Attachment Patterns & Our Relationships

[Phoebe]

My previous thread about people having issues got me thinking about Bowlby's Attachment Theory. I listed the patterns and percentages of people who supposedly have these attachment styles below.

 

I used to believe that I'm a clinger, but the wobbler statement seems to sum me up more now (hence the issues). It's got me thinking about what life would be like if I had a secure attachment pattern (50% of people can do it, why can't I?). Is it possible that all of our issues stem from our attachment patterns?

 

 

Pattern 1 - Avoidant (2/10)

"I am confortable without close emotional relationships. It is very important to me to feel independant and self-sufficient and I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me."

 

Pattern 2 - Clinger (1/10)

"I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I somtimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them."

 

Pattern 3 - Wobbler (2\10)

"I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely or to depend on them. I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others."

 

Pattern 4 - Secure (5/10)

"It is relatively easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me. I don't worry about being alone or having others not accept me."

[Tony T]

I think the key is how you deal with the consequences of a failed relationship. First you have to decide exactly what you really want...then go for it. If it is maintained, wonderful. If it fails, it's OK for it to do so...you were not meant for each other...feel the pain that goes with any break up...and resume your life without having things affect you negatively.

 

Life is not so easy. Instead of carrying all kinds of crap baggage around, we should strive to simply deal with the stuff and move on. Unless they are masochists, nobody wants to be hurt. I don't want to be out a dollar but I buy a lottery ticket anyway. There's one chance in 21,000,000 that I'll win. The chances are supremely better that I will find the right lady for myself...whether it's this time or next or the time after that.

 

I would hope that you would look over your relationship types you set forth above, see which one you want the most and live it. Be willing to take the punches if they come. If you think this love stuff is easy...then maybe you need to just get yourself an nice dog.

[Touche]

I don't know maybe I'm not that smart. As far as I'm concerned it's a matter of luck (like winning the lottery) mixed with a little common sense.

 

I don't believe in that whole "attachment pattern" nonsense. It's a matter of finding the right person (luck) and a matter of knowing whether you're really compatible or not (smarts.)

[Trialbyfire]

I've yet to meet one single person of either gender, that doesn't have baggage of some form, by the time they hit their thirties. I don't personally see all forms of baggage as negative traits. Baggage creates caution, which, if you think of the average teenager, wet behind the ears is no way to go through life.

 

With this baggage in hand or drag, people will find others that meet their requirements. Some people need or expect more, others, not as much.

[uniqueone]

My previous thread about people having issues got me thinking about Bowlby's Attachment Theory. I listed the patterns and percentages of people who supposedly have these attachment styles below.

 

I used to believe that I'm a clinger, but the wobbler statement seems to sum me up more now (hence the issues). It's got me thinking about what life would be like if I had a secure attachment pattern (50% of people can do it, why can't I?). Is it possible that all of our issues stem from our attachment patterns?

 

 

Pattern 1 - Avoidant (2/10)

"I am confortable without close emotional relationships. It is very important to me to feel independant and self-sufficient and I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me."

 

Pattern 2 - Clinger (1/10)

"I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I somtimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them."

 

Pattern 3 - Wobbler (2\10)

"I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely or to depend on them. I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others."

 

Pattern 4 - Secure (5/10)

"It is relatively easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me. I don't worry about being alone or having others not accept me."

 

I can identify with the clinger and the wobbler both.

 

You ask why you can't be in the "secure" group. Well you can but it won't come easily. There are a lot of variables involved such as your upbringing, your emotional temperment, previous relationships.......etc...

 

For instance, someone who grew up with a father who was warm and loving, they're more likely to end up in the "secure" group than someone who had a father who was cold and distant.

 

So it's not that you can't be in the secure group. It's that you have to work hard at it since it probably isn't going to come naturally.

[birdie]

I grew up in a broken family with a distant father and at one point had definitely issues about getting close to someone, fear of abandonment, etc. so sometimes I'd date men that were similar.

 

now that I'm older I'm much more conscious of this because ultimately it is not a satisfying way to be.

 

my point is that there are ways to deal with your baggage and if you are self-aware, you have a good chance of sorting it out.