Maybe some of you read my thread on the infidelity forum

[frannie]

I don't want to rehash everything here. I do have a question to ask of OW and would like as honest an answer as possible. I had an email something I can't call it friendship as it went beyond those bounds and I can't call it relationship because it never felt like that to me. I terminated it a few months ago. The woman lives a long way from me. She has now appeared at a restaurant I frequent and we (my wife and I) have been receiving anonymous hangup phone calls for a little over a month. The people on the other board recommended that I tell my wife. I did so last night. She is taking it better than I expected but I don't know yet what will happen long term.

 

My question now is how long can I expect these phone calls and possible surprise visits to go on? I thought when I ended the whatever you call it that it would be over. Now it seems like it will never be over. I don't want to involve the police if possible as that would be embarassing for me and my wife. I'd just like to have some little idea of what to expect and thought that possibly I might get some answers here.

 

I didn't see your thread on Infidelity, so I'm just going on what you've written here.

 

It's impossible to say how long someone would do these things for. It completely depends on her temperament and to an extent what went on between you and how you broke it off. For example, was it 'just' a friendship, or flirting with sexual talk, or did you talk futures with her and lead her to think something that wasn't true, then dumped her out of the blue. Because you know, some people don't react well to that. So... there you go, it depends on what you invited in to an extent. Seems like you gave her plenty of information if your home phone number and favourite restaurant was discussed..?

 

Of course she thinks your W doesn't know, and like someone else said, if she believes you've told your W (preferably from your W's own lips if your email friend comes into your area again) then it's much more likely to end than you just hoping it will go away because you sent her a 'goodbye' email.

[OpenBook]

Or maybe she hopes that if she sees him and he sees her he will change his mind and re-start.

 

Or what if she is just looking for closure?

 

How about she just was hoping for a fairytale ending to her own fantasy.

 

OK, that helps - thanks! Sigh. I still think she's nuts though... NO man is worth that much attention.

[Impudent Oyster]

I know he told everything to his wife...but the OW probably doesn't know that...

 

He should tell the OW, when his W is present... then my bet is that the OW would disappear... she'd have no reason to intimidate anymore (blackmail him by her presence).

 

Excellent advice. If the OW knows that he came clean with his wife, she has no ammunition. The game is OVER at that point.

 

He has to make sure that she knows that his wife knows everything, and that they will file a restraining order if she persists.

[Impudent Oyster]

I

It's impossible to say how long someone would do these things for. .

 

It will stop the moment he makes it clear that his wife knows and that he has nothing to lose.

[NearlyThere]

I read thru your post on the infidelity forum as it was ongoing.

 

I can't say what your OW as every OW has a different reaction to a situation just like evey other person to everyday situations.

 

I know you have been told not to contact the OW again in any other way, however, personally, I completely disagree with this in your case. Its like anybody needing closure about anything, until they feel they have one that satisfies them they will keep on wanting one, maybe this is what she is looking for. The more you ignore her, the more she is turning it over in her mind, remembering things that you said to her, including how unhappy and disatisfied you were in your relationship that gave her the inclination for might leave, although you probably did not say those words out loud.

 

I think you and your wife should both compose a letter to her, telling her that you are working through your issues and are reconciled. If you both compose it and sign it there can be no doubt in her mind, maybe it will take more than one attempt as she might feel your wife is making you write the letter and its not what you really want, so you will need to make it seem that way.

 

In your situation, ignoring her is not going to make her vanish fron your life, if anything, it will make it worse as has already been proved. You could meet the OW with your wife, if you have told your wife the complete truth what could the OW say that could cause further problem, that way she can hear it from your own mouth.

[Treatment]

OK, here goes.

 

First, everyone said to follow my wife's lead in this. My wife does NOT want me to contact the OW in any way. Neither further email nor any face-to-face. I will honor her wishes and have no further contact.

 

There was a question about her having my phone number and address. I did not give her either of those but have since found that they are quite available on the Internet so I have no doubt that is how she got them.

 

Regarding how she knew at what restaurant I ate at she used to work and live here. We chatted often and she often ate at the same restaurant (not with me). She was well aware of my schedule and it has not changed. It has now. I also promised my wife I would no longer go to the same restaurant.

 

Regarding the question of closure I did not end the relationship (I've done a little reading on here maybe this falls into what seems to be referred to as an emotional affair?) via email but phone. I thought I made it quite clear that I would not have any further contact with her. I told her that my wife and I had reconciled and that I would no longer be in contact with her. She had no reason to believe that my wife didn't know about what I had done.

