Pre-nup

[LoveLace]

I'm sure this subject has been discussed here before, but oh well, here goes...my boyfriend said if he gets married again that he would definitely have to get a pre-nup; this is because he was pretty screwed over by his divorce. Her only main reason for leaving was that she wasn't "attracted" to him anymore and he wasn't "christian" enough for her. But when she left, she took the entire contents of the house, even a washer and dryer that techinically did not even belong to her, because Marty's mother bought them for him....she took all silverware and left him with 1 fork...all dishes...all pictures...not to mention thousands of $ out of their joint savings account.

 

He and I are thinking we want to get married eventually, and he definitely wants to be married and have a family in general, even after what he went through. When he said he would have to get a pre-nup, I told him I understand and it's totally fine, considering what the Ex did to him. However, he also says that he doesn't believe in divorce, and marriage "is for life", and he would not leave his wife under any circumstances what so ever. So basically, he wants a pre-nup because he doesn't entirely trust me? Yet, he wants to marry me? Is something about this contradicting?

 

Is a Pre-nup basically saying "We're getting married but we don't really know if we'll want to stay married"?...

[norajane]

No, prenup is saying, I love you and want to marry you, but if you turn into a douchebag and try to hose me in a divorce, I want to protect the assets I came into the marriage with.

 

No one enters a marriage thinking they will divorce. But all kinds of things happen, things like cheating, for example, and many people do end up divorced. And if someone were to cheat or whatever, marriages don't end amicably with everyone being reasonable about financial settlements.

[melodymatters]

Umm....Lovelace ???? Is this the guy you just started dating this month who lives 2 hrs away, after having finally gotten over your roomate ?

 

Don't you think even using words that have the letter M in them is a bit hasty ?

 

Well, in answer, it protects what you came INTO the marriage with, like if he owns a house, and 50k in stock, that would be off the table when it comes time to divorce. All the assetts you both earn during the marriage are not included in the prenup.

[Art_Critic]

Having someone sign a prenup because they have huge assets to protect and having someone sign a prenup because they are bitter over a divorce are two different animals.

Your BF is bitter.. that doesn't make a good addition to the trust level of a relationship when speaking about these types of things with each other.

 

something tells me that if you had the assets and asked him to sign one he would flip..

 

I would suggest to anyone who signs one to make sure that you have your own separate attorney.

Just because someone has you sign one doesn't mean you have to sign something unfair..

A prenup should be fair to BOTH parties and not give away assets that they should have a right to.

 

I personally would never ask someone to sign one..( I did once though when I was young )..

I think you have to consider the divorce laws of the state you live combined with your level of trust with the person to make a decision.

[LoveLace]

MM - yes, talking about my new guy...I never even had to "get over" my roommate though...we get along better now that I have a BF...but before I even met Marty the light bulb came on in my head like light switch, that my roommate was far from being my Mr. Right..I still care about him as my friend but now I have no clue why I thought we'd ever be a good couple, much less a couple at all. But with Marty...it's just one of those things...when you know it's right, you just know. I've always been told that it happens that way-- maybe not for everyone-- but it has with me...

 

I would marry the guy in a heart beat. Since we've met, we've spent hours on the phone every single day, and we've the last 3 full weekends together, we miss each other like crazy, and no man has ever treated me like he does...we feel like we're best friends already...and if we do get married, we're not talking anytime soon...just maybe in a couple years...I"m 30 yrs. old and he is almost 30 himself, so it isn't as though we're a couple of teenagers in over our heads. We just both know what we want and it's each other....of course that could change at any time without warning; but we both have the same attitude about relationships when it comes to give-and-take (we treat each other like a King and Queen), along with the same morals, family values, etc., the list goes on and on...I could on and on about why I think he's the one...and why he thinks I am...but why bother...Now I believe all the people who have told me "when you know, you just know"....that's all I can say! He was already planning to transfer his job and move to my hometown (before meeting me)....which might happen soon...so you never know if living closer to each other changes everything or makes it better...we'll see. All I know is, finding him has been like a dream come true and he says the same about me.

 

sorry so long.

