A final Talk with EX, how to do it?!

[heartoutside]

I've been posting in here for the past 3 months so I won't bother with a long background story(but if you are giving me some serious advice can you please read some of my posts just to get an idea of what has happened?)

 

We've been dating for almost 4 years, have lived together for 3. She is 24 and in her 3rd semester of college, somthing I helped her do by going to all her entrance tests with her, helping her study for her GED, going to her first day, co-signing a loan for her just about everything I could do. I was going to propose to her a week before we broke up, she didn't know though, still doesn't. Things between us were perfect with exception of our sex life had been kind of drag'n because we always tired and working the last 6 months (I'm not saying we didn't have sex, it just wasn't as often as when we first started dating). We were each other best friends, loved doing everything together and knew each other in and out.

 

Anyway, when she did break up with me she said she was confused and didn't know what she wanted, that she just need some space to figure things out. There wasn't anyone else. She even told her mother that this wasn't about moving on.

 

Anyway, several months later and a few big bumps I thought she would never talk to me again (not that I did anything wrong) and on both occassions I felt that we were done. Then about 2 weeks ago she starts texting me out of the blue with very random things, asking me if I've seen her student ID, asking about our potted plant that our friend gave us, sending me a hi with a winkie eye text, asking me what i'm up too, sending me her school schedule telling me she has classes on tuesday, weds and sometimes on friday, a late night text asking about her usb cable for her camera, adding my best friends wife from back home to her facebook page (someone she'll never see again), a text in regards to her homework she was reading about how jewish men have a higher rate of depression, sending me a message via myspace last night asking me what I'm doing? And then today moving her "guy" friend from 3rd to 2nd on myspace.

 

So basically, I don't know how I should talk to her? Should I call her up and tell her the following;

 

I think you know how much I care about you, how much I love you, and that I'll always be there for you, but if you've moved on, then I need to move on as well. If you would like to give us another try and maybe start over with no pressure, I think we could do that. But I can't be a friend if I know that's all I'll be.

 

I'm leaving for NYC tomorrow for 3 days, so I probably should tell her this tonight no? Or should I wait it out, let my mind think it over? wait for her to text me again maybe......should I tell her that I was going to propose to her? (i'm thinking no)

 

OR

 

Do i go a totally different route and ask her out kind of. There's a new hooka bar that I wanted to go to, maybe ask her if she wants to go out to that? It's something she and I never did in the 4 years that we dated or even thought about so I thought it might be cool and different.....

 

Ladies I could use your advice

[Travis L]

We've been dating for almost 4 years, have lived together for 3. She is 24 and in her 3rd semester of college, somthing I helped her do by going to all her entrance tests with her, helping her study for her GED, going to her first day, co-signing a loan for her just about everything I could do. I was going to propose to her a week before we broke up, she didn't know though, still doesn't. Things between us were perfect with exception of our sex life had been kind of drag'n because we always tired and working the last 6 months (I'm not saying we didn't have sex, it just wasn't as often as when we first started dating). We were each other best friends, loved doing everything together and knew each other in and out.

 

Holy crap our stories are even more similar than I had originally thought...

 

So basically, I don't know how I should talk to her? Should I call her up and tell her the following;

 

I think you know how much I care about you, how much I love you, and that I'll always be there for you, but if you've moved on, then I need to move on as well. If you would like to give us another try and maybe start over with no pressure, I think we could do that. But I can't be a friend if I know that's all I'll be.

 

I did this... didn't really work for me... I mean, she cried and said how she was losing her best friend but it didn't do anything as far as easing her into reconciliation. Granted, she didn't respect my NC request as she contacted me three days later and I caved... If you could hold out it might work...to either heal you should she not want to work on things or help her see that she does want you in her life as more than just a benign friend.

 

Do i go a totally different route and ask her out kind of. There's a new hooka bar that I wanted to go to, maybe ask her if she wants to go out to that? It's something she and I never did in the 4 years that we dated or even thought about so I thought it might be cool and different.....

 

Norm McDonald in "Stop your Divorce" preaches happy talk, light talk...no serious talk when trying to get closer to reconciliation. "How to get your lover back" by Blase Harris also says that spending time just having fun together can work to your advantage in reigniting the "love-bond". Both suggest not talking about serious stuff right away. Acting as happy as can be about the state of your life and indifferent to being with her or not. Just going out and having fun together without the serious and heavy relationship stuff can do wonders (in my opinion).

 

The flip side of this approach is that, like you have told me in another thread, you don't think she has had time to miss you. If she hasn't felt that longing and desire for you then there is a chance that you will just fall into the friend zone.

 

I guess this is the blind leading the blind but I have had the most success in just going out and having fun with her. She knows that at anytime I could meet the ONE and spending positive time together has shown her that we can have fun... I have tried all the tricks in the hat (without stalking and pressuring) to help her see the benefits of being with me... The rest is in her hands (for now).

[heartoutside]

when we first broke up or a few days after we broke up and I had been in NC for 4 days she called me up crying and telling me she missed me and loved me. That night we went out to dinner and talked.....she was obviously confused and asked if she still wanted her to go with me and my family on vacation, I said no but we can hang out when I get back. That never happened because she was sending text messages to me the whole time I was on vacation and i turned into a mess. Anyway, i told our mutual friend about it and he felt the need to tell her to stop, she flipped out. Anyway I got back and she didn't want to hang out and was going to the movies with this new guy. So I've always seen this new guy friend as just someone to fill the void.

 

Travis, how long did you wait until you "talked" to your ex the way I may talk to her? I know my ex is missing me, there is no other reason I can think of that she would contact me with such random, poor excuses to talk.

 

As for just asking her out, I am worried that it will fall into the friend thing, but I've told her from the start that we could never be friends....I would think that she would know that couldn't change.

[niceguy27]

I am sorry to hear bout you two. I went a couple weeks with NC/LC until we finally talked. You can read my other posts about it. In fact, I wrote one called "To Love and Let Go" that tells how I had the final talk with my ex. I feel a lot better now that I told her those things and got it off my chest.

 

I hope it helps out a bit. I am big fan of not denying your feelings and just being yourself when you talk with her. You know her better than anyone else on here. So just talk to her like you always have. She is human too and I guarantee she is missing you too. Nobody can just forget time two people have spent together intimately.

 

Good luck and keep us posted on anything new!

[Travis L]

Anyway I got back and she didn't want to hang out and was going to the movies with this new guy. So I've always seen this new guy friend as just someone to fill the void.

 

I (and her family) thought the same thing about my ex's new guy...2 months later and she's still "sorta dating" him; whatever that means!

 

Travis, how long did you wait until you "talked" to your ex the way I may talk to her? I know my ex is missing me, there is no other reason I can think of that she would contact me with such random, poor excuses to talk.

 

I waited until month 2.5. We had an awesome three days together (day and night). About once a day she would talk about the new guy (they were having problems at the time and broken it off). Then, on the third day she told me that she was going to talk to the new guy and see what went wrong...well she called me to tell me that they are just going to hang out and see where things go. To this, I laid it all on the line and expressed my desires to work on things and if that wasn't what she wanted at this time, then I would need NC to heal (My letter was much more involved but this is the jist of it). She broke NC 3 days later and i caved...