Guys night out

[Krytellan]

Look, trust is something that is earned and built. You have to put money in the bank before you try to take some out! Your advocating the credit card system? Guess what.... someone is eventually going to have to pay that bill... and it does have a high interest rate!

 

You jump on this girl for bieng insecure! But it sounds more like her BF just doesnt want to give up bieng single.

 

I didn't advocate any trust system. What I said is if she doesn't trust him and his want to be an actually functional person with a life outside of the relationship *gasp* causes her grief, there are plenty of men who would be like her and desire no life outside the relationship. She should choose to either lighten up and let her b/f have a totally functional social life, or leave him and find someone who doesn't want that. They are out there.

[Cobra_X30]

I didn't advocate any trust system. What I said is if she doesn't trust him and his want to be an actually functional person with a life outside of the relationship *gasp* causes her grief, there are plenty of men who would be like her and desire no life outside the relationship. She should choose to either lighten up and let her b/f have a totally functional social life, or leave him and find someone who doesn't want that. They are out there.

 

No, I understand what your saying... and I completely agree with the end goal. I just dont think your reasoning is sound. I've read many of her posts, and its always the same issue. The guy asks for 100% trust but does nothing to build that trust. He always wants to go clubbing with his buddies... usually to places she isnt old enough to go. It's not about having a social life outside of his relationship. That's really never been the issue... It's always about drinking and dancing with other girls...

 

So, to paraphrase your point. "If he wants to be a swinger, you shouldnt try to stop him... just dump him instead", and Yes I agree with that.

[Cobra_X30]

But, they have been together for over 2 years at this point and she has been suspicious the WHOLE time and has found nothing.

 

He also has done close to Zero to build that trust... in fact he is sabotaging it at every turn.

[Cobra_X30]

maybe that's where the difference is. some of us have a more positive attitude to trust and don't think the other person have to PROVE themselves first. why is the suspicion without a cause?

 

Yes you do have to prove it. Thats how the world works. When you take a risk with somebody whether its providing a loan, or hiring for a job, or whatever... you always ask for some kind of proof that they are good for it.

 

I dont understand why when it comes to love you think its a different set of rules? Doesnt that sound kind of naive?

[allina]

Is this bf really going to clubs whee scantily dressed women are dancing on bars or is this an imagined fear on the OP's part? I enjoy clubs and bars and I don't feel like they are as big of a threat as some people may think. Another important question is, are you invited to come along or is it strictly a boys night?

 

My bf and I are very lenient with what we are comfortable with the other one doing so it has never been an issue. We do most friend activities in a mixed sex group but we also go out separately with our friends. I never worry about where he is going but I also know that I am always welcome if I feel like coming. I don't always go because I believe separate outings are important and sometimes I don't feel like it or want to do something else but it feels nice to know you're always welcome. I think it's when certain outings are always off limits for one partner that it becomes an issue.

[LoveLace]

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I suppose I could ask what you mean by 'singles type bars'. Is that your boyfriend likes going to rowdy places with his mates and have a good time? That's absolutely fine if you trust him 100%. If you don't trust him 100% then that's a different issue entirely. You can't possibly police him

 

 

I agree. Men and women both need their nights out with their same-sex friends once in a while. And if the group includes some singles, it would be unfair to restrict "singles-type bars" from the agenda just because somone's GF or BF would disapprove.

 

Even if you are not "single"-- I think we all get the need to just "feel" single again sometimes...not in a sense that we'll go out and pick up someone...but if someone asks you out and you say, "sorry I have a boyfriend"...it just feels good to know that someone had their eye on you...and if there is total trust in the relationship then this possiblity shouldn't bother anybody.

[starlite]

No, I understand what your saying... and I completely agree with the end goal. I just dont think your reasoning is sound. I've read many of her posts, and its always the same issue. The guy asks for 100% trust but does nothing to build that trust. He always wants to go clubbing with his buddies... usually to places she isnt old enough to go. It's not about having a social life outside of his relationship. That's really never been the issue... It's always about drinking and dancing with other girls...