[Art_Critic]

I would marry the guy in a heart beat. Since we've met, we've spent hours on the phone every single day, and we've the last 3 full weekends together, we miss each other like crazy, and no man has ever treated me like he does...

 

Read this part of your last post..

 

It takes more than a few dates and weekends together to figure out if someone is worth marrying..

 

It takes at least 6 months before the true colors of a person show and they drop their guard to the point where you get to see who they really are...

By the way.. I'm not saying to not marry him.. I'm saying to spend more time getting to know him..

[melodymatters]

Sounds good so far LL, good for you !!! I guess as you and AC are pointing out ( through actions) life can change on a dime !

 

And a/c, your's was a pretty quick trip to the alter if I recall !!

[Art_Critic]

And a/c, your's was a pretty quick trip to the alter if I recall !!

 

From first date to the alter it was 12 months .. or just under..maybe 11.5 months.... we have known each other for years but only on a professional level.. and there is a baby on the way.. another dynamic we had to consider...

and no I did not ask her to sign a prenup.. I would've considered that to be nuts...I know the divorce laws of my state and feel very comfortable with everything..

[Trialbyfire]

It's good to see that you've found someone who treats you right LL. I also agree that you need to take it slowly and somewhere between the three to six month, even up to a year mark, reality will hit as to who they are, as a person.

 

As for a prenup, I wouldn't get married again without one. There are enough gold diggers out there, male or female, although the latter isn't my concern since I don't swing AC/DC.

[LoveLace]

Read this part of your last post..

 

It takes more than a few dates and weekends together to figure out if someone is worth marrying..

 

It takes at least 6 months before the true colors of a person show and they drop their guard to the point where you get to see who they really are...

 

Probably true...but when a man tells me "I'm happy as long as your happy"....it's worth considering marriage, that's for sure! I haven't known of a guy to treat women the way he treats me in years...around here a guy like this is soooo hard to find...and I think it's safe to say we are considering marriage down the road...not writing it in stone...

 

By the way.. I'm not saying to not marry him.. I'm saying to spend more time getting to know him..

This is the process we're in now and we're enjoying every minute of it...

[Art_Critic]

This is the process we're in now and we're enjoying every minute of it...

 

... Cool.. He sounds attentive and like a nice guy..

 

It sure is nice to find someone that gets you.. Doesn't it ?

[LoveLace]

It's good to see that you've found someone who treats you right LL. I also agree that you need to take it slowly and somewhere between the three to six month, even up to a year mark, reality will hit as to who they are, as a person.

 

As for a prenup, I wouldn't get married again without one. There are enough gold diggers out there, male or female, although the latter isn't my concern since I don't swing AC/DC.

 

Thanks TBF...and I agree about gold diggers...thing is though, I will be a nurse and according to him making way more money than he already does...maybe I should be the one asking about a pre-nup?!

[LoveLace]

It sure is nice to find someone that gets you.. Doesn't it ?

 

 

OMG I didn't know it was possible...he's one in a million..no a billion..gillion.....literally the day I threw my hands up and gave up on the idea of total romance and companionship I met him...I'm still in shock almost...he even says he's never felt this way about anyone...not even his ex wife! I'm not extremely religious...but it's like this is the one that God created just for me!!

 

We're so cute it's disgusting.

[Woggle]

It is nothing against you but a woman can turn on a man in a heartbeat and decide she wants a divorce. A prenup protects a man in this situation and every man that marries should have won.

[Trialbyfire]

Thanks TBF...and I agree about gold diggers...thing is though, I will be a nurse and according to him making way more money than he already does...maybe I should be the one asking about a pre-nup?!

Good question. If you have more assets than he does, it's a consideration LL. I'm of the firm belief to never put all your eggs in one basket. A safety net never hurts.

[VirtualInsanity]

It is nothing against you but a woman can turn on a man in a heartbeat and decide she wants a divorce. A prenup protects a man in this situation and every man that marries should have won.

 

Protects women from men too. Don't forget that.

 

I don't agree w/them & will never sign one. I don't like the idea of a divorce plan A.K.A. insurance policy.

