curious on woman's perspective

[travelingwilbury]

I will try and keep short. I am a 43 and currently separated since April of this year.

 

There is this woman I had a brief fling with 3 years ago. We remained friends. She would occasionally show interest on my situation. I always "liked" her but due to situation and fact that I enjoyed her company we would occasionally go to lunch and remained friends.

 

Anyway....I have grown little tired of being the one to initiate contact all the time. Figuring that she must feel awkward and would rather not be friends. I am the type, if she said she wasnt interested in keeping friendship, I would be gone. I have occasionally questioned this and get excuses.....low time in her life.....busy, etc. In october 2006 i got frustrated in trying to get a lunch with her.......I would ask, she would say she would check her schedule, and month or so goes by, and i ask again....I finally told her to give my spot to someone else.......and I was not planning on contacting again.......xmas comes, she emails, saying she was thinking of me, etc.......maybe catch up with drink.

 

Well....from xmas on to now, back to being a pain in ass as far as scheduling a lunch or whatever. I initiate all contact basically. And understand, two months can go by before I call or email , I am not pestering her. So, I recently wrote her this email last week.......

Now, the frustrating part is that I try to communicate.....just tell me what you think.......and she doesnt ever tell me. I think she probably wont answer this.

 

So my question.....from a womans' perspective.........why would you not answer. Seems kinda mean. It is the not knowing part that drives me crazy. And please, not looking for questions on my separation etc......this is my only question.

 

In fact....here is email I sent.

 

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]I could ask you a lot of specific questions on why this or why that. But it really boils down to this.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Arial][/FONT][FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]First, I would have rather had a real discussion with you in person. And, not sure if writing this at this time is the right way to go. But as much as you are probably tired of me trying……..I am getting tired, I'm just not good at one way friendships. There is nothing in it for me. I can not expect emails, or lunch invites, or phone calls………..I call, and get five minutes on an egg timer and this can be after not talking with you for two or three months. If I happen to run into you on the mall, you don’t stop to chat. Hell, just had my birthday, and did not hear anything from you. When I invite you to lunch or to catch up with a drink, it takes, as you say, Bloody Hell, to ever set it up. It just doesn’t seem like you are interested. I guess it is awkward for you. Maybe women can not be friends once you cross the line. [/sIZE][/FONT]

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[/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]I have always liked you. Never really changed from when I first met you. I was ok with settling for friendship because I enjoyed your company and because I was married. I have developed a mental list over the years of what I like in a woman……..smartass, intelligent, good looking, etc. I have concluded that is why I like you as much as I do. You have many qualitities of what I am looking for in a woman. [/sIZE][/FONT]

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[/sIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]I attempted to clarify on several occasions…………tell me your not interested and I will go away. I may be a pain in the ass regarding not giving up ……..but if you told me you’re not interested, I would not bother you again.

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[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]I am smart enough to realize some of the probable reasons for you avoiding me . Why waste/invest time with someone still married? That it is too awkward for you. Or then again, maybe you just really don’t enjoy me anymore and don’t want to hurt my feelings. Or maybe I have bad breath. Maybe your involved with someone else. Anything is possible. I have enough common sense to understand these reasons. But…….they are just educated guesses. If I were at Vegas, I would definitely bet something is up other then you being busy or on edge or at a low time in your life, etc. [/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]So……why the hell am I telling you all this? Well, I thought I would try some actual real communication. No more guessing and reading things from how we interact. No more guessing what you are thinking. I do not just want to get pissed off and leave. Even if I do not hear what I want.......at least I know!

 

I am on my own now as I told you. My marriage was heading in this direction for a lot longer then I knew you. You once mentioned in an email……that you can not see staying in a marriage without passion. Well…….that is the main reason I left(not you telling me but from me already knowing there was little passion on my side). I realize that in these last 10 years or so, that feeling has been growing inside me. And my logical side tells me it may be a myth that there is a passionate match out there that can last. But I guess I will take that chance. I guess, in the back of my mind, I had you pegged as someone I would be very interested in exploring a relationship down the road. [/sIZE][/FONT]

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[/sIZE][/FONT]Would you at all be interested in exploring too?

 

Anyway..........as much as I am the type to be upfront , I know it goes against your nature to lay your cards on the table. But I would pay money just to know!! Hell.......I am taking the chance of making myself look silly......again!

