lachasseauxpapillons Posted September 7, 2007 Share Posted September 7, 2007 I just had a conversation about cheating/infidelity in relationships and marriage with a guy friend, and he said that if the cheating is never found out, whether it's one time or repeatedly, it doesn't affect the relationship at all. This is really disturbing to me. I'd think that cheating would cause some kind of damage to a relationship that's supposed to be based on trust and respect, even if the cheater is getting away with it. Am I just being naive? Is my friend right? Your thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
MrsHellnoFire Posted September 7, 2007 Share Posted September 7, 2007 I really believe cheating affects the relationship dynamic in a major way. First of all, attention is being diverted elsewhere. Possibly love is being diverted and also sex. Attention that should be focused on the betrayed spouse and kids is taken away.Second of all, what are the extent (or lack) of feelings towards the spouse when they are cheating and lying to them continuously.There will be some major problems in a relationship like that, whether blatant, apparent or not.In a romantic relationship, I demand 100% of one's heart and soul. I guess that's too much to ask in this day and age. I really think it tarnishes the cheater as well in so many ways. It rots the soul. I'm not religious but have no better words to describe it.The relationship I don't think could ever return to what it once was: pure and real. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lachasseauxpapillons Posted September 7, 2007 Author Share Posted September 7, 2007 and lasting one? I'd hate to think that a cheater who is good at cheating and has no conscience or remorse would get away with it and still have a relationship where the other person thinks they have a trusting, respectful relationship. I'd think that some sort of cracks would start in the foundation of that relationship, no? Especially in a marriage. I really believe cheating affects the relationship dynamic in a major way. First of all, attention is being diverted elsewhere. Possibly love is being diverted and also sex. Attention that should be focused on the betrayed spouse and kids is taken away.Second of all, what are the extent (or lack) of feelings towards the spouse when they are cheating and lying to them continuously.There will be some major problems in a relationship like that, whether blatant, apparent or not.In a romantic relationship, I demand 100% of one's heart and soul. I guess that's too much to ask in this day and age. I really think it tarnishes the cheater as well in so many ways. It rots the soul. I'm not religious but have no better words to describe it.The relationship I don't think could ever return to what it once was: pure and real. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 7, 2007 Share Posted September 7, 2007 and lasting one? I'd hate to think that a cheater who is good at cheating and has no conscience or remorse would get away with it and still have a relationship where the other person thinks they have a trusting, respectful relationship. I'd think that some sort of cracks would start in the foundation of that relationship, no? Especially in a marriage. Yes, the cracks are there, and they get wider and wider the longer the affair goes on. It's just the cracks are hidden by all the lies and secrecy, so they may not be noticed right away. Eventually, though, the foundation starts to crumble. Link to post Share on other sites
cj1988 Posted September 12, 2007 Share Posted September 12, 2007 I agree, if you are cheating it will somehow show and come out in your actions even if no one has caught on yet. Even if the affair is over, you are never the same with the person you betrayed. Somehow it takes a part of you away from your partnership and you never get back again even if you try. You hate yourself in the end for doing it and most of the time feel your spouse had something to do with as well, which is BS. We all make our OWN choices and know right from wrong....so if you are not getting any at home, then divorce them BEFORE you decide to cheat, better yet talk about it first. I hate the old saying if you are not getting it at home you will get somewhere else. If that is true, move on......it is not going to get any better unless you address it and try to resolve it one way or another. Cheating is never the answer to any situation ! Link to post Share on other sites
