Making lists of what is wrong with your ex is healthy...

[sunnysideup1]

That's what I've been doing to cope with this situation. It was a very recent breakup and he calls me about 8 times per day. I thought I was in love with him and only saw him in the best light possible but when I took the time to realize all of the bad about him, it makes me see that I can't have this person in my life. Here is my bad list (I'm writing this here because I really need a place to vent.): 1. He cheated on me with 3 other women.

2. He would call me a bitch and a slut because I wouldn't give my virginity to him.

3. He told me my religion was stupid.

4. He hit me.

5. He isolated me from all of my friends.

6. He was older than me, so I felt as if he represented some stability and security when really, I felt so unstable when I was with him.

 

I know the list makes it sound as if I was crazy for staying, but he had a way about him which convinced me that he was the only right person for me. I've had a slew of bad relationships with men and I've finally decided that NOW is the time for myself. Polywog's post kind of inspired me to start partaking in activities that will help me get over this situation and fulfill MY needs.

 

I am on NC but this is going to be hard because just last night he told me he loved me and I told him I loved him, too. I am ending this, though.

[2sunny]

i did the opposite list

 

i listed all the characteristics/attributes that were going to be necessary if i were to consider any man in my life for my future

 

whenever i feel the lightest interest in a man - i take out my list to see if he is the right fit...

 

it helps me to stay on track for my priorities...

[underpants]

You are not crazy.

 

You simply tried and are now recognizing that he is not a healthy influence on you.

 

I have a list too. I would take it out when I got contacted to remind myself of why my ex was just, sadly, not a good person. The things on my list would sicken some.

 

The thing is, you cannot fix that sort of stuff. You are lucky to have gotten out of a bad situation. You don't love him, you simply got involved with an unheathy person who is attempting to drag you down to his level.

 

If you do go back, you will just be treated the same and most likely worse. His contact sounds like a way to keep control on you. Be smarter then that please.

 

Stay strong and ignore the contact.

 

I also like the other sunny's idea (you two are two sunnys:D). When you find your center again. Make a list of attributes you want, as well as those you cannot tolerate.

 

Poly is an inspiration isn't she? Let her experience muse you into holding out for someone who will treat you better.

[Trialbyfire]

The list you made of your exes negative traits is scary. I'm glad you've made the decision to distance yourself, therefore allowing yourself the chance to find someone who will treat you right.

 

You look like you're a beautiful girl in your twenties in your avatar. You've got so much of your life ahead of you. Don't waste it on someone like this.

[amaysngrace]

Try to remember that if he "loved" you like he says he wouldn't treat you this way.

 

Talk is cheap but what he does means everything.

 

I know it's hard to be mistreated and come out of it feeling good about yourself but you owe it to yourself to try. Don't believe what he says. Don't believe you are any of the things he says you are.

 

The truth is he's not good enough for you. He knew it so he tried to bring you down to his level by making you feel bad about yourself. Enough of that already.

 

He is no man. No real man anyway. And you as a real woman should demand a real man for yourself. One who treats you well and cares about your happiness. Not someone who makes you feel miserable.

 

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, get back into the world and set the bar higher (probably MUCH higher) the next time. You're worth it!

[sunnysideup1]

Thanks for the responses, everyone. I'm happy to see that I'm not the only one that makes lists. Normally I don't in regards to everyday life type of things, but in this situation, it makes me feel more in control.

 

I'm in the process of getting my number changed and I've restrained myself from signing on-line. He knows I have 3 different screen names. I could always start a new one, but I know I would add his name to it and for me NC also means not looking at the other person's MSN or AIM info. I don't want anything reminding me of him. I feel as if this will heal quicker if I don't sign on at all.

 

I've seen someone else post about NC and their personal goal was 60 days. While I ultimately hope to never have contact with him again, setting a number of days actually helps me become determined. It's too hard for me to start out by saying NEVER, though I hope that's what it comes down to, to be honest! I'm going to type in this thread whenever I feel like contacting him, just as my own personal venting strategy. Believe me, my friends know he's bad news, so I feel as if it's the old "I told you so" act if I ever try to talk to one of them. Thankfully, we don't have any mutual friends, so I don't have to worry about that. He lives 45 minutes away from me, which makes him all that much easier to avoid.

 

Well, today I went to classes and now I'm going to go for a run. I made a new playlist on my I-Pod called "It's over" (lol). Track 1 is Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive". Track 2 is Beyonce's "Irreplaceable". Track 3 is Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats". And so on...Normally I'm a classic rock and old school music fan, but this should inspire me as well. Mother****er! Thanks for the support, guys.

[Trialbyfire]

Here are two songs I like, which are great for breakups.

