A British Drama

[Crispy Lala]

I have a love related issue. I was dating this guy from Britain. We were friends for about 4/5 months and then things turned into something more. Unfortunately he is involved in another relationship and has been for the past 4/5yrs. His girlfriend lives over in England. He has been here on a work visa for 1 yr. and has extended it for another year. He (according to him) has realized that he is not in love with her, though he loves her very much. He does not want to hurt her, which I totally understand, yet he claims to be happier with me than with her.

 

Well, over the holidays he went home to London to be with his family and of course the girlfriend. He said that he was going to tell her, over the holiday's, about him and I. I kind of knew he wouldn't and I really am not angry that he didn't tell her. I understand he's confused and I understand he cares for her and I know it's not easy to break up with someone that you've been with for such a long period of time and have shared a lot with, even if you're not in love with them (If that's still true). They've been in your life for so long and there's a friendship there too. I'm sure he's also scared that I may not be serious about him for a long term (We've only been dating 1 mo. or so) and he may think I could leave him for another guy, even if I tell him how much I care for him. (I just hope he realizes I'm not that shallow). Then he'd be left out in the cold and have no one, but that's life and that's the chances you have to take. I also promised him I wouldn't pressure him, but I kind of did. It's not that I meant to, it's just that I don't want to be the other woman, because I know I'm worth more than that and I want to be the only special person in a man's life.

 

Anyway, he went to London and I know he didn't tell his girlfriend, because he avoided me for 2 weeks. I didn't know what to think. Maybe he's back with her, maybe he lied to me the whole time about how he felt, maybe he's just going to blow me off, maybe he used me, maybe he never really like me and it was just a conquest...and i started to hate him for making me feel this way. I didn't want to hate someone that I thought was so wonderful. I felt like, he's more concerned about not hurting her and he hasn't even thought about not hurting me. He just blew me off like nothing. How can I get him to realize that I'm not his enemy and I'm not trying to make his life difficult...I'm also an understanding friend. I don't like seeing him in a constant state of confusion. We needed to be on the same page and he just pushed me away like I was the enemy.

 

Well he got home, last night. I didn't even know if I wanted to hear from him or not, because I had distanced myself in my own head. He never called which was fine, but it just reassured me that he really didn't care about us. Then today he emails me a joke. Not a personalized joke, but a joke that he distributed to all his friends. After not talking to me for 2 weeks, that was the best he could do for me...and it hurt. I think I deserved more than that. I know it's because he's scared I'll get upset with him for not telling her, but I already know he didn't. I don't hate him for it. What upsets me is that he's not acting like a true friend, whom I thought would always be honest with me. I thought he was a man, and I'm hoping he doesn't let me down again. Where do I go from here?

[ssss]

Where indeed? Sometimes a person can get themselves into a situation which they have absolutely no idea about how to deal with it, and rather than face up to the situation they figure it may just be easier to let it go, especially if they know how you may deal with it yourself, as this guy may well do. After going away for two weeks, and knowing full well how you may be feeling, spurrned or even rejected, as it would seem evident, and maybe knowing how you would react to your own feelings, the feeling of hatred, maybe he just doesn't know how to approach you again, or even if that is what you want. Maybe he is just scarred of hurting you even more than he already has, and cannot bear to add to that any further. What were your last words to him before he went back to England? What conclusions do you think he would have drawn from what you said to him?

 

Experience has shown me that situations like this are never be easy. They are no win and in trying to hurt no-one, everyone gets hurt. There are no easy answers or solutions. You do deserve more than the silence which has greeted you on his return, but sometimes just picking up the phone can be the hardest thing, never knowing what response he may get. I am sure that he never wanted your hatred, though maybe in his own mind he can fully understand the reason for it, and as such can deal with that. You know in your own mind how he felt about you, of that i am sure from your note, he wasn't using you, not after 5 months of friendship. We always seem to hurt the ones we love the most, and some people are more adept at it than others, especially those who find it hard to open up and express their true emotions, people who can seem cold and blackhearted on the outside, when inside their emotions are boiling and consuming them. Sometimes seeing the wood for the trees is the hardest thing. I am sure this guy doesn't wish to lose your friendship, maybe he just can't see a way forward. Theres no doubt that the two of you need to talk. Good friendships come along all too rarely in life, that they shouldn't be wasted....

