Female Best Friend From Hell?? HELLLPPPP!!

[LilGal]

I am really unsure of how I feel, or how I am supposed to feel for that matter. My first time in love has brought all these emotions into my life that I have never experienced. From lust, passion, immense happiness and pleasure, to hatred, scorn, self-abasement, and envy.

 

It’s a whirlwind of feelings that change just as often and as drastically as weather itself. One day im head over heels. I stare at him in his eyes and I know in the depths of my heart that I love him, and that he is the one I want to be with for the rest of my life.

 

The next day, I feel like since I’ve gained him, I’ve lost myself. And I began to wonder...was it an even trade? His best friend is a female, and I thought that I was unlike any other female. I thought that I would be able to deal with all the feelings that come with that extra package he was carrying around. And I surprised the doubts I had in myself.

 

I started believing that she could become my friend as well. But my doubts, my first inner most feelings, again surfaced to be truth. She tells me that he is cheating on me and my mind bursts with a million thoughts of him and her and faceless other girls. But those doubts I had about this “best friend” in the beginning were the same doubts that made me not completely believe what she told me to be true.

 

So I did what my instinct told me to do and I told him, I told him everything, about what she had said and even the gruesome details she had given me. He was devastated. And promised to me on everything but the Bible that what she said did not hold true. I love him, so of course, I believed him. He holds this anger and resentment towards his best friend for a couple of weeks. I start to believe that she is just an evil bitch who is in love with the one I am in love with, and is out to destroy our relationship.

 

I feel this strong hatred towards her and for two whole weeks, I thought my one true love felt the same way. But her four-year friendship with him was so much tighter then my ten-month bond, that there was no way I could continue to hold on. He tells me he is going to set her straight and tell her that they can no longer be friends. Little do I know his idea of setting her straight is telling her that he has decided to keep his personal life to himself.

 

Okay, at this point it becomes apparent that the strong hatred thing was not at all mutual. That the girl I had began to actually like and wanted to become closer to who had stabbed me in the back as well as my boyfriend, was not a bad person in his eyes, but instead just confused and mislead. (“Keep your personal life to yourself?” Does that mean that she was really telling the truth?)Am I wrong for hating her?

 

She blatantly tried to destroy the best thing I have going in my life right now. I do all I can to gain composure around her, but to re-accept this friendship after what I know now is almost impossible. And he claims that there friendship will never be as tight as it once was. But it hurts me, to know that when she calls he still comes running. And again, he claims its not like that at all, but simply that there friendship was too strong to let go that easily and that he will always care for her as a friend.

 

Now im faced with this nagging decision in the back of my mind. It’s one of two things, maybe he can continue being friends with her because he knows that she really has not lied at all. Maybe his two-week hatred was caused by him being mad at her because she told something that she had confided into on a best-friend basis only. No matter how much I love him and care for him, the gaps in the story lead me to believe it is the latter.

 

So what do I do now. Do I throw away this love that is so strong it makes my stomach turn? Or do I stay with him, constantly wondering in the back of my mind if he really did cheat on me?

 

Do I deal with this “association” between the one I love and the one I now hate? And if we do stay together, at what length will she go to tear us apart? Im lost and confused and hurt and frustrated and angry. But I don’t want to be without him........What do I do????

[moimeme]

This is about you and trust. You are probably right that she tried to break you two up, possibly for her own reasons. Your BF says that they were not and never will be 'involved'. You have to decide if you trust him or not. Sometimes, no matter how honest one person is, the other person just can't believe. Other times, a person is a liar and a cheat and yet the other person continues to have faith.

 

Trust is a choice. If you simply cannot get yourself convinced to trust him, you might as well just quit the relationship because trust is #1 in importance in relationships.

[midori]

1. if she lied in a deliberate attempt to break the two of you up, why would he want to be friends with her?

 

2. if she told the truth in a deliberate attempt to break the two of you up, why would he want to be friends with her?

 

3. if what she told you was not the truth, but she believed that it was and was deliberately trying to break the two of you up, why would he want to be friends with her?

 

This sounds like an unhealthy situation involving people who blur relational boundaries and who aren't being honest, with themselves or you. Someone has lied: maybe it was her in telling you about his supposed infidelity, or maybe it was him in denying it. Which means that either your boyfriend is a liar, or he's willing to tolerate a manipulative, dishonest "friend" who seeks to hurt the woman he supposedly loves. Now why would he be willing to do that?

 

There is one other possibility that I can think of: this kind of makes sense if he's a passive, wishy-washy sort who doesn't like to make tough decisions and who wants to have his cake and eat it too. Maybe he likes having a friend who he knows is in love with him. Maybe he doesn't fully admit that to himself. Or maybe there are other reasons that compel him to maintain the friendship. Whatever his reasons are, as long as you don't force him to confront the contradictions she presents (as a friend who doesn't have his best interests at heart), he won't face them. If he's passive and wishy-washy he won't confront her and end the friendship unless he has to. As long as you're willing to accept her as his friend, to stick with him even though he sticks with her, he doesn't have to end the friendship.

 

I would break up with him if I were you. You might love him with all your heart, but at best he needs a serious wake-up call and at worst he's a lying, cheating s.o.b. Either way a break-up is clearly called for. If he protests and begs you to reconsider, tell him that you require that he give a full accounting of what happened, and act appropriately. That would mean losing the friend if she's been telling lies.