Guys night out

[sungrl]

If you are in a relationship, do you think there is a limit on what a b/f can do on a "boys night out"...do you think its ok for a b/f to go to a singles type bar on those nights? meaning the type where there are a lot of girls at the bar, possibly some dancing, maybe dancing on tables, etc etc..a bar where its NOT really like a sports bar or dive...do you think its acceptable?

 

my b/f thinks it shouldnt matter what he does on those nights(excluding cheating of course)..i think he means it shouldnt matter where he goes and he got mad at me

[birdie]

I agree with him to some degree because you should trust each other. Even if I'm in a relationship I like going out with the girls somewhere rowdy and have a really messy good night out - but apart from talking to other guys I'd never dream of anything else.

 

I suppose I could ask what you mean by 'singles type bars'. Is that your boyfriend likes going to rowdy places with his mates and have a good time? That's absolutely fine if you trust him 100%. If you don't trust him 100% then that's a different issue entirely. You can't possibly police him

[BlueEyedSarah]

If you are in a relationship, do you think there is a limit on what a b/f can do on a "boys night out"...do you think its ok for a b/f to go to a singles type bar on those nights? meaning the type where there are a lot of girls at the bar, possibly some dancing, maybe dancing on tables, etc etc..a bar where its NOT really like a sports bar or dive...do you think its acceptable?

 

my b/f thinks it shouldnt matter what he does on those nights(excluding cheating of course)..i think he means it shouldnt matter where he goes and he got mad at me

I like it when I'm with a guy and he has those guys night outs, especially if i am staying with him/living with him and he has the girls nights out but maybe thats because both the guys I trusted and have been/known them very well not to hurt me. The only thing that worries me is when they drive home drunk or their drunk friend drives them home. Thats what happened with my ex. He's guy friend who had 6 beers drove him home. It worried me a lot and made me disapointed in him. I usually ask if he had a good time, I avoid the question of who did you meet, who did you talk to, what did you do, blah blah blah. Just avoid the questions which will make you jealous.

[nerdie07]

I agree, this should really not be a problem. So what if there are girls dancing? My boyfriend goes away each year for a weekend with his 10 buddies. This year, its Amsterdam. (We live in Europe). I am not thrilled ofcourse, because half the guys are single, but I am happy for him that he's be able to enjoy a weekend with his friends. He is going next weekend. My tip: If your guy is going out with his mates, get your girls together, throw on a sexy dress, and go out and dance! Don't worry too much about him. There will be girls, and they will be hot, but he has you. You can ask him not to dance with other girls (as me and my boyfriend have agreed on), and try not to worry too much about it. Nothing will happen, and if it does, youre better off without him.

[sungrl]

A singles type bar meaning..a bar where its really crowded, girls are dressed to impress, dancing going on...it just makes me feel like its somewhat inappopriate to go a type of place like that without your s/o.

 

and if i avoid asking him those questions of who did you meet, talk to etc etc..arent i just being naive? do u think these nights are really just innocent?

[girlconfused]

If you are in a relationship, do you think there is a limit on what a b/f can do on a "boys night out"...do you think its ok for a b/f to go to a singles type bar on those nights? meaning the type where there are a lot of girls at the bar, possibly some dancing, maybe dancing on tables, etc etc..a bar where its NOT really like a sports bar or dive...do you think its acceptable?

 

my b/f thinks it shouldnt matter what he does on those nights(excluding cheating of course)..i think he means it shouldnt matter where he goes and he got mad at me

 

 

 

I am 26 and in the same boat! I think we just need to trust them! When I go out with my girls....we get rowdy and dance. I would never cheat on him. But it is good to get out with the girls. It is hard to be on the other end of things though. I have a rough time staying home when he goes out b/c oyu worry! We are women and we worry! I assume the worst. We cant do that or the relationships we are in are doomed! We have to trust them when they go out! Wouldnt you rather know now if he does something wrong then find out later when you have invested so much time!?

[Krytellan]

and if i avoid asking him those questions of who did you meet, talk to etc etc..arent i just being naive?

 

No, it's called being functional. People resent having to explain everything little thing they do, and if you do question him, it comes off as very obvious and frankly very pathetic.

[Lyssa]

I let my BF go play golf with his mates, cricket once a week - I'm fine with that. He wants to go to the bars with his friends, be it a singles bar type or whatever, I let him go. I don't control him because I don't like to be controlled. I have my own life and so does he. We trust one another and that is why our r/ship is a happy one.

 

I don't understand girls who has this sort of insecurities. I really don't. I agree with Krytellan - it is frankly very pathetic.

