Stop me before I do something stupid

[Woggle]

Besides going on those boards a guy I know just had his wife drop the bomb on him and it threw me into panic mode. This walkaway wife thing is an epidemic these days and I am scared to death of it happening to me. Just look at some of the threads on this board from men and from women who admit their husbands are great guys but are ready to walk. As much bravado as I put on I really do love her and if she all of a sudden decided to walk it would hurt like hell. When I was single I promised myself I would never let a woman affect me in this way but here I am head over heels and scared that it will not last. I just can'ty trust a woman to take a commitment seriously when so many of them have shown that they can change at the drop of a dime no matter well you treat them. You can call me s misogynist or a woman hater all you want but you can't deny that the walkaway wife thing is an epidemic and I afraid that it will eventually happen to me.

[Citizen Erased]

Besides going on those boards a guy I know just had his wife drop the bomb on him and it threw me into panic mode. This walkaway wife thing is an epidemic these days and I am scared to death of it happening to me. Just look at some of the threads on this board from men and from women who admit their husbands are great guys but are ready to walk. As much bravado as I put on I really do love her and if she all of a sudden decided to walk it would hurt like hell. When I was single I promised myself I would never let a woman affect me in this way but here I am head over heels and scared that it will not last. I just can'ty trust a woman to take a commitment seriously when so many of them have shown that they can change at the drop of a dime no matter well you treat them. You can call me s misogynist or a woman hater all you want but you can't deny that the walkaway wife thing is an epidemic and I afraid that it will eventually happen to me.

 

Why did you marry your poor wife if you can't trust her because of a hypothetical situation? Your marriage will NEVER work, not because she will simply walk away, have an affair etc. But because you are PUSHING her away. You don't trust her and she has NEVER given you a reason to not.

 

You have NO RIGHT to think you have any clue as to the reasons why women leave their husbands. Have you ever stopped to think they leave because of their husbands lying, cheating, bashing etc. More divorces occur because of infidelity on the part of the husband then for the wife just walking away for no reason. You need to stop thinking about what happens to everyone else and look a little closer to home. It is almost like you want to push your wife away so you can go "SEE she left me for NO reason"

[Woggle]

I thought I could trust her when we first married but everything I see around points to the fact that women will eventually change on you and I don't see how she is any exception.

[underpants]

I thought I could trust her when we first married but everything I see around points to the fact that women will eventually change on you and I don't see how she is any exception.

 

Woggs,

 

I have to ask you, even at a great risk.

 

What is your idea of the perfect woman?

[Woggle]

Woggs,

 

I have to ask you, even at a great risk.

 

What is your idea of the perfect woman?

 

A woman who is attractive, loyal and will appreciate when I treat her right. I want a woman that truly cares for me like I care for her. I don't want some perfect stepford wife but I at least want a woman I can trust and I am not sure of any woman is trustworthy.

[underpants]

A woman who is attractive, loyal and will appreciate when I treat her right. I want a woman that truly cares for me like I care for her. I don't want some perfect stepford wife but I at least want a woman I can trust and I am not sure of any woman is trustworthy.

 

Hugs,

 

I understand your fear. However, do NOT let it rule you and please don't let it ...sabatoge the goal you have set for yourself.

 

Sometimes...(alot of times) if you project it ...then it materalizes and takes shape.

 

Do you share such fears and desires with your wife. Are you two that close?

 

...To answer your fear...yes women can be that trustworthy and more. It is a nurturing thing to and from both sides. A journey of two.

[dropdeadlegs]

woggle, I will try another approach.

 

You and I are both in incredibly wonderful relationships. The difference between the two are that you choose to concentrate on the (unlikely, yet possible) negative and I choose to concentrate on the positive (with the negative always being a possibility.)

 

How are we different? It's in our attitude. Trust is something that is either given, and then withdrawn as circumstances take place, or it is something that has to be earned. Has your wife done her part in either way?

 

My guess is that she has, but you need to see that.

 

How long have you two been married, anyway?

[dropdeadlegs]

A woman who is attractive, loyal and will appreciate when I treat her right. I want a woman that truly cares for me like I care for her. I don't want some perfect stepford wife but I at least want a woman I can trust and I am not sure of any woman is trustworthy.

Women want that ideal, too. We're not so different.

 

Does your wife fit is the important question.

[Citizen Erased]

A woman who is attractive, loyal and will appreciate when I treat her right. I want a woman that truly cares for me like I care for her. I don't want some perfect stepford wife but I at least want a woman I can trust and I am not sure of any woman is trustworthy.

