This man is giving me double messages! What am I supposed to think? Help!!

[Elvira]

Hi everybody! Happy 2000!!!!

 

I had a very brief affair over a year ago with a famous person in the ------- field. This man told me to keep in touch with him and gave me the number of his secretary so I could always find out where to contact him. We are both married.

 

Anyhow, I saw him about two times in different places during the next year, but everytime I would "see" him he would ask for my number and say he was going to call, but never did because his wife was with him and he was very busy. Several times I confronted him telling him to "tell me the truth if you don't want me to bother you I won't call", but he never discouraged me, and said, " We must find time to meet by ourselves ect.."

 

Well, two weeks ago it finally worked out that he was able to meet me, but something came up at the last minute preventing the meeting (He called me to change the time by and hour later and I never got the message)I had ended up waiting almost an hour in front of a shopping comlex and thought he had just stood me up, when in fact he hadn't.

 

The next day I found the appartment he was staying in just by chance and "women's instinct" and left a note for the door-man to give to him saying I hadn't gotten the message.

 

He met me for lunch the next day and we had a long conversation in which he asked me all kinds of questions about my personal life (my husband, my marriage, what my husband does for a living ect.)At first I told him I didn't want to get into this type of discussion because I didn't want him to see the deep, sort of sad parts of my life, but he said, "It's okay, tell me. I want to know."

 

Then he asked me what I wanted of him (as if to make it sound like it was only me all the time who had instigated contact)This whole time he had his arm around me and was caressing me. "Do you want to make love?" he asked.

 

Of couse I did. I told him I was a "femme fatale".

 

Then he told me he didn't think if would be fair to me if we did get involved again because he didn't want to hurt me, and he knew that if we did I would want "more" later.

 

I told him it wasn't so, but he didn't believe me.

 

"I think it's best if we just meet as friends life this every now and then and we talk..."

 

Instead of being composed and serene, I started crying and he tried to comfort me. As we walked out hand in hand he told me to forget him. I asked him how it was possible for a man to have sex and attach no emotion, and he replied, "Easy. Men are primative."

 

"Well then I guess I'll become a lesbian," I replied.

 

We both laughed and I tried to crack some ironic jokes.

 

"Put on your scarf" he ordered.

 

"What does it matter if I die?" I replied.

 

"You'll die in the next century," he answered back.

 

We hugged and he French kissed me, then said, "Forget me. This is a silly dream. Ciao."

 

What kind of message is that? He wants to be my friend, but then he says "forget me." If anything, I am thinking about him even MORE than before now. We are in the same field (a very small one where everybody know everybody)and he just happens to be making it BIG at the moment. I am alot younger and still have time, but at times it makes me feel

 

so small because I haven't yet made it to the "top" like him. He knows I am talented, and perhaps is taking this distance because he knows I will be successful as well.

 

What would you advise?? It's kind of hard to "forget" about a person who's name you see everywhere.

[Meta]

I don't there's any mixed messages here. You guys just had fun and that was very clear. You seemed to have attached yourself more than you should have. It's too bad, but forget about it and move on.

 

Sorry I don't sound sympathetic, but if I weren't I wouldn't be even replying to this and I just write in a very direct manner.

 

Good luck!

[james]

Meta,

 

This must be very painful for you, and forget the unsympathetic messages that precede this on. See the movie "celebrity." it might give you some insight. See yourself as Hugh Grant in that movie.

 

If you have become so attracted to someone who is so attractive and famous, you have to see what is right in front of you at every secondk not what is in your mind. Just see that this person has hundreds of options at every minute. You are not going to be treated with the respect and dignity you deserve at any one of those minutes. Start placing new ads on your own, remember how special you are, and every time you think of this guy, substitute a new emotion for the one that is plaguing you:

 

" I am a special person, I will find a partner who appreciates and loves me for the gifts I can give to this relationship."

 

This guy does not deserve your devotion; he has given none to you. Keep trying the above exercise and do not buckle under or contact him for any reason. Preserve your sanity at all cost.

 

my best wishes,

 

James

I don't there's any mixed messages here. You guys just had fun and that was very clear. You seemed to have attached yourself more than you should have. It's too bad, but forget about it and move on. Sorry I don't sound sympathetic, but if I weren't I wouldn't be even replying to this and I just write in a very direct manner. Good luck!

[Crispy Lala]

Elvira - there is nothing I or anyone could say to take the pain away. The only thing I can do is explain what I see, so that maybe you can make a decision for yourself.

 

This guy obviously started this affair out with you, because he wanted a fling. Something to have every now and then when he wanted it. (by the way, you don't know who else he was sleeping with). He probably also thought you were perfect to be with because you were married...it was safe. He probably felt your feelings wouldn't grow, because you were married. If this man really loved you, he'd have been there for you more than once in a while. He was more concerned with his wife not finding out, than making effort to spend time with you. What man who loves a woman, gives her time once in a while or a phone call here and there. A man who loves a woman, would feel the same way about you, that you would feel about a man that you were in love with. When a person is in love, they can't help but want to be with you - ask anyone who is in love, they'll tell you. and that's true for a woman AND a man. You also have to look at the times you've spent together. Did it always eventually end up in the bedroom? Was there ever a day the two of you spent together that was just getting to know each other w/o sex? If the answer is NO, then the answer is, he wanted one thing and one thing only...plus enjoyed your company in the process.

 

Anyway, the reason he's ended it with you and has told you he wanted to stay friends, is because he was starting to realize that you were developing real feelings for him and he knew he didn't feel the same way back. It's no fun to have a casual affair, when the other (you) is falling in love. He has a wife, and whether he loves her or not, he doesn't want to lose her and has chosen to stay with her. But he does like his fun on the side...probably cause he's famous and can get it. At least he was decent enough and cared about you enough to end it, knowing that he didn't feel the same way and never would.

 

Unfortunately, because of his selfishness in the beginning, you are now left with the hurt. Good thing he did stop it when he did. It sounds like you have a little bit of a special place in his heart - but not enough of a space that he'll ever leave his wife and fall madly in love with you.

 

I'm not saying any of this to hurt your feelings, because I know how painful it can be when someone you really care about hurts you. You also have to think of your husband. If he found out about the affair, he'd really be hurt. How do you feel about your husband? I think what you need to do is look at the truth about this other guy, hurt and get it out of your system and then go back and work on your marriage - if you still love your husband. If you don't, then you should consider a couples counceling or maybe even divorce, because living the rest of your life with someone you don't love, can be hell.

 

Anyway, I hope everything works out for you, and I hope you find a way to get through all of this.