She said she needs some time and space

[blake20]

Two weeks ago I go down to my girlfriends house and she says we have to talk. I was a little upset with her that evening before that because she told me she was going to be home early but didn't get home until nine o'clock and I was sitting around waiting for her. She told me she thinks we shouldn't spend as much time together and that she needs some time and space. She said that she doesn't think she appreciates me as much as she should, and vice versa.

 

She just starting teaching this year, special education in a terrible high school, where the students aren't too good. She gets up every morning at six, leaves around seven and doesn't return until around 5:30 that night. That is a long day and I think it is really stressing her out, and others have told me the same. I am a senior in college getting ready to graduate soon.

 

Any way back to the story. I called her the next day and she came over and was really upset and crying. She said she just needs some time and space. I said something about if we ever get back together and she said not if, when we get back together. She told me she really loves me and that we'll talk at the end of the week. That week I wrote her a letter and sent flowers along with them. She didn't even call to thank me. I called her then two days later, and she said she was got upset about the flowers. We talked on the phone for a while, and she was telling me that she had a good week because she was able to come home and relax when she got home from work and not having to rush around to see me. She assured me she still loves me and that she just needs some space and also said I didn't do anything wrong. Now that was over a week ago and she didn't call or anything, but I had texted her a message during the week. We had be together for 10 months and everything was going great. I don't know what went wrong, the only thing I can figure out is that she is really stressed out and I believe her because she never lied to me before.

 

I don't know what to do now, if I should call her (she said I can call her anytime). I did speak with her on the phone yesterday and we talked for about 40 minutes about our lives but nothing to do with the relationship. At the end of the conversation she said 'oh, it was nice talking to you'. That's the first time in months when we didn't say we love each other. I don't know if she is testing me to see if I'll chase her or if I should just leave it be, I made the last contact and now the ball is in her court.

[Tony T]

The lady clearly needs some space. I usually don't go for this time and space excuse but here it seems valid.

 

By sending her flowers, you put pressure on her that she doesn't need. For Pete's sake, back off and stop contacting her more frequently than once a week. Leave the ball in her court. If she wants to talk to you more often than that, fine. Let HER call YOU. And don't get so upset if she's not lovey dovey. She is under tremendous stress and when you're stressed out, romance is the farthest thing from your mind.

 

Summer vacation will start soon. If the relationship doesn't improve when some of her obligations cease, then have a nice long talk with her and see what gives. If she's going to be stressed out all the time, there's no good reason to continue the relationship.

 

But meanwhile, just back off bigtime and go find some nice things to do with your friends...or watch cable TV, there's some good stuff lately on Court TV. Let her do the calling. When you call her once a week, keep the conversations down to five or ten minutes, NO MORE THAN THAT. She has made it VERY clear to you she needs some space. Respect her request and give it to her.

[dave_1966]

I don't agree with every piece of advise that Tony dishes out, but most of it is pretty good. You know what? I don't understand how how this girl wants to back off from you when she's stressed. Call me old fashioned, but I would have assumed that at times like this she may have actually NEEDED the support of her boyfriend. I mean if you were under stress (which you probably are as a final year student) would your response be to tell your girlfriend to give you space? Probably not, in fact at times like this you need to be there for each other. It's a test of the strengh of the relationship, you have to take the rough with the smooth.

 

I agree with Tony when he says back off big-time, but I would go further than that. You don't know what she's up to, and she may be up to absolutely anything. I would not call her AT ALL, and let her do any apologising if there's anything to be apologised for. Be strong, go out and live it up with our friends and enjoy yourself. When she see's this she'll probably come running back to you, if she doesn't.....well there's lot's more girls out there and you're still young.

 

Good luck.....

 

Read my piece on

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t20315/

[Ladybug313]

I think it depends on people.

Some people when stressed need the support from their loved ones, but there are others who put themselves at the most distance from their loved ones because they don't want to burden them or just need time away from them to sort out their feelings and chill.

Personally, when I get stressed I want space from my closest friends or S.O for some time,and they understand. I don't want to have to unleash everything onto them, as I do with people the closer I am to them and the more I care for them.

But of course once I start feeling better I am back to being with them and then open up with my feelings once I can handle it.