 

Read back what I put in bold. By your own accounts, your wife is all of these things. But you refuse to let her in because you are afraid of letting her completely in. If you had of said the above on here before you married her, we all would have told you not to marry her until you could trust her completely. You have such potential in this relationship, we all know you are a great guy. But you, as I said before, hold back, so if you get your heart broken you can say I told you so and that makes you right. That is a dangerous road to go down and all it does is double your chances of pushing this woman away completely. You will not win by not dealing with these issues.

 

You have to make the conscious decision to not let this lead your life anymore. An alcoholic will say they are getting help, but if they don't accept they have a problem, they are just doing what other people want. YOU have to want to get over this. To trust your wife completely and begin a family with her.

 

If not, you need to let her know the real man she is married to, she has the right to know if your marriage has no chance.

[Woggle]

Another thing is that after all those years of fighting for survival I finally have time to relax and now all this anger is coming to the surface. I have a lot of anger towards women and when I see my seperated friend just using women like they are toys I feel like joining in with him. I feel like I didn't get a chance to be a player and treat women the way they had always treated me in between marriages and now I have to be a loving husband when what I really feel like doing is treating women like toys. There is all this anger that needs an outlet and there is none except this board. I am just sick and tired of being the nice guy all my life.

[Citizen Erased]

Another thing is that after all those years of fighting for survival I finally have time to relax and now all this anger is coming to the surface. I have a lot of anger towards women and when I see my seperated friend just using women like they are toys I feel like joining in with him. I feel like I didn't get a chance to be a player and treat women the way they had always treated me in between marriages and now I have to be a loving husband when what I really feel like doing is treating women like toys. There is all this anger that needs an outlet and there is none except this board. I am just sick and tired of being the nice guy all my life.

 

So in other words your original post was an excuse for you wanting to dick around with your buddies? You leaving her for these ridiculous reasons covers for the fact you just want to sleep with random women and then leave them high and dry. Stop wasting everybody's time Woggle and stop making excuses.

[Woggle]

So in other words your original post was an excuse for you wanting to dick around with your buddies? Stop wasting everybody's time Woggle and show your wife what kind of person you really are.

 

It wasn't. I am very conflicted right now. I was just reading another anti-male website that has me riled up again so this is how I am thinking right now. Just one time I want to be the aggressor instead of the victim.

[Citizen Erased]

It wasn't. I am very conflicted right now. I was just reading another anti-male website that has me riled up again so this is how I am thinking right now. Just one time I want to be the aggressor instead of the victim.

 

Then stop talking about it and do it. If you truly wanted your marriage to work you wouldn't be on those pointless sites.

[jmargel]

Screwing around on your wife is not going to fix the misconceptions that are in your head. You will just hurt your wife, yourself and the other women. Woggle don't you think there are a ton of men out there that dick around on their wives and mistreat them?

 

Women in general are not inclined to screw over their man. It's not an instinct that is bred into them. Nothing good can come out with the way you are thinking.

 

I went the route that you want to go. When my ex-fiancee cheated on me and left I started sleeping around. It's one of the most hollow feelings you can experience and it did not cure me from feeling the way I did. I had to take time to get over that hurt and trust in love again.

 

Apparently you weren't ready to marry yet. I hope you are seeing a counselor.

[Woggle]

Yet another reason why I am having doubts is that this November my house will be 100% paid off which means that next year I am hoping to get into some business ventures that will make 2008 a very eventful year for me. I want to know that my wife is commited to making this work and will be in my corner after the honeymoon phase is over and she is willing to let the marriage grow into something deeper. I don't need the stress of a wife turning on me and a divorce with all that I am trying to do next year between the music and trying to get a business started. I have big plans and I need to know she is by my side instead of just adding stress to my life.

[Ladyjane14]

Maybe... and this is just a thought ... you might STOP FEEDING YOUR INSECURITIES by going to these websites and IMMERSING yourself in the worst case scenario all the time.

 

Dude, you need a more wholesome hobby. Try cooking or knitting or something else that's generally a woman's craft... and take another view of them from a different perspective. I'm not even kidding. Some of the best quilters in the world are men, and I knew this guy once who sewed all his own shirts. Frankly, they were FABULOUS too.

 

What you look for is what you'll find. Put your money where your mouth is for your own sake, Wog. If you WANT peace and healing, start actively LOOKING for peace and healing.

[JamesM]

I am going to make a statement that seems obvious yet I am not seeing it in your posts....

 

Marriage is about two people. When I read your posts, I read that your marriage is all about you and your feelings. You want a woman who is (list of items), but have you wondered what she wants in a marriage? Have you tried fulfilling HER list of items?

 

I know this much about people in general...we all want to be happy. So, just as you want happiness and trust, so does she. Is she getting it from you?