Darkzen Posted September 12, 2007 Share Posted September 12, 2007 Cheating should be against the law IMHO. You can do a lot of damage to someone's emotional state thru cheating. The act itself is cowardly, selfish, deceitful and overall just evil TBH. You should atleast be a good of enough person to break a relationship off, before resorting to finding comfort in another person... Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted September 12, 2007 Share Posted September 12, 2007 I don't think that it should be against the law but I do think if a spouse cheats all post divorce obligations like alimony should be waved for the betrayd spouse and the betrayed spouse should get the house. I think it is only fair. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted September 12, 2007 Share Posted September 12, 2007 I don't think that it should be against the law but I do think if a spouse cheats all post divorce obligations like alimony should be waved for the betrayd spouse and the betrayed spouse should get the house. I think it is only fair. I agree but that would clog the hell out of divorce courts. Imagine the people that would hide in the bushes with a camera and have their buddies put their spouses in positions that could be deemed as cheating.... hell phone calls could be made emails made up..... you could set up your spouse easily and make it look like they were cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted September 12, 2007 Share Posted September 12, 2007 from your friends perspective, it might not effect the relationship as it stands if you are involved with a cheater of this nature, who believes they have a right to cheat willy nilly and believes that that cheating doesnt effect a relationship - if the cheater is truly that shortsighted that they think it doesnt matter - the dynamics of their relationship may have always been that way so in effect, the relationship wont suffer as a direct result of the cheating, it will always have been affected by the attitude of the betrayer. it certainly would mean that his partner isnt in the relationship they thought they were in and they have a right to know whats really involved in being with him i dont think the type of cheater whos cheating because they are having probs in their relationship would be that foolhardy to think there's no effect - your friend sounds like he thinks he can do what he want Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted September 12, 2007 Share Posted September 12, 2007 I don't think that it should be against the law but I do think if a spouse cheats all post divorce obligations like alimony should be waved for the betrayd spouse and the betrayed spouse should get the house. I think it is only fair. Would you include custody rights and child support? Link to post Share on other sites
starlite Posted September 12, 2007 Share Posted September 12, 2007 I have read through the responses and I go see everyones point. BUT, i do think that if the cheating is not caught then it doesnt affect the relationship. Samantha in Sex and the City quotes something like "Cheating and being caught go hand in hand, you cant have one without the other." It's like if a tree falls in the woods, and no one is around, does it make a sound? It doesnt matter. I do think though that it takes a 'special' kind of person to be able to cheat and not change there behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted September 12, 2007 Share Posted September 12, 2007 I have read through the responses and I go see everyones point. BUT, i do think that if the cheating is not caught then it doesnt affect the relationship. Samantha in Sex and the City quotes something like "Cheating and being caught go hand in hand, you cant have one without the other." It's like if a tree falls in the woods, and no one is around, does it make a sound? It doesnt matter. I do think though that it takes a 'special' kind of person to be able to cheat and not change there behavior. Its a slippery slope... because what you say is technically possible, however its practically impossible. If we admit that in the realm of infinite possibility it could happen this way... I think we would be doing a grave disservice to the general reality of the situation. Remember that we are measureing not what the cheater is putting into the M but more what the cheater could be putting into the M. Therefore it will nearly always make an impact on the M because the amount of potential time, energy, emotion... ect, that goes towards cheating could have been put towards the marriage. Perhaps I'm getting too theoretical? Link to post Share on other sites
Darkzen Posted September 13, 2007 Share Posted September 13, 2007 I don't think that it should be against the law but I do think if a spouse cheats all post divorce obligations like alimony should be waved for the betrayd spouse and the betrayed spouse should get the house. I think it is only fair. Cheating is wrong, but there's very little accountability for doing so. Hell, it's not even really taboo anymore. Sometimes laws need to be implemented when society can't police itself. In-fact, the damage that cheating can cause to someone can even exceed some violent crimes... why should causing pain and suffering to another person be "ok" in some aspects, but wrong in others. Double standards are BS. If you break a verbal contract in business you're held accountable... yet breaking a verbal contract in a relationship and you're not. IMHO, that's just a totally flawed concept. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted September 13, 2007 Share Posted September 13, 2007 I just had a conversation about cheating/infidelity in relationships and marriage with a guy friend, and he said that if the cheating is never found out, whether it's one time or repeatedly, it doesn't affect the relationship at all. The hell it doesn't. Because whether or not its found out the cheater, in some way, shape, or form, treats their so-called significant other differently...usually in the form of neglect. This is really disturbing to me. I'd think that cheating would cause some kind of damage to a relationship that's supposed to be based on trust and respect, even if the cheater is getting away with it. Am I just being naive? Is my friend right? Nope, your friend is not right. Sounds like he is speaking from the perspective of a cheater himself and only THINKS it isn't affecting his relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Cad Rake Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 It's like if a tree falls in the woods, and no one is around, does it make a sound? It doesnt matter. Just thinking the same thing!! Here's the only problem with that... even if the betrayed spouse never KNOWS about it, he or she has been cheated of 1) time 2) affection 3) money spent on the OM/W. His/her life has been detrimentally affected, whether or not he/she knows about it. Also, the "cheatee" has been put at a higher risk of an STD, a risk he or she may not have undertaken knowingly. So the spouse is affected whether or not he/she knows about it. Maybe only slightly (or greatly if he/she actually gets an STD), but affected nevertheless. Link to post Share on other sites
popey Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 Big Belm, Bish and Cad Rake: you summed up my thoughts. I know guys like the friends who make this "no effect" claim. It the self serving, shallow seeking required to be such a person who regularly and unquestionably cheats. (not suggesting its ok to questionably cheat un-regularly). This, to me, is the extreme of the lazy thinker.... one who chooses not too think beyond that which makes his/her life conveniently serving what he/she wants. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 Cheating is wrong, but there's very little accountability for doing so. Not always. You might be surprised at how much accountability a betrayed spouse can cause a wayward spouse... Link to post Share on other sites
Darkzen Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 Not always. You might be surprised at how much accountability a betrayed spouse can cause a wayward spouse... True, but it depends on the situation. I could screw my ex-gf for over 50k and she'd have no legal leg to stand on, but by doing so I'd become worse than her IMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 True, but it depends on the situation. I could screw my ex-gf for over 50k and she'd have no legal leg to stand on, but by doing so I'd become worse than her IMHO. Who said anything about money? Link to post Share on other sites
notmenever Posted September 16, 2007 Share Posted September 16, 2007 Strangely, sometimes it will improve the relationship in the long run. I'm referring to the "one time" cheaters. Some people stray then cheat, only to realize that what they have is better than anything they could possibly find elsewhere. I'm not condoning cheating so spare me the flaming replies. Link to post Share on other sites
Cad Rake Posted September 16, 2007 Share Posted September 16, 2007 Strangely, sometimes it will improve the relationship in the long run. Probably rarely Link to post Share on other sites
ftheunion Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 Probably cause you're a yankee. Just a thought... Link to post Share on other sites
cj1988 Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 I have cheated on someone, not my H and whether you are caught or not is not the issue. The cheater will pay a price one day one way or another within themselves. After a person has cheated they are never the same person again and it shows. Now, I have felt the aftermath of a cheater, I personally will never do that to someone let alone myself. It has been over 14 years since I cheated and I am now M to the OM I was cheating with and trust me I am proof what goes around comes around....it is NOT worth it at all. I love my H and I do regret cheating on my first H with my H now, very much....he deserved better. That is why I say what goes around comes around, it is a terrible thing to do to anyone, if you are not happy get out first ! Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 True, but it depends on the situation. I could screw my ex-gf for over 50k and she'd have no legal leg to stand on, but by doing so I'd become worse than her IMHO. Why not? Is that a bridge you dont want to burn? Or would she offer you the same consideration! Link to post Share on other sites
halfarock Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 Cheating should be against the law IMHO Sometimes laws need to be implemented when society can't police itself. IMHO this is stupid. In-fact, the damage that cheating can cause to someone can even exceed some violent crimes... why should causing pain and suffering to another person be "ok" in some aspects, but wrong in others. And dumping them to go be with another doesn’t cause pain and suffering? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts