what do i do...i overreacted.

[Spoonandfork22]

my bf and i were at a party this weekend and his ex was there, we still share some mutual friends with her so no surprise. we didnt know she was going to be there and had no control over the stuation. however, i totally thought i would be able to handle it, her being there, and i couldnt. and i made an ass out of myself. i just hung out with her a few weekeds ago and now here i am angry that shes trying to be nice to me!!

 

as soon as i saw her i shut down. my bf was doing everything in his power to include me and make me feel comfortable and i just got more angry at him for talking to her. she picked up on this and started flirting with him which made the situation worse. so the whole night i avoided both of them which pushed them together and made me more upset.

 

like i said, my bf was trying to talk to me and make me feel better but for the life of me i could NOT control my jealousy!! all i wanted to do was say 'stop flirting with her! im standing right here!'...even worse, he told her i was upset she was there and then i actually couldnt hang out wtih them at all b.c. i felt i was in high school. he ended up leaving the party to avoid the 'drama' which i understand, i was acting childish.

 

we spoke yesterday and i apologized for my behavior, it had just been such a long time since i saw them together and i instantly felt threatened. i told him im fine if they hang out as long as im there *i know now how to handle the situation*, he swore they werent going to hang out ever again b.c. i cant handle it, which i understand my actions demonstrated. a part of me wants to talk to her and apologize b.c. i really do want to move ahead and put all this behind me, i want all of us to be able to hang out in a social setting, but a part of me says screw it and go day by day, but i really do feel stupid now that i acted like that in front of my bf his ex AND my friends.

 

can i solve this???

[BlueEyedSarah]

I think whats done is done, you apolergised to your boyfriend, thats good, but don't drag it on by apolergising to everyone else who was at this bar/party. Like I said whats done is done, forget about it and learn from your mistakes.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

so? what's wrong with that? you didn't like being around his ex and him. that's very normal.

 

it seems to me you wouldn't feel so threatened if your boyfriend made more of an effort to be on your side about it. he didn't have to spend so much time talking to her, he could have ended it when she started flirting with him right in front of you. he didn't.

 

sure, it probably annoyed him that you were acting sulky and jealous, but he knew the reason why and he did nothing to stop it. he could have said "if you're that uncomfortable, i don't mind leaving, we can find something else to do tonight." he didn't.

 

so now he's trying to make you feel bad by pulling the "nope, you're a spoiled little baby, so now i am sacrificing my time with my ex because of you". he is acting like this is the ultimate sacrifice and he is doing you a favour, when this is clearly what is going to make your relationship work better and fix a problem. if he cared about you and your relationship, he wouldn't make his decisions in favour of his ex all the time, especially when he knows how it affects you.

 

it's nice that they aren't enemies, but they're exes and now he is in a new relationship. he should realize that he is with you now, and anytime he makes a decision that seems like it's for his ex and not you, you're going to react.

 

from what i read, it sounds like he still has interest in hanging out with the ex, for whatever reason, and your getting in the way of it makes him unhappy. that's a red flag. it doesn't have to mean he wants to be with her or sleep with her, but it does show where your feelings are in his list of priorities.

[annabelle75]

so? what's wrong with that? you didn't like being around his ex and him. that's very normal.

 

it seems to me you wouldn't feel so threatened if your boyfriend made more of an effort to be on your side about it. he didn't have to spend so much time talking to her, he could have ended it when she started flirting with him right in front of you. he didn't.

 

sure, it probably annoyed him that you were acting sulky and jealous, but he knew the reason why and he did nothing to stop it. he could have said "if you're that uncomfortable, i don't mind leaving, we can find something else to do tonight." he didn't.

 

so now he's trying to make you feel bad by pulling the "nope, you're a spoiled little baby, so now i am sacrificing my time with my ex because of you". he is acting like this is the ultimate sacrifice and he is doing you a favour, when this is clearly what is going to make your relationship work better and fix a problem. if he cared about you and your relationship, he wouldn't make his decisions in favour of his ex all the time, especially when he knows how it affects you.