 

Blue Monday (Orgy's cover version, not the new order version)

 

A nice driving beat and loaded with wonderful cynicism.

 

Never again (Kelly Clarkson)

 

A popalicious anti-cheaters song.

[sunnysideup1]

Thanks for those suggestions. I forgot about Orgy's "Blue Monday"; I always loved that song! Also, on the Kelly Clarkson tip..."Since You've Been Gone".

 

It's our tradition for him to come to my house every Saturday and for me to go to his house every other weekend, since he lives in Indianapolis. He should assume this isn't gonna' happen since I broke things off right? I sure as hell hope nobody's ass is on my doorstep this Saturday.

[Trialbyfire]

Leave early...

[underpants]

I agree. Make plans to spend the weekend someplace else. Just continue to be unavailable and ignore all contact.

 

This will make you stronger.

 

I understand about the 3 month rule. I even marked my calendar.

 

If his contact escalates (as mine did) you might have to take other measures.

 

Be strong and be gone.

[sunnysideup1]

You're both right. I won't be there that day.

 

underpants, when you did the whole 60 day thing, did you ever slip up? I'm so used to calling him or vice versa every night and seeing him every weekend. In fact, today is my first day of NC but already my confidence is growing quite thin. I got back from my run not too long ago and was feeling strong listening to "I Will Survive" but then when I got back home, I was a mess thinking about our "good times". Also, after you had 60 days, did you feel a lot better? Did you still feel any feelings for this man? I hope not! I'm really hoping that this will help.

 

I also wonder about this: Right now, I'm kind of in a sticky situation because I'm taking two classes at a new school and working the majority of the time as a housekeeper at a hotel. I said this in Polywog's post: Most of the people that I work with are really catty girls. It's not that I don't get along with them perse, moreso that we don't click. And I'm 22 years old, attending two classes on the side at a college that's 80% Greek. I've never been all about Greek life. I don't mind if people belong to frats and sororities, but I don't have the time or the means to do so. I transferred schools because I lost my scholarship to my previous school, so all my other friends live hours away. I feel so lost in this tiny town and like I know no one. My ex was kind of like my safety blanket. On the weekends that I would go to Indy, I could escape this town and be with him for a little while. Now what should I do to meet new people? I feel so lost right now. =( I feel as if I won't be able to let go of this situation if I have no support network.

[joeyku]

A song that i can relate to is "It'll be ok" by limp bizkit... oh and "boiler" by limp bizkit... 2 great songs

[underpants]

You're both right. I won't be there that day.

 

This is good. You really need to distance yourself. Especially since you are vunerable right now.

 

underpants, when you did the whole 60 day thing, did you ever slip up? I'm so used to calling him or vice versa every night and seeing him every weekend. In fact, today is my first day of NC but already my confidence is growing quite thin. I got back from my run not too long ago and was feeling strong listening to "I Will Survive" but then when I got back home, I was a mess thinking about our "good times". Also, after you had 60 days, did you feel a lot better? Did you still feel any feelings for this man? I hope not! I'm really hoping that this will help.

 

My goal was 90 days and I was pretty good. I did respond to contact a few times in a FUTILE attempt to reason with him or just to call him on his bs. I don't recommend this. It only sets you back.

 

My little problem escalated with him coming over unannounced or coming over when I was not home. This was unsettling for me. Hee hee, I even purchased some men's shoes and left them by the door so he would just think I had moved on. He made me crazy. Imagine coming home and realizing someone else was there. Then after a while you realize it was him ...or that you are just nuts. Grrrr.

 

Eventually I just got mad and put his ego in the blender.

 

I took me longer just because I had to deal with contact coming straight to my house. I finally put my foot down and it has been months. I do feel loads better. Actually when it first happened I felt a sadness mixed with relief. Now I just see that whole escapade as a mild disappointment and a bullet dodged.

 

I am even crushing on a new person who I think is loads cuter and has got to be more sane than that ex.

 

Just refrain from contacting him or answering his contact. Save yourself alot of time and angst. You will heal faster without the contact from him. It is a hard road but soooo worth it. Whenever I got a call, email or came home to ...whatever... I would automatically read my list to remind me and strengthen my resolve. I also would look at my calander to let me know how much longer I had.

 

 

I also wonder about this: Right now, I'm kind of in a sticky situation because I'm taking two classes at a new school and working the majority of the time as a housekeeper at a hotel. I said this in Polywog's post: Most of the people that I work with are really catty girls. It's not that I don't get along with them perse, moreso that we don't click. And I'm 22 years old, attending two classes on the side at a college that's 80% Greek. I've never been all about Greek life. I don't mind if people belong to frats and sororities, but I don't have the time or the means to do so. I transferred schools because I lost my scholarship to my previous school, so all my other friends live hours away. I feel so lost in this tiny town and like I know no one. My ex was kind of like my safety blanket. On the weekends that I would go to Indy, I could escape this town and be with him for a little while. Now what should I do to meet new people? I feel so lost right now. =( I feel as if I won't be able to let go of this situation if I have no support network.