[VirtualInsanity]

I don't have a problem w/ a guys night out. Sounds like fun.

[birdie]

A singles type bar meaning..a bar where its really crowded, girls are dressed to impress, dancing going on...it just makes me feel like its somewhat inappopriate to go a type of place like that without your s/o.

 

and if i avoid asking him those questions of who did you meet, talk to etc etc..arent i just being naive? do u think these nights are really just innocent?

 

I just don't understand why he would have to give up his life just because he is dating you. maybe you should do your own thing as well, perhaps that would make you feel more secure

[Krytellan]

Just another thought. You know, I don't see why it matters where he goes. He could go to strip bars with the guys but that wouldn't change the basic idea here. It is not your role to change his behavior. It is, however, your responsibility to decide if you accept his behavior. Worry less about changing your bf and more about how you feel about the decisions he makes.

[starlite]

It can be really tough, but your bf is right. He should be able to go anywhere on boys night out and it shouldnt be an issue. He wants you to just trust him.

 

I used to have a tough time with this too. Then finally I realized I had to let go of it. I LOVE going out with my girlfriends, and what do girls love to go do...DANCE! We dont go all the time but when we do it's great. My bf totally trusts me to go and do this. I am sure there may be slight jealousy but 98% of him is totally ok and 100% trusts me.

 

My bf goes to dives, regular bars, and bars that may get rowdy with dressed up girls and what not. He is also in a band so every weekend he is the focus of attention and girls are dancing right in front of stage.

 

When we started dating his social life and friends didnt disappear. He shouldnt miss out on the nights at the bars with the boys because he has an insecure gf at home worrying something may happen.

 

I got my bf to the point of resentment before i finally realized it was time to RELAX and trust him. Give it a shot...your bf is right...and he will resent you for not trusting him and that is what it is about.

 

Sorry for rambling!

[Cobra_X30]

If you are in a relationship, do you think there is a limit on what a b/f can do on a "boys night out"...do you think its ok for a b/f to go to a singles type bar on those nights? meaning the type where there are a lot of girls at the bar, possibly some dancing, maybe dancing on tables, etc etc..a bar where its NOT really like a sports bar or dive...do you think its acceptable?

 

my b/f thinks it shouldnt matter what he does on those nights(excluding cheating of course)..i think he means it shouldnt matter where he goes and he got mad at me

 

 

Why are you with this guy again? Do you think he is going to change?

 

He brings out your basest insecurities... I'd say let someone else deal with him!

[Flyin in Clouds]

A singles type bar meaning..a bar where its really crowded, girls are dressed to impress, dancing going on...it just makes me feel like its somewhat inappopriate to go a type of place like that without your s/o.

 

and if i avoid asking him those questions of who did you meet, talk to etc etc..arent i just being naive? do u think these nights are really just innocent?

 

innocent? hahahahaha....

 

The real issue is if it makes you uncomfortable he shouldn't do it. It's called consideration for my significant other's feelings.

 

What if you go on girls night out, dressed to kill, to the same kind of bars? What are the odds you won't get hit on? (It's the whole number less than 1). Would that bother him? It would bother me if my wife did that. Why? Not so much because I don't trust her, but because I know what guys are after. And some of those "guys" are so desperate they'll use drugs to get what they want.

 

But then my wife and I basically don't do girls/boys nights out. Never have. We enjoy being with each. Being apart at work was enough. I don't hang with a bunch of single guys. I'd rather party with other couples. Dinner, theater, bridge, going dancing with a group of people I know, ...

 

People resent having to explain everything little thing they do,

So you gals don't mind if we guys go to strip clubs for a few lap dances... we'd rather not explain those little things to you. We really resent that.

 

If there are things you can't explain to your partner that you did on girls/boys night out then perhaps you ought not being doing those things.

 

I for one resent having things hidden from me. I resent my partner not telling me everything about them and instead keeping part of their life secret and apart from me.

 

and if you do question him, it comes off as very obvious and frankly very pathetic.

Turst and don't bother to verify. That way you won't feel like a total fool if he's cheating on you.

 

I don't understand girls who has this sort of insecurities. I really don't. I agree with Krytellan - it is frankly very pathetic.

I don't understand girls that get all worked up over their guy going to a strip club or looking at porn or starring at other women. Very pathetic.

 

It is, however, your responsibility to decide if you accept his behavior. Worry less about changing your bf and more about how you feel about the decisions he makes.

exactly. If it bothers you, dump him. Go get into that little black dress and hit the singles bar. But be warned - the kind of guy you pick up in a single bar probably isn't into not going to singles bars to pickup chicks. It's just what those kind of guys do.

 

He should be able to go anywhere on boys night out ...