 

it's nice that they aren't enemies, but they're exes and now he is in a new relationship. he should realize that he is with you now, and anytime he makes a decision that seems like it's for his ex and not you, you're going to react.

 

from what i read, it sounds like he still has interest in hanging out with the ex, for whatever reason, and your getting in the way of it makes him unhappy. that's a red flag. it doesn't have to mean he wants to be with her or sleep with her, but it does show where your feelings are in his list of priorities.

 

Did you even read her post?

 

He did try to make her feel better and stand by her side. She shut down and was avoiding him. He did try to include her in the conversations. And when all els efailed he took her and left the party. he then said he would never hang out with his ex-gf again because he knew she couldn't handle. No where does she say he wa smean to her or tried to make her feel guilty about it. Go back and read it before you post. What you just said doesn't even resemble what she posted.

 

Sounds to me like the guy handled the situation pretty well. All she can really do is apologize to him and try not to let it get to her in the future. You never know how you will react seeing your bf/gf conversing with their ex. Sometimes it can feel like a punch to the gut even if you have nothing to be jealous off. She shouldn't beat herself up too much over having a natural reaction that many of us have had. She may have overreacted, but its alright as long as she acknowledges it and tries to keep herself in check in the future.

[squeak]

my bf and i were at a party this weekend and his ex was there, we still share some mutual friends with her so no surprise. we didnt know she was going to be there and had no control over the stuation. however, i totally thought i would be able to handle it, her being there, and i couldnt. and i made an ass out of myself. i just hung out with her a few weekeds ago and now here i am angry that shes trying to be nice to me!!

 

It's hard trying to backpedal and be stand offish when it was buddy buddy, We all make mistakes, it's okay. It sounds like you handled it the best you could.

 

as soon as i saw her i shut down. my bf was doing everything in his power to include me and make me feel comfortable and i just got more angry at him for talking to her. she picked up on this and started flirting with him which made the situation worse. so the whole night i avoided both of them which pushed them together and made me more upset.

 

Next time after a few seconds of chit chat you could have an "out" by turning to your BF and saying:

"honey-I'm hungry-let's go to the food area (insert any excuse to go to an area politly where she is not there)" then say "bye" calmly and leave her as you walk away with BF.

 

I don't think you "pushed them together" but it did give her an opening she may not have had otherwise. But no damage was done.

 

like i said, my bf was trying to talk to me and make me feel better but for the life of me i could NOT control my jealousy!! all i wanted to do was say 'stop flirting with her! im standing right here!'...even worse, he told her i was upset she was there and then i actually couldnt hang out wtih them at all b.c. i felt i was in high school. he ended up leaving the party to avoid the 'drama' which i understand, i was acting childish.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself, it was a bad situation that spiralled out of control, I think it is best to really keep run ins very very verey short where the 2 of you are concerned. Now you know, just have an exit excuse.

 

And you said she was flirting with him when she saw you were uncomforable---

did he flirt back or did you take it that him not walking away was flirting back????

That is important distinction.

 

we spoke yesterday and i apologized for my behavior, it had just been such a long time since i saw them together and i instantly felt threatened. i told him im fine if they hang out as long as im there *i know now how to handle the situation*, he swore they werent going to hang out ever again b.c. i cant handle it, which i understand my actions demonstrated. a part of me wants to talk to her and apologize b.c. i really do want to move ahead and put all this behind me, i want all of us to be able to hang out in a social setting, but a part of me says screw it and go day by day, but i really do feel stupid now that i acted like that in front of my bf his ex AND my friends.

 

Don't talk to her-oh please don't spoonandfork!!

 

What could you possibly say? Don't play your hand to her. Never ever ever let another woman know you are threatened by her, I suspect you may be an "open book" type, which is a nice trait, but I think she has already shown she is good at finding your weak points and causing trouble. You can't control her, only yourself.

 

I don't really believe in showdowns either, but then again, I don't know everything.

 

Also, at least he did not say he wanted to hang out with her -sounded like you were the one offering if he wanted to that was fine as long as you were around? Right?