 

Personally, although I question if I am a good husband, I rarely wonder if she will suddenly change and walk away. But I do wonder if I can prevent myself from doing something stupid that CAUSES her to walk away. In other words, it won't be my wife doing for no ghood reason. It will simply be that she HAS a good reason.

[Citizen Erased]

Yet another reason why I am having doubts is that this November my house will be 100% paid off which means that next year I am hoping to get into some business ventures that will make 2008 a very eventful year for me. I want to know that my wife is commited to making this work and will be in my corner after the honeymoon phase is over and she is willing to let the marriage grow into something deeper. I don't need the stress of a wife turning on me and a divorce with all that I am trying to do next year between the music and trying to get a business started. I have big plans and I need to know she is by my side instead of just adding stress to my life.

 

Are you freaking kidding Woggle?

[Woggle]

I am not kidding. I don't need added stress while I am making moves.

[Citizen Erased]

I am not kidding. I don't need added stress while I am making moves.

 

"making moves" lol oh Woggle you are sounding more and more like a scared 6 year old boy as the days pass.

 

All you are doing is giving yourself stress by thinking about these things. Stop looking at those sites, treat your wife as she deserves to be treated, and stop looking for a way out of your marriage "just in case" something goes wrong. I may get hit by a bus tomorrow, doesn't mean I'm not going to go out and go to work.

[a4a]

This is amazing....... Woggle is worried about his wife dumping him and just turning on him. Here he is discussing how he doesn't think his M will work (basically that is the crux of this)....... meanwhile back at the ranch his wife has no clue.

 

hmmmmmm....... geeze I guess Woggle is more like those walk a way wives that he spews about more than his own wife is.

 

 

Woggle why don't you come clean and show your wife these threads. You are the one keeping secrets, ready to bail, have her in the dark...... just like those women you condemn over and over.

 

Perhaps you are getting your wish to be the dumper/aggressor.

 

Do her a favor and just go home and tell her you want a divorce because you will never trust her. Then go play the field, use em, abuse em, leave em high and dry.

 

I thought you had enough honor and respect to be on the level - your wife deserves to know your secrets about your distrust in her..... keep it up and she will have no choice but to pack up and go..... because you made it that way..... not her...... you.

 

Really lost some respect for you. Even if our views are not the same, at least you stated what you really felt - except to your own wife.... to me that is not honorable nor respectable. Chicken wimpish childlike. I thought she was your equal - different - not like all the others? Guess not.

[allina]

I want to know that my wife is commited to making this work and will be in my corner after the honeymoon phase is over and she is willing to let the marriage grow into something deeper. I don't need the stress of a wife turning on me and a divorce with all that I am trying to do next year between the music and trying to get a business started. I have big plans and I need to know she is by my side instead of just adding stress to my life.

 

She IS committed and she IS by your side, now you need to do the same back for her. Woggle, this woman been a loving and understanding wife through all your issues and moments of doubt because she's committed. Even when you hurt her by breaking off the engagement soon before the wedding she stood by you and came back. She has shown you time and time again that she's going to stand by you. Do you have any idea how scary it must be for her to fear her husband leaving her based on something she has zero control over?

[IpAncA]

Apparently you weren't ready to marry yet. I hope you are seeing a counselor.

 

I agree too.

[serial muse]

Just one time I want to be the aggressor instead of the victim.

 

This is very weird to me because I remember you posting that you did just that to at least one woman - used her like a toy because you were angry after your marriage ended. It may even have been more than one. And you felt good about it at the time. Powerful.

 

This is all about power and fear. You talk a lot about taking your power back as a man, having a spine, having balls, etc. etc. And yet, you're consumed with fear, and every woman-hating thing that comes out of your mouth is just another expression of it. You're creating a self-fulfilling prophecy here, because you're afraid of being vulnerable to someone (God knows, anyone who's been deeply hurt has that fear too, but you've taken it to extreme levels) and therefore you're preparing yourself for your wife to leave by diminishing her (even if you don't say so to her face - at least, not yet) and feeding your fears by focusing on the worst-case scenarios out there. (I'm quite sure you spend zero time thinking or reading about men who do the same sort of thing. That wouldn't confirm your thesis and might instead suggest that all sorts of people are prone to cheating and leaving and acting like asses.)

 

And, if your fears do spill out to places where she can feel them (as has already happened at least once, when you balked at getting married, and I suspect has happened other times as well) eventually she may indeed decide to leave you. As she should. And then you'll just call her a "walkaway wife" and comfort yourself that you were right all along, as though you were in no way DRIVING HER TO IT. Very likely you'll also tell your guy friends about how it's an epidemic, just like they tell you, and you'll all talk about how to get one over on those heartless women who leave for no reason. Sounds great, doesn't it? Get on out there and show them who's boss. What a life.

