So I had enough :)

[Trialbyfire]

hmm...judging from his words in his posts, i doubt that. it took him a year just to say stop it, and he feels other actions that WILL work aren't appropriate, so i don't see how this will ever be solved.

 

i liked talking about the cure better.

It's just proven that passive-aggressive action doesn't work with this woman so he's taken a proactive approach. Next step, if there is one, which I doubt, he will decide the course of action.

 

More romantic, dark angst please, in reference to The Cure.

[CaliGuy]

i don't not get it. i know some things shouldn't or can't be handled in a passive-aggressive way. your issue with this ex is not one of them. if you were really so desperate to rid your life of her, you know you could have.

 

She is out of my life, but not completely. She chooses to root around in my business and that is what I take issue with.

 

instead, you don't take the path that will get you what you want, and then you wonder why everyone questions what's really in your head.

 

Again, you're not in my shoes, you don't know the whole story, you don't know exactly what or how I feel.

 

and it wasn't a wink. it was a smile.

 

Semantics.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

Again, you're not in my shoes, you don't know the whole story, you don't know exactly what or how I feel.

 

i don't think i am in your shoes. i'm not trying to be. but i see what you say about how you feel, and then what you say you will do about it (or won't do, in your case), and all the ways you justify keeping this situation going instead of ending it.

 

i'm not picking on you, honestly. this is just how i see it. so i guess you're not in my shoes either, and not seeing it how it looks from here. and that's fine.

 

just out of curiosity, do you think she will leave you alone now that she knows you want her to stop looking at your page? and if she doesn't, what will you really do? sorry if you addressed this, i missed it if you did.

[CaliGuy]

sure it is his right. but if he doesn't want to see what other people think about it, it shouldn't be made open for discussion.

 

I don't mind opeinions on the situation, it's TELLING me how I feel or should feel that irks me.

 

as for an ex, i would tell him to stop. and if he didn't, i would get a block on his number, if that didn't work, i would get a new number.

 

I don't control the internet, just my site.

 

that is, if i was serious about wanting him to stop calling. if i wasn't so serious, i would pretend i hated it, whine and bitch about it, and then do absolutely nothing to stop it.

 

She's not calling. She's poking around in my web site fishing for information about me. I wouldn't put it past her to be searching for my new address on Zabasearch either.

[CaliGuy]

i don't think i am in your shoes. i'm not trying to be. but i see what you say about how you feel, and then what you say you will do about it (or won't do, in your case), and all the ways you justify keeping this situation going instead of ending it.

 

i'm not picking on you, honestly. this is just how i see it. so i guess you're not in my shoes either, and not seeing it how it looks from here. and that's fine.

 

just out of curiosity, do you think she will leave you alone now that she knows you want her to stop looking at your page? and if she doesn't, what will you really do? sorry if you addressed this, i missed it if you did.

 

I think she will, mainly because she was very embarrassed that I caught her red-handed. I do know her and I know that she does not like HER private life to be known to others, so when I caught her, not only was she embarrassed but it probably upset her to know that she wasn't able to stalk me anonymously.

 

If she doesn't stop then I'll probably have to password protect the site because I can't stop her from using a proxy server. I'll have to split the site into two sections (One for racing, open to the public with no private info and another with just my private info for my family which will have a password).

 

What I am saying and have been all along is I shouldn't have to change my site to accomodate her poking around in my life. Yes, it bothers me for all the reasons I have listed in this thread. My life is no longer any of her business and it hasn't been for a very long time.

[CaliGuy]

It's just proven that passive-aggressive action doesn't work with this woman so he's taken a proactive approach. Next step, if there is one, which I doubt, he will decide the course of action.

 

I took a stance that said "I don't approve of what you're doing." I did it with tact but in a firm manner that let it be known I wasn't kidding.

 

I did not need to yell, scream or insult her. I merely pointed out the facts between us as they exist now.

 

She's got her own life and a marriage coming up soon. I just want to move on with my life and not have to see her visits on my log when I check it. And before it's mentioned, I have always checked the logs. As a webmaster, I like to know where my hits are coming from (and I am constantly blocking my image, audio and video files from being leeched by webcrawlers and bots).

[CaliGuy]

As I was taking a shower and getting ready to head out for a while, it hit me. I know why I am upset over this.

 

As her reply illustrated, throughout our relationship whenever she wrong me, she never apologized or showed any remorse. I would apologize when I did something to hurt her and asked for forgiveness (which is what you should do when you wrong someone.)

