestly feels different. In one of our last conversations she said she wanted to "disconnect and move forward", so what else do I need to hear? That and her not returning my call should tell me everything.

I have to realize that contacting her is worse for me in the long run than the rush it gives me at the time.

Maybe I am a "rush" junkie and need to get that endorfin rush somewhere else.

 

I'm rooting for you Dave! You CAN do it! Just a week ago I was in your shoes as well, completely devastated! I'm not 100% over it yet, but I'm on that track!

 

* Tell all your friends NOT to mention her, even if they run into her at the gym!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

* Realize that the pain of her rejecting you everytime you contact her is much more painful than no contact at all! NC is difficult in the beginning, but it gets easier and easier over time. When you yo yo, it impedes all the progress you've made.

 

* If you have an idea of the places she frequents, try and avoid those places, at least until you are well over her.

 

* Forgive her for the things she's done. Forgiveness goes a long way actually! Do it for yourself, if not for her. Just tell yourself this was not meant to be, that there is someone better out there for you. You can't force what was not meant to be!

 

* Have faith that the future will be bright and you will get over her!

 

* When you find yourself thinking about her, just acknowledge those thoughts, but don't give so much weight to them! They will go away eventually.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

What are you doing with such a manipulative lady? Your avatar is so cute! I have no doubt that you can find a better and more respectful woman whenever you're open to do so! I also suggest going NC. It's so painful, I know. I'm on Day 4 of it and I feel like I wanna' tear my hair out. But in the end, I have no doubt that it'll be worth it.

[CaliGuy]

Thanks.

I am afraid of myself though, I really am. I have "tried" to go NC with her before, but somehow we run into each other and I give in.

 

Dave, that is not true at all. You make excuses to run into her (the gym, church, etc) and therefore you are root cause of your pain continuing, not your ex.

 

But this time, it honestly feels different. In one of our last conversations she said she wanted to "disconnect and move forward", so what else do I need to hear? That and her not returning my call should tell me everything.

 

Other than her beating you on the head with a hammer, I don't know how much more clearer she can be.

 

I have to realize that contacting her is worse for me in the long run than the rush it gives me at the time.

 

The rush you are feeling is lust, not love and it's not healthy.

 

Maybe I am a "rush" junkie and need to get that endorfin rush somewhere else.

 

Until you decide to take charge of your life and your emotions by really doing something about it (say, seeking counseling), you are doomed to repeat the same mistakes in the future.