Dating a married man

[pinkroses]

First of all, it's not me who is, it's my mother. I just want to get some opinions from you all. My mother has been involved with someone for several years now. She even bought a house in the town he lives in to be conveniently close to him. She has extreme hatred toward this man's wife, she acts like the wife is the "other woman" instead of her. I really love my mother and I get tired of seeing her in pain all the time.

 

This man is involved in an extracurricular activity that sometimes takes him to out of town shows. She always goes, even though his wife is always there. So she lurks in the shadows and waits for bits of time here and there to talk to him. She tells me she always comes home from these shows hurting and upset. What does she expect??? I think one of the reasons for the longevity of the relationship is the fact that they ride to work together every day too.

 

I try to avoid saying too much, and I can't throw stones because I'll admit, a few years ago I had a fling with someone who was married too. But from the very start I knew it wasn't going anywhere, and I kept my heart guarded for the day it would be over. It wasn't easy to be cast off as I predicted I would be, but I was a much happier person when I broke away from it, and started respecting myself more too. I also know without a moment's doubt I would never, ever ever in a million years do it again. My mother is 60 and she's given up on ever finding a quality man in her age group. She insists there is no one like this guy she is involved with.

 

She is settling for half a life with him, with a lot of pain, and none of the good qualities a relationship should have, as far as trust, freedom, monogomy, etc. I finally told her this in an e-mail yesterday. She didn't answer me, she's probably hurt or put out about it. All she ever wants me to say is positive things about the relationship, but I'm getting tired of skirting the issue and being supportive about something that is so wrong. She knows I don't judge her, I'm just tired of seeing her do this to herself. I'm not sure she even sees the wrong in it or the angst she's going through anymore. Is it so terrible of me to want her to have a higher quality of life than she is having? My mother is a highly intelligent and wise and attractive woman, I just don't comprehend some of the things she does in the area of relationships.

 

Can anyone relate or have any tips to give me?

[Tony T]

It's best if you stay out of your mother's affairs. What she's doing is bizarre but, it seems, even at her age she has lessons to learn. It's pretty outlandish to follow this man on his trips out of town with his wife and grab a minute here and there. He probably thinks she's nuts but obviously he's getting something out of it...or he feels sorry for her...or both.

 

You have your own life to live. It seems like you've learned your own lessons. Just be sure you set yourself up so that when you get to be your mother's age you'll have somebody special in your life you can take to the finish line. I'm quite sure your mother is pathetically lonely or she wouldn't be acting this foolish.

 

Leave her alone and live right yourself!!!

[Sophie]

Well,

 

Let me preface by saying that I understand this dynamic very well....I have just pulled my Mother 6 months ago out of a similar situation and it took me...Ready for this over 10 years!!!!

 

I don't agree you should "stay out of her life" after all she is your mother and it affects you when she suffers, you suffer...My main advice is to calmly (as hard as that can be) continue to speak with her and give her options like web sites (support group on line) where she can begin to see others experiencing what she is and hopefully gain some obectivity ....Suggest that she go to counseling "with you" to help "you" deal with all of this ...(A ploy of course to oepn up communication with her in a safe environment ..)

 

maybe her feelings will surface that can start to be looked at..find a way to start the path to gaining the strength to leave and realize that she is being abused and being abusive to herself and her loved ones.....

 

Make sure not to become to "obsessed" with saving her as I did at certain points, until I got help myself and became more balanced (not easy believe me ) .......If you do that , you get sick over it..not that your not anyway, but you will ....

 

And lastly , forgive me for appearing "religious" if you are not, but pray and have hope and faith and take one day at a time....

 

You say she rides to work, maybe she can be tempted to work elsewhere..Post her resume on job sites to get recruitment calls? Sounds funny but I did i that and whne other solutions came up, at first my mother rejected everything...but over time, started taking lilttle "bites" at options 'OUT" ..And finally...hopefully "success' WHen this occurs though ...get ready for the anger and the healing period......Man . it's not easy..but I kept in mind that I would rather fight the fight of "healing" than the viscious circle of trying to help her heal everytime she got upset just to stay in it and start it all over again the next week..

 

Good Luck and God Bless

[flower]

Pinkroses: did the married man lead her on or let her know that he is not leaving his wife? what was his response this while,@maybe can talk to him about it and solve from there?

[Tony T]

I advised to leave this mom alone because I have an intuitive feeling that any interference will only strengthen her resolve to continue this foolishness. Left to her own devices and allowing the idiocy to continue, sooner or later she will hit a brick wall and sustain problems that will end all this without outside influence.

 

I don't think talking to her or talking to the man is going to do anything in this situation. However, the poster can decide if getting in the thick of things may help. I would hope she has already considered this approach since it's the most obvious solution...although not one I would choose.