So I had enough :)

[CaliGuy]

Art, I took your advice. The web site visits have continued non stop for the entire year. I tried to let it go but as soon as I thought "great, she's done!" boom there would be another slew of hits from her on my site.

 

Last week I sent her an email asking about the visits. She sent me a very long email with a bunch of bull hockey trying to justify the visits as merely "checking up on me." You know, the kind of answers you give when you've been caught red-handed and are trying to back out of it.

 

Today I sent her a final message basically telling her to stop. You know, it felt good to write that message. Not in a vindictive sort of way, but basically to enforce the decision she made.

 

She rejected the ring and therefore gave up any rights to my life. And I did call her out on the simple truth that there is no reason for a happily engaged woman to be checking up on an ex boyfriend, especially given how frequently she was visiting my site. And let's be honest here, she wasn't just reading the blog, she was checking out photos of me and digging around at my schedule and my family pictures as well.

 

Regardless, stopping the "cyber stalking" was paramount for me. I'm happily moving on with my life. Things could not be rosier and I wasn't looking forward to having my momentum be derailed by her silly behavior.

 

I firmly believe if you reject an engagment ring and walk away, you need to accept the consequences of those actions and love that person enough to let them go. She hasn't and that irritates me to no end.

 

At least now I think they'll stop and if they don't, I will block her IP address and password protect my site. It'll inconvenience my family and friends but those are the people I most want to have access to my life. Certainly not the ex.

[birdie]

you might be the person to clear something up for me then.

 

if it bothers you that an ex checks out your sight then why have a blog in the first place? I don't get why you choose to have such a public life and then feel that somebody is 'cyberstalking' you? surely once you choose to put everything on your website you lose the right to select who reads it.

 

this is exactly why I'm not on facebook for example. one of my exes are on it and various people I don't want to be in touch with so I chose not to disclose personal information for the whole world to read in the first place

[CaliGuy]

you might be the person to clear something up for me then.

 

if it bothers you that an ex checks out your sight then why have a blog in the first place? I don't get why you choose to have such a public life and then feel that somebody is 'cyberstalking' you? surely once you choose to put everything on your website you lose the right to select who reads it.

 

It's for my family and people who follow my racing. It's not for an ex who wishes to keep tabs on me. Keep in mind, she's happily engaged yet was hitting the site on average about twice a week. Too obsessive for me. Once she gave the ring back, in my mind, she gave up all rights to my life. It's not for her.

 

this is exactly why I'm not on facebook for example. one of my exes are on it and various people I don't want to be in touch with so I chose not to disclose personal information for the whole world to read in the first place

 

I'm ok with the whole world, but her, reading the site. The site was there before I met her and has always served as a way to promote my racing and for my family.

 

I can block her by IP address if she continues to visit or I can password protect it, but I don't feel like I should have to do that. She chose to move on, all I am doing to holding her to it.

[dropdeadlegs]

I don't think I would have lasted a year, CG!

 

I think that password protection is your best option for excluding her should you need to do so. She could always access your site through another computer, ie: another IP address.

 

I have a few friends that have sites and it isn't an inconvenience to type in a password at all, although I'm pretty sure we all have the same password.

[KittenMoon]

Amen, Cali!

 

I recently began tracking my blog, basically for website management practice (teaching myself new tricks), only to find my ex checks it everyday, multiple times frequently. I expected him to read it occasionally... but not everyday!

 

I'm with you, Cali. Seriously, why "check up" on the person if you walk out of their life? For me, I just say "whatever" (there's a few other folks who read it who don't know I know they read it) so I keep it fairly "unjuicy" anyhow, but still.

 

Exes are weird.

[birdie]

maybe.

 

I don't really see why you are bothered that much to be honest. if you have lots of people reading your website and it is only about your racing then who cares? having a twirl a couple of times are week is hardly stalking

 

can understand why you wouldn't want to password it, I think maybe you should just stop checking whether her IP address keeps coming up. she will lose interest eventually

[Art_Critic]

Amen, Cali!

 

Echoed...

 

Good for you Cali...

 

Bet she stops now...

[Trialbyfire]

You've now challenged her about her behaviour, which is good.

 

I would also put up the pic of a gorgeous g/f, for future hauntings...

[CaliGuy]

DDL: That may be the best option if she continues. (Love the avatar, BTW!).