 

Well, you said he alienated you so you have to do the work to get yourself social again. I am sure there is more then Greek life at your school. Have you thought about a work study job in an area you like (art, library, astronomy) just something to get you into a new group of people. Also, there may be some free counciling offered through a psyc dept that could help you get through some of this hurt and gain some of your confidence back.

 

You are young and beautiful and I hope too smart to let someone else reduce you. Don't contact that boy. I mean it....

 

Go mark your calander and start doing some things for you. You are young and you are free. Embrace this.

[sunnysideup1]

Thank you for all your words. I think from now on everyday instead of thinking about the past, I'm going to think about the future. My major is Chinese so today I went on my college web-site and looked at study abroad opportunities. I'm aiming to study abroad next year, first semester. I've been to China before and loved it. I have friends there from when I first went and this homeless little girl that I met on the streets, well I have kept in contact with her and her family ever since leaving. I was there 2 years ago. Anyway, I've always told them I would come back and visit as well as other friends I had there. I think it would be really beneficial for me to do this for my studies as well.

 

It helps me to look at the future and plan for that instead of planning for some loser. Now that I'm single, I've the opportunity to go through with it. I also decided that at the end of 30 days, I'm gonna' go to a spa and indulge.

[underpants]

That's the spirit.

 

You might have some down times but eventually you will come out of this so much stronger. Just keep to your goals and don't waiver.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

This is sunnysideup1. For whatever reason, my other account stopped working so I made a new one. It's named after Amy Winehouse's song. I love it.

 

Anyway, I didn't contact my ex yesterday and now I'm on day 2 of NC. Baby steps. I'm just happy that I went a full day without doing so. I didn't even sign onto MSN. I'm writing here because I was thinking about calling this morning but didn't. Yay!

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

I forgot to mention that he called me last night, but I didn't answer.

[amaysngrace]

It's very empowering to not answer that phone isn't it?

 

Know this, if you answer you are just setting yourself up for more misery with this guy. He didn't change overnight. He's still the same guy who wants to mess up your head and keep you from the good life.

 

The tones been set. He will treat you just as he's always treated you.

 

He misses you. That's why he calls. That's because he hasn't found anyone with the quality of you to replace you. And he most likely never will. So these phones calls can last for months as I see it.

 

I would say get use to the phone ringing. ALOT.

[underpants]

Good for you sweetie. Stay strong.

 

The first couple of weeks are the absolute worst, then it gets a little better each week after.

 

Think of it like quitting a bad habit....which I would say based on your list that he is.

 

He might escalate in his contact more or resort to threatening or mind game messages. Just let it go and again strengthen your resolve.

 

Sadly (and was the case with me) he is probably going a little crazy at the knowledge that you are no longer there to control. That you actually are growing a mind of your own.

 

Men like this are at their core very weak. I suspect you will get a glimpse into that core character in the coming weeks. If you can get through it you will find yourself so thankful that you found a way out.

 

So, get out and have some fun today. Make some plans for the weekend. Is there a lake or body of water near by. I like to go to the ocean to heal. Can you just break away for the whole weekend?

 

You will get through this. Chin up.

[checker]

Making lists of what is wrong with your ex is healthy...

Actually it isnt. Its just another example of how nobody wants to accept any responsibility for their own lives anymore. It is always somebody elses fault.

 

 

I've had a slew of bad relationships with men...

 

I never would have guessed. You never did anything wrong in all of those relationships either, right?

 

There is nothing wrong with virginity, but considering you seem to have been in so many relationships yet still havent lost it, maybe part of the issue is that you simply arent mature enough for relationships yet?

 

Maybe that is totally off. Perhaps you are still a virgin for religious reasons. All I am saying is that you are not blameless in all of those past relationships, just like you are not blameless in this lastest one. And ignoring that will just hold you back.

 

Dont be so quick to see the other persons faults.

[Trialbyfire]

Actually it isnt. Its just another example of how nobody wants to accept any responsibility for their own lives anymore. It is always somebody elses fault.

 

I never would have guessed. You never did anything wrong in all of those relationships either, right?

 

There is nothing wrong with virginity, but considering you seem to have been in so many relationships yet still havent lost it, maybe part of the issue is that you simply arent mature enough for relationships yet?

 

Maybe that is totally off. Perhaps you are still a virgin for religious reasons. All I am saying is that you are not blameless in all of those past relationships, just like you are not blameless in this lastest one. And ignoring that will just hold you back.

