Making lists of what is wrong with your ex is healthy...

[Curious139]

Im obviously not very good at putting my point across. But you just see this kind of thing all the time and it gets tiring sugar coating responses. You get one side of a story and the significant other is made out to be the biggest monster alive. Then gradually the other side seeps through .....

 

 

So no, I dont think focusing on the faults of ones ex is in any way healthy. Its just more comfortable, avoids the real issues, and dooms one to having the same results from relationships over and over.

 

When you have dealt with these personal things, you wont even need to focus on his faults. You wont really care. You'll just feel sympathy towards him.....

 

 

Congratulations for those positive steps you are making though, btw. And dont worry, you dont have to experience anymore of my harsh tone. Ill leave you guys to it from here.

 

Good post Checker and I agree with much of what you say. There is a tendency in society to sugar-coat harsh facts or to avoid reality.

 

However I think that recording an ex's faults is a valid therapy step. Yes, it is one-sided but it is a step forward from seeing the ex as the most wonderful person in the world and absolutely faultless. In my own case I cannot fault my ex - she was and still is the one for me - but I've lost her and it is my fault - not hers.

 

I agree that when we are in a stable enough frame of mind it is healthy to reflect upon our own faults and where we made mistakes - that is an important step which perhaps isn't discussed enough on LS.

 

Checker you have excellent points to make so don't leave the board.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

I think I'm going to edit my original thread title and add "for me" to the end of it. It's fine if people disagree with this point of view. Some people definitely disagree in regards to the concept of NC (No Contact), which is okay because it doesn't work for them. They find other means to cope through their situations. However, in my case, this (this being the LIST) works for me. Honestly, it's really pissing me off that some people can't understand why it might be cathartic for me to write out on a list that hitting someone, berating them through horrible name-calling, and degrading a person are all negative aspects of this man, therefore warranting this person to be cut out of my life. Would you prefer it if I wrote a second "nice" list to go along with it? Fine. 1. He was funny. We had a few laughs here and there. 2. He provided a false sense of security for me at times, which sometimes made me feel at peace but mostly on edge. 3. He's now out of my life. Does this list in anyway negate the first "negative" list? NO. I don't care if he had rainbows flying out of his ass and therefore made some nice lookin' scenery while I was around. That wouldn't change the fact that he was an ass. Yes, you've pointed out that I've a problem with drinking. Yes, I've had destructive relationships in the past. But the difference is, I'm doing something about it. I'm not hitting a person, or calling them a slut, or denouncing their religion just for kicks. But, if this isn't understandable to you, it shouldn't even make me upset, since this applies to my life and not yours. I understand that in a more normal situation, perhaps this "list writing" wouldn't be as affective or as "mature" as you may like to say it, but this situation is not normal. I'm TIRED of this **** and I'm moving the **** on. I think I'm just feeling a little bit of anxiety today and I'm just gonna' accept that we can all agree to disagree. And I'm keeping my ****ing list.

 

Well, thankfully, I went out and did something different tonite! I saw a poster posted on the campus of the school I go to advertising a documentary called "Invisible Children". It's about the war in Uganda, Africa and the kids that are forced into rebel army recruitments and how many kids have to hide in horrible conditions to survive. It's put on by a group that's also called Invisible Children which I've now joined. That documentary was so incredibly moving. I'm glad that I went to it and found a new group to join. I didn't end up going to AA because I have a test tomorrow in my Chinese class and I have a feeling it's going to kick my ass. I do intend to attend these meetings. I really want everything toxic out of my life. While I still feel anxious thinking about a brand new life, it also sometimes makes me smile. Tomorrow I'm going to Hillel, which is the Jewish group on campus which I belong to...I've only gone once before but now that I have more time, I'm attending the beautiful dinner that's being catered from a fancy restaraunt and then going to the Rosh Hashana service after. Because I don't care what some douchebag says about my belief in G-d anymore...

 

Thank G-d for my list, mother****ers.

