halfarock Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 I have read through the responses and I go see everyones point. BUT, i do think that if the cheating is not caught then it doesnt affect the relationship. Samantha in Sex and the City quotes something like "Cheating and being caught go hand in hand, you cant have one without the other." It's like if a tree falls in the woods, and no one is around, does it make a sound? It doesnt matter. I do think though that it takes a 'special' kind of person to be able to cheat and not change there behavior. I agree. Though I don’t think of it as cheating, I have and do hook up with women who aren’t my girlfriend while very much in a relationship and very much in love with my girlfriend. But then, as usual, we have an agreed to open relationship – don’t ask, don’t tell. If I’m hanging out with, spending time with another woman, how is it all that different than if I’m hanging out with “the guys” or with my children, or taking a long walk by myself, or working. My girlfriend is a big girl, she doesn’t need my constant attention. Link to post Share on other sites
slynne Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 Even if no one finds out, cheating is a major form of disrespect. It has lasting effects. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 Cheating is either a bandaid to issues and/or for the risk-taking, thrill-seeking adrenaline addict. If issues are not dealt with, including the addiction to adrenaline, the cheater will cheat again. Consequences to actions can usually dissuade people from straying again, if all issues are dealt with. Link to post Share on other sites
halfarock Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 …cheating is a major form of disrespect… That is why you should never have sex with the family, friends, coworkers, or enemies of you SO. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 This is really disturbing to me. I'd think that cheating would cause some kind of damage to a relationship that's supposed to be based on trust and respect, even if the cheater is getting away with it. Am I just being naive? Is my friend right? Your thoughts? I think every time you lie to/conceal something from someone you contribute towards an invisible barrier between you and that person. If you cheat on a partner, you've got someone else beside you helping to create that barrier. A "them and us" situation. If you've got a friendship, as well as a physical relationship with, the person you're cheating with then that's going to really increase the sense of "us against them". The betrayed partner is seriously disadvantaged by the fact that they don't know what's going on - or they might have an inkling which will only end up placing them in an even worse light (such inklings tending to bring out jealousies and insecurities which rarely show a person at their most appealing). When you find yourself with that inkling that a partner's getting it elsewhere, it's really difficult to know how to handle it. It starts with the knowledge that they've formed a connection with someone else (and I think people generally give that away - even if they believe they're successfully portraying an "innocent" opposite sex friendship). You feel barriers going up, and the connection starting to weaken between you. When someone starts cheating on you, that can happen really quickly and without warning. It's all very well for the cheater to take the view that "what he/she doesn't know can't hurt them" - but people's instincts really kick in in these situations. Unconsciously picking up signs of evasiveness, distraction or guilt in the partner, and getting the sense that they're hiding something from you. When you cheat on someone, you're putting them on the lonely, scary side of that barrier where they'll nurse this instinct that a loss/change is about to occur but they're powerless to do anything about it because a) they're not sure what's going on, and b)their confidence to deal with it effectively is seriously reduced (self-confidence being one of the first things to go when you suspect someone you love is lying to you). I don't see how all that can't cause damage to a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Darkzen Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 IMHO this is stupid. And dumping them to go be with another doesn’t cause pain and suffering? Stupid, why? Because in society when you enter a verbal agreement in business you can be held accountable, but not for a relationship... that's what's stupid IMHO. If you're in a committed relationship, you should be held accountable for breaking your word. At least be respectful enough to end ties honorably, if you're seek something else. I'll use a business analogy... You venture into business with a partner, would you rather... A) have your partner deceive you and steal from the company or B) Tell you that it's not working out and you cut ties amiably. Both situations suck, but which sucks worse? Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 IMHO this is stupid. And dumping them to go be with another doesn’t cause pain and suffering? No, but its definitely the lesser of 2 evils. If you don't want to be with someone and plan on cheating, then just end it so the other person can start to heal, move on and get on with their life? Or, halfrock, are you really suggesting that instead of leaving the person, you should just cheat on them? Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 I agree. Though I don’t think of it as cheating, I have and do hook up with women who aren’t my girlfriend while very much in a relationship and very much in love with my girlfriend. But then, as usual, we have an agreed to open relationship – don’t ask, don’t tell. So in YOUR case it isn't cheating because both of you agreed that you boff other people. But if you are in a committed relationship and it is understood that you are exclusive to each other then it IS cheating. If I’m hanging out with, spending time with another woman, how is it all that different than if I’m hanging out with “the guys” or with my children, or taking a long walk by myself, or working. My girlfriend is a big girl, she doesn’t need my constant attention. Well lets make up our minds here...are you talking about "hanging out"...or are you talking about making out or having sex with someone else? Uh...halfrock....there is a big difference. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 Stupid, why? Because in society when you enter a verbal agreement in business you can be held accountable, but not for a relationship... that's what's stupid IMHO. If you're in a committed relationship, you should be held accountable for breaking your word. At least be respectful enough to end ties honorably, if you're seek something else. I'll use a business analogy... You venture into business with a partner, would you rather... A) have your partner deceive you and steal from the company or B) Tell you that it's not working out and you cut ties amiably. Both situations suck, but which sucks worse? Oh I don't think cheating should be against the law...as sweet as that sounds...but I do think if married, there should be an implied pre-nup. One spouse cheats and it can be proven, then that spouse loses their right to 50% of the marital assets. Oh they could get something for their time....maybe 75/25. If both can be proven to have cheated...then the 50/50 can apply. Link to post Share on other sites