So my take is on it is take her word for it and give it time but if this goes on forever and she's always like this, well, then the relationship isn't working and she's just giving excuses ( or it's a eternal stress thing)

[Bärchen]

Although it is hard for you at the moment, believe me, it is harder for her. She has just started a new phase of her life (Working) this is a HUGE step in anyones life and it is completely different from 'working' in uni/college. She is obviously stressed from her new job, this too is completely normal. What she needs at the moment is your understanding and friendship (which by all accounts she has), just remember she is concentrating on making a good impression at her new job and worrying about the work load, students, blah, blah. She is also worrying that she is not spending enough time with you and she clearly doesn't know what to do at the moment. What you shouldn't do is make her feel guilty about not contacting you regularly. At the moment her life is full of new responsibilities and she is havng a hard time trying to find a routine for her daily life. The ONLY thing "she" can do at the moment to make her life easier and stress free is reduce her time with you. As she said this doesn't mean she doesn't love you or want to see you, she just has too much on her plate and needs some time for herself. This may sound a little bit selfish but the choices she has in her life at the moment are very limited and if you persist in demanding her free time she will/might think that the only thing to do is break up with you. I would contact her once or twice a week, preferably leaving her a message on her answering machine asking her to contact you "when she has time". This will show her that you are thinking about her and she will not feel pressured by you wanting constant attention. I realise that this will be hard for you, to step back from the woman you love but trust me, hounding her everyday for attention will only make her resent you. Just chill out a bit, catch up with some other friends, start reading a book. She won't forget about you and she will probably miss you very quickly that she will REALLY want to see you more often.

 

Hope that helps.

 

Cheers

[blake20]

First of all, I would like to thank all of the people that replied to my post, I found it very helpful. The last time I talked to her was a week ago, for about 40 minutes on the phone and at the end of the conversation she said "It was really nice talking to you." We just talked about our lives ( her career, and my schoolwork) and I was sure not going to bring up the relationship thing with her, I figured she would bring it up if she wanted to.

 

I really wish I knew what to do here, it's only been three weeks that we are taking this break. Not once since then did she even try to contact me. She told me that I could call her anytime, but I don't want to annoy her or anything like that. I did see her the other day though. When I was at the carwash, her and a friend of her's drove by and beeped. I do want to give her space and some time, but when is it too much. I don't want to get taken advantage of. I guess maybe I should just see if calls within a couple of weeks and if she doesn't, go see her and see what's up.

 

As far as what she says, that she needs some time and space and stuff, I was told that once before and really got burnt on it. I just keep thinking about what she said the night before she left my house. I told her "Yah, if we ever get back together, and she said, "It's not if, it's when we get back together." I really wish I could figure this out. Things were so great and then all of a sudden she says she feels 'boxed in' and that she needs some space.

 

One thing I can say about this woman is that she never lied to me and has always been truthful (too truthful).

 

It is so hard giving someone time and space, especially when you are the one making all of the moves.

 

I guess my question is, what do I do now????

[superaccord]

man, i hear ya. i am going through the same thing right now and i really dont know what to tell you. im lost as well as you are. but all i can do is wish you luck as i would hope you do the same for me. but time heals all wounds. It gets worse before it gets better, but it always gets better.

[Spacer]

Originally posted by blake20

 

It is so hard giving someone time and space, especially when you are the one making all of the moves.

 

I guess my question is, what do I do now????

 

Ok, I might be way off here, just giving my possible spin here but anyway:

 

I just broke off with my b/f of 7 yrs - and it was hard, as he was pretty much perfect - everybody had always been thinking we were the perfect couple, and in many ways we were - only that I had come to realize that I didn't love him anymore and wanted out of the relationship.

 

Now, this realisation didn't come from one day to the next, but took months to surface and weeks to realise - so when I told him about a month ago, that I was thinking about breaking up, but wanted to discuss with him if there was still a chance for us, he completely pulled back.

 

Didn't feel like talking to me on the phone (we're living 300 miles apart or so), refused to come up to talk (made alternative arrangements etc), so the face-to-face talk was pretty much delayed for a month.

 

Now, from my persepective, this actually changed my view from "thinking" about a break-up and wanting to discuss relationship to deciding this would be the right thing ... - and the fact, that my bf in all these weeks made not the slightest effort to show me that he loved me and wanted us to continue has played a part in it. I mean, if he did care or wanted to save it, he should have at least tried one thing or the other to show that. He didn't and I broke it off now, to his total lack of understanding ... - mind you, he is a great and nice guy, so there is no deliberate neglect or so with him, but nevertheless this reflectes exactly why I was thinking to leave .....

 

My point: by not making any effort, you might be doing the "wrong" thing, if this is not only a time to think for her but also for her a test of your attitude towards her - jsut a hypothesis ....