 

KITTENMOON: That's plain obsessive and stalker-ish. I would say something, if I were you.

 

TBF: Her behavior has always been one of past regret so I think that is why she checks up not just on me, but on others. The differences is none of the people in her past asked for her hand in marriage. In my case I simply believe once you say NO to one man and yes to another, then you should leave the guy you said no to far behind.

 

ART: I don't think it will stop her visits. I think it will merely force her to use other avenues such as proxy servers. That's why I think I may go ahead and password protect it. Art, if you are interested in reading her note and my reply, let me know and I will send you a copy.

 

BIRDIE: It bothers me because she's the one who wanted to move on without me in her life. She chose this path, I am merely holding her to it. The fact is, it does bother me and I have every right to ask her to stop. After all, if you were her fiance and you knew she was stalking an ex boyfriend online, wouldn't that tick you off? Incidentally, I believe that more than 1 visit every few months is too much. If you're just making sure someone is doing ok, why the need to visit once or twice a week? I certainly don't need anyone to babysit me or keep tabs on me who has no significance in my life anymore.

[CaliGuy]

You've now challenged her about her behaviour, which is good.

 

I would also put up the pic of a gorgeous g/f, for future hauntings...

 

Haha. True revenge is the mere knowledge of having someone in your life who is much better for you than your ex ever was.

[Trialbyfire]

Haha. True revenge is the mere knowledge of having someone in your life who is much better for you than your ex ever was.

Fake it 'til you make it Caliguy.

[CaliGuy]

Fake it 'til you make it Caliguy.

 

No need to fake it here, lol. Since I've been over the ex my prospects have picked up immensely. So yes, I have been dating and having fun and living life.

 

Whether she regrets her decision or not, that no longer matters to me. That's in the past What matters is she made the decision and all I am doing by confronting her about her visits is to hold her to it. If you're going to tell me I am not good enough for you then you should mean it by leaving me be.

[Trialbyfire]

No need to fake it here, lol. Since I've been over the ex my prospects have picked up immensely. So yes, I have been dating and having fun and living life.

 

Whether she regrets her decision or not, that no longer matters to me. That's in the past What matters is she made the decision and all I am doing by confronting her about her visits is to hold her to it. If you're going to tell me I am not good enough for you then you should mean it by leaving me be.

It sounds like you have the situation well in hand. I still say throw up a few pics of your dates and yourself having fun.

[CaliGuy]

It sounds like you have the situation well in hand. I still say throw up a few pics of your dates and yourself having fun.

 

Thanks.

 

I am still trying to discern why a happily engaged woman would feel the need to keep tabs on her ex boyfriend. In my opinion, once you make the decision to move on with someone else, you leave the ex behind.

 

One visit a month I could understand. Four to eight visits per month, every month for the past year is obsessive IMHO.

[CaliGuy]

can understand why you wouldn't want to password it, I think maybe you should just stop checking whether her IP address keeps coming up. she will lose interest eventually

 

Something I wanted to address here. She HASN'T lost interest in over a year now. It's not going to stop so I decided to stop it.

 

As for checking her visits, the original reason to check the logs was to see where my site is linked to from other sites. It was then that I noticed her visits.

 

The site is half personal, half racing so it does contain more information than just a racing site. And to be honest, I don't put all of my information out there.

 

Either way, she doesn't have any business "keeping tabs" (her words) on me. She is the one that said "I don't want you" and all I am doing is keeping her honest.

[dropdeadlegs]

Thanks.

 

I am still trying to discern why a happily engaged woman would feel the need to keep tabs on her ex boyfriend. In my opinion, once you make the decision to move on with someone else, you leave the ex behind.

 

One visit a month I could understand. Four to eight visits per month, every month for the past year is obsessive IMHO.

I agree that she should not be so concerned about your life. She had the chance to be part of it and declined the offer. Being engaged to another further makes it just wrong.

 

Obviously she has some regrets, and knowing what I know about you, that is understandable. However....her regrets do not make the situation acceptable from so many points of view.

 

Now she knows that you know she is "checking up" on you and that should be enough to make her cease and desist. If not, she has a real problem, doesn't she?

[CaliGuy]

I agree that she should not be so concerned about your life. She had the chance to be part of it and declined the offer. Being engaged to another further makes it just wrong.