 

Jusy have an exit game plan next time, I'm sure your BF will walk away with you. I would have a problem if he didn't and deliberately stayed, but that hasn't happened so .....be easy on yourself!

[KenzieAbsolutely]

Did you even read her post?

 

He did try to make her feel better and stand by her side. She shut down and was avoiding him. He did try to include her in the conversations. And when all els efailed he took her and left the party. he then said he would never hang out with his ex-gf again because he knew she couldn't handle. No where does she say he wa smean to her or tried to make her feel guilty about it. Go back and read it before you post. What you just said doesn't even resemble what she posted.

 

 

i did it read it. i guess i interpreted it very differently than you did.

 

she did mention he tried to make her feel better, but when it really came down to it, IN MY OPINION, is that he could have done more. anything else i could say would only be repetition from my other post.

 

sorry for the confusion. it just seemed to me that no matter what he was doing to make her feel better wasn't working--she WAS shutting down and she was miserable.he knew it, and yet they stayed, and he talked with his ex and let her flirt with him, and probably flirted back, knowing all the while how she felt about it. he also had no business telling the ex anything about his current girlfriend's personal feelings.

 

and then it seems he left on his own. it was bizarre to me, that's all.

 

but please don't try to insinuate that i am an illiterate idiot because i didn't see it the way you did.

[Cobra_X30]

but please don't try to insinuate that i am an illiterate idiot because i didn't see it the way you did.

 

I didnt see that in her post?

 

You seem to be chasing windmills today... granted all things are subject to interpretation... just not that much interpretation!

 

That said I agree with your original idea. Mr. BFw/anEX, needs to step up and fix that situation. He should have taken you somewhere else or taken some kind of action.

[Flyin in Clouds]

...

it seems to me you wouldn't feel so threatened if your boyfriend made more of an effort to be on your side about it. he didn't have to spend so much time talking to her, he could have ended it when she started flirting with him right in front of you. he didn't.

I agree with KA. absolutely! He could have shot his ex down, made a fool of her for your benifit. He didn't. He's a jerk. You are the one and only who's feelings he needs to be concerned with. And if he's not making you feel that way... he's a jerk.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

I didnt see that in her post?

 

You seem to be chasing windmills today...

 

'scuse me?

 

didn't know you knew me so well as to know i am like 'today'.

 

 

and i was referring to the comments about my not having read the post and my thoughts having little to no relevance. so, yeah, that part.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

I agree with KA. absolutely! He could have shot his ex down, made a fool of her for your benifit. He didn't. He's a jerk. You are the one and only who's feelings he needs to be concerned with. And if he's not making you feel that way... he's a jerk.

 

i don't know about all that, but he should have at least put the girlfriend's feelings before the ex's.

[Spoonandfork22]

please dont insinuate my bf is a jerk, hes one of the nicest people i know. and i didnt expect him to ignore her when she talked to him or act like a 15 year old and say 'please leave me alone'...he is allowed to have conversations and i trust him to do so. i realize she was being disrespectful by flirting with him but he did what he could to curb that, she just felt the need to continue and he ended up leaving the party.

 

this weekend we are having a going away party for a colleague of mine who is moving away, and all of our friends will be there. the ex is friends with this person and i feel that maybe i should let her know about the party, incase she wants to stop by. am i extending the olive branch a little too far?

 

i think that by doing this i want to prove ot my bf that im not that posessive gf and that i can handle it if shes around. i just dont want to worry about conflict....maybe im too nice? i want everyone to be able to be mature about it. i know they work together so i know she will find out about it. i know i can handle myself this time...at least i think i can. i can try my hardest at least. i just want my bf to see that im not crazy i guess. that i can be the bigger person.

 

any thoughts?

[squeak]

Don't invite her. You don't have to prove anything. Repeat that to yourself. Being confident with who you are is NOT having to feel you need to prove anything.

 

I used to subject myself to people in my BF's circle I did not like for good reason to prove how cool I was, and all that.