 

good luck

[yagottahelp]

That was an interesting point you just brought up.......I'm kind of in the same situation right now, my gf and I after 2 1/2 years broke up- it was a combination of my stupidity, and hers. So call it mutual, but after a month without her- i have realllly figured out a lot- i mean i can't change in a month, but stuff seems a lot clearer. But here's the thing-it's not a typical breakup where she doesn't want to talk etc.......she still wants to hangout a bunch, chat's to me, calls me, still has all of my pics up, sleeps with the stuffed animal i gave her in the very beginning, making mne think she needs space.......(she is moving this summer from her only home, so i think that's a hugggge thing in her life)

 

Yet she wants to see me, wants to hangout, jokes around, always gives me hugs, so I've been trying to find the balance of giving her space, not bringing up any kidn of us, but still being a sweet friend.......

 

I think there's a balance between totally giving someone space and letting them come to you-and totally smothering them

 

I dont want my ex to think i don't love her anymore-so i'm showing her that i want to be (although it hurts) as best of a friend as i can for her during her tough move and that i'm not about to just run away because we were having a tough time.

 

Because in the end, whether it be a month down the road or a year or 2 years, i'll be the one that was there for her, and loved her, and made her smile-and as much as it hurts to not be quite what i want-somehow (don't ask me how!) i totally want to do it

 

What kind of love would it be if I just ran and didn't care? i don't think that's love at all

[NEONINK]

yagottahelp is amazing. The sentiment of "and as much as it hurts to not be quite what i want" is exactly true.

 

I was considering asking a similar post to blake20, but when all of you have written such great replies, I don't need to repeat the question.

 

The hardest part is, you've been in a pattern that you like, but the other person up and changes the pattern because they need to. When you are dating, the end could come anytime, so it feels good when you know it's for the long haul. And I could wait on anyone if I knew it were for the long haul. But when you don't know the outcome, it is so hard to wait.

 

People do have good reasons to pause a relationship, contemplate it or redefine their own lives. I just don't understand why the relationship has to suffer? Unless it is about the relationship. I guess I fear that this is a long-term outcome. I would much rather resume the 'movie' or even stop it, than to sit in pause mode. I hate pause.

 

I wonder how many of you have been in pause relationships, then it resumed naturally and pleasingly?

[ecoate]

I just had a break up with my g/f of 1.6 years. I was not expecting it to happen and suddenly I got the ax. Her reason for doing it was that she got a little bored and didn't know if she loved me the way she did before.

Just today she came up to me ask me about my weekend, how work was and I was doing. I don't know how to interput this. Should I wait for her. It has been a full week since the break. Then suddenly today she came up and made small talk. What should I do???

Should I wait for her and stick with there. I feel the same about as I have the whole time. Do I just need to give things time or move on to new people? When we broke she told me it was good. I just need some advicefrom someone that has been through this. thanks

[yagottahelp]

not that i've been through your exact situation, but i do have a few ideas. After that long I think you form a bond with someone, it's not like you nor they can just say it's over and TOTALLY forget about it- i'm not saying she wants to dive back in because she just talked to you.

 

Whatever you do, at this stage of the game, unless it's strikingly obvious- do not talk about getting back together. That's the worst thing you can do-it will lead to frustration and fights.

 

I think what you need to do is give her space-let her come to you. I know that that is so hard, but you know what- it took about 3 days for my ex of me not talking to her- she calls me everyday now and wants to hangout, etc.......so i mean that's progress!

 

Let her know you care-if you want back together, i wouldn't suggest going and dating someone right now- i mean it's a good idea in theory, but it's not gonna make things any easier. If anything, think about what you want.......do you really want to be with her? what could have caused her to leave??????? you might pick up on some flags along the way, give it a few weeks.......see if she ends up with some else- dont' be afraid to just call and see how she's doing maybe every 3 or 4 days, keep it short-to the point, basically small talk- just the point that you called shows that you care

 

I think unfoprtunately, i hated to hear it too, time heals- let her have some space-live your life the best you can without her- let her know you're not angry or mad, just very hurt- see what happens

[julieg]

when i broke up with my first bf of 4 years many years ago, he immediately got into an exclusive relationship. i on the other hand stayed "single" and dated around for a long time- nothing serious and i learned so so much about men and relationships. i took his actions as "proof" i did the correct thing. how seriously in love could he have been at the time to jump into another serious relationship so fast. when i broke up with him it came after many months of thought. i did not make my decision easily. i truly loved him and tried to not hurt him as best i could. you should date around and experience lots of women. sometimes we have to hurt to grow. its only years later do we realize how much we have learned about ourselves.

[jessicakicksbut]

Honesty, I don't buy the "time and space" thing...if she needs so much "time and space" during the week due to stress, then why is she hanging out with her friends. Maybe she just wants to have the single life again, hang out with friends, and.or feels trapped by the relationship, and she is using the "time and space" excuse to let you down easy.

[julieg]

i agree with jessica----she is young, wants to have fun and see what other guys are like. she may love you but the timing of your relationship is all wrong if you are looking to settle down with this gal.