 

In her case, she never did. Not once.

 

In her reply, she basically told me that I was no one special. She never said "I'm sorry for hurting you." She has never asked for my forgiveness. She has never shown an ounce of regret for any of her actions.

 

This is why I think I have a hard time letting her visits go. If she is neither remorseful or regretful for her actions, then why bother poking around in my life. If she doesn't regret any of her actions or decisions regarding us, why spend any time thinking about me?

 

Do you get it now? She doesn't truly care about me or my well being. All she cares about is satisfying her own curiosity on what she might be missing out on. And to me, if you don't show any remorse for hurting someone, then you should have no rights or access to their personal life. Because, as she has shown, she really doesn't care about me.

 

If she did, instead of saying:

"I keep tabs on everyone I've lost contact with, for whatever reason."

"I'm proud of my influence in your life." (She's taking credit for my faith of which she deserves none of. It wasn't her and never has been).

"I'm bored and have nothing better to do."

 

She should have said:

"I'm just making sure you're ok."

"I regret the way I treated you in the past."

"I'm sorry that I hurt you."

 

Had she shown at least some remorse, had she bothered to apologize, I wouldn't care if she visited the site so much. It wouldn't sting nearly as bad and I wouldn't have yet another thread 11+ pages long.

 

Got it?

[KenzieAbsolutely]

What I am saying and have been all along is I shouldn't have to change my site to accomodate her poking around in my life.

 

i agree, you shouldn't have to. but if you really want her to stop, you might have to.

 

and i only said calling because TBF asked what i would do if i had an ex who kept calling me.

[crazy_grl]

We were living together. When my mom died and I went home for the funeral, she had the guy she is engaged to now picking her up from my house. Not cool.

 

What a... well I don't think anything that comes to mind here is appropriate for this site.

 

Maybe that's why I felt the need to write the reply that I did. If you're interested, I will send you a copy of what she wrote and my reply.

 

Sure, why not.

 

To be clear, I didn't mean to imply that I think you shouldn't have sent her the email. I don't see anything wrong with that, and there's no harm in feeling some satisfaction from getting to tell her to leave you alone.

 

I was just talking about how you might reaction in the future if she keeps looking or does anything else.

 

Also, I think it's funny that people think you're obsessive for checking your traffic logs on your website or that you should stop checking your traffic because of her. I don't think those people run websites.

[CaliGuy]

What a... well I don't think anything that comes to mind here is appropriate for this site.

 

I'm not sure if I told anyone this, but the last night she was living at my place, she had him pick her up from my house (she snuck around the corner). I waited up for them to return (on a work night mind you). They pull up at 11:30pm. He shut the motor off and coasted to my garage. She told me "We're just friends." She hops out of his truck and gives him a big kiss. You don't make out with your friends.

 

That night, I kicked her out of my house. She lied to me, as she had always done throughout our relationship.

 

 

Sure, why not.

 

Sent.

 

To be clear, I didn't mean to imply that I think you shouldn't have sent her the email. I don't see anything wrong with that, and there's no harm in feeling some satisfaction from getting to tell her to leave you alone.

 

I was just talking about how you might reaction in the future if she keeps looking or does anything else.

 

If she keeps looking, which I doubt she will, then I will take more drastic measures to block her.

 

Also, I think it's funny that people think you're obsessive for checking your traffic logs on your website or that you should stop checking your traffic because of her. I don't think those people run websites.

 

Nope. Some people don't understand how web crawlers and leechers can suck all your bandwidth.

[Izzy B]

You keep stating that because of how badly she treated you, she shouldn't have access to your life. Well, right now she has legal and free access to your website. As has been advised since you first posted this, simply 1. block her IP from the website by directing it to another website or 2. make your website password protected. This thread is so stupid. Sorry.

OK, many of us has been treated badly by a lover before and it ended in a breakup. You state she should have said this and that, etc. etc. etc. Guess what, you can't edit what people do and don't say in life....just like you can't control who visits websites. See, this is a public website and I am allowed to post and visit this site whether you like it or not. Your website on your racing is a public website and I can visit that website whether you like it or not. That's just life. The only way you could stop me from visiting your website is to block my IP address or do that redirecting thing that Art Critic has stated.

I hope this is clear to you now. Hope it helps so you completely understand that she is doing nothing wrong, simply surfing the web, which she legally is allowed to do.

