Negative Characteristics Of EX's In Responses Can Be Counterproductive???

[Alexandra-Girl]

I heard a wonderful song today that made me think of the tables being turned in a post-breakup relationship. Now this isn't always the case, but I personally think the dumpee often rushes to judgements based on raw emotions. As much as I love LS, I do think that sometimes misery loves company and thus we can be a little harsh on someone else's EX. Here is some food for thought.

 

For instance, when most dumpers break up with the dumpee, the dumpee automatically goes on the defensive and thinks that any contact from the dumper is purely because "the dumper is slime, selfish, guilt-ridden, wants sex, and on and on the negatives go". Here at LS and other sites, many respondents to original posters are so very quick to say that the dumper should NEVER receive a second chance, be heard, or responded to because they hurt the dumpee in some degree. The "walks like a duck, means it's a ..." philosophy (At least this appears to be the consensus on this board).

 

Well this song got me thinking, Enrique Iglesis - Don't you forget about Me. It is a great indicator that sometimes people who have been emotionally wounded themselves, while responding to other walking wounded, are not fully rational YET to see that a dumper can also SINCERELY feel the 20/20 hindsight loss of a partner. Consequently, when the dumper, who does make an effort to return to change the dynamic of the relationship with the dumpee, becomes shut-out and rejected for their attempts is ridiculed. My question for pondering, isn't this quite counterproductive to reconciliation?

 

For example, those that do NC to LC for the purpose of a future reconciliation really hope that the dumper has changed after months and months apart (once again, board concensus - The loss and realisation afterwards bit of where a relationship broke apart). So say the dumper does improve, how would you ever know? Especially if the dumpee is constantly advised to shut-the dumper out for extensive periods of time.

 

It is foolish to think that the dumper, especially if they are remorseful for their part, is going to lay it all out there on the first contact. If they do, you could almost guarantee that they haven't stewed long enough to understand and change their ways but are acting on feelings of loneliness. So when a dumper has changed significantly, most often they come back in small steps. Perhaps a friendly email here, a suggested meeting there. After several pleasant exchanges they may begin to open up discussion about a future -new- relationship because they have become level headed through both personal growth and behavioral recognition to start afresh with the dumpee. This is where the counterproductiveness steps in (refer to most threads about ex and mixed signals on the board).

 

I know that if I was the dumper (which I have been on both ends) and sincerely tried to reconcile, only to be shut-out after three or four attempts, I certainly wouldn't continue pursuing because I would know that the dumpee still holds anger, which wouldn't be conducive to building a new relationship based on positive changes. Incidently, we force ourselves - both dumpee and dumper - into a lose/lose situation through shutting-out the dumpers attempt to reconcile in the first place.

 

Like I said, just some food for thought.

[heartoutside]

I agree with what you're saying, and of course every situation is different. But how do you know when your ex (who is the dumper) is taking those steps? And how should one react to those steps? I won't repost my recent situation in this theard, but that is what I'm dealing with now and I'm totally lost as to what to do....

[birdie]

Alexandra has a good point and I thought about it as well a lot when reading messages here. Every situation is different but I think a lot of people that post here are defensive for one reason or another.

 

It often happens when a dumpee doesn't want the relationship back because the dumper was just quicker to point out that there was a flaw and he or she was the first to make the move. People often realise that the relationship had no future in the first place and don't want to take back the dumper.

 

You probably won't see them posting their troubles here though, they think it through, talk to a couple of friends and make a decision.

[heartoutside]

What if there wasn't a flaw or anything wrong? When my ex asked for a break, she never pointed out any flaws, with exception of my getting jealous of one guy (a guy who asked her to go to the super bowl with him....) What if there was a future a good one?

[niceguy27]

I think that a lot of people here already know deep in their heart of hearts if things will work out in the future or not. They know their SO better than anyone here. If the relationship was near perfect and suddenly someone needs to take a step back to get a breather, let them do it. That means they actually CARE about fixing things. So that doesn't neccessarily mean they dont love the other person.

 

LTR are serious things for most people. People who are not serious are the real bad ones you hear about on here. Those dumpers really dont deserve a second chance because of their shallowness. But for the most part, people have to understand that yes every one is different, but keep in mind that it comes down to the person. They know deep deep down if there is or isnt something wrong that maybe needs to have a little time to sort it out.

[heartoutside]

In my heart of hearts I would say yes, things will work out. But the problem is, my heart it what got me in this mess in the first place and it's not my heart that is lost, or confused. She is the wild card, and not knowing i guess is the hard part.

[Alexandra-Girl]

I agree with what you're saying, and of course every situation is different. But how do you know when your ex (who is the dumper) is taking those steps? And how should one react to those steps? I won't repost my recent situation in this theard, but that is what I'm dealing with now and I'm totally lost as to what to do....

 

The bold and underlined part is exactly what I am speaking of in this text. I have no answers for you unfortunately, as it was just a simple lyric that got me thinking about this topic.

 

More on the topic at hand - If we shut-out the dumper for extended amounts of time, then in-effect, we would never really know if there have been any changes.

 

So many thread responses say that the dumper must "show", "prove", "work for it", etc, etc towards any reconciliation - yet by our very own shutting out and negative views towards the dumper, we are closing the door on them regarding these recognizable attempts that we request. Ironic?!

 

If the door gets shut even once, I don't see how the dumper would even consider making themselves vulnerable a second time. It's almost like we cast-type dumpers to be heartless, barbaric, immature persons from the get-go who can't get hurt themselves. We sympathise with the dumpee so often that we often overlook that the dumper, too, is human and has emotions.

 

Relationships are two way streets. The dumper may have had other notions about why the relationship went south, but we hear the dumpees side here on LS and often how terrible and heartless the dumper was. Maybe the dumper was frustrated by the dumpee and simply couldn't handle the hurt they were receiving anymore so they ended the relationship. Maybe the dumper didn't leave the dumpee because they "weren't interested anymore", but simply because they too had been hurt so deeply - before the dumpee clued in, which is often after the relationship came to a close and the dumper came to have negative traits.

 

Just more interesting thoughts. This is a great devil's advocate thread for everyone to chime in on. It's good to critically think both sides.

[heartoutside]

And that is what I, and several other posters have been battling with; how to not close the door, but contiune on with your life. In my case and in the case of a few other posters I've been talking too, their relationships just ended for no obvisious reason. And by that I mean, things were good, comfortable and steady. No fighting, no abuse, nothing negative but simple demons of the past rear'n it's head for the dumper may have cause doubt in their mind(s). It's a very thin line to walk, very. The line of communication. Too much and you could very well push them away, none at all and you give the impression that it doesn't matter anymore.

 

Of course there are situations where it is very obvious what course of action needs to be taking. Unfortunately for myself and my situation that isn't the case. I've been through break ups where I know it's over, where the dumper has made it clear both in actions and in words. I've also been the dummper and now what should be said and done if you in fact know a relationship is over for sure. This just isn't the case this time around, in some ways I wish it were........

[niceguy27]

And that is what I, and several other posters have been battling with; how to not close the door, but contiune on with your life. In my case and in the case of a few other posters I've been talking too, their relationships just ended for no obvisious reason. And by that I mean, things were good, comfortable and steady. No fighting, no abuse, nothing negative but simple demons of the past rear'n it's head for the dumper may have cause doubt in their mind(s).

 

This is how I feel with my ex. It ended for no obvious reason but simple demons. This is a problem I am now torn with. I know that I need to let go, but I dont want her to think I am holding any animosity towards her while she goes through this.