 

I hadn't told my wife about what happened but our interraction was improving. She (the OW) asked twice for us to "stay friends" and both times I said no that my wife was my friend and I wouldn't anymore have women friends. This was about 2 months ago. I thought everything was fine until last week when she showed up at the restaurant. We had been getting anonymous hang-up calls for about a month but I didn't start to put it together until she showed up.

 

I've been reading what you folks say and most seem to think that my wife and I should tell her together or at least that I should tell her that my wife knows and that will make this stop. I think something is going to be required because there were over 20 calls (we finally stopped counting) between 4pm yesterday and 8am today. But right now at least my wife is adamant that she does not want to do anything. Not the police and no contact. My wife is getting quite angry though. I guess the only good side to this is that her anger is not directed at me (at least not yet).

 

We have our first counselling session this afternoon so maybe he will have some suggestions that my wife will be able to consider. I think right now that anything I suggest where the woman is concerned is met with resistance. I may tell her about this site in time but I haven't yet.

 

Someone said something about the woman wanting closure. As far as I'm concerned that is her problem now. I told her quite clearly that it was over months ago. At first I thought I should meet her and tell her again to her face but not any more. She has gone beyond the bounds of human decency and will get no more respectful attention from me. I have been pushed enough and now am angry.

[whichwayisup]

I know my response is going to piss off some of the OW who post here (So please, this is for Treatment's OW, not against any of you) but I honestly think now, after reading your post and how your wife feels - Ignore the OW. You're doing the right thing and the OW has to make her own closure...She knows that you are with your wife and you've told her it's over, not to contact you anymore. All you can do is let her be, let her heal herself and focus on you, and your wife.

 

Yeah, I'm not too sure if you want to show your wife this site, unless you're ready for her to read all that you've written and lose your own support system - I mean, if you're OK with that, then tell her...I just have seen in the past some tell their spouses and regret it because they can't really open up completely and be annonymous like before. Either way, do what you feel is right for you.

 

Be aware too, that the OW MAY pull what Matty's OW did. The frantic stuff, crisis's and trying her best to gain your attention...Keep ignoring it.

 

Oh one more thing, yes that anger WILL at some point be directed at you, so when that day comes, let your wife vent it.

[IpAncA]

I think something is going to be required because there were over 20 calls (we finally stopped counting) between 4pm yesterday and 8am today.

 

I know your W just wants it (calls) go to away but if the phone calls don't stop then something has to be done. Hopefully the OW will get tired of it but over 20 calls? That's insane.

 

I may tell her about this site in time but I haven't yet.

 

You might want to reconsider that thought. At least for a while.

[Impudent Oyster]

I have no idea what OW's intentions are but If that was me, I'd do it as payback and for the fun of it. Would be kind of fun scaring MM into thinking that his secret could come out if I wanted it to.

 

Payback for WHAT?

[woe_is_me]

I don't want to rehash everything here. I do have a question to ask of OW and would like as honest an answer as possible. I had an email something I can't call it friendship as it went beyond those bounds and I can't call it relationship because it never felt like that to me. I terminated it a few months ago. The woman lives a long way from me. She has now appeared at a restaurant I frequent and we (my wife and I) have been receiving anonymous hangup phone calls for a little over a month. The people on the other board recommended that I tell my wife. I did so last night. She is taking it better than I expected but I don't know yet what will happen long term.

 

My question now is how long can I expect these phone calls and possible surprise visits to go on? I thought when I ended the whatever you call it that it would be over. Now it seems like it will never be over. I don't want to involve the police if possible as that would be embarassing for me and my wife. I'd just like to have some little idea of what to expect and thought that possibly I might get some answers here.

 

lol .. that's funny

 

hope you don't have any pet bunnies!

[IpAncA]

Payback for WHAT?

For what he did.

[Impudent Oyster]

For what he did.

 

 

I know, what did he do? I don't get it.

[OpenBook]

I know, what did he do? I don't get it.

You're starting to sound like me, Impudent. Whatever you do, DON'T YELL AT HER!! :D

[IpAncA]

You're starting to sound like me, Impudent. Whatever you do, DON'T YELL AT HER!! :D

 

That's right and you'd we wise to remember that!

[silktricks]

I may tell her about this site in time but I haven't yet.

 

Ummmmm. Full disclosure at this point pretty much means full disclosure. Do NOT. Repeat. Do NOT be keeping secrets from your wife. She is very vulnerable and will be exceeding nervous, especially about you spending time on the bloomin' computer. That's where you were sitting when you were communicating with this woman. Don't be an ijjut.

 

Don't be kidding yourself, either. She may very well have a hard time with you taking advice from a bunch of --- well, women --- on this site. I'm not saying it makes any kind of sense, but she may have a hard time with it.