 

ssss

I have a love related issue. I was dating this guy from Britain. We were friends for about 4/5 months and then things turned into something more. Unfortunately he is involved in another relationship and has been for the past 4/5yrs. His girlfriend lives over in England. He has been here on a work visa for 1 yr. and has extended it for another year. He (according to him) has realized that he is not in love with her, though he loves her very much. He does not want to hurt her, which I totally understand, yet he claims to be happier with me than with her. Well, over the holidays he went home to London to be with his family and of course the girlfriend. He said that he was going to tell her, over the holiday's, about him and I. I kind of knew he wouldn't and I really am not angry that he didn't tell her. I understand he's confused and I understand he cares for her and I know it's not easy to break up with someone that you've been with for such a long period of time and have shared a lot with, even if you're not in love with them (If that's still true). They've been in your life for so long and there's a friendship there too. I'm sure he's also scared that I may not be serious about him for a long term (We've only been dating 1 mo. or so) and he may think I could leave him for another guy, even if I tell him how much I care for him. (I just hope he realizes I'm not that shallow). Then he'd be left out in the cold and have no one, but that's life and that's the chances you have to take. I also promised him I wouldn't pressure him, but I kind of did. It's not that I meant to, it's just that I don't want to be the other woman, because I know I'm worth more than that and I want to be the only special person in a man's life. Anyway, he went to London and I know he didn't tell his girlfriend, because he avoided me for 2 weeks. I didn't know what to think. Maybe he's back with her, maybe he lied to me the whole time about how he felt, maybe he's just going to blow me off, maybe he used me, maybe he never really like me and it was just a conquest...and i started to hate him for making me feel this way. I didn't want to hate someone that I thought was so wonderful. I felt like, he's more concerned about not hurting her and he hasn't even thought about not hurting me. He just blew me off like nothing. How can I get him to realize that I'm not his enemy and I'm not trying to make his life difficult...I'm also an understanding friend. I don't like seeing him in a constant state of confusion. We needed to be on the same page and he just pushed me away like I was the enemy. Well he got home, last night. I didn't even know if I wanted to hear from him or not, because I had distanced myself in my own head. He never called which was fine, but it just reassured me that he really didn't care about us. Then today he emails me a joke. Not a personalized joke, but a joke that he distributed to all his friends. After not talking to me for 2 weeks, that was the best he could do for me...and it hurt. I think I deserved more than that. I know it's because he's scared I'll get upset with him for not telling her, but I already know he didn't. I don't hate him for it. What upsets me is that he's not acting like a true friend, whom I thought would always be honest with me. I thought he was a man, and I'm hoping he doesn't let me down again. Where do I go from here?

[Crispy Lala]

Maybe you're right about my last words to him. I shouldn't have said them so directly w/o explaining what I'd meant. I knew what I meant, but he couldn't possibly have been able to decode it...and I knew it. I tend to fling arrows at people as a defense, without thinking first, aiming to hurt them, before they can hurt me. Maybe I should have told him how I felt and gave him something more solid to stand on before he left, but I didn't want to take that chance, just in case they were words he didn't want to hear. If he is missing me even half as much as I'm missing him, then we do need to talk, only I don't know how to approach the situation either.

[ssss]

Well, it sounds as though the both are as stubborn as each other, as defensive as each other, and are able to hurt each other, not through malice, though, but just through your incapability to let your feelings show. That, i guess, is just natural. Someone has just got to be brave enough to break the ice and pick up the phone.

 

Happy New Millenium,

 

ssss

Maybe you're right about my last words to him. I shouldn't have said them so directly w/o explaining what I'd meant. I knew what I meant, but he couldn't possibly have been able to decode it...and I knew it. I tend to fling arrows at people as a defense, without thinking first, aiming to hurt them, before they can hurt me. Maybe I should have told him how I felt and gave him something more solid to stand on before he left, but I didn't want to take that chance, just in case they were words he didn't want to hear. If he is missing me even half as much as I'm missing him, then we do need to talk, only I don't know how to approach the situation either.

[Crispy Lala]

Well, I guess that person is just going to have to be him, because I am more stubborn.

[Elvira]

I don't think you should be so stubborn. This could go on for a LONG time if neither one of you picks up that phone and life is too short. Why don't you send him an e-mail expressing your feelings in the matter.

 

First you can write an angry letter (for yourself)just to get all the emotions out, wait a while, then write another one to send him.

 

Obviously you must think this person is worth considering and still persuing if you have the need to be posting on the Loveshack.

 

Another suggestion: sit still for about an hour or go for a walk in nature and mediate on the question. Is it worth it?

 

Trust your own instincts.

 

Good luck

 

Elvira

 

PS I wish I knew what to do in my situation!!