And look at the bright side............if your not interested..........you can put an end to me bothering you! If you are interested, maybe towards end of year I can buy you a drink

[norajane]

Um, maybe she's not that into you, and doesn't quite know how to say it without hurting your feelings? Not answering email, avoiding your calls, avoiding meeting you...she probably figured you'd get the hint....

[EnigmaXOXO]

Um, maybe she's not that into you, and doesn't quite know how to say it without hurting your feelings? Not answering email, avoiding your calls, avoiding meeting you...she probably figured you'd get the hint....

 

I second that.

[JCD]

I third that. You're trying too hard and she doesn't.

[dropdeadlegs]

I'm not so quick to assume.

 

I think since you were married it could be that she felt uncomfortable with that situation. You have been separated for 5 months, and I would still be reticent to engage with a man not fully divorced and clearly moving on. It's too easy to be a rebound, even with past history.

 

While your OP gave a good bit of info, I think there is a lot more to the story. That makes it difficult to ascertain the situation fully.

 

I will not ask questions about your marriage/separation (specifically the length of your marriage) as per your request, but I feel that all has not been disclosed.

 

Something doesn't feel right.

[Cad Rake]

Um, maybe she's not that into you,

 

Nora, you hit the nail on the head yet again. Totally agree.

 

Dude, you're being a spaz. She has little to no interest in you. And now, after that email, she has LESS than zero interest in you.. she has negative interest (distaste) in you. Forget about her.

[popey]

I very slightly dissagree with the others. Her interest in you is the ability to have her ego stroked by the fact that you will persist in pursuing her, and the ability to call on you at her whim, no matter how much time has passed or how many times she's ignored you since. Sorry, but you should forget about her. If you stop contacting her, she'll either do the same, or reach out to you. If its the former; you know where you stand for sure. If its the latter, assume she just wants some attnetion and deal accordingly.

[travelingwilbury]

I'm not so quick to assume.

 

I think since you were married it could be that she felt uncomfortable with that situation. You have been separated for 5 months, and I would still be reticent to engage with a man not fully divorced and clearly moving on. It's too easy to be a rebound, even with past history.

 

While your OP gave a good bit of info, I think there is a lot more to the story. That makes it difficult to ascertain the situation fully.

 

I will not ask questions about your marriage/separation (specifically the length of your marriage) as per your request, but I feel that all has not been disclosed.

 

Something doesn't feel right.

 

 

I chose your post to respond to because you have the best avatar!! (not sure what other part of story would help?)

 

I agree with just about all the posts to some degree........

 

And, I am mad at myself..............back in Oct of 06 when I got annoyed enough because she kept putting me off..........I was not going to contact her again.........it would have been behind me already.........but she emails me at xmas 06, saying ......."i know you are probably past perturbed with me, but if your not, give me a call and we will go out for a beer and catch up......"

 

And we did end up going to dinner (Feb 07). Went fine, only thing to mention......towards end of night, she did get little agitated when the discussion of why i found it so hard to leave home. Once outside bar, she made B line for car without much concern for saying goodbye.

 

Soooo.......I engaged again...........keeping my contact to a minimum.......sometimes few months inbetween a call or email.........but dont like that it was all me to initiate which I dont like.....

 

Sooooooo, I tried one last explanation to her in hopes she would settle the question once and for all....

 

So, yes, I feel stupid for trying like I did.............But sh_t.......my logical side (male thinking) thinks......if i ask you directly ......I will know for sure........I almost wanted to know the answer more then caring if she was still interested or not............but I keep forgetting......she is not going to answer me!

 

One last bit of info........she left for another job in march 06, I had lunch with her and told her I was separating at end of march..........I ended up not leaving, not till april 07............I also think she was interested at one point but I took too dam long to leave

[norajane]

Maybe when you contact her to say, my divorce is final and the papers are all signed, she might answer you...if she's still single.

[Cad Rake]

usually I agree with you but here I'd have to disagree Nora. The chick ain't interested. Especially after that last email he wrote. No way no how.

[travelingwilbury]

usually I agree with you but here I'd have to disagree Nora. The chick ain't interested. Especially after that last email he wrote. No way no how.

 

 

You did read that I was asking for a womans' perspective right?

[dropdeadlegs]

This is one woman's perspective. I can't say it is hers, obviously, it's only mine.