Darkzen Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 Oh I don't think cheating should be against the law...as sweet as that sounds...but I do think if married, there should be an implied pre-nup. One spouse cheats and it can be proven, then that spouse loses their right to 50% of the marital assets. Oh they could get something for their time....maybe 75/25. If both can be proven to have cheated...then the 50/50 can apply. I'm not saying, "jail time" against the law, merely that it should carry some accountability. Such as the cheater having to pay for therapy for the person they cheated on. Maybe some civil action if they had to miss school/work to help deal with the emotional distress. At least then, people would be forced to be honorable and break it off before cheating, otherwise they would suffer consequences for breaking a verbal agreement/commitment. Link to post Share on other sites
halfarock Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 Stupid, why? Because in society when you enter a verbal agreement in business you can be held accountable, but not for a relationship... that's what's stupid IMHO. If you're in a committed relationship, you should be held accountable for breaking your word. At least be respectful enough to end ties honorably, if you're seek something else. I'll use a business analogy... You venture into business with a partner, would you rather... A) have your partner deceive you and steal from the company or B) Tell you that it's not working out and you cut ties amiably. Both situations suck, but which sucks worse? Let’s see. If I have a girlfriend and every thing is going fine. But then say things become boring uneventful, people change, she may no longer interest me as she once did. Then one day I meet another woman who just blows me away and suddenly I find myself falling in love with another. If “cheating” as you call it was illegal, then I would suddenly become a criminal. Or say that my girlfriend has no problem with me having sex with another woman, then I am not cheating. But if one day our relationship began to fall apart she could have me arrested for cheating. So what is the difference between me being a criminal or not is how she feels about me at the time. Laws should never work this way. It is just stupid to try to regulate morality. It never works, it just makes a mess of things. You are looking for revenge. The law should never be in a position to be used in such a way. I guess you never heard, “All is fair in love and war.” Business is a bad analogy for love and relationships of the heart. Business is about getting an advantage, exploiting others for your profit. That is why Nike pays $5 to have a shoe made and sells it to you for $100. The factory worker is exploited and so are you. Some of the best money I’ve ever made came from letting certain people think that I might do one thing while I always planned on doing another. I’m much more honest and sharing with my girlfriends and would never exploit them for a profit. Just because I tell someone that I love them today is no guarantee that I will love them forever. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 Let’s see. If I have a girlfriend and every thing is going fine. But then say things become boring uneventful, people change, she may no longer interest me as she once did. Then one day I meet another woman who just blows me away and suddenly I find myself falling in love with another. If “cheating” as you call it was illegal, then I would suddenly become a criminal. Uh...you break up with her before you cheat...hmmm...hard concept to grasp? don't think so....maybe I'm wrong....I don't know. And as far as the being "criminal" part...I think he was being just a little sarcastic. I think he really means that there should be consequences somehow...and that can come in the form of making amends and doing right by the betrayed. Link to post Share on other sites
halfarock Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 Well lets make up our minds here...are you talking about "hanging out"...or are you talking about making out or having sex with someone else? Uh...halfrock....there is a big difference. Not always. There are lots of women who I run into with great regularity with whom I flirt, and hug, and kiss, and touch, and sometimes a little more. If I’m not with my girlfriend what does it matter. It is never like I go, “Sorry honey but I can’t tonight because I hugged too many other women this week.” Our relationship is a little deeper than that. Link to post Share on other sites
Darkzen Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 Not always. There are lots of women who I run into with great regularity with whom I flirt, and hug, and kiss, and touch, and sometimes a little more. If I’m not with my girlfriend what does it matter. It is never like I go, “Sorry honey but I can’t tonight because I hugged too many other women this week.” Our relationship is a little deeper than that. You have an agreement with your SO, right? If you break it, you should be accountable. It's not about revenge either, it's about justice... isn't that what laws are supposed to uphold? You do someone wrong, you should have to make amends. Understand the concept yet? What's stopping many laws from being abused? Could your GF not willingly have sex with you then accuse you of date-rape? P.S. there are laws that govern war, so that quote isn't so cut and dry. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 Not always. There are lots of women who I run into with great regularity with whom I flirt, and hug, and kiss, and touch, and sometimes a little more. *sigh*...I said there is a big difference between hanging out and having sex...you can justify it all you want...I guess cheaters always do... "I was just hanging out with her honey..thats all! What?...why..uh..yes my d!ck was in her...but it was just hanging out!!" If I’m not with my girlfriend what does it matter. It is never like I go, “Sorry honey but I can’t tonight because I hugged too many other women this week.” Our relationship is a little deeper than that. I was talking about sex not hugging....geez. So since your relationship is "deeper" than that....she can now go off and get a nice hot beef injection from another guy and you have no right to get mad....I mean after all...she's just hanging out with them....right? Link to post Share on other sites
halfarock Posted September 20, 2007 Share Posted September 20, 2007 P.S. there are laws that govern war, so that quote isn't so cut and dry. Yes but only the winners get to enforce those laws. Link to post Share on other sites
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