[underpants]

I think I'm going to edit my original thread title and add "for me" to the end of it. It's fine if people disagree with this point of view. Some people definitely disagree in regards to the concept of NC (No Contact), which is okay because it doesn't work for them. They find other means to cope through their situations. However, in my case, this (this being the LIST) works for me. Honestly, it's really pissing me off that some people can't understand why it might be cathartic for me to write out on a list that hitting someone, berating them through horrible name-calling, and degrading a person are all negative aspects of this man, therefore warranting this person to be cut out of my life. Would you prefer it if I wrote a second "nice" list to go along with it? Fine. 1. He was funny. We had a few laughs here and there. 2. He provided a false sense of security for me at times, which sometimes made me feel at peace but mostly on edge. 3. He's now out of my life. Does this list in anyway negate the first "negative" list? NO. I don't care if he had rainbows flying out of his ass and therefore made some nice lookin' scenery while I was around. That wouldn't change the fact that he was an ass. Yes, you've pointed out that I've a problem with drinking. Yes, I've had destructive relationships in the past. But the difference is, I'm doing something about it. I'm not hitting a person, or calling them a slut, or denouncing their religion just for kicks. But, if this isn't understandable to you, it shouldn't even make me upset, since this applies to my life and not yours. I understand that in a more normal situation, perhaps this "list writing" wouldn't be as affective or as "mature" as you may like to say it, but this situation is not normal. I'm TIRED of this **** and I'm moving the **** on. I think I'm just feeling a little bit of anxiety today and I'm just gonna' accept that we can all agree to disagree. And I'm keeping my ****ing list.

 

Well, thankfully, I went out and did something different tonite! I saw a poster posted on the campus of the school I go to advertising a documentary called "Invisible Children". It's about the war in Uganda, Africa and the kids that are forced into rebel army recruitments and how many kids have to hide in horrible conditions to survive. It's put on by a group that's also called Invisible Children which I've now joined. That documentary was so incredibly moving. I'm glad that I went to it and found a new group to join. I didn't end up going to AA because I have a test tomorrow in my Chinese class and I have a feeling it's going to kick my ass. I do intend to attend these meetings. I really want everything toxic out of my life. While I still feel anxious thinking about a brand new life, it also sometimes makes me smile. Tomorrow I'm going to Hillel, which is the Jewish group on campus which I belong to...I've only gone once before but now that I have more time, I'm attending the beautiful dinner that's being catered from a fancy restaraunt and then going to the Rosh Hashana service after. Because I don't care what some douchebag says about my belief in G-d anymore...

 

Thank G-d for my list, mother****ers.

 

Good for you.

 

The thing about this site is that everyone has a different perspective and are coming out of different avenues of hurt.

 

You are a mere 2 days in. Jeez, you need a list, a date on the calendar and an affirmation note on your fridge.

 

For what it is worth. I hear you and I think it is okay to do what you NEED to do.

 

Sometimes I wish I could post my list. However, no one want to see that sick stuff. You simply don't want it in your head. Besides, for me that was long ago and done with. (well, unless....insert psycho music)

 

Do whatever you need to do. At your core, you know you deserve better. Also, you are addressing issues that will make you a better person so ...awesome.

 

If you stick with no contact along with letting the break up motivate you to better yourself then you will most certainly come out of this stronger and better. If you do it right you will be able to attract and recognize a healthy partner when he does come along and when you are ready.

 

Until then heal and move forward. One step at a time.

 

Chin up.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Thanks. It sounds like your ex was quite the nasty one! I'm glad that you moved on from him. He sounds horrible.

 

I apologize to all about the mother****ers comment. I really didn't mean that. Honestly, I've just been experiencing a lot of anxiety, and unfortunately felt the need to take it out on an internet message board. You know what they say about the internet and anonyminity...anyway, I really still feel that my list is beneficial to me but other opinions may differ and that's perfectly okay. I wish everyone the best with their coping strategies and sorry if my prior words offended anyone. =)

[Trialbyfire]

Here's a list for what you're trying to battle and what you're doing about it:

 

1. Abusive relationship - breakup and leave

2. Alcohol abuse - AA

3. Abuse from old family friend and cycling abusive relationships - counseling

 

Sounds to me like you should be commended for attempting to take this all on at the same time. It's nice to see someone who's willing to admit there are issues that need to be rectified, therefore, taking a proactive role in correcting them. One thing I have no patience for is denial of issues and it's not what you're doing.

 

Make it right for yourself. You'll know when things feel right inside by that "click" deep down inside you that says "this feels like an honest decision to me".

[Curious139]

I think making your list is fine - good for you.

 

As for your religious beliefs and chastity - good for you as well. Nice to see someone with moral and spiritual values.

 

Joining groups and being around other people is definitely going to help too. Go for it. The pain won't disappear quickly but day by day you'll be better.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Thanks for your reply Curious. I appreciate it. =)

 

Well, I had the urge to contact a minute ago. Instead, I studied for my test and spent the last hour putting my hair in over night curlers for the dinner I'm going to tomorrow. And I signed up for an online friend site with locals...some of that is romantic related but I'm just looking for friendships right now. I have to do something to occupy my time, afterall. Basically, I'm busy during the day anyway what with working but now that I've broken up with my ex-bf, my evenings, especially weekends are kind of shot. I can't leave town during the weekends to visit my friends that live a few hours away (as much as I would love to once in awhile as I miss them dearly) because I work most every weekend...my ex and I had a really convenient schedule so I could make it back in time what with him being only 45 minutes away. I'm hoping that this will help launch me to meet new friends.