 

The "more to the story" I alluded to is whether or not your brief fling 3 years ago occurred before or during your courtship/marriage time period. I also now wonder if you were coworkers at one point (not that it really matters, but you mentioned new employment in March '06 and she might have left to avoid an emotional, or physical, affair.) You are not required to satisfy my curiosity, but I feel the answers are important to the possibilities of what she is feeling/thinking.

 

I'm getting the vibe that your experiences with this woman took place at a time when you were promised to another. Even though are no longer in that position, she may be hesitant to get involved based on past knowledge and experiences. I think she was interested at some point, but not willing to engage in something (even if she actually did at one time) that involves infidelity of some kind. In February, when you had dinner, you say that there was discussion of why you hadn't fully left your marriage yet. I'm reading her subsequent actions as indication that she was not interested in being "the other woman" but that she was still interested in you. It took 13 months from your last statement of intended separation (March '06) until you actually separated (April '07). She had to protect her heart in the meantime. She kept her distance to avoid a moral complication, or to see some action to be able to believe you. Now you are separated, but that may not be enough for her to fully engage, and with the passage of time there could be a new interest, as well.

 

In short, you kind of dragged your heels and said one thing while doing another. She may not trust you at your word anymore. It might take considerable time (and a legal divorce) to get her attention again, assuming she isn't otherwise engaged (not literally, but possible.)

 

I'm not asking you to give any further information, just making many some assumptions and trying to assist.

 

(And I honestly wish the legs in the avatar were mine!)

[Cad Rake]

You did read that I was asking for a womans' perspective right?

 

No missed that part sorry dude

[travelingwilbury]

This is one woman's perspective. I can't say it is hers, obviously, it's only mine.

 

The "more to the story" I alluded to is whether or not your brief fling 3 years ago occurred before or during your courtship/marriage time period. I also now wonder if you were coworkers at one point (not that it really matters, but you mentioned new employment in March '06 and she might have left to avoid an emotional, or physical, affair.) You are not required to satisfy my curiosity, but I feel the answers are important to the possibilities of what she is feeling/thinking.

 

I'm getting the vibe that your experiences with this woman took place at a time when you were promised to another. Even though are no longer in that position, she may be hesitant to get involved based on past knowledge and experiences. I think she was interested at some point, but not willing to engage in something (even if she actually did at one time) that involves infidelity of some kind. In February, when you had dinner, you say that there was discussion of why you hadn't fully left your marriage yet. I'm reading her subsequent actions as indication that she was not interested in being "the other woman" but that she was still interested in you. It took 13 months from your last statement of intended separation (March '06) until you actually separated (April '07). She had to protect her heart in the meantime. She kept her distance to avoid a moral complication, or to see some action to be able to believe you. Now you are separated, but that may not be enough for her to fully engage, and with the passage of time there could be a new interest, as well.

 

In short, you kind of dragged your heels and said one thing while doing another. She may not trust you at your word anymore. It might take considerable time (and a legal divorce) to get her attention again, assuming she isn't otherwise engaged (not literally, but possible.)

 

I'm not asking you to give any further information, just making many some assumptions and trying to assist.

 

(And I honestly wish the legs in the avatar were mine!)

 

 

She worked in the same building(different department). I actually would run into her on the elevator. I am a natural smartass, and she liked that. She even once said in the beginning, that it was too bad I was married as she could see dating me. The fling was brief, over a month or so. She did have moral problems with the fact that I was married. We both decided it was best to stop. I have been married for a long time, since 23.

 

She left work for a year (march 06 to march07) and now is back but at a different building few blocks away. I run into her once in a while, not often. It was 3 months after she left when I next contacted her. She replied that she thought she would have heard from me and she admitted she was curious about my situation.

 

She is 34, single. She prides herself that she doesnt worry about other peoples feelings. Think she was burned a few times. She had live in boyfriend for 6 years or so. He ended up leaving her, saying he liked everything about her but her looks......is that not a nice thing to say??

 

I knew I would regret sending that email. But you do stupid things when you really like someone. I will not be contacting her again.

 

And I understand your point of dragging my feet and I would not blame her. I just mistakingly figured if I asked directly I would know once and for all.

 

Thanks for post Legs.......you have good insight!

[dropdeadlegs]

I agree that a direct question is deserving of a direct answer. She may still answer. Something tells me she will.