How Do You Get Over Having an Absent Family?

[uniqueone]

I mean a family that just doesn't care. It's hard not having any real support system in my life, but it's been especially hard not having any family be there for me. You figure they're the ones who are supposed to be there for you no matter what.

 

I've gone through a lot of upsetting things in my life....two just this year. At one point, I was starting to feel like life wasn't worth living. I tried expressing things to my sister in an email and how I'd been feeling really low. Her answer was that I should try volunteering somewhere. I told her how I'd really needed someone to talk to and how I wished I had family I could talk to (and that I didn't have anyone else I could turn to). She said she has problems too and you just have to handle them yourself. (although she has a spouse to handle things with her)

I told her that mine could be life or death. She wrote back: "I hope you choose life. I'll say a prayer for you."

 

Do you know how it made me feel when I read that? It makes me wonder what I did to deserve this. I see other people who have families that care about them and I wonder why I don't.

 

My family looks normal on the outside...well educated...good jobs....long marriages.....but somethings not right.

 

Or do I expect too much from them?

[shadowplay]

I told her that mine could be life or death. She wrote back: "I hope you choose life. I'll say a prayer for you."

 

Wow, that's really terrible. What was your relationship like with her growing up? Who's older? I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you to read that. Just remember, it's really her problem, not yours. Nobody deserves that kind of treatment. She clearly has some major emotional problems unrelated to you. If your family is emotionally cold in general, that probably rubbed off on her growing up.

 

In some ways I feel like my family is also absent. My father is completely out of it and has never cared much about my life. My mother I'm closer to, but still I feel a lack of support. I have no relationship whatsoever with my brother or with anybody in my extended family. So I sort of know how you feel. It's really hard when you're all alone and it makes you crave a relationship with a man even more. I have a new bf, but he never talks about anything emotional so I don't feel comfortable sharing my problems or feelings with him. I have no real friends at this point. I feel very isolated and sometimes that makes life seem completely pointless.

 

Reading something like this makes me wish I could reach out and be your friend. Too bad that's not so possible over the internet. For what it's worth, I know I'm a stranger but I genuinely do feel for you reading this post. If you ever feel like talking, send me a pm.

 

I noticed you've started a lot of threads on LS lately. It seems that you're really striving to reach out and make a connection with other people. I hope you find that eventually.

[underpants]

Would you like to borrow some of my family?

 

That sucks.

 

You know I am close with my family although we are wacky.

 

There was a time though that I tried to get some support from my sister and was just very down and upset about some things. She told me "No one wants to hear your sad stories." That really hurt at the time but I got over it. I think/hope she was just trying to give me some tough love. Now she calls me often with her sad stories, and I listen. We are just different in that respect. Good thing I have another sister that lets me vent. Then we just gossip about the other one. We all rotate through this craziness called family.

 

Sometimes that makes all the difference just having someone listen.

 

I am glad you found a comfort zone here. There is alot of support to be found.

[Curmudgeon]

My famiy was never close and all my extended family was on the opposite coast from me so I learned self-sufficiency and over time, created my own family. I have five children, four grandchildren and another on the way. We're close but not clingy. My children and grands know my wife and I are here for them and they all stay in touch (spread out through three states and 3,000 miles), as do I.

 

We have enough contact to be comfortable but not so much as to be smothering. It works.

 

I think how you get over it is to accept what is and make your own life without. Stay in touch but expect little or nothing and you won't be disappointed. There's a lot to be said for complete independence and it doesn't mean having to be lonely.

[Woggle]

Just make the best of it. My family is beyond ***ked up and in order to have some sanity I needed to cut most of them out of my life. I made some friends that made a very good substitute family and that might be good idea for you. Get yourself involved in some activities where you can meet people.

[uniqueone]

Wow, that's really terrible. What was your relationship like with her growing up? Who's older? I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you to read that. Just remember, it's really her problem, not yours. Nobody deserves that kind of treatment. She clearly has some major emotional problems unrelated to you. If your family is emotionally cold in general, that probably rubbed off on her growing up.

 

In some ways I feel like my family is also absent. My father is completely out of it and has never cared much about my life. My mother I'm closer to, but still I feel a lack of support. I have no relationship whatsoever with my brother or with anybody in my extended family. So I sort of know how you feel. It's really hard when you're all alone and it makes you crave a relationship with a man even more. I have a new bf, but he never talks about anything emotional so I don't feel comfortable sharing my problems or feelings with him. I have no real friends at this point. I feel very isolated and sometimes that makes life seem completely pointless.

 

Reading something like this makes me wish I could reach out and be your friend. Too bad that's not so possible over the internet. For what it's worth, I know I'm a stranger but I genuinely do feel for you reading this post. If you ever feel like talking, send me a pm.