 

Obviously she has some regrets, and knowing what I know about you, that is understandable. However....her regrets do not make the situation acceptable from so many points of view.

 

Now she knows that you know she is "checking up" on you and that should be enough to make her cease and desist. If not, she has a real problem, doesn't she?

 

I think the hits from home and work will stop but not completely. I think she will use other methods to gain information about me. I can not stop her totally from getting info on me if she so desires.

 

I think the major point of context here was to get her to see that her behavior is unacceptable for someone who is happily engaged. If her life is going to great, why reminisce about past boyfriends? I find that behavior unacceptable.

[Nanachu]

Right now, I am extremely happy with my BF (who once broke up with me). Thus, I do not care about my ex of 5 years who have been chiming in once a while.

 

But, in my past, when I was sort of happy but sort of not (or sort of bored) with my BF at that time, I randomly thought about my ex. Back then (telling my age) online thing was not there, so there was no way for me to check my ex. But, I certainly thought about some of them especially when I was with BF who does not make me cry but does not make me excited either. So, your ex could be bored, unhappy, and once a while thinking about you... And nowadays, fortunately or unfortunately, we have this tool to check people very easily. So, she does. I am not so sure whether that is so wrong though.

 

And, Caliguy, why do you care? I know it is kinda annoying, but since right now I am very happy with my BF very busy focusing on my current relationship, the fact that my ex is contacting me, checking me online, etc do not occupy my brain more than 5 seconds of my day.

 

Are you happy? Happy with your current dates? You have helped tons of people here. Your comments suggest that you are very mature, caring, and attractive person. Did you find anyone special who deserves you?

 

I apologize in advance if my questions offend you. But, I hope that you are in a good space....

[CaliGuy]

Right now, I am extremely happy with my BF (who once broke up with me). Thus, I do not care about my ex of 5 years who have been chiming in once a while.

 

But, in my past, when I was sort of happy but sort of not (or sort of bored) with my BF at that time, I randomly thought about my ex. Back then (telling my age) online thing was not there, so there was no way for me to check my ex. But, I certainly thought about some of them especially when I was with BF who does not make me cry but does not make me excited either. So, your ex could be bored, unhappy, and once a while thinking about you... And nowadays, fortunately or unfortunately, we have this tool to check people very easily. So, she does. I am not so sure whether that is so wrong though.

 

And, Caliguy, why do you care? I know it is kinda annoying, but since right now I am very happy with my BF very busy focusing on my current relationship, the fact that my ex is contacting me, checking me online, etc do not occupy my brain more than 5 seconds of my day.

 

Are you happy? Happy with your current dates? You have helped tons of people here. Your comments suggest that you are very mature, caring, and attractive person. Did you find anyone special who deserves you?

 

I apologize in advance if my questions offend you. But, I hope that you are in a good space....

 

Not offended at all.

 

You know, I am happy now and in a good place. I haven't exactly found Ms. Right yet but I'm not overly concerned with that issue. I'm having fun, hanging out with friends, working out regularly, dating, racing, have an exciting job and a great new place to live less than a mile from the beach so I don't really have any complaints.

 

I guess what I am not conveying clearly, and what may be the crux of why some do not understand why it does bother me, is that I asked her to marry me. In my opinion, if you reject my engagement ring and accept someone else's you have basically rescinded all of your rights to my life and well being. I do understand that she probably still cares about me, but at the same time, she is "happily engaged" and her focus, time and energy should be 100% directed at her significant other. The way she is going about it now is not only unfair to me, but also to her fiance.

 

As I said before, I could understand if she visited the site once every few months to satisfy her curiosity, but we're talking about someone who is hitting the site on average up to twice a week and 19 times alone in February. That's a bit obsessive, don't you think? And it's not just the blog, she's looking at pictures of me and my family as well. She is reminiscing and doubting her decision. If she has regrets or is bored in her current relationship -- BOO HOO That is a choice she made and now has to live with. I do not think it's acceptable or fair to me to reject the engagement ring and then "stalk" me online, probing for information about me and peering into my life.

 

She chose not be a part of my life and all I am doing is forcing her to live with the decision she made. I understand why some would say "why do you care?" I care because we're not just talking about some "chick" I used to date. We're talking about someone I was ready to spend the rest of my life with and whom, when offered that opportunity, turn her back to me.