[CaliGuy]

You keep stating that because of how badly she treated you, she shouldn't have access to your life. Well, right now she has legal and free access to your website.

 

You keep neglecting the fact that I own the web site and I can CHOOSE who I want to access it.

 

As has been advised since you first posted this, simply 1. block her IP from the website by directing it to another website or 2. make your website password protected. This thread is so stupid. Sorry.

 

And you seem to not understand that I would have to separate my site into two separate sites and password protect one, simply because of her. It's a lot easier to tell her she isn't welcome than it is to design a new site.

 

OK, many of us has been treated badly by a lover before and it ended in a breakup. You state she should have said this and that, etc. etc. etc. Guess what, you can't edit what people do and don't say in life....just like you can't control who visits websites.

 

Yes, I can control who views the web site.

 

See, this is a public website and I am allowed to post and visit this site whether you like it or not.

 

Incorrect. It's a privately owned web site and at any time, for any reason, the moderators can ban you. Don't believe me? Keep insulting people here and find out how long you last.

 

Your website on your racing is a public website and I can visit that website whether you like it or not. That's just life. The only way you could stop me from visiting your website is to block my IP address or do that redirecting thing that Art Critic has stated.

 

No, I can password protect it as well. I have many tools at my disposal to keep people out that I want out. The problem with doing so is I will also keep the people out that I WANT to visit the site.

 

I'm just guessing here but you've never run a professional web site before have you?

 

I hope this is clear to you now.

 

On the contrary, I hope it's clear to YOU now.

Hope it helps so you completely understand that she is doing nothing wrong, simply surfing the web, which she legally is allowed to do.

 

You can't be that clueless, can you? Give me a break.

[Izzy B]

Dude, your ex is doing nothing wrong, YOU are by complaining about her visiting your website. You stated you CAN control who visits your website, well why don't you then?

kick her off your damned website if it bugs you so much. This is what people have been telling you from the beginning.

[oppath]

Caliguy,

 

I completely understand what you mean by your ex never showing any remorse. Mine was the same way, which is why I felt so hurt in the end, because after the breakup, she did things to hurt me. Even if you don't agree with someone, for the most part, it is common knowledge that if someone expresses anger, you apologize and find something you can agree with in their argument, just to disarm them, and to show that you validate their feelings. The most difficult part of breakups with someone like that is coming to the realization: they weren't who you thought they were. That realization can shatter your reality and call into question your values, boundaries, behaviors, and life in general.

 

You know I'm with you. I'm always of the assertive camp to politely point out what is bothering you first, to assert your boundaries (asserting means making them known, not necessarily taking action), and hold them responsible for their actions if they cross your line again. You asserted your boundary, asking her to stop because it bothered you. Even if something is legal, if it bothers you, you can ask that person to stop.

 

People have different opinions, obviously. Some people think your actions are immature and you should have just blocked her. I believe blocking as the first action is passive-aggressive, not assertive, and is immature, and that it is mature to vocally assert how her behavior is bothering you first.

 

If I were to guess, however, a motivation of yours...perhaps it is because you were not always assertive with her in your relationship, and she did take advantage of you. You are now standing up for yourself, vocally, letting her know her behavior is inappropriate to you. It doesn't matter if it is technically legal, you feel it is inappropriate and you desire her to stop. If she was just someone from the past, instead of someone who repeatedly lied and manipulated you, you probably wouldn't have much of a problem. But the way I see it, this woman did take advantage of you and crossed boundaries you probably considered evident, ones you never really enforced during your relationship because you figured, "this is a relationship." Because of that, her behavior would doubly annoy you. She is continuing to breech your boundaries, she is acting inappropriately and bothersome to you. Perhaps standing up for yourself in this way will help you close the door.

 

And to those who say "you are letting her know she still has some power over you" I say BS. She's not sitting there twiddling her thumbs thinking "I still can get to him, high five!" She's likely embarrassed over having been caught and her pride took a big blow. It's more likely she is thinking "I'm an idiot" as she is Caliguy isn't over her. It's not like he contacted her asking for an apology after all this time. He caught her red handed. There is a big difference.

[Touche]

Dude, your ex is doing nothing wrong, YOU are by complaining about her visiting your website. You stated you CAN control who visits your website, well why don't you then?

kick her off your damned website if it bugs you so much. This is what people have been telling you from the beginning.

