Fiance's parent died - and I am horribly selfish

[sansa75]

I am a horrible horrible person.

 

My Fiance's dad died on Thursday and I am devastated for him, and slightly upset for myself as he was a lovely man that I was looking forwrad to having as a father-in-law. But I feel horrible and selfish and self-centered because I am also really hurt as I feel totally shut out by my fiance.

 

I haven't seen him at all since it happened. And it's not a "how dare he not find time to please me in his time of grieving" thing at all. I want him to be there for his family and support and comfort them etc, it's that that I expected that he'd want to come to me, his future wife for some kind of comfort and support himself.

 

And in the 4 days since his father passed away, it's not that he's spent all his time with his siblings and mum and making arrangements etc, he's spent most of the past 4 days with his friends.

 

When he called me on Thursday night to tell me, I was upset for him and obviously the conversation was really brief but I asked him if he wanted me to come over and he said no he was fine and he'd phone me the next day to let me know what was happening after he'd seen his mother etc.

 

I spent that night and the next day clearing my schedule and preparing to pack some things to stay with him and help him through this time. It was after midnight he called me on Friday. He'd got home from his parents house around 5, and had spent the evening with his friends. I was crying just talking to him - out of empathy really - but the more I cried the more angry i was with myself for not being strong for him and helping him. We had been planning to spend the Saturday together, on the phone he said he didn't know what he was doing (I didn't ask he offered this info). I totally understood and said whatever he needed to do was okay. He said he did want to see me.

 

Anyway he called Saturday lunchtime, now sounding more like himself which was a bit of a comfort to know he was doing a bit better. But he said some friends of his who have just come back from a year travelling were having a welcome back soiree at their house and we were both invited. I couldn't go becuase I have health problems which mean my outings have to be planned in advance and I have to be sparing of my energy. To make sure I am fully healthy and able to support my F at the funeral, I just couldn't go to a party on Saturday. He understood and I told him he should go himself, and he did. I had absolutely no right to demand any of his time and I did want him to go for his sake, to have a good evening with friends and take his mind off it etc. But at the same time I felt horrible and so hurt that he just had absolutely no NEED to see me. I, myself, lost a parent a few years ago and I immediatly wanted to see him and saw him a lot even though at that time we hadn't been together very long (My F talks about how that time brought us closer together). He did ask if I was sure and he didn't want to leave me hanging in the wind etc, but I said no. It was obvious he wanted to go and MAKING him guilty that he HAD to see me would have been a really nasty thing to do at this time.

 

And now it's Sunday evening and I haven't heard form him at all today - Sundays are usually his day with his guy friends anyway and I know he's doing his usual routine with them - this means he's seen his best friend every single day since it happened and he hasn't seen me once, not for one minute.

 

The funeral is on Wednesday and he said he wants me to be there (To be honest if he said he didn't, my heart would be completely broken) so we are planning for me to go and stay with him on Tuesday evening. But that means it will be 5 days since it happened and in that time he's felt no need to be with me and have him comfort him or support him.

 

I feel so hurt and horrible about this, and worse I feel horrible for feeling like this. I mean how dare I feel bad over the way someone is grieving! My friend says it's a guy thing, it's how they deal with stuff because with their friends they don't have to THINK about it or deal with it, but with their partner they do. I can see that being somewhat true.

 

Oh and I don't want it to seem like I sit there waiting for him to contact me, I do contact him often and have been texting him (he always texts back) but because most of the time he's been out we basically said for him to call me when he's free - as I don't want to bother him at delicate moments. I've said to him every time we've talked whatever he wants to do is okay, and I am here for him whatever he wants - if he wants to see me, if he doesn't. I just wish I could be as fine with that as I should be and let him deal with his grief the way that helps him best.

 

There is no way I would say ANY of this to him, because I would just feel so evil but I'm crying a lot of the time over it and every time he calls I burst into tears - which isn't fair to him at all! I just don't know how to deal with this. I feel like such an awful person for being this way.

[norajane]

I couldn't go becuase I have health problems which mean my outings have to be planned in advance and I have to be sparing of my energy. To make sure I am fully healthy and able to support my F at the funeral, I just couldn't go to a party on Saturday.

 

If you can't go to a party on Saturday so you have enough energy for a funeral on Wednesday, then my bet is your fiance was taking your health into consideration. He was probably being thoughtful not to disrupt your need for scheduled outings, especially since he had his friends to take his mind off his loss.

 

And yes, each person deals with loss differently. His way may not be your way - he may not need someone around to try to comfort/support. He may just need to get drunk with his buddies...

 

And really, stop crying about this! I'm sure it's not helping your health any, and it's not helping him any to have to comfort you right now.

[Tony T]

Deaths are always awkward. It sounds like your fiance doesn't really know how to handle the matter, doesn't know quite how you should fit in, doesn't know quite how to conduct himself in any regard. This happens a lot. Settle down and just accept whatever happens as being just fine. You obviously know the drill because you've been through this sort of thing before and are more sensitive. He hasn't been there.