 

I noticed you've started a lot of threads on LS lately. It seems that you're really striving to reach out and make a connection with other people. I hope you find that eventually.

 

 

Thanks shadowplay. This was a really nice post to read today. Thanks for your offer to PM you. Never know...I just might.

 

My sister is older. I have other siblings too and I don't even try to talk to them anymore because they just don't care. If I bring this stuff up to my mom, she tells me that they have their own problems and that everyone takes care of themselves and that's what I should do too. She almost defends them really. I think it's because she doesn't want to admit that there's any problems ...or at least she can just point to me as the problem which is easier for her to do because she's used to doing that.

 

Yeah maybe it makes having a relationship more important than it should be. On the other hand, I sometimes don't know if I even want one. I've been hurt pretty badly in relationships. Those stories would make you just as sad as this one probably.

[uniqueone]

Would you like to borrow some of my family?

 

That sucks.

 

You know I am close with my family although we are wacky.

 

There was a time though that I tried to get some support from my sister and was just very down and upset about some things. She told me "No one wants to hear your sad stories." That really hurt at the time but I got over it. I think/hope she was just trying to give me some tough love. Now she calls me often with her sad stories, and I listen. We are just different in that respect. Good thing I have another sister that lets me vent. Then we just gossip about the other one. We all rotate through this craziness called family.

 

Sometimes that makes all the difference just having someone listen.

 

I am glad you found a comfort zone here. There is alot of support to be found.

 

You're lucky you have sisters you can go to or who come to you. You know I think I try to block this all out most of the time because when I start typing stuff on this topic, I suddenly start to get teary. I'm at work so better not do that.

[uniqueone]

My famiy was never close and all my extended family was on the opposite coast from me so I learned self-sufficiency and over time, created my own family. I have five children, four grandchildren and another on the way. We're close but not clingy. My children and grands know my wife and I are here for them and they all stay in touch (spread out through three states and 3,000 miles), as do I.

 

We have enough contact to be comfortable but not so much as to be smothering. It works.

 

I think how you get over it is to accept what is and make your own life without. Stay in touch but expect little or nothing and you won't be disappointed. There's a lot to be said for complete independence and it doesn't mean having to be lonely.

 

 

But that's the difference...you had your OWN family...kids...a wife...grandkids..... That's a family. Just because you're not close to your family of origin, you still have a family.

 

It also matters if you've had a strong emotional liability...how sensitive you are to things....and that is partly inborn. That factors into career success which leads to financial stability, and so on.....

[Kasan]

I have always had much older "mentor" friends which somewhat made up for the lack of parenting that I received from my parents. I would go to these friends for any problems that I was having. In fact, I had an arrangement with one of them, that if something happened to my husband and I, would they take the kids...they said yes. And like Curmudgeon I have my own family and we are very close.

 

 

It's not what I chose, it is what it is...and it does hurt, you just learn to live with it.

[Trialbyfire]

It's your choice to be overly sensitive or not. Keep in mind that family is everything and while they may not agree with you and pander to you, they can still provide you with common sense support.

 

Victim mentality does no one any good. If you're consistently aggressive with people, it's another form of victim mentality.

[Lei]

i guess, your family just lack some times with you..they're either busy with your income generator...or just they wanted you to be independent... i guess, you neither have a bestfriend nor a close friend enough to talk with.... or if you have,,you either don't like to share it 'coz of too personal or afraid to be rejected...

 

either of these reason...better talk to your family what you feel...

 

=D

[uniqueone]

I have always had much older "mentor" friends which somewhat made up for the lack of parenting that I received from my parents. I would go to these friends for any problems that I was having. In fact, I had an arrangement with one of them, that if something happened to my husband and I, would they take the kids...they said yes. And like Curmudgeon I have my own family and we are very close.

 

 

It's not what I chose, it is what it is...and it does hurt, you just learn to live with it.

 

 

But that's the point...you have or had mentor friends which made up for it and you had your own family. I guess I don't understand why you don't see the difference between that situation and mine.

[uniqueone]

It's your choice to be overly sensitive or not. Keep in mind that family is everything and while they may not agree with you and pander to you, they can still provide you with common sense support.

 

Victim mentality does no one any good. If you're consistently aggressive with people, it's another form of victim mentality.

 

Telling me family is everything when mine doesn't give a *****makes me feel even worse. Why would you do such a thing on here?

 

Then telling me it's my choice to be overly sensitive or not. You don't know what's my choice and what's not.

 

Then to add to that, you're saying that I'm playing a victim and acting aggressive.

