So hurt and betrayed and lost

[matthew29]

Where to begin.. Hi everyone, my names matthew(29) and i'm from dublin Ireland. I want to tell you this story because I'm all messed up and trying desperately to understand. I never knew love would actually become a medical condition as my doctor has put me on anti depressants and a few others the pain and trauma has been so bad.

 

Just a warning, this is a long post, as I want to make sure you get all the truth and details.

 

I went out with a girl, Rebecca(23), for almost 2 years. This was my first real relationship, her third. We had some difficulties in that I had to call 2 breaks due to the strain and pressure I was under from a career change, they lasted 2 weeks each. Anyway, around 4 months ago I had to make the most difficult decision of my life, breaking up with her. I felt guilty as I couldnt give her the time and everytime I did I blamed her for me failing in my work. She was heartbroken as was I and she warned me that that was my last chance and she wouldnt go back to me. I cut contact.

 

However a month passed during which my grandmother died and I was low but I was also starting to realise what I had done so started texting her again. She knew my granny and she met up with me and we hugged and kissed. I started texting her more regularly now and we met up evry few weeks and slept together and spent a day together or whatever. I was getting excited about her again. Everytime we would meet she would ask me if I would ask her out again and Id say I could when the project was finished, there was around 2 months left with it. I only realised later that what I was doing was stringing her along without realising.

Anyway we met one sunday around a month ago and after sleeping with eachother she revealed she had been on a date with somebody else. An italian guy who worked in my best friends bar. She also said she had kissed him a few times and then gone home. I went mad. I was so hurt she could have done this. I was so frustrated and angry I went out and got drunk off my face and ended up in a bed with a horrible girl. I had sex with her but gave up as I felt so sad. I still feel awful about it and hope I never see that girl again. Anyway I came round and forgave rebecca for the date, as she didnt do anything wrong. It just hurts me.

So anyway around 3 weeks ago I was stepping up the romance and ringing her everyday and calling for her and we met in a park for a chat. I apologised to her for breaking up with her and begged her to let me take her to dinner to ask her out again. We cried and kissed and hugged together and she told me she would need a few days to think about it. She was heading away for the weekend to england with her workmates so I wanted to bring her out before that but she had stuff to do all week so didnt get the chance. I wished her the best for the weekend and we laughed and planned to spend the day she got back together. So the day she got back she said she couldnt meet cos she had planned to go out with a friend but forgot. So I said okay and went out on a limb and went down to the bar to meet her and her friend. We had a great night together, and she slept with me. Next morning we went to her parents house and met all the relatives for lunch. It was great. A few days later I brought her out to dinner and after giving her a gift, asked her out again. She said yes, and I wined and dined her for the next week. Then one night she was up in my house checking her emails and when I came in to the room she rapidly closed the email down. But not before I caught a glimpse of one name. This is where the fun starts....

 

An english surnamed guy. I remembered how she had told me months back that an english guy gave her his email and she ripped it up. But now I was starting to put two and two together. She denied everything of course, saying oh I'm not allowed to speak to people in email? So she left for the night. I couldnt leave it. And this is where I crossed the line. I guessed her hotmail password and got into her email. The email was from a guy who had sent her pictures and the chat was all flirty. She said that she would see him on the 17th of July or whatever. That was the weekend after my grandmother had died and she had met me the day she got back. She told me she had gone to london for a weekend with one of her friends and it was boring, she met no-one. I now knew why she had gone to england again. I met up with her and quizzed her, saying I had gone to the airport to surprise her and saw she was travelling alone and not with the workmates, I was so bloody hurt but I kept at her. She admitted to going over to see him, saying the first time they had kissed, and the time just passed she had stayed in his guest room because she realised she didnt like him. There was no way in hell I could believe this nonsense. I was in hell. Again, I let my curiosity get the better of me and I crossed a bigger line. I began emailing him from her hotmail, pretending to be her. I told him that I had missed my period and I was so drunk I couldnt remember where he had come. This was the biggest mistake of my life. He basically revealed that the first time she was over they had sex 4 times, one of thos he came in her mouth and she swallowed it, this is so hard for me to type my chest is beating, and the time just passed he had sex with her 5 times but came in a condom each time. I was so mentally hurt at this I was angry as hell with her. I drove over to her and began interrogating her and calling her everything under the sun. How could she have done this to me. Having oral sex with him and then kissing me the same day?I felt so low. It was so unlike her or so I thought.

She said that she never wanted it to happen and she thought I was just going to mess her around again and not ask her out, and that a part of her wanted to keep her word saying I had had my last chance.

We have been through an emotional plane crash for the past week she just keeps maintaining how much she loves me and is sorry but I need to understand it. I cant understand how you go from having sex in the way she did with that guy, to loving somebody wholeheartedly a day later. My mind is a burnt out shell right now. What would you do? Would you move on? How do I move on? I cant get the picture of him with her out of my head, her enjoying him and wanting him to come its such torture. I keep thinking he probably had a bigger penis, was better looking, better built, taller, it just hurts so much. I feel rejected emotionally and sexually.