 

So, to paraphrase your point. "If he wants to be a swinger, you shouldnt try to stop him... just dump him instead", and Yes I agree with that.

 

But he is not trying to go clubbing. She said bars and added that they get rowdy and girls dress nice. That is every bar in my area. Basically her bf wants to go to bars that may or may not get crowded and I do have a feeling that she plays this situation out in her head way worse.

 

And if him wanting to go to a bar breaks trust that is craziness.

 

And Cobra, you said "and he does nothing to build that trust." They have been together 2.5 years, if he has done nothing to build trust in there relationship I would be SO surprised. And building trust doesnt mean not going out. It means not cheating, not lying and not doing things to hurt the other.

 

I dont want to jump on this girl...but it took people really opening my eyes to my REDICULOUS insecurities to realize how bad it was. Sungrl- Read through your history...he brought a shirt to work, you worried he was cheating, he helps his family on Sundays, you worry. It's not healthy, you're not enjoying your relationship.

[LakesideDream]

What exactly is the BF doing that's causing suspicion? Dance Clubs? PU bars? I'm not sure from the post.

 

In the beginning of my long marriage (25yrs,now dead) I had "boys nights out" once or twice a month. Two long term friends (who were around the house a lot, and to be honest, both of which were "wingmen" in our clubbing/musician days) went to Movies...(believe it or not) and fights. One married, one still single.

 

The ex and I went to movies too, but she really didn't like the "cool movies"... you gals know the kind, the ones with Aliens, Giant Bugs, and Lizards in them. She also didn't like to go see fights, live or on theater TV (before HBO pay per view... or HBO even).

 

That didn't stop her from 25 questions about the movies or fights though. I found out later that she actually didn't believe that we went where I said. She thought we were "cruising" bars (until 11:30 we worked day). She kept her suspicion in her "Book of Wrongs" for over two Decades.

 

Moral of the story? IF she doesen't trust you she doesen't. Keep your nose clean and live the best you can.

[birdie]

Yes you do have to prove it. Thats how the world works. When you take a risk with somebody whether its providing a loan, or hiring for a job, or whatever... you always ask for some kind of proof that they are good for it.

 

I dont understand why when it comes to love you think its a different set of rules? Doesnt that sound kind of naive?

 

no I don't view love or a relationship as a business transaction. I seriously don't think you can view people as facts and figures and treat them as such. I think it is very hard to fit people into neat little boxes and frankly that sounds rather dull and predictable.

 

In my experience it pays to be generous and trusting. If that's naive then be it. Rather be naive than cynical, that's for sure

[Woggle]

What exactly is the BF doing that's causing suspicion? Dance Clubs? PU bars? I'm not sure from the post.

 

In the beginning of my long marriage (25yrs,now dead) I had "boys nights out" once or twice a month. Two long term friends (who were around the house a lot, and to be honest, both of which were "wingmen" in our clubbing/musician days) went to Movies...(believe it or not) and fights. One married, one still single.

 

The ex and I went to movies too, but she really didn't like the "cool movies"... you gals know the kind, the ones with Aliens, Giant Bugs, and Lizards in them. She also didn't like to go see fights, live or on theater TV (before HBO pay per view... or HBO even).

 

That didn't stop her from 25 questions about the movies or fights though. I found out later that she actually didn't believe that we went where I said. She thought we were "cruising" bars (until 11:30 we worked day). She kept her suspicion in her "Book of Wrongs" for over two Decades.

 

Moral of the story? IF she doesen't trust you she doesen't. Keep your nose clean and live the best you can.

 

 

And yet she was the one cheating. I find that women who like to question everything a man does are usually guilty themselves.

[SueBee3490]

no I don't view love or a relationship as a business transaction. I seriously don't think you can view people as facts and figures and treat them as such. I think it is very hard to fit people into neat little boxes and frankly that sounds rather dull and predictable.