[Woggle]

If you were a man would you go into something with a 50% failure rate and a 75% chance the other party will be the one to cause it to fail without some protection.

[VirtualInsanity]

Yes because stats don't run my life. If someone let something like that determine how they come into a marriage, then that person has no business getting married IMHO. Shows me they don't trust their SO at all.

[LoveLace]

If it was going to be his 1st marriage I probably would have felt offended...but his Ex screwed him so bad that I'd probably want a pre-nup the 2nd time around, too...I'm surprised he's even willing to marry someone again in the 1st place...so I told him whatever makes him comfortable I'd be ok with...he deserves that after the way he treats me..

[Trialbyfire]

Perhaps that's the difference. When it's your first marriage, you tend to wear rose-coloured glasses, throwing your whole being into the marriage. If you've been divorced, you tend to see things in a different light, although not everyone does.

 

In my previous marriage, we both walked in with similar asset amounts and the equality continued, as we progressed. I wasn't left destitute and neither was he, when we divorced.

 

What it did was to open my eyes about blind trust, while you're in love. People change or take awhile to show true colours. Once again, love is never enough.

[LoveLace]

I actually feel kind of glad that he went through what he did...he didn't deserve it by any means...but I'm glad because he's quite accepting of the fact that marriage "takes work" and needs to be "kept alive", so on and so forth. He knows what it's like and what it takes to live with someone day in and day out-- I don't know what that's like. We seem to agree exactly on how a relationship should be on all levels, I'm just not as skilled at carrying out these things as he is...but with him I am not scared to try...I admire the fact that he wants to dedicate himself to someone so much after what his Ex wife did to him...

[Cad Rake]

No, prenup is saying, I love you and want to marry you, but if you turn into a douchebag and try to hose me in a divorce, I want to protect the assets I came into the marriage with.

 

Nora you're my favorite poster on this board. If you're actually a woman, you make the other chicks here look like retards.

 

To answer the OP's question, I can totally relate to any man wanting to get a pre-nup. In fact if I were ever to marry I'd get one, because I think the standard statutory scheme in almost all states sucks. It only makes sense if the two parties are coming into the marriage with almost equal wealth and will generate almost equal wealth through the marriage.

 

So in your case it depends. Someone who marries another with less wealth usually gets the shaft. Are you richer than he? If so, you should accept the prenup happily. If you're dirt poor but pretty, you should bitch and moan and say "But you don't loooove meeeee" and nag until he drops it or drops you. I'm serious. The odds that second marriages will last are quite low.

 

Oh, and anyone who doesn't take statistics seriously is either a liar or an imbecile.

[dropdeadlegs]

I've never had money, nor dated/married a man with money, but I would sign a prenup if someone wanted one. I don't see the big deal about it. As a two-time loser I know that love doesn't always last forever.

 

My two divorces were fair. We came into marriage poor and we left in the same state. They kept their 401-k, I kept mine, and the $2.37 in the bank was split as evenly as possible. I gave up my half penny. I did get the more valuable car, but I also got the monthly payment. He got the less valuable car, but it was fully paid for. I really wanted that less valuable car, but since the note was in my name and I value my credit rating, I took the payment I couldn't really afford.

 

I'll add my two cents on timing of marriage. It takes 12 months to begin to see all aspects of a person, and another 12 to be sure you can actually tolerate those aspects long term. Then I would suggest living with them for another 12 months before considering anything legally binding, especially if children are involved. But that's just me.

 

Good luck with your new love, LL. This was the first I'd heard about your newfound happiness.

[LoveLace]

Thanks DDL I"m so happy right now I just can't believe it. I know the beginning is always "honeymoon"-ish and the new fades after while...but still it sure is fun! But I agree with you on the pre-nup...I'd sign one.

[norajane]

Thanks DDL I"m so happy right now I just can't believe it. I know the beginning is always "honeymoon"-ish and the new fades after while...but still it sure is fun! But I agree with you on the pre-nup...I'd sign one.

 

It can't hurt to do some nice things for HER, too. Buy her some ice cream or whatever sometime, too. Do the little things that will make her feel like you're her Romeo.