 

I know, exactly. I feel like we're all just beating our heads against the wall. And I really wasn't trying to insult him at all but when I think of the men that I admire in my life, I can't imagine them acting like this and fretting over this. They'd either ignore it or block her. They'd never waste their time in giving her the satisfaction of telling her not to go on their website again. They'd never bother with her again in any way, shape or form. I seriously doubt that she'll listen anyway. CG, seems to think that just because he pointedly told her to stop that she will.

 

I mean here's a woman who has behaved horribly in the past. What makes you think that all of a sudden she's going to abide by your wishes? She never cared about what you wanted/didn't want before, right? Why should she give a damn now?

 

You keep saying you can keep her out but you're not. You keep saying that you shouldn't have to, but if it bothers you that she visits your site then you will HAVE to..unless you just want to keep complaining about it and not doing anything about it.

 

You keep saying you can CHOOSE to keep out who you want to keep out...then why don't you exercise that option? You say it's just easier to just tell her to not go to your site. Again, what makes you think she's suddenly going to do what you want her to do when she never did before?

[oppath]

Dude, your ex is doing nothing wrong, YOU are by complaining about her visiting your website. You stated you CAN control who visits your website, well why don't you then?

kick her off your damned website if it bugs you so much. This is what people have been telling you from the beginning.

 

He will do that, but why is it considered completely 2nd grade behavior to tell someone once: "I don't agree with what you are doing, it bothers me, please stop."? By that logic, if some guy you went out with a few times who mildly rubbed you the wrong way kept calling, the mature response is just to screen the calls until he gets the picture, even if he is still calling two months later.

 

Caliguy's actions aren't right or wrong because there is no perfect solution to this problem. Potential solutions such as changing his website will take time and effort and potentially limit people he wants to visit.

 

And he is doing little to perpetuate this debate other than say "this is what I did, I feel it is right." It is the rest of us who make this thread so long. It's as if everyone wants him to admit "you know, maybe I did the wrong thing and it was immature of me."

 

He did not do the wrong thing, and there is NO right thing to do here. He took one action, an assertive one, one that took the least amount of work for him. And if it gave him some personal pride to tell her off, well, maybe that is good for him too. Sometimes people need to be put in their place.

[whichwayisup]

Cali, make your peace with everything. It is obvious that you still 'feel' resentment towards her. She is who she is and she'll never change. You'll never get a 'sorry' from her, or a "I was wrong."

 

All you can do is fix your site so she doesn't have access to it and let those who want to 'know' what is going on IN your life to join the website. Sure, it's a pain in the ass to do, but do it anyway. For safety reasons too, NOT only because of your ex. There are tons of other weirdo's out there as well.

[CaliGuy]

You keep saying you can keep her out but you're not. You keep saying that you shouldn't have to, but if it bothers you that she visits your site then you will HAVE to..unless you just want to keep complaining about it and not doing anything about it.

 

You keep saying you can CHOOSE to keep out who you want to keep out...then why don't you exercise that option? You say it's just easier to just tell her to not go to your site. Again, what makes you think she's suddenly going to do what you want her to do when she never did before?

 

What part of me telling her to stop poking around in my life do you not understand? This is not exclusive to just the web site. It means don't ask my friends about me (she has), search for my information online to try and find where I live (which I heard she did).

 

Do you see what I mean? If you don't understand why password protecting the site is a pain, then let it go. As a webmaster, I do.

 

I love how everyone is so quick to come to my ex's defense yet not one of you lived through the BS, heartache and total disregard for me that she showed.

 

That is why I say if you were in my shoes you would not be so quick to think she's just having some innocent fun.

[CaliGuy]

Cali, make your peace with everything. It is obvious that you still 'feel' resentment towards her. She is who she is and she'll never change. You'll never get a 'sorry' from her, or a "I was wrong."

 

Agreed. And I don't feel the need to ask her for it either.

 

All you can do is fix your site so she doesn't have access to it and let those who want to 'know' what is going on IN your life to join the website. Sure, it's a pain in the ass to do, but do it anyway. For safety reasons too, NOT only because of your ex. There are tons of other weirdo's out there as well.

 

Agreed.

[whichwayisup]

That is why I say if you were in my shoes you would not be so quick to think she's just having some innocent fun.

 

No, she's just being a snoop and a pain in the ass. It's not innocent fun...Nothing about it is innocent, you're quite right about that.