Anywhere? There is this ranch in Nevada... What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas right?

 

He wants you to just trust him.

Ah, yeah. Fools in love. That's why so many on here have been fooled by their cheating spouse.

 

It is so much easier to cheat when one's SO trusts them completely.

 

Why are you with this guy again? Do you think he is going to change?

 

He brings out your basest insecurities... I'd say let someone else deal with him!

That's the bottom line sungrl. Do you want someone that doesn't care that their actions make you unhappy? Sounds like a swell relationship.

 

Just remember, if you get no say in what he does, he's got no say in what you do. Go out and have a good time, without him. If he doesn't worry he might loose you to some more studly guy... well then he just doesn't care all that much about you does he?

[starlite]

[

 

"Ah, yeah. Fools in love. That's why so many on here have been fooled by their cheating spouse.

 

It is so much easier to cheat when one's SO trusts them completely.

 

 

I quoted that terribly.

 

I find it funny that you make the above comment, but then on another post just a bit ago you told a girl whose father cheated on her mother that you have a friend who was so insecure due to the same thing that it drove your friends husband to cheat on her. Insecurity is one of the biggest reasons men (and women) cheat. It drives them away.

 

I was going to jump all over your post Flyin because i disagree with a bunch of it...but to each there own.

 

Sungrl- Show your guy trust. Wouldnt you rather do that, relax and let him do what he wants (in terms of going out with his friends) rather than put rules and restrictions on him. It is better to let them do what they want. You dont want the only reason your bf doesnt cheat to be because he cant due to your insecurities and having him on rules like your his Mom. If he wants to cheat...he will cheat. A bar with girls wont make a man in love cheat unless he wants to. And besides, most men who cheat tend to do so with a work colleague and you cant stop him from working. Trust until you have a reason not to.

 

My bf has a job where he has business trips for nights here and there and even full weeks. I have NO idea who is there and what goes on...I just have to trust him.

 

I get dressed up for nights out with my gf's, he encourages it, knows guys hit on me...but he trusts me. He knows it is important to go out and be with friends.

 

Not to mention, i think you are in my age range. Mid 20's. You are going to have a tough time finding a guy without single friend and who doesnt want to be part of nights out just because the boys want to go to the bars. All my guys friends are single, who am i to say "you cant hang with them unless you are somewhere without girls." And dive bars, they are crawling with regulars, male and female. There is no one type of place you can find someone to be with.

 

Kry has it right, It is just a matter of if you can or cant be ok with it. Your bf is doing nothing wrong and sounds very reasonable. As long as it is equal between the two of you.

 

You have been with him over 2 years! You have a huge insecurity that you need to work on or you will push him away, like i said...i pushed and I am SO Lucky my guy is still around.

 

Trust him! Dont spend your whole relationship worrying. But if you cant handle it, end it. Dont stay in the relationship because just because you are in one does not mean the life he knew (without you) should be over. He should have both (as long as it isnt all the time).

 

AGAIN!!! I am rambling!

[VirtualInsanity]

We're not our SO's mothers. I wouldn't like it if someone tried to put stipulations on what I can do.

 

I was thinking about this today & I don't understand why SO's have to disclose what they do every waking moment. Like I mentioned before, if I had a SO I'd have no problems w/ him doing anything that wouldn't cause the relationship to end.

[Krytellan]

Just remember, if you get no say in what he does, he's got no say in what you do. Go out and have a good time, without him. If he doesn't worry he might loose you to some more studly guy... well then he just doesn't care all that much about you does he?

 

And there we have it. Playing games and having our SOs actions justify our existence is so much more important than identifying what we are uncomfortable with and addressing that.

 

If you're going to be a nervous accusing wreck every time he goes to a bar with friends, leave him... it's simple. There are plenty of equally paranoid and accusing men that you can hook up with that would love to have you by their side every waking moment. Think of the fun you could have then, huh? Constant contact... no life outside of the relationship... always knowing everything he's doing. Gosh, makes me wanna run out and get me one of those.

 

Enjoy that.

[popey]

First, I agree with everyone who said that what really matters is what feels ok for both of you. But I also have to give a little support here. If he is going to dance clubs, these are not places conducive to talking with your buddies. So its not about taking some time to talk sports, business, nostalgia with the boys. Dance clubs are uniquely fun if you like to dance. But keep in mind, guys don't dance together. So this is only an ok explanation if she is ok with him dancing with other women. There are two other explanations I can think of now, for choosing to go to this kind of place instead of a calmer venue and they are 1. His single friends like to go, and frankly sometimes its fun to go with them, watch them bomb out with the girls, etx. or 2. He just really still likes the energy of a club scene once in awhile.