 

After a few weeks pass, if you don't feel like you are the most important person in his life and if he isn't treating you thus so then have a serious talk with him. But don't judge the current situation. It truly is very, very difficult for many people to figure just how to act and what to say.

 

I really hate these situations myself.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

For the sake of adding some levity to the situation, here's the thing: the person who would've been offended, if at all, is already deceased.

 

It's always difficult to deal with the death of someone close. Your fiance is dealing with it in the way that he knows. Sometimes the grief is too much and too personal to share easily. That could've been the case with your fiance.

 

It's normal for you to feel sad, because you've known the person. But don't beat up yourself for anything.

 

Let your fiance and his family know that you're there for them, if need be. That's all that you can do, at this point.

[rumours83]

My fiance lost his mother in June, after a battle with terminal cancer. Even then, knowing that we would lose her, it still came as a massive shock and can take a while for it to all "settle in", I think this is what your fiance is probably going through now. Remember, when he finally wants to talk about it (assuming he's in touch with his feelings to some degree) is when his buddies may not be able to help so much, and that's when you need to be there to listen. You also need to be there to hold his hand and support him at the funeral. There are some good websites out there about helping a partner through a period a grief, maybe you could read up on them so you know what to expect, and the best ways that you can help him.

[tanbark813]

My friend says it's a guy thing, it's how they deal with stuff because with their friends they don't have to THINK about it or deal with it, but with their partner they do. I can see that being somewhat true.

 

I agree. Your fiance may not want to lean on you for support. He may want to be the strong one.

[dropdeadlegs]

Sometimes the real grief doesn't sink in until after the funeral. Save your energy in case he really needs you at that time. In the immediate days following death we are surrounded by people looking to give us solace and share our pain. After the funeral people generally go back to their everyday lives and he might open up to you more. Right now he has hordes of people, but you will be there to comfort him for many days and weeks to come.

 

Mourning is personal so don't feel bad because his way is different than yours, both are the right way for the individual involved.

 

It's Tuesday now, so you will see him today and tomorrow. I hope that gets you feeling better and I'm sorry for your loss.

 

Feelings are feelings, we can't help what we feel. I'm glad you posted here since you didn't feel it was appropriate to talk to him, but please don't be too hard on yourself. I'm sorry you are feeling disappointment, but try not to take it personally. It's an emotional time for all involved and when riding emotions we all do things a bit differently than is expected of us.

 

You are not a horrible, horrible person. A horrible person would be demanding attention, not just wishing to be his rock.

[woodsfield]

this all seems a bit strange....why are they waiting so long for the service? were his friends close to his father? are he and his friends really close?

 

but as others say, deaths are difficult and very awkward. he may not want to bring you down with him? my wife just had her grandmother die suddenly and i felt very awkward, helpless and a bit distant being there. her fam has always treated me like part of their fam and they did then, but it was wierd cause they've known her their entire lives and i knew her for the last 9 years of mine.

 

let him do his thing, but also let him know you are there to support him.

[stillafool]

People grieve the lost of their loved ones in different ways. Maybe your crying was making your F feel even more sad and he wants to be in an upbeat environment right now. Some men, especially, don't like to dwell in too much sadness too long.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

You are not a horrible person. You seem to be dealing with this maturely and respectfully. I know it hurts you that his friends are the ones helping him through this and not you, but like others have said, you have to let him grieve in his own way.

 

Keep on being there for him if he needs you.

[sansa75]

I know it's way past now but I wanted to update on this!

 

Basically just writing this post helped me and I was pretty much fine afterwards. I think I just had these thoughts rolling round and round my head and was beating myself up for feeling them and just building it all up. By posting here I got it out, realised it was mostly stupid - but hey, I felt it - and was totally fine.

 

He called me the Sunday night and I managed to NOT cry - nor did I again. He was very expressive about how much he wanted me to be there at the funeral etc. When I saw him on the Tuesday he said he had missed me, and I mentioned I felt bad that I hadn't been able to see him (Just said it like that so it was me to blame, didn't blame him) and he said it was fine, having me on the phone and knowing I was there for him was enough. So i realised I was doing enough for him. Especially as he kept thanking me for being so lovely.

 

I felt very close to him and totally connected and there for him at the funeral - we were seated seperately becuase the immediate family were in oen row and all the wives/husbands were in another, and as I walked past him he grabbed my hand in a very emotional way. And I knew that my being there was helping him, and that was all that mattered.

 

I think basically he was just trying to get through those first few days and was doing the old thing of hanging out with his friends as a distraction/fun thing and if he had been with me he knew it would be emotional.

 

The funeral was actually the first time I had met the rest of his family (beyond his parents and sister) and it was actually a very lovely time (despite the reason for being there) - everyone was really warm and my Fiance was tellign me how proud he was to have me with him. (And afterwards that all his family were telling him how great i was and he was agreeing).

 

 

I do feel rather stupid for posting this now looking back, but as i said I think i just needed to get those feelings out and then i was totally fine and focussed on helping my fiance and his family through a tough time.