 

I realized---I didn't have to prove anything-quite the opposite-- proving something to anyone puts you in a servile position. Either he will love you for you, or not.

 

But don't choose to make that love contingent on showing you can get along with this inappropriate girl.

 

Stand up for your convictions, stay consistent and maybe he will follow your lead. What kind of message are you giving him after freaking out for him to not be in contact with her but then inviting her to this party she does not have to be invited to?

 

That kind of vacillation will only discredit you. And who would you really be doing that for??

I don't believe it will be for yourself....

 

I'd rather be respected and stand for my convictions, within reason, then have everyone think I'm "nice". In a situation like this-choose respect.

 

Spponandfork--She'll just try to flirt with him again-why are thinking of deliberately subjecting yourself to this?? Don't you want to choose fun over strain? Choose healthy over unhealthy?

 

I want you to sit down and make a list of how she behaved each time your BF was concerned...go ahead, just do it.

 

Now look at it, and don't rationalize for her. Keep that piece of paper and look at it whenever you get thoughts about some imaginary "getting along" where she is concerned to prove something to your BF. You don't have to prove anything.

 

Try having a good time, just fun. That will leave a much stronger impression on your relationship .

[tinke]

so you see now....the last girl's night out may have opened the door enough whereas she feels comfortable gliding in.

 

NO...you DO NOT owe her any apologies..c'mon now! that will only validate any suspicions of hers that she is a threat. stand behind and own your feelings...you are entitled to them! first, it was very catty of her to flirt with him in front of you..but...your reaction proved she has power. so, how to remedy? forget her! focus on you and him! your behavior will only heighten his interest that maybe the other woman is something to think about. it may be it is YOUR reaction that may initiate his thoughts of her. so, i feel it is best to leave it alone (the whole apology, and on and on). you acting as if she has the power, only secures her thinking that she just may.

 

he may be a wonderful man, however, knowing you were upset about the situation, he could have discontinued his discussion with her after the small chit chat. you could have diverted his attention elsewhere, pulled him aside and mildly spoke of your discomfort. but, we all keep learning. so for now, ok, it's a done deal. but i would say....the more you bring her up, the more his attention may wander to HER. you had apologized to him, but he should do so, equally.

 

the party...why, oh why, would you invite trouble??????

if it is a situation where you all must be present, why not say your best wishes and leave. in any case, at least keep your cool, and remember your status with YOUR MAN.

if she begins to flirt, she is only degrading herself.......KEEP COOL, and politely distract the situation, then leave!

 

do you have reason to mistrust him?????

[popey]

please dont insinuate my bf is a jerk, hes one of the nicest people i know. and i didnt expect him to ignore her when she talked to him or act like a 15 year old and say 'please leave me alone'...he is allowed to have conversations and i trust him to do so. i realize she was being disrespectful by flirting with him but he did what he could to curb that, she just felt the need to continue and he ended up leaving the party.

 

this weekend we are having a going away party for a colleague of mine who is moving away, and all of our friends will be there. the ex is friends with this person and i feel that maybe i should let her know about the party, incase she wants to stop by. am i extending the olive branch a little too far?

 

i think that by doing this i want to prove ot my bf that im not that posessive gf and that i can handle it if shes around. i just dont want to worry about conflict....maybe im too nice? i want everyone to be able to be mature about it. i know they work together so i know she will find out about it. i know i can handle myself this time...at least i think i can. i can try my hardest at least. i just want my bf to see that im not crazy i guess. that i can be the bigger person.

 

any thoughts?

 

NO YOU SHOULD NOT INVITE HER! She flirted w/ your bf... worse, - in your face when she realized you were feeling vulnerable. She's disrespectful and not your friend, nor his.

 

You are right to not want to restrain your bf from enjoying approprieat relationships w/ other people. You are right to care to not respond poorly to the presence of someone that makes you feel threatened. But SHE is wrong to flirt w/ your bf. And HE is wrong to continue to talk to her when you are obviously upset, and she is obviously flirting.

 

Stop making excuses for others, and blaming yourself.