 

I think that if my SO wanted to go to clubs with the guys alot, and I wasn't welcome, I would need some conversation to understand the reasoning behind the choice to feel comfortable with that. If it is a rare choice, I think I would chalk it up to one of the latter explanations and deal with my jealousy being my issue to not burden him with.

 

btw- if the answer is one of the two latter explanations and he is going more than once or twice. IMO, there should be no reason why you would not be welcome to come along sometimes.

[Trialbyfire]

For me it would be a matter of how often. If every weekend, he's out with the boys at a singles or a strip bar, I would wonder if we had the same goals and values in life. If it's once in awhile, no big deal.

 

OP, you might need someone who is more settled like you, if you're concerned about him doing this once in awhile.

[birdie]

And there we have it. Playing games and having our SOs actions justify our existence is so much more important than identifying what we are uncomfortable with and addressing that.

 

If you're going to be a nervous accusing wreck every time he goes to a bar with friends, leave him... it's simple. There are plenty of equally paranoid and accusing men that you can hook up with that would love to have you by their side every waking moment. Think of the fun you could have then, huh? Constant contact... no life outside of the relationship... always knowing everything he's doing. Gosh, makes me wanna run out and get me one of those.

 

Enjoy that.

 

second that

[popey]

We're not our SO's mothers. I wouldn't like it if someone tried to put stipulations on what I can do.

 

I was thinking about this today & I don't understand why SO's have to disclose what they do every waking moment. Like I mentioned before, if I had a SO I'd have no problems w/ him doing anything that wouldn't cause the relationship to end.

 

We all put stipulations on what we're ok with our SO's doing. For you, going to pick up joints may not be among them but that's you. What is so different about one person saying, "For me, a man who goes to singles bars with the boys every other week, is not what I want." or "For me, a man who goes to KKK meetings every other week, is not what I want" ?

 

Both statements are stipulations regarding choices your SO may make and how you feel about that. I don't agree that everytime a person wants a change in their SO's behavior/activities, this automaticly means that there are trust, insecurity and control issues.

[starlite]

First, I agree with everyone who said that what really matters is what feels ok for both of you. But I also have to give a little support here. If he is going to dance clubs, these are not places conducive to talking with your buddies. So its not about taking some time to talk sports, business, nostalgia with the boys. Dance clubs are uniquely fun if you like to dance. But keep in mind, guys don't dance together. So this is only an ok explanation if she is ok with him dancing with other women. There are two other explanations I can think of now, for choosing to go to this kind of place instead of a calmer venue and they are 1. His single friends like to go, and frankly sometimes its fun to go with them, watch them bomb out with the girls, etx. or 2. He just really still likes the energy of a club scene once in awhile.

 

.

 

Just to clarify ( and I am not posotive of this but I am pretty sure) he is not trying to go clubbing. I have a feeling it's not some dark, strobe light, sweaty people trying to rub all over you type of place. I think she just means bars where there may be a dance floor or what not with a band Etc. We have one in my area that the girls dress up and you can dance around, but it is in fact a bar where people sit and chat as well. Also, my bf is in a band and he plays at bars a lot and girls (and guys) dance...but it is no way club like.

[Cobra_X30]

And there we have it. Playing games and having our SOs actions justify our existence is so much more important than identifying what we are uncomfortable with and addressing that.

 

If you're going to be a nervous accusing wreck every time he goes to a bar with friends, leave him... it's simple. There are plenty of equally paranoid and accusing men that you can hook up with that would love to have you by their side every waking moment. Think of the fun you could have then, huh? Constant contact... no life outside of the relationship... always knowing everything he's doing. Gosh, makes me wanna run out and get me one of those.

 

Enjoy that.

 

Look, trust is something that is earned and built. You have to put money in the bank before you try to take some out! Your advocating the credit card system? Guess what.... someone is eventually going to have to pay that bill... and it does have a high interest rate!

 

You jump on this girl for bieng insecure! But it sounds more like her BF just doesnt want to give up bieng single.

[birdie]

maybe that's where the difference is. some of us have a more positive attitude to trust and don't think the other person have to PROVE themselves first. why is the suspicion without a cause?

[starlite]

Look, trust is something that is earned and built. You have to put money in the bank before you try to take some out! Your advocating the credit card system? Guess what.... someone is eventually going to have to pay that bill... and it does have a high interest rate!

 

You jump on this girl for bieng insecure! But it sounds more like her BF just doesnt want to give up bieng single.

 

But, they have been together for over 2 years at this point and she has been suspicious the WHOLE time and has found nothing.