Not sure how to do this! Guilt and confusion

[mourningMM]

I know that people reach out to the future like it is a promised land, picturing a place where they are perfectly happy.

 

But when there are children in a marriage, the reality of divorce is never perfect. Children have to live a split life, never really feeling centered and grounded. Part of their life is with each parent, and if those parents have different lives, this fractures a child's picture of the world.

 

Sometimes having different perspectives can be good, but it means that they will always want something that is in the other half of their life. My kids both complain about it even 6 years after the separation, 3 after the divorce, 2 after he married the OW. 'my skirt is at dad's', 'my tie is at dad's' come out in a whine. Kids really don't deserve to have their lives split in two; they don't ask for it and they have to bear the burden.

 

And you will have to continue co-parenting, coordinating schedules; what will it be like to bring other people (and potentially their children) into the logistics of your future?

 

Look, it sounds like you don't hate her, she doesn't hate you...you have just drifted apart. It also sounds like you made a decision unilaterally, especially if her reaction to your statements about the marriage having problems was hurt and surprise. Just because you see it that way, doesn't mean that is the only way to see the relationship. Maybe she sees this as the lull that happens when careers and childcare sap the strenght from individuals...and that once the kids get a little older the two of you can reconnect.

 

In making all of your decisions, you were taking mental baby steps that justified your decision to leave.

 

You can make a concious effort to honor your vow, and make baby steps toward eachother. Especially now that you've started the conversation. If counseling before didn't work, maybe you had the wrong counselor. Maybe neither of you were really mature or self-aware enough to change.

 

For the sake of your kids, and your future; give counseling one more try while you both understand that you are setting an example for your kids on how to honor a commitment.

 

I will pray for your, that you do what will allow you to look in the mirror with a clear concience.

 

Why not put that same energy imagining a life like you used to imagine when you first married your wife? Why not taking her out on dates to discover whether the person you fell in love with is still there under the layers of exhaustion that come in a 2-career, multi-child family.

 

Are you mid-lifing? Is she peri-menapausal? Could this be a chemical imbalance brough on by sleep deprevation and lack of common time without kids?

 

You say you travel...get family to watch the kids (if it is possible with all of their activities) and take your wife with you. Or prioritize family time higher than me-time.

 

good luck...I wish my ex had tried even one or two of these things...they would have made a huge difference. But he imagined a rosy future with an OW.

 

Please don't make that mistake.

[Bobby NoBrains]

MourningMM, the wonderful depth of your post made me read up on other stuff you've written. I sympathize with your problem, and I think you're a wonderfully strong person to have come out of it the way you have so far ... Your post definitely made me think. I have to say that your advice makes so much sense and that I'm definitely going to keep your wisdom in mind for a long while in my own situation. Thank you.

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby