Cheater Or No Cheater

[ernst]

I have been dating this girl for 7 months now and she has confessed to kissing another guy who happens to be a friend. She went to a party telling me that i was not invited because she wanted to spend time with her friends and that their would be people i didnt know or wanted to see. She says that when leaving the party her and the guy kissed before they left(alcohol was involved)she was also angry with me from fighting, which she said is why she kissed him because she wanted to know if she felt any feelings for anyone else.. It has taken her over a month to confess this situation and i do feel like she loves me. (we both see each other just about everyday).My main point is that she is angry because the way i have treated her lately and wanted to see if kissing that guy would change anything. She says their was nothing between the two of them.

Should I stick it out and hang in their, is she a cheater, etc.

[underpants]

I am leaning to cheater.

 

Regardless, she excused her actions. Actually finding a way to make you at fault. So next time you two have a spat she will kiss another guy?

 

She has poor coping skills.

 

What if you told her. Hey, last weekend I kissed another girl, because I was a little mad at you. How do you think she would respond.

 

Also, what kind of friend fails to tell you about what happened?

 

I guess it is what you are willing to put up with.

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. She went to a party telling me that i was not invited because she wanted to spend time with her friends and that their would be people i didnt know or wanted to see.

 

2. She says that when leaving the party her and the guy kissed before they left(alcohol was involved)she was also angry with me from fighting, which she said is why she kissed him because she wanted to know if she felt any feelings for anyone else..

 

3. It has taken her over a month to confess this situation and i do feel like she loves me. (we both see each other just about everyday).

 

4. My main point is that she is angry because the way i have treated her lately and wanted to see if kissing that guy would change anything. She says their was nothing between the two of them.

 

 

You'll want to understand a few things about this situation, coming from someone who used to cheat a lot. Not anymore, though - but I certainly know it when I see it because I used to do/say the same stuff:

 

1. I did that too, if I thought that OM or a prospective OM would be there. How do you expect to hook up if your SO is right there hanging around? If SO insisted on coming, I'd just cancel the outing altogether. I can remember getting so mad when SO would want to come to a party/show that I was going to where I intended to flirt and play at being single.

 

2. Wow. She killed a lot of birds with that stone.

 

a. they always use the 'alcohol/drugs were involved' line - as if that somehow absolves them from what they did, and can't really be held responsible for it...

 

b. they always try to sneak in there that is is YOUR fault somehow, so that they can justify what they did to themselves, and to you

 

c. they always make it look like it was somehow done for the 'greater good' of the relationship. One line I always got away with was... "I didn't know how much I loved you until I was with him. Being with him actually made me love and appreciate you more... and blah, blah, blah... :rolleyes:"

 

3. It took her a month to decide how much to tell you that she knew she could get away with. I'm sure she peppered it with lots of "I didn't feel anything when we kissed" or "we pulled away before it got to heavy" or "I felt too guilty to go farther..." again... Whatever. The first truth is never the whole truth. You'll probably never know exactly what went on. You'll only be allowed to know the amount that she can get away with and not have you break up with her. She already has you believing it wasn't premeditated, and she was drunk, and she wanted to know how much she really loved you and so on. And you still love her and want to be with her? Well, as they say 'mission accomplished'.

 

4. See how she got you to think it was somehow your fault, or some fault in the relationship? Savvy, no? You'll end up apologizing for her cheating, if you haven't already.

 

There may not have been much between them, but no matter how you cut it - she intended to cheat on you, she lied and deceived you in order for it to happen, and when it did she turned it on you and made it look as if she was not at fault.

 

Until she understands what she did, and owns her sh*t I wouldn't trust her as far as you can throw her. People who blame shift and feel no remorse will almost always cheat again. What makes them not want to cheat anymore is a feeling of true remorse, and who own their own mistakes and accept that they were 100% at fault for cheating.

[IpAncA]

I have been dating this girl for 7 months now and she has confessed to kissing another guy who happens to be a friend. She went to a party telling me that i was not invited because she wanted to spend time with her friends and that their would be people i didnt know or wanted to see. She says that when leaving the party her and the guy kissed before they left(alcohol was involved)she was also angry with me from fighting, which she said is why she kissed him because she wanted to know if she felt any feelings for anyone else.. It has taken her over a month to confess this situation and i do feel like she loves me. (we both see each other just about everyday).My main point is that she is angry because the way i have treated her lately and wanted to see if kissing that guy would change anything. She says their was nothing between the two of them.

Should I stick it out and hang in their, is she a cheater, etc.

 

I can have a few drinks myself and know well enough not to go making out with someone other than my SO or kiss them for that matter. I have enough deceny and respect not to temp my relationship nor would I want to.

 

And it doesn't matter if she was angry with you or not, still doesn't justify it nor does the alcohol. If she wanted to see if kissing someone made a difference she should have broken up with you first.

 

This really urkes me because if people need to go around testing other people out and think their SO isn't going to mind, they have another thing coming when their SO finds out.

 

And that guy should have known better then to kiss her. Shows how much he thinks of you and the relationship.

 

So I guess you have to ask yourself if you can trust her in the relationship to remain exclusive? I'm not going to tell you what to do but I never needed to see if my feelings changed for someone by kissing someone else. I knew without having to do that and if I didn't, I wouldn't try it within a relationship.