 

I just don't find it acceptable to do that to someone then expect to have access to their life whenever they want it. If you choose to walk away, you have given up your rights to that person's life.

 

To top all of this off, her "excuse" for stalking me basically amounted to her own self-pride. She is taking a lot of credit for my personal and spiritual growth (of which she is not responsible for) then lumped me into the category of "some friends whom I've lost contact with, for whatever reason" whom she likes to keep tabs on. She knows darn well why we lost contact.

 

As I said to her in my reply: "There is absolutely no legitimate reason for a happily engaged/married woman to be keeping tabs on me."

[Tormented]

Out of curiosity, how can you trace who's viewed your page? I just recently created a profile on "MySpace," but it doesn't tell you who viewed your page, only gives the number of hits you've received. Is there a way to find out?

 

~T~

[CaliGuy]

My site is not a MySpace account. It's a regular web site. And I couldn't tell you about myspace trackers. Myspace is kinda boring.

[oppath]

If you have a website, the server it is hosted on can track the IP addresses of who visits. Usually all you get is a number and possibly a location (and sometimes their is a name to it, like a university or large company).

 

I agree Caliguy. It is disturbing. While I would say she does have the right to seek information about you that is public, it certainly is not appropriate. Moreso than she doesn't have the right for you to be in her life, you have the right to call her out on it, and I commend you for it. When a relationship ends, they do lose the right to know you in any intimate capacity unless you allow it. She is not welcome to it, as you said, do to the nature of your relationship. I'm glad you were assertive and are doing well in your life.

[CaliGuy]

If you have a website, the server it is hosted on can track the IP addresses of who visits. Usually all you get is a number and possibly a location (and sometimes their is a name to it, like a university or large company).

 

I agree Caliguy. It is disturbing. While I would say she does have the right to seek information about you that is public, it certainly is not appropriate. Moreso than she doesn't have the right for you to be in her life, you have the right to call her out on it, and I commend you for it. When a relationship ends, they do lose the right to know you in any intimate capacity unless you allow it. She is not welcome to it, as you said, do to the nature of your relationship. I'm glad you were assertive and are doing well in your life.

 

Thanks.

 

Essentially, she wants to have her cake (her current fiance) and eat it too (have access to my personal life). On top of that, her reply was nothing more than pure bull spit! She was caught red-handed and tried to play it off as she was just curious about how I was doing. Her visits, however, suggest much more.

 

Either way, I made sure that she knew I did not appreciate her poking around in my life and that it needs to stop. That she chose this path and therefore I am going to make sure that she lies in the bed she made. She sure has a lot of nerve, eh?

[oppath]

Thanks.

 

Essentially, she wants to have her cake (her current fiance) and eat it too (have access to my personal life).

 

But why would you have cake at all unless you were going to eat it ? I never have cake unless I intend to eat a slice.

 

How do I get around this? If I see people at a bowling alley (even if it is a kids birthday) or a karaoke bar or wherever with cake, I always ask, "what is the occasion? If you don't run out, can I have a piece of cake?" I've never been turned down cake.

 

However, if I was turned down cake, I don't think I'd steal the cake. I'd walk away. You are telling your ex "I don't want you to have this cake, no thanks."

[Nanachu]

Hi Caliguy,

 

Thank you for your explanation although I did not mean to make you to justify your feeling to us. I was just hoping you are OK.

 

Anyway, yeah, I do agree with your point. I think about Dumper's responsibility, too. People fall out of love, a couple decides to break-up while one side does not want to. The two once were the most important person to each other but it stopped whatever the reason... Sad, but it happens.

 

However, it is an ender's responsibility to leave the other alone UNLESS he/she really wants to come back. In past, I rejected proposal. As you said, he thought that I am the person who he wants to be with for the rest of his life. I had a strong feeling, too, but back then, my career was more important and I had to come to the US. I came to the US and after a while, I started to date a guy, I sometimes thought about the ex. I missed him and cared about him. But, as you said, I thought that it is not fair to him if I contact to just check in to make myself happy. I could have contacted him IF I really want to go back to him, but it was not that case, so I decided not to.

 

Your ex may not have a strength not to search you. Weak people do whatever their emotions tell them to do in order to make them happy and lose a consideration for others.

 

You do not have to like her behavior, but may want to feel sorry for her weakness and even forgive for your inner peace. Who sounds unhappier in this story? Not you.