[chimuffin]

i understand how you feel. I have to deal with an EX wife all the time ( kids ) and it sucks! She trys pretty hard to bug me but i never ever let her see it.

I DO let my BF know what it is i expect from him and what behavior i will tolerate.

So that said.....suck it up. Let the BF know that there is really no need to stand around and chit chat with an ex half the night. He wouldn't like it if you did that with an ex of yours.

This will prob always be a problem...but it may not be so bad since they dont have kids..etc

Dont feel bad for the past. I dont think it was that bad.

[MystifiedByMen]

If anyone should say sorry, it's her because of her un-classy behavior. Don't invite her because she will only do that same thing over and over because people like her have low self esteems and fuel their self worth by doing nasty things like she did. She should be the one to call you and apologize.

[love necessity]

Ok...I'm kind of confused:rolleyes:...

 

You said that she was flirting, so I can understand why you were upset. Yet on the other hand you're acting like her behavior was alright with you, because in your post you keep mentioning "feeling bad" and saying that you want to "apologize" to her...

 

Did you see them flirt or not?

 

It's one thing to get upset because his ex was at a party and you felt threatened and jealous by her,

 

and it's another if she actually flirted w/ him, and was acting like she still liked him...

 

I don't think you should have gotten mad at them for her being there, if she didn't show any interest, but if she was acting clingy and flirty, than yeah, you have every right to be concerned..

 

To tell you the truth, I don't think I could handle my man hanging out w/ an ex either, so I don't blame you...

 

On the other hand, you probably don't want to seem controlling or "jealous", so you got to choose your words wisely...

 

How old are you and how long have you been w/ your SO and how long have they been split up?

[love necessity]

If anyone should say sorry, it's her because of her un-classy behavior. Don't invite her because she will only do that same thing over and over because people like her have low self esteems and fuel their self worth by doing nasty things like she did. She should be the one to call you and apologize.

 

 

I agree w/ you that she might have "low-selfesteem", especially since she shut down when all he was trying to do was make her feel comfortable... If I was in her situation I would have felt a little competitive and uncomfortable too!

 

I mean she didn't feel in control, and that is normal. However, the way she handled the situation, was childish. If I was in her shoes the first thing I would've done was stepped it up a notch...Basically show his ex that I'm not on playing games and that he's mine and you can't have him...I have done everything in my power to be right in the middle...of EVERYTHING...I also would've kissed on him, danced w/ him, hung out w/ him the whole night too, just to keep my eye on him and her....I wouldn't act optimistic about my SO and his ex being at a party together...Especially when there is alcohol involved...

 

However, she shut down, showing his ex that they may be having problems, which would be the vulnerable time for her SO...I think the next time she is invited to a party and his ex happens to be there..I wouldn't treat her like crap, but I'm not going to act like she's my bf either...Why would anyone want to be bf's w/ their bf's ex anyway? That's just setting yourself for failure...All you really need to do is be civil, and that'll get you by just fine...

 

I personally trust my SO just fine, but that doesn't mean that I trust anyone else, especially any of my SO's exes...People are scandalous these days, so it's no wonder we have to stand on guard, protecting what's ares, it's just in our nature.

[squeak]

If I was in her shoes the first thing I would've done was stepped it up a notch...Basically show his ex that I'm not on playing games and that he's mine and you can't have him...I have done everything in my power to be right in the middle...of EVERYTHING...I also would've kissed on him, danced w/ him, hung out w/ him the whole night too, just to keep my eye on him and her....I wouldn't act optimistic about my SO and his ex being at a party together...Especially when there is alcohol involved...

 

However, she shut down, showing his ex that they may be having problems, which would be the vulnerable time for her SO...I think the next time she is invited to a party and his ex happens to be there..I wouldn't treat her like crap, but I'm not going to act like she's my bf either...Why would anyone want to be bf's w/ their bf's ex anyway? That's just setting yourself for failure...All you really need to do is be civil, and that'll get you by just fine...

 

I personally trust my SO just fine, but that doesn't mean that I trust anyone else, especially any of my SO's exes...People are scandalous these days, so it's no wonder we have to stand on guard, protecting what's ares, it's just in our nature.

 

Great great advice LN!

Let me ask you/other posters a question-because I can't figure out which is better to do for Spoonand fork's situation, or in general when faced with inappropriate women.

 

I think hugging on him and hanging over him is really good-by being inseperable it does not give her a chance to touch/lean on him, and sets the tone.

 

I've observed other girls do the "putting arms around his neck extra affectionate show" when they saw their boyfriend/spouse was being hit on by another woman, at a party- but I was not so sure that was a good move as it really showed they were reacting to the poacher coming on to their man. I think displaying a show of territorialism is good, but also showing fear/being threatened enough to react is bad.

 

Which do you think is a better approach and why? Because on the one hand , yes you want to give Ms. Skeezy a message and make her uncomfortable, on the other, Spoon and Fork doesn't want to show she is overly threatened. A balance between the two-but how??? Perhaps being overly affectionate is the best way, but it is best if her BF understands implicitly he has to return it to her in front of this ex of his.

 

It could look bad if he just passively accepts her attention while not really returning it, worst case scenario.

 

By the way-yes everything else LN and others pointed out-be cold/civil to the ex, never friendly/welcoming. People are scandalous these days.

[tinke]

Divert And Lead...................... (away).

[Spoonandfork22]

good point Squeak. i think thats why i wanted to invite her to our get together, because i wanted a 'do over', i wanted to show my bf that i could be civil and not over-react in her prescense. that being said, i didnt invite her and the party went on without a hitch and my bf had a fantastic night together, drama free.

 

but that it a very good point - how do you have that happy medium without #1 being overly posessive or #2 being too withdrawn? i feel like there is no happy medium. and i dont want to be that girl who cant handle the ex..although i know i shouldnt be comfortable with those situations, i SHOULD be able to handle them if they happen.

 

As ive posted about before....she turns 21 soon and i KNOW she will be going to the bars, she has already made it a point to my bf & his roomate that she 'has no one to go with' and would like THEM to take her out with them. not gonna happen...but it worries me. just another situation with alcohol, another situation i might have to be in. i dont know if i will be able to handle them in a bar setting.

 

i need to learn how to curb these feelings.

[squeak]

I don't think you need to learn to curb your feelings, BE FIRM and tell him you are not comfortable hanging out with her and want to have some boundaries in place he will not go with her at all!

 

And also to let you know if she does ask him, so you can even follow up with a phone call to her telling her "you don't appreciate her asking and he already said no!"

 

It is wise to do that after he said no to create a united front with your BF.

 

But he has to agree on that he won't hang out with her, no matter how much she begs. It is kind of up to your boyfriend to have boundaries with her, and he nneds to show you he can do that.

 

You really need to mentally prepare yourself to walk if worst case scenario he goes with her after agreeing to you he won't. Look at it like a big loyalty test. Don't go in screaming and hysterical, but calmly tell him your concerns about her turning 21, and what you expect from him should she pressure him to go with her.

 

But you also need to be strong and not invite her in by being all palsy with her then expect him to do all the dirty work, okay? Don't worry about do overs, that is not important!!

 

He already is not in contact with her so if he values you, and your feelings he will def agree to do whatever it takes to make you feel comfortable. If not, it is better to know sooner rather than later. I think it will work out of you communicate this all to him, at a good time. It is possible she is just psyching you out, but you seem to have a good grasp of what is to come, so talk to him about it.

 

She can only enter into your lives as much as you or he let her, remember that, you both really need to come to a final conclusion about a plan of action so she stays out.

 

I'm glad you had fun no drama and wisely did not invite her. Now keep up the good work!

[popey]

Spoon- good news about the party. As for the future, if you and your bf talk enough, he should do most of the conduct adjustment to make you feel comfortable around a poorly behaving ex. Also, come to an understanding with him about how you will calmly and quietly let him know if you are uncomfortable in the future- should you end up at the same social gathering again. Then he will know to make the necessary change, or get you out of there if need be. That's not to much to expect.