[Krytellan]

7 months is way too early to have to be dealing with these issues. BAD sign. It can only get worse.

[Rakuten]

I define cheating as doing something with someone else that you wouldn't do if you were in the presence of your partner. That can be anything: holding hands, hugging, kissing, touching, etc etc. ... If its an intimate moment then it is cheating. So, alot of whether or not it is cheating depends on the mindset of the people involved when it happened and their intentions at the time. Even if it doesnt escalate to full blown sex, it is a betrayal and it destroys the trust that binds a relationship.

 

She might have told you that her mindset at the time was to get back at you but its probably safe to say that there were other factors involved. She might even have been genuinely attracted to the guy. So...I'm sorry to say it, but she is most definitely a cheater. Even if she did it just to spite you for treating her bad. She used your fighting as an excuse to free herself of the burden of telling you...That way she wouldnt have to shoulder all the blame. But thats a cop out, dont let her make you feel guilty about anything. Remember: She's the cheater, not you.

 

If you can live with that then you could try sticking with her...but if you know that it will always be in the back of your mind, then you're best to just end things quickly. Similar thing happened to me and I hung around for a while. It was pointless because things just weren't the same between us, I became suspicious of her and ultimately had to break it off. It is a hard decision, but if shes using those textbook cheater lines already, then you'll probably be in for trouble down the road.

[birdie]

she is really immature. do you really want to be with somebody as silly as her?

[Cad Rake]

dude you got played. Listen to Lucretia.

 

Or, listen to me and keep banging this girl while banging others as well. She couldn't give two rats about you. But if the p00n is good, keep at it, tell her you're all hers, and date other chicks.

 

I don't understand why unmarried men only date one woman. As my mom always told me, "Date lots of girls."

[popey]

I really do share the feelings/thoughts of most of what the others have said here. But just trying to see another possible side. Anyone think its possible that after the fight, she honestly felt like the relationship was just not working anymore, but wasn't ready to commit to ending it right there on the spot. Didn't want him to go to the party simply b/c of these feelings, but didn't go with the intention of doing anything other than partying w/ friends and not fighting with him.

 

Then when there: drunk, angry, dwelling on the negatives- concluded it really is over. Felt hurt and sad about this fact, and stupidly, and vulnerably hooked up w/ some random.

 

When the smoke cleared, she thought more clearly and realized this was something she could/would try to work through. Didn't tell him, b/c why hurt him and the relationship. Then a month later she couldn't take the guilt/deceit.

 

Not at all think this is the like explanation. Nor do I think, I personally would believe it nor find it acceptable. but that's me, and I am inclined to think its possible. wondering if its a reasonable possibility to others.

[Cad Rake]

sure it's POSSIBLE, but since we don't have all the data we need to know for sure, we have to go with what's the most PROBABLE. Which is more probable, what you just said, or that she likes another guy and is just playing around with this dude? IMHO it's the latter. Just a simpler explanation.

 

Who was it who said the simplest explanation is usually the right one?

[popey]

yea- I'm pretty sure I agree with that philosophy Crab. Admittedly after some experience with indulging in the contrary in order to allow my brain to believe that which my emotions so wanted.

 

I just feel so scinicle (sp?) sometimes. But simple, logical, and w/o an agenda at the same time.

 

Think I was actually engaging in the same here for him. Everyone wrote what I thought, but I want us all to be wrong for him.

[Cobra_X30]

Should I stick it out and hang in their, is she a cheater, etc.

 

You need to listen to LucreziaBorgia! She is spot on.

 

I'd counsel you to dump this girl with speed and efficiency! Be warned it may make her want you back... really bad.

 

I'm super good at dumping girls... probably too good. So if you decide your ready to take that step... let me know and I will assist with the plan!

[love necessity]

Should I stick it out and hang in their, is she a cheater, etc.

 

Very good question....But here's another one you should ask yourself.

 

"Should she stick it out?"...

 

You said yourself that you have been treating her badly...

 

How have you been treating her?

 

Because I believe that, even if you do decide to stick around, it still doesn't mean that somewhere in the back of her mind she is really wondering if you're the right one for her?

 

How old are you both?...

[love necessity]

Ok...Sorry...I just went back to read it...You didn't mention in there that you treated her badly...My apologies=)...On the flip side though...

 

I DO believe that you should DUMP this chick...This girl doesn't sound like the type of person you'd want to take home to meet the parents anyway...For one, she is very childish and spontaneously kisses other men...TWO...she does scandelous things behind your back, only admiting them when you guys are angry at each other, likes it's some kind of game...and THREE...This is the BIG one...There is no DOUBT in my mind that she has done OTHER THINGS, besides KISS other men....(which is still very disrespectful to you, because a kiss is a kiss, and she was being passionate w/ someone else=()

 

YOU don't want to end up becoming too serious w/ her, and then find out a couple years from now that she slept w/ your best friend...

Or, if you have children, that Billy isn't yours,

 

She already proved to you that she cannot be trusted...

 

If you truly love her though and want to make this work, then def. demand her to seek counseling for her out-of-control behaviors and counseling as a couple...