 

Like I said: self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

Stop being so damned afraid all the damned time, Woggle. Grow a pair and dare to be happy for f***'s sake.

 

Oh - one more thing. It takes STRENGTH to control one's addictions. You're addicted to reading websites that feed your anger and fear. They do you no good, but you can't stop yourself. See it for the addiction it is, and figure out how to wean yourself away. Unless you want to be a miserable, muttering misogynist for the rest of your life, focus on the larger world and take in all data, not just the stories that you already want to believe. It just might be that you're wrong, and I think it's time you faced that rationally.

[whichwayisup]

Besides going on those boards a guy I know just had his wife drop the bomb on him and it threw me into panic mode. This walkaway wife thing is an epidemic these days and I am scared to death of it happening to me. Just look at some of the threads on this board from men and from women who admit their husbands are great guys but are ready to walk. As much bravado as I put on I really do love her and if she all of a sudden decided to walk it would hurt like hell. When I was single I promised myself I would never let a woman affect me in this way but here I am head over heels and scared that it will not last. I just can'ty trust a woman to take a commitment seriously when so many of them have shown that they can change at the drop of a dime no matter well you treat them. You can call me s misogynist or a woman hater all you want but you can't deny that the walkaway wife thing is an epidemic and I afraid that it will eventually happen to me.

 

Christ, you're not talking about ANY woman here, you're talking about your OWN WIFE!!!! WHY the heck did you get married Woggle? What the F has she done to deserve this? Again, these are your own demons mixing it up inside your head and if you don't get your sh.it together, get your cute ass back into therapy, YOU WILL LOSE YOUR WIFE, and it will be your own fault!

 

Your wife is NOT all those women that you're freaking out over!

 

I thought I could trust her when we first married but everything I see around points to the fact that women will eventually change on you and I don't see how she is any exception.

 

Give me 5 examples right now - What has your wife done to you directly that makes you think she'll turn on you. NOT anybody else, forget about other women, I'm talking about YOUR OWN WIFE.

 

The way you are acting it seems you don't know your wife at all. And, you definately are letting trust issues, your past and fears get in the way of living a happily married life...

 

A woman who is attractive, loyal and will appreciate when I treat her right. I want a woman that truly cares for me like I care for her. I don't want some perfect stepford wife but I at least want a woman I can trust and I am not sure of any woman is trustworthy.

 

WTF? Oh man, Woggle, do not have a baby at all. This is a big thing, you're seriously freaking out and having some breakdown. I'm not kidding...You're scaring ME now!

 

Another thing is that after all those years of fighting for survival I finally have time to relax and now all this anger is coming to the surface. I have a lot of anger towards women and when I see my seperated friend just using women like they are toys I feel like joining in with him. I feel like I didn't get a chance to be a player and treat women the way they had always treated me in between marriages and now I have to be a loving husband when what I really feel like doing is treating women like toys. There is all this anger that needs an outlet and there is none except this board. I am just sick and tired of being the nice guy all my life.

 

And, god forbid your wife does get pregnant and you two have a daughter....

What then? Will you force your own flesh and blood, your daughter, to feel bad, to be punished for all your venom and hate towards women? Could you love and trust your own little girl?

 

It wasn't. I am very conflicted right now. I was just reading another anti-male website that has me riled up again so this is how I am thinking right now. Just one time I want to be the aggressor instead of the victim.

 

STOP READING THOSE FRICKEN SITES!! NO good is coming of it. NONE!!!!

 

Yet another reason why I am having doubts is that this November my house will be 100% paid off which means that next year I am hoping to get into some business ventures that will make 2008 a very eventful year for me. I want to know that my wife is commited to making this work and will be in my corner after the honeymoon phase is over and she is willing to let the marriage grow into something deeper. I don't need the stress of a wife turning on me and a divorce with all that I am trying to do next year between the music and trying to get a business started. I have big plans and I need to know she is by my side instead of just adding stress to my life.

Then most definately DO NOT ATTEMPT to have a baby with your wife. Kids just add MORE STRESS.

 

Until you and your wife talk, you let her know all that you're freaking out about - Put the baby talk ON HOLD. Get yourselves into counselling together so she can help you, so you can fix yourself.

 

Sorry for the tough love Wogs, but man, you need it badly, otherwise you WILL lose all that you've got in your life...All because you're allowing yourself to live in the past and only see bad things about women.

 

I am not kidding. I don't need added stress while I am making moves.

 

Again, put the baby talk on HOLD.