LosingMyDreamGirl Posted September 7, 2007 Share Posted September 7, 2007 My original thread is here, if you want any background or history. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t129291/ Its not important to read because these questions can still be answered. I really hope to get input from women that have been the ones to break it off. If you went back or didnt go back, it doesnt matter. I guess I am trying to figure out what my wife may be thinking. Right now, me and my wife are separated. We have been for 1 month now. When i ask my wife if she wants a divorce, she says she doesnt know. She has yes and no answers. When I ask her if she will come back to me, she says she doesnt know. Pretty much any question I ask her about us or our relationship, she says she doesnt know. What she DOES know (or atleast thinks she knows. She doesnt seem to act like she really wants it when I have given her the chance) is she wants to be on her own, making her own decisions doing her own thing. Here are my questions: Could that be enough to end it all (Wanting to do your own thing and have your own things, your own life)? Does something like that seem alot easier and have 'greener grass' than working on a troubled marriage? Is it really easier to leave the marriage than to try and make it work? Once you have separated, do you fight coming back because you want to stick to the decision you made? Can a man, trying very hard to make changes (physically and emotionally) still be attractive once you have lost those kinds of feelings for him, especially when you TOLD him exactly what you want? Does knowing he loves you and wants the marriage to work upset you more and make you more uncomfortable? I may come up with more, but this is what I have right now. Link to post Share on other sites
simplegirl Posted September 8, 2007 Share Posted September 8, 2007 I was the one that wanted to end my marriage. When I told him I wanted him to move out I can't explain the way I was feeling. A lot of what you said your wife has said is kind of how I was. We married young and we were going through a rough patch. We actually had an excellent marriage, I was just tired. I don't know if that makes any sense but that's how I felt. I needed space, I wanted to figure out who I was. Immediately he started begging me which only seemed to push me further away. Then he started dating some girl, not because he wanted to but because he thought it would make me jealous and want him back. All it did was push me further away. Three months down the line they ended and I considered asking him to work on our M. I had a few opportunities but chickened out. Next thing I knew he was dating someone else. When it came time to go to court for the D he walked out because he said he still loved me and couldn't go through with it. When he told the new gf she flipped, gave him a major guilt trip about what he owed her and ended up going to court without me and having the d finalized. Fast forward now three years. They are now married and miserable. They got married 6 weeks after our D was final, again he was doing to spite me, he admits. He has left her 5-6 times, begged me to take him back 100's of times but he always goes back to her if I don't guarantee him I'll take him back. She knows he is still in love with me so it is a big mess with lots of drama. Sorry, didn't mean to go off like that. My advice to you is give her space, time and don't do anything to try to make her jealous or push her. You can work on things and communicate with her without making her feel like she is being pushed up against a wall. Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted September 8, 2007 Share Posted September 8, 2007 I am not a woman but I am a guy that his W moved out on him then we got back together & are still back together so I'll give you my opinion just for the heck of it. I feel woman kind of lose themselves with having to raise a family & they are always doing things for others such as there husbands, family, friends, etc. & then it hits them one day; how about me, I haven't done anything for me, what about me? When they do move out & you separate they aren't sure what they want, they aren't sure what to do because it is the first time they are able to do something for themselves just like simplegirl said. Everything is new, they get control of the remote, they don't have to do this or that unless they want to. For me when the W moved out the first part sucks, but after a while you figure you need to move on & so you start doing things for yourself & you find being alone isn't all that bad & I feel the woman do the same, they don't want to leave a marriage but having that free time, free space starts to confuse them & they aren't sure. I know for me after the first few months I could have gone either way, I know I would have been o.k. on my own but I am glad that my W is back & we are working on our marriage. Hope maybe something in this rambling might help..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author LosingMyDreamGirl Posted September 8, 2007 Author Share Posted September 8, 2007 Simplegirl, So, you guys had a chance and he f%#&ed it up? Yeah, I was going down that road, but not anymore. I am going to be a friend and someone she can trust and rely on, not some bumbling idiot trying blackmail and begging for her. PWSX3, How did things work out for you and your wife? I dont think me and my wife are going to get back together this weekend, but she did say she wanted to goto the movies with me. Thatsa good sign and makes me really happy. I want to take it slow and be her friend first. To me, at this point, being her friend is the most important thing I can do. The other will come in time if its meant to be. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted September 8, 2007 Share Posted September 8, 2007 LMDG, My friend it's sad to say, however is seems you have already lost her. I can relate to much of what you wrote in your marathon post. I married my ex when she was young, her 18 I was 25, so I understand the age difference. It was always a problem. Her parents had both died when she was 10 years old tragicly. She needed a strong presence in her life. That was me. My marriage lasted 25 years. Long enough to raise two children to adulthood. The problems at year 25 were the same as they were at year 2. Her "OM" was even the same guy. My guess is that she wants to be a teen and young adult again, and is determined to taste some "freedom". I would also bet that there is a new man in her life. Be brave, think about your kid and let her go. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 8, 2007 Share Posted September 8, 2007 What she DOES know (or atleast thinks she knows. She doesnt seem to act like she really wants it when I have given her the chance) is she wants to be on her own, making her own decisions doing her own thing. You can't really predict what will happen. Odds are 50-50 either way. Either she'll get out on her own and love it. OR she'll realize that she can have independence and her own interests, activities, and individuality even within the marriage. Either way, you have to just let her be. It's good that you aren't begging her to come back, but the whole 'friends' thing could be enabling her to stay away... What I mean is, being 'on her own' is one thing when she's truly 'on her own'. It's quite another when you are in the background ready to help her and be her confidant and are her safety net. She knows you are her safety net. So, she's not really experiencing being on her own without you always there for her. Do you see? She has to see what it is like to NOT HAVE YOU for whatever she wants you whenever she wants you in order to really be on her own. It's like someone who endlessly complains about their job and always threatens to quit because there is so much better out there. Sure, they can say there's so much better out there from the security of that regular paycheck. But if that same person gets fired and has to find a new job and realizes what it's really like out there WITHOUT the security of the regular paycheck, then they start to sing a different tune because they see it their job wasn't really all that bad. Right now, she knows she has you as a back-up in case she decides the whole independence thing doesn't work out. So, don't be at her beck and call, don't be that guy she knows will take her back in a heartbeat. I'm sure you had your own issues in the marriage - have you discussed with her the things that have made you unhappy? Have you ever said to her, you know, you're right...we're too close and don't have outside interests...being apart has shown me that it's not healthy to lose individuality just because we're married...since I've been doing things on my own and developing new hobbies and interests, I've felt stronger and less dependent on you.... Link to post Share on other sites
simplegirl Posted September 9, 2007 Share Posted September 9, 2007 Simplegirl, So, you guys had a chance and he f%#&ed it up? Yeah, I was going down that road, but not anymore. I am going to be a friend and someone she can trust and rely on, not some bumbling idiot trying blackmail and begging for her. Yes, we had a few chances. Now, 3 years later, he's remarried, miserable and completely controlled by the new W because she is so threatened by me and how he feels about me. He's told her over and over again that he still loves me (not good for his current M) and she blames me for that. Anyway, take care of yourself and give her the space she is asking for. I realize it might not be easy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LosingMyDreamGirl Posted September 9, 2007 Author Share Posted September 9, 2007 Yes, we had a few chances. Now, 3 years later, he's remarried, miserable and completely controlled by the new W because she is so threatened by me and how he feels about me. He's told her over and over again that he still loves me (not good for his current M) and she blames me for that. Anyway, take care of yourself and give her the space she is asking for. I realize it might not be easy. She has told me in the past she thinks of dating me again and maybe a relationship, but not now. And if we did, she wanted to take it slow. She was in a very good mood Friday when she called me, so I asked her to a movie. The only reason we have NC is because she asked for her space. When i asked her to the movie, she said she would like to go. Even after the movie, she suggested, by herself, that she would goto the store with me to buy my groceries for the week. Next Sat is my birthday and I was thinking about getting my first tattoo and some piercings and she wants to go to do that. Is this good? I am trying to give her space, but also trying to show her I have changed. BTW, on thing I may have done that chased her away is I kind of copied her. When she tried to be an indicidual, I did what she did. Examples: When she wanted a new computer, I bought one too. When she bought clothes, I bought some too, when she bought a new car, I bought one too (and even bought the same kind, just different color). Could that have been a bad thing? I really respect my wife and never meant to chase her off by copying her... I just wanted what she got too... i guess. Link to post Share on other sites
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