[dropdeadlegs]

Pfft!

 

There is nothing wrong with making a list of reasons why the relationship didn't work or wasn't compatible. I have suggested that very recently to another poster who was feeling compelled to reply to an ex who was suddenly making contact again. It strengthens your resolve at a time when you tend to feel so lonely that only the good things are remembered. As an outsider looking in, it was easy for me to remember someone's previous posts and see the misery and wonder how she could be considering contact. For that reason i suggested the list, which she then posted was very good for her, as even thinking about the list was making her ill.

 

In no way does it imply that you didn't contribute to any problems, or that it is done to avoid recognizing any personal culpability in the relationship's failure. Your particular list is disturbing, indeed ,and I cannot see how anyone could make the conclusions that checker made assuming he/she read your list.

 

Kudos to you for keeping the strength and remaining in NC mode. For some, even completely toxic relationships are hard to leave and I officially pat your back for having the guts. I understand that it is hard, especially when you have centered your life around this person. I have been guilty of doing that myself and it makes a breakup harder when you don't have much personal support.

 

You keep looking inward in addition to recognizing those toxic traits brought to your life by that man. During a breakup you should be doing exactly what you are doing, no contact and personal healing. It will help to prevent making poor choices and repeated mistakes.

 

Big hugs!

[Teacher's Pet]

With my ex, I wouldn't know where to begin. LOL

 

Should I start with her 70's-style hair? And I didn't JUST mean on her head.

 

-tp

welcome to the jungle

[underpants]

 

Should I start with her 70's-style hair? And I didn't JUST mean on her head.

 

-tp

welcome to the jungle

 

Did she feather her pubes?

[Teacher's Pet]

Did she feather her pubes?

 

The first time I slept with her, I needed a guide and a machete.

 

-tp

hellooooooooo?

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

She needs to go to Brazil and get a wax!

 

"Welcome to the jungle...we've got fun and games"

[Teacher's Pet]

She needs to go to Brazil and get a wax!

 

Madame Tusseau should have so much wax.

 

-tp

giggity!

[Teacher's Pet]

The first time I slept with her, I needed a guide and a machete.

 

....and dental floss for afterwards.

 

-tp

next time i want to eat something, i'll bring a sandwich.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

LOL Gross!

 

Does anyone know how much it costs to get your cell number changed? My plan is with Sprint if that helps. I tried looking this up but couldn't find anything.

 

Day 3 NC and hopefully going strong.

[dropdeadlegs]

Getting your number changed shouldn't be a problem, but there will probably be a fee involved, maybe a new activation fee. Isn't there a fee for everything in cellular service? They'll give you a free phone, but they'll charge you to "activate" it.

 

I was just reading your OP again and am pondering how a virgin can be a slut.

 

The things that make me go "hmmmm...."

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

I really want to just curl up in a ball. Today I started getting so angry and upset. I went over and over in my head all of the negative ways in which this man treated me and it makes me furious with myself for putting up with it as well as furious at him. I made up a letter I would write to him in my head to tell him how horribly he has treated me and how now I know that I deserve better. I'll no longer be someone's lap dog. Then it made me think of the negative ways that other men in my life have treated me and it made me want to address these matters to them, as well. Would that really make me feel better? Probably not. I've no idea. I'm so used to apologizing to people, guys especially, when it's not necessary for me to do so. I really just want everyone to know that not only do I now realize I shouldn't have apologized for half of what I did, but also that I no longer live my life that way.

 

I just feel so angry and sad today. Maybe this dinner tonight will cheer me up.

[underpants]

I really want to just curl up in a ball. Today I started getting so angry and upset. I went over and over in my head all of the negative ways in which this man treated me and it makes me furious with myself for putting up with it as well as furious at him. I made up a letter I would write to him in my head to tell him how horribly he has treated me and how now I know that I deserve better. I'll no longer be someone's lap dog. Then it made me think of the negative ways that other men in my life have treated me and it made me want to address these matters to them, as well. Would that really make me feel better? Probably not. I've no idea. I'm so used to apologizing to people, guys especially, when it's not necessary for me to do so. I really just want everyone to know that not only do I now realize I shouldn't have apologized for half of what I did, but also that I no longer live my life that way.

 

I just feel so angry and sad today. Maybe this dinner tonight will cheer me up.

 

 

It will get better. (I used to read that alot here and it made me mad...however, now I can tell you that ...It will get better)

 

As I recall day 4 was probably the hardest day for me. I got through it.

 

You ride the anger and then you have moments of reflection and hurt. I was mad at myself for a while because I let myself down by not leaving sooner.

 

What you are going through is normal.

 

Write all the letters you need to. Just please don't send any.

 

I even wrote myself an apology letter from my ex to me. He was never going to step up and address his issues so I just apologized to me for him. It was a beautiful letter.

 

Delete his email address so you are not even tempted. Also, changing your phone number is a good idea.

 

Have fun at your dinner and just keep your eye on your future.

[dropdeadlegs]

Yes, write as many letters as you need, but don't send them.

 

You are showing such strength! Revel in that!

 

As addicts hit a rock bottom, so do those with self esteem and abuse have flick of the switch moments (if they're lucky.) Sometimes it takes a lot of mistakes, even the same mistake over and over, for things to become clear. Be happy that the fog is lifting because this is the start of a whole new beginning in addition to an end of the old stinkin' thinkin'.

 

I have to add that while some days of posting on LS are bummers because I see so little progress in so many, but today has been a banner day for the posts I subscribe to. You are a big part of that.

 

Get mad, be sad, but keep moving forward.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Thanks unders and dropdeadlegs. I really appreciate both of your support!

 

Well, the day turned into night and has been going better. I made a lot of friends at the dinner I went to tonite, thankfully. Now I have weekend plans after work and a bi-weekly knitting group that a girl I met there asked me to join. That should be cool since I've always wanted to learn how to knit but was never taught. And tomorrow I'll be busy all day working on a paper that's due Friday, so that should be somewhat distracting. I actually feel so much better just getting out and mingling with people again. You know what, honestly last night I was scared out of my mind cause I couldn't picture actually going out and doing that again...I cried alone in my room thinking that I wasn't going to be able to live my life again. I thought I wouldn't remember how, as strange as that seems since I've always had a group of close friends everywhere I've gone. I honestly think socializing is like riding a bike...once you know how to do it and have succeeded in doing it in the past, even if you take a break, once you do it again, you're generally always successful. I'm happy to be able to make new friends here.

[NorCalDave]

All I have to say is hang in there. I'll do the same.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Wow, I also wanted to add that I received an e-mail from one of the rabbi's whom was at my group meeting tonite. This e-mail was sent to everyone in our group and I feel it emphasizes how this time of the year (Rosh Hashanah--the Jewish New Year) is the time for new beginnings. This is exactly what I'm going through in my life!

 

"I have come to view this time of year as a great time to step back and take stock; Am I living the life I want to live? Are my priorities in line with the teachings of my faith. How great it is to have a time to really look at our lives and think how a supreme being might view us...This idea of a spiritual accounting as some call it can only serve to strengthen you and help you find the balance you need in life. So please take the time between now and Yom Kippur to sit back for a few minutes each day and just reflect on what you are doing all of us have been given a wonderful opportunity to be part of a great college community lets make sure we all take advantage of it."

 

These words really inspired me because ironically, as this New Year begins, I'm also creating a new life for myself. I think regardless of what religion one follows, most religions state that it's just as imperative to treat yourself with respect as it is to treat others' with respect. I generally treat all with respect; this year is the time to do this for myself as well.

[Lizzie60]

This has always been my advice...

When you need to move on... just remember what went bad...what you didn't like... but to write it, is even better..

Good for you!

You are on your way to a better life! You go girl!

 

Good luck... don't give up!

[dropdeadlegs]

XxX B2BXxX

Today has been a day full of "aha moments" on my LS subscribed threads and your last post is just an addition to that.

 

You are really getting out there and joining groups, and certainly finding new friends. that takes a lot of guts. It is sooo much easier to sit at home and wallow in misery and I am very impressed.

 

You go, girl, you just go. You don't need my advice. You're doing just fine on your own!

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Thanks Lizzie, NCD, and DropDeadLegs.

 

I'm having a really weak moment. I think it's because I'm really stressed at the moment. I have a 5 paged paper due tomorrow, which doesn't sound like a lot but I've only started the first page. I also have a quiz tomorrow which I didn't know about until earlier today. Ay. Whenever I get stressed, I always feel the urge to do something drastic. I almost went on MSN and contacted my ex. I'm fighting the urge to do this right now. I think I'm on NC Day 4 if I remember correctly and I really don't wanna ruin it. I'm taking a break from my studies for now 'cause if I don't, I feel as if my brain will explode...ugh, what's a girl to do?