 

Dont be so quick to see the other persons faults.

 

Here's a list of his faults, as expressed by the OP:

 

1. He cheated on me with 3 other women.

2. He would call me a bitch and a slut because I wouldn't give my virginity to him.

3. He told me my religion was stupid.

4. He hit me.

5. He isolated me from all of my friends.

6. He was older than me, so I felt as if he represented some stability and security when really, I felt so unstable when I was with him.

There's no doubt he's a controlling abuser. What the OP might be suffering from, is the abuser/abusee syndrome. If I were to guess and OP, please correct me if I'm wrong, she's been abused before, perhaps as a child/teenager or young adult, therefore is cycling through assorted abusive relationships.

 

The following article illustrates some of the reasons why women stay in physically abusive relationships:

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19920501-000019.html

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Checker, I have done things wrong in my past relationships as well as in this current relationship. I'm not denying that. Making a list of someone's negative faults in order to move past the relationship, in my opinion, is a service because it helps you move beyond the period of being "in the fog". What I mean by that is by thinking that your ex is the most amazing person to ever exist, which isn't true about anyone. I would have no problem if my exes made a list about me in order to move on. In fact, I would understand. It's simply a coping mechanism and when you're further removed from the situation, it's easier for you to realistically look at the situation and decipher what you need to do differently in your next relationship.

 

I'm happy that you seem to recognize what's best for everyone in their different situation. While I don't believe the reason for my still being a virgin is any of your business, I feel somewhat obliged to inform you that it's due to religious reasons. I'm Jewish. Not everyone that practices Judaism follows this, but certain sects of Judaism recognize it as important for both men and women before marriage. At this point in my life, I agree with this teaching. I'm 22 years old and while I have gotten a lot of **** from people about this before, I feel that it should in no way stop me from pursuing relationships.

 

Yes, when I was younger I experienced a lot of abuse for several years (not from parents or family but from a "family friend"). It wasn't easy but I'm no longer going to let this control my life. I've been seeing a counselor about this issue and I plan on continuing so that I can improve myself, as you seem to want to point out to me. Thanks for your words.I have no problem with opposite opinions, but you're a bit harsh seeing as how the breakup happened two days ago and I'm currently going through "withdrawal". G-d bless you and your bitterness.

 

TrialbyFire, thank you for your response.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Ay, I'm posting in this thread again. I was really optimistic earlier today, or as optimistic as I could be considering the circumstances. Now, though, I just feel so...defeated. I can't believe what I've allowed my life to become. I'm so scared of starting a new life. I feel so alone and like I'm not even used to being around people again. The thought of this really scares me and makes me want my "security blanket" back. I'm not caving in though. Tonight I'm going to a group meeting...maybe that will help me get involved with more people. It's AA because I know I have a problem with alcohol. I'm trying to fix everything now.

[Trialbyfire]

AA is a great idea. A positive step!!

 

I hope you have a sponsor who can discuss this with you. Everytime you want to drink, call your sponsor.

 

I'm not an alcoholic but have been exposed to some, as well as people who're in the Al-Anon program.

[checker]

OK, harsh tone ill accept. Bitter? Well, call me that if it makes you feel better.

 

Sorry if you feel im being harsh; Im obviously not very good at putting my point across. But you just see this kind of thing all the time and it gets tiring sugar coating responses. You get one side of a story and the significant other is made out to be the biggest monster alive. Then gradually the other side seeps through and the first person turns out to be, for example, needy, desperate, have trust issues etc etc etc or whatever the situation is in your case. Now suddenly things arent so good and evil, but rather murky.

 

You never mentioned originally that you have issues such that you have decided to attend therapy. You also did not mention that you have problems with alcohol. Im really not trying to rub your nose in it I promise, but dont you think those two pieces of information offer some vindication to the point I was making above? You cant honestly believe these things didnt have a big effect on your relationships. (And no, obviously Im not in anyway suggesting its your fault you were abused.)

 

So no, I dont think focusing on the faults of ones ex is in any way healthy. Its just more comfortable, avoids the real issues, and dooms one to having the same results from relationships over and over.

 

When you have dealt with these personal things, you wont even need to focus on his faults. You wont really care. Youll just feel sympathy towards him.

 

Sorry you think I "seem to recognize what's best for everyone in their different situation." And sorry if I seem like a know-it-all. But I dont know how to post my opinion without it coming across that way. Doesnt everyone seem like that when they post their opinion on the internet? There arent any exams to pass before being able to post on this public message board. If you dont want people to chime with their opinions, maybe keep it in private therapy?

 

Congratulations for those positive steps you are making though, btw. And dont worry, you dont have to experience anymore of my harsh tone. Ill leave you guys to it from here.