 

There are many comments I could make here, but I'm going to refrain...it's not worth the trouble. Please just leave me alone TBF.

[Kasan]

But that's the point...you have or had mentor friends which made up for it and you had your own family. I guess I don't understand why you don't see the difference between that situation and mine.

 

that I might have made you feel worse.

 

I reached out to cultivate friendships because I didn't have family that I could turn to. I left home when I was 18. If I didn't form these relationships with these friends, I would have lost my mind. These people got me through some really difficult times in life and helped me learn how to be a good parent.

 

I do understand that your family doesn't care or get it. My family is only interested in themselves and their problems.

 

I am really proud that I broke that pattern with my own family. It wasn't easy, and there was a lot of letting go.

 

I wish you the best.

[Trialbyfire]

Telling me family is everything when mine doesn't give a *****makes me feel even worse. Why would you do such a thing on here?

You honestly don't understand where I'm coming from, do you? There are plenty of dysfunctional families out there. Family are not obligated to provide you with all your needs but are your needs too demanding for what they are able to give? Do you need 100% loyalty and support from them? If so, it's not going to happen. I adore my family but they don't always agree with me, which is fine. It's worthwhile to get figuratively smacked upside the head sometimes. They are entitled to their opinion and many times, their opinions are accurate and many times, they're not but they can't understand the nuances that are going on in your life unless you communicate it to them. By the same token, you cannot understand the nuances in their lives.

 

I hope you provided them with 100% loyalty and support, in order to expect if of them.

 

Then telling me it's my choice to be overly sensitive or not. You don't know what's my choice and what's not.

Being anything in life, is your choice. You are the only person who can change yourself or not.

 

Then to add to that, you're saying that I'm playing a victim and acting aggressive.

You appear to take the perspective that it's always outside influences that make your life dysfunctional. Correct me if I'm wrong.

 

There are many comments I could make here, but I'm going to refrain...it's not worth the trouble. Please just leave me alone TBF.

You are welcome to say anything you want. If you're concerned about being infracted, PM me. I have no issues with direct communication.

 

From what you've posted, you appear to be an attractive, relatively smart woman who could be using her talents in a way that creates healthy friendships and relationships. You are the commonality within those relationships. Taking charge of your life and not taking offense in everything people post that's non-sympathetic, would be a great place to start.

[uniqueone]

Being anything in life, is your choice. You are the only person who can change yourself or not.

 

SIGH You don't know whereof you speak, TBF.

 

You appear to take the perspective that it's always outside influences that make your life dysfunctional. Correct me if I'm wrong.

 

ok, you're wrong.

 

You are welcome to say anything you want. If you're concerned about being infracted, PM me. I have no issues with direct communication.

 

I'm not worried about being infracted. It's just not worth it to me.

 

From what you've posted, you appear to be an attractive, relatively smart woman who could be using her talents in a way that creates healthy friendships and relationships. You are the commonality within those relationships. Taking charge of your life and not taking offense in everything people post that's non-sympathetic, would be a great place to start.

 

Everyone's postings have been great with the exception of yours.

 

Btw, I have pm'd someone here more of the details of my life and maybe she'll chime in and give a slap upside the head. Just kidding!!!!!

[uniqueone]

that I might have made you feel worse.

 

I reached out to cultivate friendships because I didn't have family that I could turn to. I left home when I was 18. If I didn't form these relationships with these friends, I would have lost my mind. These people got me through some really difficult times in life and helped me learn how to be a good parent.

 

I do understand that your family doesn't care or get it. My family is only interested in themselves and their problems.

 

I am really proud that I broke that pattern with my own family. It wasn't easy, and there was a lot of letting go.

 

I wish you the best.

 

I've found the friendships in my life to be fair-weather ones, so I've learned not to tell them any problems because then they disappear.

[Kasan]

I've found the friendships in my life to be fair-weather ones, so I've learned not to tell them any problems because then they disappear.

 

Well it is good that you found LS. The posters seem to be very supportive. If I can help in any way feel free to pm me too.

[Curmudgeon]

Yeah. There's a difference. But even if I didn't have my own family I would have been fine. I'm actually quite a loner, very comfortable alone, my own friend and I can enjoy my own company.

 

There was a time, after I divorced my childrens' mother, that I had no one because the ex alienated all the children from me for years, 10 of them in some cases. I suvived and actually enjoyed the peace, quiet and solitude.

 

I guess it mostly depends on what you want, and why.

[uniqueone]

Yeah. There's a difference. But even if I didn't have my own family I would have been fine. I'm actually quite a loner, very comfortable alone, my own friend and I can enjoy my own company.