 

In my experience it pays to be generous and trusting. If that's naive then be it. Rather be naive than cynical, that's for sure

 

I know before that I felt just like you - I would trust a man from the beginning because I am a trusting person. After having dated my current husband for 2.5 yrs (and once in that time he did cheat on me and I forgave him and gave him another chance) and trusted him, I just got burned. He continued to cheat and lie to my face. I thought surely he saw how much he hurt me the first time he cheat, surely he won't do it again! Was I stupid! He continued to cheat as though earning my trust meant nothing. I've never experienced this kind of heartbreak in my life and I'm in my 40's.

 

With my next relationships, I will not automatically trust the next guy because I've seen how easy it is for some people to lie/betray/cheat on you and then put on a completely different face and tell you how lucky they are to have found you - that you are the only one, blah, blah, blah. Don't know this poster's previous relationsips but maybe she's been hurt in the past so is more cautious now.

[Cobra_X30]

I dont want to jump on this girl...but it took people really opening my eyes to my REDICULOUS insecurities to realize how bad it was. Sungrl- Read through your history...he brought a shirt to work, you worried he was cheating, he helps his family on Sundays, you worry. It's not healthy, you're not enjoying your relationship.

 

Oh, man I went back and read a few posts... and honestly I mixed up the OP with someone else!

 

My bad! I completely apologize!

 

James, Krytellian, Birdie, and anyone else... I'm sorry I got this one backwards!

[Cobra_X30]

no I don't view love or a relationship as a business transaction. I seriously don't think you can view people as facts and figures and treat them as such. I think it is very hard to fit people into neat little boxes and frankly that sounds rather dull and predictable.

 

In my experience it pays to be generous and trusting. If that's naive then be it. Rather be naive than cynical, that's for sure

 

Typically I'd come back and debate this a little... but at this point Ive mixed up my threads bad enough already .

 

If you start a new one for general thoughts on trust issues I think we could get a good discussion going!

 

In the meantime... my apologies!

[bish]

If you are in a relationship, do you think there is a limit on what a b/f can do on a "boys night out"...do you think its ok for a b/f to go to a singles type bar on those nights?

 

Well I'm a guy, and I can say that if I'm in a committed relationship, what the hell would I be doing at a singles bar?

 

my b/f thinks it shouldnt matter what he does on those nights(excluding cheating of course)..i think he means it shouldnt matter where he goes and he got mad at me

 

Of course he doesn't think it should matter, even if it hurts your feelings...because he's an as$hole.

 

Bottom line, you don't have the right to tell him what to do, but if he doesn't respect your feelings...then he's a jerk that deserves to be kicked to the curb.

 

And sounds like he IS a jerk....so get those boots on.

[Woggle]

I go to clubs all the time not because I want to pick up women but because I like the music and I like the scene. Not everything is about going out and picking up people.

[oppath]

Why go to a "singles" bar when you are in a relationship...

 

At a dance club, for every guy that is grinding with girls, there are 5 on the dance floor bobbing there heads up and down dancing with nobody, and another 10 off to the side not dancing at all.

 

At a lounge/bar, same thing: for every guy that is going around meeting girls, there are 10 who stick to their circle and aren't really talking to anyone except their friends.

 

"Singles" bar? What does that even mean. There are bars and clubs, and they aren't necessarily conducive to interacting with new people. You can go and JUST enjoy your friends.

 

The issues, if you are in a relationship, are (1) do you get invited to come along, or would you feel free to invite yourself along with your bf/gf if you have nothing else going on, and (2) do you get to know the people your SO goes with. If those two things aren't met, then absolutely, your partner going is a bit of a problem. Trust is built if you know his crew and if you are free to sometimes come along. You can trust, because he's not secretive, and if you are allowed to befriend his friends, well, secrets are more difficult to keep.

 

I don't see a problem with guys nights out or girls nights out as long as you have met the people and they know of your existence, and you could ask to come along too if you didn't have anything else to do that night )every now and then).

[Krytellan]

Well I'm a guy, and I can say that if I'm in a committed relationship, what the hell would I be doing at a singles bar?