[whichwayisup]

Just a little offtopic, but I don't understand why the US allows such information to get out on some sites, like Zaba. Here, in Canada, if you have an unlisted number, you can't find it online AT ALL. Or an address.

 

It's just such an invasion of privacy PERIOD, whether it's an ex looking ya up or someone from your past - Or even a weirdo looking for kicks.

[Touche]

What part of me telling her to stop poking around in my life do you not understand? This is not exclusive to just the web site. It means don't ask my friends about me (she has), search for my information online to try and find where I live (which I heard she did).

 

Do you see what I mean? If you don't understand why password protecting the site is a pain, then let it go. As a webmaster, I do.

 

I love how everyone is so quick to come to my ex's defense yet not one of you lived through the BS, heartache and total disregard for me that she showed.

 

That is why I say if you were in my shoes you would not be so quick to think she's just having some innocent fun.

 

CG, I understand everything you're saying. I wish you'd TRY to understand what I'M saying.

 

It's very clear to me that you just don't understand what I'm saying when you make statements like you have above. I'm NOT defending her at all. I even said she sounds despicable. You've completely ignored everything I've been saying.

 

I didn't say she was having innocent fun. I don't care about HER. This is about YOU. I was trying to help YOU.

 

Who cares if she knows where you live. Who cares if she asks about you. Who CARES? YOU do, obviously. You need to get to a place where you don't care anymore.

 

I mean so what if she knows something about you. What is she going to do with that information? And if you really don't want her to know then take steps to make sure that she can't get information about you. Just TELLING her to stop will not work with this type of individual.

 

I'll stop trying to give you advice since you're clearly not receptive to it and you think you're way is the right way for you. I really hope you ARE right. I guess time will tell.

 

In the meantime, I would really try to focus my attention elsewhere. This just isn't healthy.

[Yamaha]

I can understand your frustration, CG, because you asked this girl to marry you and she declined. In your mind the 2 of you should go your separate ways and if you run into each other you will be polite, ask about each others life, health and leave it be. She is still wanting to be a part of your life and in your mind she forfeited that right when she rejected you. You still have feelings for her and her intrusion is keeping you from moving ahead. I would put the password on. It will give you piece of mind and let you forget her.

[KittenMoon]

Ah, glad to see the usual CG thread-drama is still going strong... it's not quite LS w/o it.

 

Haha. Yes, I could be but what would be the point? There's no reason for me to be bitter anymore.

 

Who needs a point? I think the sheer hilarity of her going to your site and OOPS! suddenly a window filled with hairy fetish-loving man porn makes this totally worth it....

 

>sigh< Perhaps I just adore twisted humor.

[Ssheena]

I haven't chimed in on this yet although I know I did earlier when CG posted about it the first time.

 

I can understand why the x is still looking at his pages and wants to know about him. I can understand why CG doesn't want her looking at them and asking about him too. Obviously the relationship was hurtful and painful for GC.

 

I am guilty of looking at my x's webpage and myspace stuff ALL THE TIME. Not just once or twice a week. We are talking 5 to 6 times a day. He broke up with me. Sometimes I wish he would make it easy on me and make his myspace private. Instead he has chosen to disappear and not post on his personal webpage (his art) or update and/or log onto his myspace. That's fine. He probably knows I am looking and he knows I am hurt. By ignoring me, I am getting the message.

 

I try and put myself in CG x's position. Even if I were the one that broke up, it would still hurt to be told to stay away from his webpage. Sheez. I still have feelings/curosity in knowing what a few of my x's are up to.

 

I believe I suggested getting rid of the tracker before and I still think that's a good idea. Then CG won't know who is looking at his page. If you don't know, then you can't be bothered by it. That to me, seems like the easiest way out of this. If you block her ips from work and home, she will know you did that.

 

Public webspaces and myspace of all things (not that CG has a myspace account) and anything but private.

 

Just because she said she didn't want to marry you does not mean she didn't have feelings for you. Just because she is engaged still doesn't mean that she doesn't care about you and want to know what is going on in your life.

 

The best revenge is living well.

 

Think whatever you want about her - she's obsessing, she's stalking, whatever. I don't think that by looking at and asking about you she is still wanting to be part of your life. Has she approached you? Has she initiated any contact with you? Those would be signs that she wants to be part of your life. Looking and not doing anything other than looking at a public site, while I admit it is obsessive (and I will admit I am too), is not doing you any harm.

 

Remove the tracker.

 

just my .02 cents.