 

There was a time, after I divorced my childrens' mother, that I had no one because the ex alienated all the children from me for years, 10 of them in some cases. I suvived and actually enjoyed the peace, quiet and solitude.

 

I guess it mostly depends on what you want, and why.

 

I pm'd you my reply.

[uniqueone]

Well it is good that you found LS. The posters seem to be very supportive. If I can help in any way feel free to pm me too.

 

 

Thanks. I don't think i should have posted this thread though. It just opens a person up for people to make judgements and stuff like that. And I've found a few people who make assumptions based on what they think is the real situation. I had someone pm me and gave me a scenario of how she used to be and said that I am being the same way. She wanted to know how many times I'd contacted my sister before that. Her assumption was that I was contacting my sister constantly and that my sister was finally tired of it.

 

The truth is though that I NEVER contacted my sister to talk to her about how I was feeling. I always kept it light and funny, because I knew better....I knew no one really cared....not in a true sense.

 

But that day, I needed someone and foolishly thought she'd be there for me.

 

But back to my point. There is a poster here who assumed that I'd been bothering my sister all along. People assume and they don't really know.

 

They also don't know what kind of crosses people bear. And that's not being a victim...it's being realistic.

[sb129]

You asked for my opinion in a PM, and I gave it. There was nothing that was designed to be assumptive or offensive.

 

I didn't actually assume anything about you, I just gave you an example of my own life that I thought you maybe could learn from.

Whats the point of PMing if you are going to post the PMs in the thread anyway?

 

I know that you weren't bugging your sister all along.

 

But if you actually read my PM, there is some advice in there that you might find helpful. You get awfully defensive every time you hear something that is 100% supportive of you, which is clouding some of the good advice you are getting.

 

You can lead a horse to water......

 

They also don't know what kind of crosses people bear. And that's not being a victim...it's being realistic.

 

Yes, we do, because you have started a million threads about your crosses, and then get angry when people comment on them. If you don't want to hear what people have to say, don't post.

We aren't judging you, but we are going to form opinions from the information YOU give us.

The primary aim of this site is to give advice and help. Nobody gains anything by personally attacking people.

You portray yourself as this hard done by, woe is me victim Uniqueone, and I am sure you don't need to. There are many people out there who are worse off than you.

 

Life is what you make it, and lets face it, your life isn't THAT bad.

I think you need to realise that.

[lovelorcet]

I am really going to have to side with TBF here. I come from an extremely messed up and traumatizing family. You can either play the victim your whole life or learn to take care of yourself. I had to move to another continent to learn how to do that.

 

Some family I cut out because there was no other option, some I just have to accept how they are. These are choices that I made to improve my life.

 

In the end your happiness is your responsibility and yours alone.

[uniqueone]

 

I know that you weren't bugging your sister all along.

 

 

No that's not true. You told me just the opposite in your message to me.

 

Yes, we do, because you have started a million threads about your crosses, and then get angry when people comment on them.

You've made me feel bad about starting threads on here now. I won't start any anymore.

 

If you don't want to hear what people have to say, don't post.

We aren't judging you, but we are going to form opinions from the information YOU give us.

The primary aim of this site is to give advice and help. Nobody gains anything by personally attacking people.

 

I don't know who you mean by "we". I've found most of the people here on LS very kind and helpful. There was only a few of you who are acting like this. Everyone else has been great and I really appreciate them being here for me.

You portray yourself as this hard done by, woe is me victim Uniqueone, and I am sure you don't need to. There are many people out there who are worse off than you.

 

Life is what you make it, and lets face it, your life isn't THAT bad.

I think you need to realise that.

 

My life isn't that bad....you don't know half my life. I told you one small little portion of it. This is just silly. You don't know what I've experienced or what it's like to be me. You don't know what genes I inherited or what I've dealt with all my life. I'm not saying that it can't be dealt to a degree but you really don't know that it's not the same as somebody else. I'm not mad at you for it. I know there's a lot of ignorance out there on this subject. People tend to think that everyone is just like them and has the same facilities that they do. And people tend to think that people who say that they aren't just like them, are just making excuses.

 

We are not all given the same things. People don't expect a person in a wheelchair to get up and run a race. Maybe that person CAN run a race someday but it's going to be very, very difficult. That's the part you need to understand.

[uniqueone]

I am really going to have to side with TBF here. I come from an extremely messed up and traumatizing family. You can either play the victim your whole life or learn to take care of yourself. I had to move to another continent to learn how to do that.

 

Some family I cut out because there was no other option, some I just have to accept how they are. These are choices that I made to improve my life.

 

In the end your happiness is your responsibility and yours alone.

 

I'm not playing the victim. I do take care of myself. This doesn't mean that I can't talk about how I feel though about my family.