 

 

 

Of course he doesn't think it should matter, even if it hurts your feelings...because he's an as$hole.

 

Bottom line, you don't have the right to tell him what to do, but if he doesn't respect your feelings...then he's a jerk that deserves to be kicked to the curb.

 

And sounds like he IS a jerk....so get those boots on.

 

What???

 

We are being painted a picture that reeks of only half of the story. I have a nagging feeling there is much being left out. But keep in mind this poster is coming from a place of jealousy/insecurity. She is painting this picture of a seedy bar with a dance floor full of hoochie mommas and a huge greased up orgy. Come on, when was the last time you saw women dancing on tables???

 

I will promise you that this image that is being painted is not consistent with reality. It is a culmination of a deep-seated fears from the OP that anywhere her bf goes he is going to forget about her and find someone better. And when we disagree with what someone does while in that state, we will try our best to make it look as bad as possible. Dancing on tables? Yeah, welcome to 1985.

 

If I'm right, I commend your b/f on not putting up with silly "rules" that you feel he should be governed by. He doesn't belong to you, and you shouldn't want him to. Relationships last when they are bred from choice, not from restrictions.

[popey]

Well put Oppath.

[bish]

What???

 

We are being painted a picture that reeks of only half of the story. I have a nagging feeling there is much being left out. But keep in mind this poster is coming from a place of jealousy/insecurity.

 

She is? She didn't say she laid down any rules or anything of the sort. She simply asked the question if it was acceptable.

 

She mentioned something about it to her boyfriend. And he got mad...that tells me he is a jerk. If a gf of mine was trying to communicate to me that something I was doing hurt her feelings...I'd listen to her...I wouldn't get mad. Only way I could see me getting mad is if I didn't care about what the hell she felt.

 

She is painting this picture of a seedy bar with a dance floor full of hoochie mommas and a huge greased up orgy. Come on, when was the last time you saw women dancing on tables???

 

Oh its been a while...but that has been replaced with bumping/grinding and simulated sex on the dancefloor.

 

 

If I'm right, I commend your b/f on not putting up with silly "rules" that you feel he should be governed by.

 

Care to state what rules she put down? Funny....I didn't see any.

 

And I'll state again...if she put rules down...then he has the option to leave her if he doesn't like it.

 

But she didn't put any rules down. She probably mentioned it to him..and let him know she didn't like it or wasn't comfortable with it. And any decent boyfriend would talk to her about it and try to assure her that she is the one for him and that nobody at a singles club could sway him.

 

but he didn't do that...he got mad at her for simply communicating her concern. Ya...some great guy.

[bish]

innocent? hahahahaha....

 

The real issue is if it makes you uncomfortable he shouldn't do it. It's called consideration for my significant other's feelings.

 

EXACTLY...and if you don't give a shiit about your SO's feelings..then get the hell out of the relationship.

[sungrl]

my b/f doesnt agree that b/c im uncomfortable with him being out and possibly at a bar without me that he should say no and go home.

 

I just feel worried about it..they are going close to a friend's b-day so im thinking it might possibly lead to a strip club or something..its going to be in the middle of the week and a good friend said well if you are this worried then atleast be happy its not on a friday or saturday night..its in the middle of the week--its not a party type night.

[LakesideDream]

my b/f doesnt agree that b/c im uncomfortable with him being out and possibly at a bar without me that he should say no and go home.

 

I just feel worried about it..they are going close to a friend's b-day so im thinking it might possibly lead to a strip club or something..its going to be in the middle of the week and a good friend said well if you are this worried then atleast be happy its not on a friday or saturday night..its in the middle of the week--its not a party type night.

 

Guilty until proven innocent, trust, communication, all have no meaning to you sungrl. As you say, you are thinking it might lead to strip club or something. Nothing specific mind you, just something you are worried about.

 

The LS Mods are touchy about making medical or psycological proclaimations or giving advice, it's hard to refrain for suggesting that you might seek some intensive personal counseling.