 

Do NOT hide it from her, though.

[BestAdvisor1]

 

I hadn't told my wife about what happened but our interraction was improving.

 

Wait, I thought you told your wife everything? What have you not tell your wife yet?

[Treatment]

Wait, I thought you told your wife everything? What have you not tell your wife yet?

 

I have now told my wife everything.

 

When I terminated the relationship with the other woman and told her that my wife and I were reconnected I had not at that time told my wife. That was about two months ago.

[BestAdvisor1]

How's your wife doing now?

[woe_is_me]

unless the OP is at work .. he may not be back to answer that q for some time..

 

His W probably really doesn't like or want him using the computer

[StaringContest]

I think something is going to be required because there were over 20 calls (we finally stopped counting) between 4pm yesterday and 8am today.

 

Maybe it's time to change the home phone number. Anybody know if unlisted numbers still show up on internet searches?

[silktricks]

Maybe it's time to change the home phone number. Anybody know if unlisted numbers still show up on internet searches?

Yeah, they do. Those sites where you can search for names and addresses scour a lot of public databases. If you own property, pay license fees, buy a car - pretty much anything like that - and use your phone number (listed or unlisted) then they can grab your phone number and address. Anyone who pays their fees can get it.

 

Privacy is a thing of the past in the US. Most of Europe has much stricter laws that are focused more on the privacy of the individual than the wants of businesses. But business rules in this country.

[Treatment]

How's your wife doing now?

 

She is doing OK. She has her ups and downs. She has begun asking me a lot of questions. Some I do not want to answer. When she sees that she becomes more insistent sometimes more withdrawn. The counselor suggested that we change our home phone number but my wife doesn't want to do that yet. They got into a bit of a battle about it. I don't care myself.

 

Sometimes I think my wife hopes the other woman does show up at the house or do something even stranger than the phone calls. The calls have tapered down a little. From the thirties range to about 10 last night. I think it would be better for my wife's health if the number was changed but am not happy making any unilateral decisions about this stuff right now.

 

Is there anything like certified email where you can know if the person got the email? My wife said she may be willing to send an email written by both of us. I think she should cool off some more first though.

 

I told my wife something that I didn't have enough nerve to tell on this board and that was I had given the woman a birthday present. I know I can not ask for it back but that thing is driving my wife crazy. The gift wasn't that expensive. It was about $20. And it was not a personal item it was a glass thing.

 

Someone here said that I should tell my wife about this site and talking on it. So I told her during the counselling session. She seemed OK with it at least for now. I told her that anything she wanted to read was OK with me.

[whichwayisup]

The only thing about telling your wife about this site is, you lose your own support system. She may want to post here too - IF that is the case, it's okay, as long as you're both fine with it. Who knows, maybe if she did come and read, she'll see how much you love her and how much you regret meeting the OW. And, she will know that you definately want NOTHING to do with the OW ever again.

 

Understand your wife's pain and as much as you don't want to hurt her - When she asks you things about the OW, what you two talked about, what you felt, don't lie to her. Even if it hurts her, all she is asking from you is honesty. It will help the recovery if she knows you're being an open book in everyway.

 

Most of all, let her talk it out. She is hurt, feeling betrayed and will go through tons of emotions, some of it ofcourse WILL be anger and resentment - so show her that sympathy, let her know in words and actions that you ARE there for her, and not going anywhere.

[silktricks]

I told my wife something that I didn't have enough nerve to tell on this board and that was I had given the woman a birthday present. I know I can not ask for it back but that thing is driving my wife crazy. The gift wasn't that expensive. It was about $20. And it was not a personal item it was a glass thing.

 

Someone here said that I should tell my wife about this site and talking on it. So I told her during the counselling session. She seemed OK with it at least for now. I told her that anything she wanted to read was OK with me.

 

I'm glad you told your wife about this site, like I said, being an open book is imperative.

 

That's too bad about the present. I don't need to say you shouldn't have done that.

[BestAdvisor1]

She has begun asking me a lot of questions. Some I do not want to answer.

 

The calls have tapered down a little. From the thirties range to about 10 last night.

 

I told my wife something that I didn't have enough nerve to tell on this board and that was I had given the woman a birthday present. I know I can not ask for it back but that thing is driving my wife crazy. The gift wasn't that expensive. It was about $20. And it was not a personal item it was a glass thing.

 

Now, I am wondering what else are you withholding. What don't you not want to answer? I thought you told us and her everything.

 

10 calls a night is a LOT. I don't blame her for being upset about the gift. A gift is a gift; it doens't matter if it's $12, $20, or $200.