To sum it up - I broke up with her, she met someone else, she lied about seeing anyone else leading me on, she had 2 dirty weekends with him, she let me ask her back out, she lied about seeing anyone else, I found out, I broke up with her, she lied to the very last, we are still arguing by text.

I dont think I could ever heal from this and be with her again. The real pain is knowing that she was having dirty sex with this guy and sleeping with me and probably comparing us aw I dont know what to say anymore I'm so tired and messed up. Can anyone shed some light on it. Im sorry about the length of the post again. and I really appreciate any ideas on it - believe me I mean it.

[Curious139]

What an awful experience for you, I can imagine how you feel. I too go through terrible images of my ex with her new friend but block it out most of the time. No good can come from our imaginings.

 

Honestly, do you really want to be with a girl who has treated you this way? If she can do this now, she can do it with someone else in the future. You deserve better - much better.

 

Your self esteem and self respect has been shattered and going to your doctor is the right thing. Your g/f sounds a bit mixed up and insecure or she may simply be enjoying the attentions of two men - hard to know.

 

However if she had an ounce of compassion, empathy or understanding she would never have told you what she did. There is no possible purpose in such detail except to hurt you. She could have confessed without telling you any of the intimate stuff - it is irrelevant to the big issues of love, trust and respect.

 

This girl is not for you - there are many decent people out there who will treat you much better.

[justfine]

This relationship has no chance, whatsover. Now that you know what she's been up to, let go, no big deal. I think as people, we have to learn not to get too emotionally involved. We have to prepare ourselves mentally and realize that in any relationship, cheating is always a threat. Don't be crushed when you find out you GF/BF cheats. It's a just a sign that your relationship has run its course.

 

You cheated and everyone on this planet is capable of it too. Just reality. Don't take it personally.

[matthew29]

Hi guys, thanks so much for the replies. I appreciate what you are telling me, but my post was so long and difficult to read I think you may have picked up two points wrongly. She didnt tell me those details, I emailed the bloke from her hotmail getting the details out of him, and then she merely confirmed in tears the truth which was in front of her.

When I was with that girl that I gave up having sex with, I wasnt going out with rebecca. We were officially broken up for four months. She called down to my work yesterday begging me to talk to her, so we went for a drive, big mistake, I got out and told her to **** off, and she kept hounding me till I got back in, and out of no where I couldnt resist her and told her to kiss me. Big mistake. She started rubbing my crotch and asking me for the house keys. I gave them to her in a moment of weakness, truthfully being driven by my penis, and she took them and told me to meet her there at 7.30. I did and she made dinner and dressed up in lingerie and did a dance for me. Then we had sex for around 2 hours. Then again this morning, then went to lunch, then to a cinema. During the movie an english guy came on with a thick london accent and I snapped. I argued with her all the way home and dropped her off. I was starting to cope why did I give in! Is love just a feeling of attachment that takes a while to leave your body?

[BlueEyedSarah]

You both are broken up, not oficially dating when she is seeing other guys and sleeping with them. Girls are just as bad as guys when it comes to sex, we NEED sex. its just fun. She should NOT be in contact with them sexually. I see nothing wrong with her being in contact with them as friends.

 

Did you tell her you slept with some horriable girl? You found out who she has slept with, I have not heard you mention you sleeping with this other girl. What if she finds out about that? What do you think her reaction will be like? Proberbly like yours.

 

I know you are feeling hurt and jealous about her sleeping withother guys, but there is no rule to not ever see anyone else or sleep with anyone else when your boyfriend breaks up with you.

 

I know you would proberbly liked to have been told she slept with other guys, but you will still have the same reaction as you do now about it wouldnt you? Its in her past now, I think its best to quit asking her the questions which will make you hurt and jealous.

 

I can see why she didnt tell you the truth about the guys because of risk of hurting you and plus her reason of you dumping her, that will always be in her mind that fear of you dumping her again. Its still in my mind when my ex dumped me. Its going to be hard for her to trust you not to dump her again.

 

If you want to be with this girl, accept what she has done, move on from it, she is doing all she can to make you happy, she is doing all the right things to turn you on. Try and forget about what she has done, its locked in the past, she is with you now. you have her back now, dont push her away again. I can tell from your post you want to be with her and are scared to loose her.

 

Don't ask questions which will get you jealous, stop looking through her emails.

 

You were both broken up and like I said there is no rule not to date/sleep with other people while broken up, she was just having fun. Break ups from someone they love affects them in diffrent ways.

[mental_traveller]

Forget about her. You both cheated, it was doomed, and there's now way back now. Move on, pick up some girls and have some fun to take your mind of things. You should stop analysing all this stuff and just erase this whole episode from your life.